rxwine
rxwine
Joined: Feb 28, 2010
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March 17th, 2011 at 4:07:58 AM permalink
Funniest joke I've ever heard is a bit of a tall order.

So, Paul (the disciple) was at the cross as Jesus was being crucified. Jesus had been quiet for awhile and Paul begin to think he was dead. But then after a long time Jesus lifted his head and stared into the distance. Then Jesus lips moved and he was saying something but Paul couldn't hear him. So Paul ran to the base of the cross and said, "Yes, my Lord, what do you wish to say". Jesus said something which was barely a mumble and Paul still couldn't hear him. So, he asked a few of the other people gathered near to help lift him up so he could put his ear near Jesus's mouth.

Jesus started to speak again. "Yes, Jesus, yes, what is it my dear Lord? What do you wish to tell me?" Paul asked excitedly.

"Paul ... Paauuul" Jesus said.

"Yes, Jesus!"

"Paul, I can see your house from here."


~
Quasimodo? Does that name ring a bell?
Wizard
Administrator
Wizard 
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March 17th, 2011 at 4:39:06 AM permalink
This is an old joke. Rather than typing out the whole thing I copied and pasted from http://www.jokes-news.com/search/pig+farmer....


One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighboring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in, free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish, I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

“No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.” So off he went to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig…
It's not whether you win or lose; it's whether or not you had a good bet.
DJTeddyBear
DJTeddyBear
Joined: Nov 2, 2009
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March 17th, 2011 at 5:09:54 AM permalink
An elderly Jewish man sits on a park bench next to an elderly Jewish woman. They strike up a conversation.

After a while, the woman asks, "So what's with you the sex situation?"

He replies, "Infrequently."

She thinks about this, and finally responds, "Is this one word or two?"
Superstitions are silly, childish, irrational rituals, born out of fear of the unknown. But how much does it cost to knock on wood? 😁 Note that the same could be said for Religion. I.E. Religion is nothing more than organized superstition. 🤗
AZDuffman
AZDuffman
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March 17th, 2011 at 5:58:25 AM permalink
Quote: Wavy70

What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and vagina?

Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded…



I think you have WoV confused with democratundergroung or dailykos?

HINT: If you are going to do an off-color joke, make it clever.
Tolerance is the virtue of believing in nothing
DJTeddyBear
DJTeddyBear
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March 17th, 2011 at 6:14:30 AM permalink
Are ethnic / racial jokes acceptable? If so, here's my favorite.

If not, or you're easily offended, skip / delete this post.



This is actually a two-part joke. Most people know the first part.


Q - How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed?

A - Velcro on the ceiling.


Q - How do you get him down?

A - Give a Mexican kid a stick and tell him it's a piñata.
Superstitions are silly, childish, irrational rituals, born out of fear of the unknown. But how much does it cost to knock on wood? 😁 Note that the same could be said for Religion. I.E. Religion is nothing more than organized superstition. 🤗
weaselman
weaselman
Joined: Jul 11, 2010
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March 17th, 2011 at 7:45:39 AM permalink
A mullah and a rabbi were arguing whose God is better, nobody's argument could win against the other's. Finally, the rabbi says: "Look, I am going to prove that my God is powerful and loving once and for all. I am going to jump from this cliff into the sea, and my God will save me!". The mullah says: "Oh yeah? Well, go ahead then, jump!" and the rabbi jumps without any hesitation ... and starts drowning down in the water.

The mullah watches him struggling down below for a minute or two, and then runs down to a boat, takes it to the drowning rabbi and puts out his hand. "Go away!" - says rabbi with pride, - "my God is going to save me!".
The mullah drifts away and watches from the distance ... but then decides to makes another attempt ... and then another, but the rabbi is impregnable, and keeps sending the mullah away with the same reply.

The mullah gives up finally, and the rabbi drowns and his soul flies up to face God.
"Father!" - pleads the rabbi's soul to God, - "Haven't I been righteous all my life? Haven't I followed all of Your laws? Why didn't You save me, and made me lose my argument with the mullah then?!"

"What do you mean "I didn't save you?" - God replies, surprised, - "I sent the mullah down three times to save you, but you kept refusing"
"When two people always agree one of them is unnecessary"
FarFromVegas
FarFromVegas
Joined: Dec 10, 2010
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March 17th, 2011 at 8:54:23 AM permalink
Not the funniest, but brief and semi-appropriate:

What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives women wild?










A hundred-dollar bill.

Each of us is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts. Preparing for a fight about your bad decision is not as smart as making a good decision.
Nareed
Nareed
Joined: Nov 11, 2009
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March 17th, 2011 at 9:11:04 AM permalink
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side

A phycisist anounced he has discovered the perfect way to cook a turkey. Of course it only works for spherical turkeys in a vaccum.

Q: How many computer programmers does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardawre problem.

Q: Why did the Minbari cross the road?
A: Understanding is not necesary, only obedience.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
Switch
Switch
Joined: Apr 29, 2010
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March 17th, 2011 at 9:42:52 AM permalink
A guy goes up to a prostitute standing on a street corner in Vegas.

"How much for full sex?" he asks.

"Twenty Five dollars", came the reply.

"Wow, that's not much, why are you so cheap?", he queries.

"Well I haven't got a womb", replies the prostitute.

"But surely that won't make any difference to the love making, will it?" says the guy.

The prositute replies "No, no, we just have to do it behind the wailings"
Switch
Switch
Joined: Apr 29, 2010
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March 17th, 2011 at 9:48:18 AM permalink
Q. What's the difference between light and hard ?

.
.
.
.


A. You can sleep with a light on.

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