Funniest joke you've eber heard thread
May 3rd, 2016 at 9:31:09 PM
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May 3rd, 2016 at 10:05:48 PM
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This board is PC.
Enough with the Jewish jokes.
Enough with the Jewish jokes.
"What, me worry?"
May 3rd, 2016 at 10:45:24 PM
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she was so fat I pulled her pants down to her ankles and her ass was still in them
get second you pig
May 3rd, 2016 at 10:49:02 PM
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What do you say when you see something flat, hard and covered in feathers?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Sanitized for Your Protection
May 4th, 2016 at 5:09:51 AM
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Must have been a slow news day yesterday to dredge up this 3 year old thread!
But, while I'm here...
Mr. Jones goes to see the doctor, and after many tests, the doc comes back with the worst possible news: "I'm sorry Mr. Jones, but I regret to inform you that you have cancer, and I'm afraid you don't have very long to live."
After recovering from the initial shock, Mr. Jones says, "Give it to me straight, Doc, exactly how long do I have?"
The doctor replies, "10."
Mr. Jones, frantic because of this seemingly ambiguous answer, presses the doctor, "10??! 10 what?? Months?? Weeks??"
The doctor continues, "9... 8... 7..."
But, while I'm here...
Mr. Jones goes to see the doctor, and after many tests, the doc comes back with the worst possible news: "I'm sorry Mr. Jones, but I regret to inform you that you have cancer, and I'm afraid you don't have very long to live."
After recovering from the initial shock, Mr. Jones says, "Give it to me straight, Doc, exactly how long do I have?"
The doctor replies, "10."
Mr. Jones, frantic because of this seemingly ambiguous answer, presses the doctor, "10??! 10 what?? Months?? Weeks??"
The doctor continues, "9... 8... 7..."
"Dealer has 'rock'... Pay 'paper!'"
May 4th, 2016 at 5:27:50 AM
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Only joke I can ever remember,
So I've prolly told it here before,
but I can't remember.....
Oh, the joke, right..
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 of course,
But how the hell did they get in there?
So I've prolly told it here before,
but I can't remember.....
Oh, the joke, right..
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 of course,
But how the hell did they get in there?
Youuuuuu MIGHT be a 'rascal' if.......(nevermind ;-)...2F
May 4th, 2016 at 8:00:07 AM
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Quote: MrVThis board is PC.
Enough with the Jewish jokes.
Yeah. If your going to pick on a religion, pick on ALL of them. They're all equally a stupid con job.
DUHHIIIIIIIII HEARD THAT!
May 4th, 2016 at 8:21:33 AM
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Here's a couple blonde jokes I heard a long time ago:
Bartender: I know how to make every drink in the world! If you can stump me, your drink is FREE!
Blonde: Well then I'll have a 15.
Bartender: A 15?
Blonde: Yes, a 15...
Bartender: (thinks for a moment) Wow I can't believe it. I don't think I know what that is. What's in a 15?
Blonde: Well duh, it's a 7-7.
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One blond is rowing a boat in the middle of a corn field... Another blond driving by stops and gets out... "You know, it's you type of blonds that make the rest of us blonds look stupid, and if I could swim I'd come out there and slap you!"
Bartender: I know how to make every drink in the world! If you can stump me, your drink is FREE!
Blonde: Well then I'll have a 15.
Bartender: A 15?
Blonde: Yes, a 15...
Bartender: (thinks for a moment) Wow I can't believe it. I don't think I know what that is. What's in a 15?
Blonde: Well duh, it's a 7-7.
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One blond is rowing a boat in the middle of a corn field... Another blond driving by stops and gets out... "You know, it's you type of blonds that make the rest of us blonds look stupid, and if I could swim I'd come out there and slap you!"
Playing it correctly means you've already won.
May 4th, 2016 at 8:31:04 AM
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Quote: IbeatyouracesYeah. If your going to pick on a religion, pick on ALL of them. They're all equally a stupid con job.
I actually real life loled
Expect the worst and you will never be disappointed.
I AM NOT PART OF GWAE RADIO SHOW
May 4th, 2016 at 8:40:21 AM
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Playing it correctly means you've already won.
May 4th, 2016 at 8:45:59 AM
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Quote: IbeatyouracesYeah. If your going to pick on a religion, pick on ALL of them. They're all equally a stupid con job.
