Funniest joke you've eber heard thread

A second miracle is required for John Paul's sainthood.

Well last night 3 cardinals were playing hold-em at the Vatican and then...


...blah, blah, blah...


It was a miracle!



(oh you can fill in the details yourself.)

Whats the difference between an arsonist and [insert name of manager or a team on a losing streak]?

An arsonist doesnt throw away his last few matches.

A guy and his dog are stranded on a deserted island for over a year. One day as he was taking a walk he sees something moving off in the distance. As he gets closer he realizes that it's a pig. After being on this island for over a year, you can only imagine how horny he is. He trys to mound the pig and he is successful. He starts humping away, but his dog starts barking and biting him and drags him off with his teeth. Of course he tries a second time and the same thing happens, His dog is growling and showing his teeth and won't let hm get near the pig. About a week later, he hears a girls scream coming from the ocean. She's yelling HELP,HELP, I'm drowning. He swims franticly towards the women and helps her to shore. That night while they were having a bite to eat, he says to the girl, I have been on this island for over a year and I am really horny. He ask, could you please do me a favor? She smiles and says ,of course. You saved my life. He says, will you take my dog for a walk?

where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him.

Commander in Chief routine
Seth Myers was a little less political.

Quote: duckston09

where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him.

That reminds me of the saying, that when you see a turtle on a fence post, you know he didn't get there by himself.

~


Osama bin Laden's first complaints after reaching paradise.

1. There's only one virgin.
2. She's not even a virgin.
3. She looks like Saddam Hussein.
4. She's extremely horny.

Quote: DorothyGale

Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a pro poker player?
A. A pizza can feed a family of 4.
--Ms. D.

Fixed your post.

An oldie but a goodie... still makes me laugh...


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

12 days of Xmas
Similar format to previous joke.
Recorded version was performed by Jack Kelly who played Father Jack in the Father Ted TV series.
Show is hilarious and well worth a look if you haven't seen it.


Day One
Dear Nuala,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We're getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they're good friends now and we're keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
Yours affectionately,
Gobnait O'Lnasa

Day Two
Dear Nuala,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to some out in a week or two. The vet's bill was 8 but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write.
Yours ever,
Gobnait

Day Three
Dear Nuala,
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The mother was raging because the bill was 16 this time but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds' droppings keep falling down on her hair whilen she's watching the telly, doesn't help matters. Thanking you for your kindness.
I remain,
Your Gobnait

Day Four
Dear Nuala,
You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet's bill was 32. The mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend.
Gobnauit

Day Five
Nuala,
Your generosity knows no bounds. Five gold rings ! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious. However, I don't want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
Your affectionate friend,
Gobnait

Day Six
Nuala,
What are you trying to do to us ? It isn't that we don't appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet's head from the pear-tree and his bill was 68 in cash ! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check.
Gobnait

Day Seven
Nuala,
W e are not amused by your little joke. Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they've gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet. Please lay off. It is not fair.
Gobnait

Day Eight
Nuala,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home ? Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother's rose-beds. The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the Battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon. The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium. I'm very annoyed with you.
Gobnait

Day Nine
Listen you louser !
There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I'm warning you, you're making an enemy of me.
Gobnait

Day Ten
Listen manure-face,
I hope you'll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night. They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn't a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar. My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium. You'll get yours !
Gobnait O'Lnasa

Day Eleven
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel,
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends ~ the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like Outlook. I'll get you yet, you ould bag !

Day Twelve
Listen slurry head,
You have ruined our lives. The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, cos they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they'd been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well. The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I'm sitting here, up to my neck in birds' droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds' blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree. I'm a broken man.
Gobnait O'Lnasa

A guy and a gal get married, and after the honeymoon the guy comes home one day with a shoebox. He tells his wife it's a very private shoebox and makes her promise never to look in it. She reluctantly agrees, and as time passes she forgets about it completely. One day she's cleaning the bedroom, and spies the shoebox under the bed. It's been years, and she wonders what could possibly be hiding in the shoebox. She pulls it out from underneath the bed, and opens it to find 2 crushed beer cans and a large stack of 1 dollar bills. She quickly puts the lid back on and replaces the shoebox underneath the bed. Several days go by and she tries desperately to just forget all about the shoebox, but she just can't. Finally one night when her husband comes home from work, she confronts him, apologizing for betraying his trust but expressing confusion over the contents.
The husband's face grows solemn, and he asks his wife to sit down. He explains, "Honey, you know I love you. In all these years we've been married, I have tried very hard to remain faithful to you. But I have unfortunately fallen short on occasion. When this happens, the guilt consumes me and I slam down a cold beer to try and ease my conscience. I then crush the can and place it in this box to remind me of the horrible guilt I felt."
The woman begins to sob, realizing her man has cheated on her twice! But she loves him so much, and after some shedding of tears, she's finally able to forgive him and try to move past it. But, she asks, "what is the significance of the large stack of 1 dollar bills?".
"Oh that's simple,", he replies, "whenever the box fills up, I take those cans in and recycle them."