Wavy70
Wavy70
Joined: Nov 3, 2009
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March 16th, 2011 at 9:16:34 PM permalink
Quote: ItsCalledSoccer

These two jokes are equivalent? Only in the mind of an over-sensitive, hyper-political jester.

Sheesh. I regret starting the thread now ...



Not close to equivalent. The first wasn't funny.
I have a bewitched egg that I use to play VP with and I have net over 900k with it.
teeth1
teeth1
Joined: Feb 23, 2011
  • Threads: 2
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March 16th, 2011 at 9:23:48 PM permalink
This is funnier than the jokes.
A gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes but doesn't.
Wavy70
Wavy70
Joined: Nov 3, 2009
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March 16th, 2011 at 9:31:45 PM permalink
Quote: teeth1

This is funnier than the jokes.



Teeth your Signature line is the best. I used to live next to a small firehouse and one of the firemen was an aspiring bagpipper.
About 2 hours a day on his On days. I figured it's best not to complain just in case.
I have a bewitched egg that I use to play VP with and I have net over 900k with it.
teeth1
teeth1
Joined: Feb 23, 2011
  • Threads: 2
  • Posts: 79
March 16th, 2011 at 9:41:01 PM permalink
Quote: Wavy70

Teeth your Signature line is the best. I used to live next to a small firehouse and one of the firemen was an aspiring bagpipper.
About 2 hours a day on his On days. I figured it's best not to complain just in case.



I had to change it to that. The one I had first was not considered appropriate.
A gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes but doesn't.
waltomeal
waltomeal
Joined: May 26, 2010
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March 16th, 2011 at 10:02:53 PM permalink
Buddy Hackett's Duck Joke
Old enough to repaint. Young enough to sell.
appistappis
appistappis
Joined: Mar 27, 2010
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March 17th, 2011 at 12:06:32 AM permalink
Whats the hardest part of a vegatable to eat???????

the wheel chair.
Wavy70
Wavy70
Joined: Nov 3, 2009
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March 17th, 2011 at 12:40:37 AM permalink
Quote: appistappis

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat???????

the wheel chair.



See now I don't feel so bad. BTW Stealing that 1
I have a bewitched egg that I use to play VP with and I have net over 900k with it.
Switch
Switch
Joined: Apr 29, 2010
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March 17th, 2011 at 12:57:21 AM permalink
My funniest, although it's quite long:-

A guy gets home and notices that he has a gorilla up a tree in his backyard (garden to us Brit's).

So he calls the local animal shelter and they give him the number of a specilaist who deals with all kinds of large animals. After calling the specialist, it was arranged that he would come to the house in around 20 minutes.

Sure enough, around 20 minutes later, a white van pulls up and a little guy steps out. He reaches into his car and pulls out a net, a shotgun and a large rottweiller on a leash (lead - UK). He then proceeds to walk up the drive and ring the doorbell.

"So, where's this gorilla?" asks the specialist.
"He's in the backyard up a tree", replies the guy, "I'll show you".

They both make their way to the back and the guy brings his dog, shotgun and net along with him. When they get there the little guy turns to the man and says:-

"Ok, here's the plan. I'm going to climb up the tree and get on the same branch as the gorilla. Then I'm going to shake the branch violently until the gorilla loses his balance and falls out. When the gorilla lands, the dog, who is highly trained, will automatically run over and bite the gorilla between the legs. The dog will clamp tightly and won't let go until I get down from the tree. While the dog has the gorilla by his 'tender parts', you run over and put the net over the gorilla - I'll climb down and take the gorilla away. Easy, eh? Do you follow?".

"Sure", says the guy, "but what is the shotgun for?".

"Well", replied the specialist, "if I fall from the tree, shoot the bloody dog !!!" :-)
Wavy70
Wavy70
Joined: Nov 3, 2009
  • Threads: 15
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March 17th, 2011 at 1:12:14 AM permalink
From the Trump roast on CC.


Jeffrey Ross on Lisa Lampanelli: "Her vagina is so beat up its nickname is Rihanna."

Gilbert Gottfried on Donald Trump: “As a developer, Donald Trump has done so much damage to the New York skyline instead of calling him ‘The Donald’ they should call him ‘The 20th Highjacker’.”

Lisa Lampanelli on Seth MacFarlane: “I joke Seth. I love your work. I especially like that weird baby you made with the enormous football shaped head. (Looks down at card and then rips it up.) Oh, sorry. That was for my Sarah Palin roast.”
I have a bewitched egg that I use to play VP with and I have net over 900k with it.
WizardofEngland
WizardofEngland
Joined: Nov 2, 2010
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March 17th, 2011 at 3:53:46 AM permalink
Ok I have two, but bare with me they are longish.