I swear I did not have sex with that religion!
Wait... can you define religion again please?
Youuuuuu MIGHT be a 'rascal' if.......(nevermind ;-)...2F
May 10th, 2016 at 11:34:31 AM
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I asked my friend Charley: "What are you doing for Valentine's Day?"
Charley says: "I'm going fishing"
I say: "On Valentine's Day? Why?"
Charley says: "You know I like to fish."
I ask "Why don't you stay home and have sex with that girlfriend of yours?"
Charley says: "Well, Gordon, she has gonorrhea."
"Gee, that's too bad. But what about oral sex, huh?"
He says " She also has pyorrhea, you know, disease of the gums"
I say: "Well flip her over on her tummy and have sex with her that way."
He says: "She also has diarrhea"
"Gonorrhea! Pyorrhea!? Diarrhea???? Why are you dating this girl?"
_______ "Well, she also has worms. And you know I like to fish."
Charley says: "I'm going fishing"
I say: "On Valentine's Day? Why?"
Charley says: "You know I like to fish."
I ask "Why don't you stay home and have sex with that girlfriend of yours?"
Charley says: "Well, Gordon, she has gonorrhea."
"Gee, that's too bad. But what about oral sex, huh?"
He says " She also has pyorrhea, you know, disease of the gums"
I say: "Well flip her over on her tummy and have sex with her that way."
He says: "She also has diarrhea"
"Gonorrhea! Pyorrhea!? Diarrhea???? Why are you dating this girl?"
_______ "Well, she also has worms. And you know I like to fish."
So many better men, a few of them friends, are dead. And a thousand thousand slimy things live on, and so do I.
December 13th, 2024 at 11:32:06 PM
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Why did the gambler bring a ladder to the casino?
He heard the stakes were high!
He heard the stakes were high!
Mega888FD is your trusted source for secure and up-to-date links to download the Mega888 app for Android, iOS, and PC - /
December 14th, 2024 at 3:53:46 PM
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A termite walks into a bar, jumps on the stool and asks the guy sitting next to him, "Where is the bartender?"
You can't know everything, but you can know anything.
December 14th, 2024 at 5:24:10 PM
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A C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve minors."
So the E-flat left and the C and the G had a fifth between them.
The bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve minors."
So the E-flat left and the C and the G had a fifth between them.
December 15th, 2024 at 11:51:56 AM
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My wife left me for a complete stranger. All that's left now is regret and misery.. But enough about the strangers problems, I'm going to the bar and get drunk.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
December 15th, 2024 at 1:53:59 PM
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Last night I accidently used my dog's shampoo, and today I feel like ... SUCH A GOOD GIRL!!
Have you tried 22 tonight? I said 22.
December 18th, 2024 at 11:12:25 PM
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"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I don't want to interrupt her." W.C. Fields.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
December 19th, 2024 at 12:20:10 AM
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I got pulled over by a cop last night. He said "Didn't you see that red light back there? You drove right through it."
Then I told him "It looked green to me, Officer."
So he wrote me a ticket for speeding.
Then I told him "It looked green to me, Officer."
So he wrote me a ticket for speeding.
December 19th, 2024 at 12:33:01 AM
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Quote: AutomaticMonkeyI got pulled over by a cop last night. He said "Didn't you see that red light back there? You drove right through it."
Then I told him "It looked green to me, Officer."
So he wrote me a ticket for speeding.
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That is hilarious.
May the cards fall in your favor.
December 19th, 2024 at 3:11:22 AM
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This sounds very true to life. Where is face when you need him? Face used to be a moderator here with Barney Fife as his avatar
December 19th, 2024 at 4:31:51 AM
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Quote: AutomaticMonkeyI got pulled over by a cop last night. He said "Didn't you see that red light back there? You drove right through it."
Then I told him "It looked green to me, Officer."
So he wrote me a ticket for speeding.
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Is this a physics blue shift joke? I’m so confused.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong; but that is the way to bet.
December 19th, 2024 at 5:11:15 AM
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Quote: unJonQuote: AutomaticMonkeyI got pulled over by a cop last night. He said "Didn't you see that red light back there? You drove right through it."
Then I told him "It looked green to me, Officer."
So he wrote me a ticket for speeding.
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Is this a physics blue shift joke? I’m so confused.
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What is that, .95c, and his brakes didn't vaporize?