A man is at work and is invited to the casino by his work buddies, he has never gambled before, the odd lottery ticket and a few bets on the football when a big game is on, but nothing major and he has never been to a casino in his life. But he is a sociable fellow and agrees to go along, he has just been paid and has $1,000 in his pocket and figures that if he only loses $100 its no big deal.

That night he is overcome by the atmosphere in the casino and soon is trying all the games it has to over, he dislikes the random-ness of the roulette wheel, cant throw the dice without them jumping off the table, and he cant work out how to play 3 card poker without asking, and he doesnt want to look foolish. He finally sits down at an empty seat on the blackjack table where he knows basically how to play (he recently watched the film 21) ;-)

His first few hands go well and he has recouped the money lost testing the other games out and made a small profit of around $100, two glamorous ladies sit down next to him, and big up his lucky streak. The adrenaline is pumping and he is loving the attention he is getting. But luck takes a turn for the worse, and he is suddenly down $500 and not looking forward to the long walk home with half his wages. He decides to make one last bet in the hope of doubling up and breaking even. $500 on one hand, he gets 20, the dealer has a Queen showing, deciding to stand the dealer flips over an ace and sweeps the $500 one smooth swoop leaving our man feeling empty and dejected.

On his way home he trys to find the words to explain to his wife how he lost his weeks wages, and how he is going to survive without the money. He gets home and slides into bed without saying a word.

He wakes up the next day as if nothing happened, tells his wife he had a great time out with the boys and had a few beers. He leaves for work. But he isnt going to work today, he calls in sick and heads to the bank. He withdraws the savings for $5000 and gets in a taxi back to the casino, he is going to win back the $1000 and everything will be ok..... No big bets, no risky moves, just good play. He is there for almost 6 hours, before he is broke. Again. This is bad. Very bad. He has 2 hours before the banks close and gets a taxi back to the bank. He re-mortgages his house and gets $40,000 in equity. He gets back in the taxi and arrived once more at the casino. He says to himself one bet, win or lose he is out of there and takes what ever fate brings him.

The confidently walks up to the blackjack table and places the $40K on the spot. The dealer looks at him doesn't say a word, but his face says "Really?". The man urges the dealer to play the hand. His first card is a Jack, the dealer gets a King, his second card is a 8. Ouch, he shouldn't really hit, but it looks bad. Just as he is about to say stand a genie appears floating above the table.....

Its clear the genie is only visible to the man, and he shouts at the man "Wait, DO NOT SAY STAND", the man looks puzzled. The Genie says "You want to win this hand right?" The man nods his head, "then you must take a card" The man says thats a very bad move, and hitting 18 is not something he has ever seen done. The Genie says "look mate, I am a genie that only you can see, trust me when I say take a card". The man ponders this for a moment, is this some sort of divine intervention? It must be. The man says the dealer, hit me. The dealer looks shocked but turns the card over.

Its an ACE! the man has 19, his hand has just improved a lot. A smile comes across his face. Wow that was amazing. He is about to say stand again, but once more the genie stops him. "Take another" he says. The man is thinking the genie is insane. The Genie says "Look you have to beat the dealer, 19 is not going to be enough, trust me, I was right the first time. Hit again". The man asks for another card. The dealer starts to think the man is a bit of an idiot, but turns the next card.

Its another ACE! the man punches the air. But the genie puts out that 20 is still not a winner if the dealer makes 21. "I was right twice already, third time is a charm". The man now completely confident in the Genie's ability asks for another card. the dealer now is witnessing someone hitting hard 20. The dealer decides to do the man a favour, he says "look buddy you just got two miracle aces, unless the next card is a third ace you gonna lose the $40k, my advice is to stand" The man looks back at the Genie who is chanting "HIT HIT HIT HIT". The man still asks for another card. The dealer has now given up and is looking forward to taking his money. He turns over the next card.

Its the ACE!!!!! Wow the man has made a five card charlie, unbeatable and pays 2-1. The man is screaming the crowd are going the wild, the dealer is looking amazed, the pit boss is frantically checking the deck. The place is alive and the man's prayers have been answered. In the background you see the Genie. Before he vanishes His last words are " Fucking Lucky Bastard".
http://wizardofvegas.com/forum/off-topic/general/10042-woes-black-sheep-game-ii/#post151727

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