I think it's a material science joke. ;)
edit: It's late, and I almost certainly got the numbers wrong
May the cards fall in your favor.
December 19th, 2024 at 5:35:44 AM
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Quote: DieterQuote: unJonQuote: AutomaticMonkeyI got pulled over by a cop last night. He said "Didn't you see that red light back there? You drove right through it."
Then I told him "It looked green to me, Officer."
So he wrote me a ticket for speeding.
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Is this a physics blue shift joke? I’m so confused.
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What is that, .95c, and his brakes didn't vaporize?
I think it's a material science joke. ;)
edit: It's late, and I almost certainly got the numbers wrong
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A physicist is driving down the highway when a cop pulls him over. The cop says “I pulled you over because you were going 92 miles per hour.” The physicist throws his hands in the air and says “now we have no idea where we are!”
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong; but that is the way to bet.
December 19th, 2024 at 8:23:59 AM
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What is the real name of the toilet seat?
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
toilet seat. I looked this up one time, thinking it might be something different.
Sanitized for Your Protection
December 19th, 2024 at 11:41:32 AM
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.
Just out of college with no clear direction in my life I interviewed for an entry level job at Nasa
The HR guy asked me if I had a degree in Theoretical Physics
I told him that I had a theoretical degree in Physics
He then asked me if, theoretically, I would be interested in working in the Mail Room
.
Just out of college with no clear direction in my life I interviewed for an entry level job at Nasa
The HR guy asked me if I had a degree in Theoretical Physics
I told him that I had a theoretical degree in Physics
He then asked me if, theoretically, I would be interested in working in the Mail Room
.
the foolish sayings of a rich man often pass for words of wisdom by the fools around him
December 19th, 2024 at 1:56:55 PM
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From YouTube shorts Dock Tok:
"I spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day."
"It was the least I could do."
"I spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day."
"It was the least I could do."
December 19th, 2024 at 2:23:57 PM
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Quote: rxwineWhat is the real name of the toilet seat?
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXX
XXXXtoilet seat. I looked this up one time, thinking it might be something different.
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I would call it the crapper flapper.
You can't know everything, but you can know anything.
December 19th, 2024 at 4:36:30 PM
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There once was a Viking King in Ireland named Rudolf the Red. One day he told his wife to be prepared for mud on their next days journey. :"How do you know?" asked his Queen. He scornfully replied, " Rudolf The Red knows rain", Dear.
The older I get, the better I recall things that never happened
December 20th, 2024 at 5:01:58 AM
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.
Overheard at a roulette table:
"I hope I break even
I really need the money"
.
Overheard at a roulette table:
"I hope I break even
I really need the money"
.
the foolish sayings of a rich man often pass for words of wisdom by the fools around him
December 20th, 2024 at 8:04:41 AM
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Quote: lilredrooster.
Overheard at a roulette table:
"I hope I break even
I really need the money"
.
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That is known as The Gambler's Prayer.
A Bob Dancer joke- What's the difference between praying in church and in a casino?
People mean it when they pray in the casino.
The older I get, the better I recall things that never happened
December 20th, 2024 at 10:25:00 AM
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Quote: lilredrooster.
Overheard at a roulette table:
"I hope I break even
I really need the money"
.
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Breaking even, what a novel idea. It's never come up for me..
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
December 20th, 2024 at 12:02:12 PM
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Quote: EvenBobQuote: lilredrooster.
Overheard at a roulette table:
"I hope I break even
I really need the money"
.
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Breaking even, what a novel idea. It's never come up for me..
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Because you’re still down from your fine roulette strategy.
Sanitized for Your Protection
December 20th, 2024 at 6:39:33 PM
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Quote: rxwineQuote: EvenBobQuote: lilredrooster.
Overheard at a roulette table:
"I hope I break even
I really need the money"
.
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Breaking even, what a novel idea. It's never come up for me..
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Because you’re still down from your fine roulette strategy.
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Not quite. The amazing thing is you called it a strategy and not a system. I think I'm finally getting through to you.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
December 20th, 2024 at 7:53:02 PM
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Yeah, one that doesn't work.
Sanitized for Your Protection
December 21st, 2024 at 6:29:23 AM
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Quote: rxwineYeah, one that doesn't work.
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Just because you don't know how to do it doesn't mean there is nobody who does. Duh
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
