ItsCalledSoccer
ItsCalledSoccer
Joined: Aug 30, 2010
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March 16th, 2011 at 2:10:37 PM permalink
My submission ...

<two men are talking>

Man 1: Does your dog bite?

Man 2: No.

<Man 1 reaches down to pet dog, dog bites him.>

Man 1: I thought you said your dog didn't bite!

Man 2: That is not my dog.
Wavy70
Wavy70
Joined: Nov 3, 2009
  • Threads: 15
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March 16th, 2011 at 2:39:10 PM permalink
Geez.
OK stop here if easily offended.

Whats the difference between an Oz of coke and a baby.
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Clapton never dropped a Oz of blow out the window
I have a bewitched egg that I use to play VP with and I have net over 900k with it.
DorothyGale
DorothyGale
Joined: Nov 23, 2009
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March 16th, 2011 at 2:51:00 PM permalink
Two blonds walk into a bar ... you think the second one would've seen it.
A lawyer walks into a bar ... who cares?

Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a banjo player?
A. A pizza can feed a family of 4.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer lying dead in the road and a snake lying dead in the road?
A. There's skid marks before the snake.

Whale oil beef hooked.

--Ms. D.
"Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!"
AZDuffman
AZDuffman
Joined: Nov 2, 2009
  • Threads: 219
  • Posts: 11220
March 16th, 2011 at 3:28:10 PM permalink
This one I told at a Hibachi Restaurant. My two buddies looked at me like I was an idiot. My buddy's wife laughed for what seemed like a full minute and could not regain herself. The other group at the table was looking at us like we were all morons. I mean, you HAD to be there. Anyways....the story of the persistant duck.

A duck walks into a deli in Massapequa on Long Island.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have any duck food?"
"This is a deli, we don't sell duck food."

Duck leaves. The next day he comes back:

"Excuse me, do you have any duck food?"
(slightly annoyed) "I told you yesterday, this is a deli. We don't sell duck food."

Duck leaves, next day he comes back:

"Excuse me, do you have any duck food?"
(very annoyed this time) "LOOK YOU STUPID DUCK, I'VE TOLD YOU THIS IS A DELI AND WE DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD, AND IF YOU COME IN HERE AGAIN AND ASK FOR DUCK FOOD I'LL NAIL YOU TO THE COUNTER!"

Duck leaves, next day comes back:

"Excuse me, sir, do you have any nails?"
"No, this is a deli, not a hardware store."
"In that case, DO YOU HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD?!"
Tolerance is the virtue of believing in nothing
AZDuffman
AZDuffman
Joined: Nov 2, 2009
  • Threads: 219
  • Posts: 11220
March 16th, 2011 at 3:29:35 PM permalink
Quote: DorothyGale

Two blonds walk into a bar ... you think the second one would've seen it.
A lawyer walks into a bar ... who cares?



A blond, Barack Obama, and a rabbi walk into a bar, bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Tolerance is the virtue of believing in nothing
teeth1
teeth1
Joined: Feb 23, 2011
  • Threads: 2
  • Posts: 79
March 16th, 2011 at 3:34:43 PM permalink
A father asked his son what he wanted to be when he grew up.

Son: A garbage man.

Father: Why do you want to be a garbage man?

Son: Because they only work on Tuesdays!
A gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes but doesn't.
ItsCalledSoccer
ItsCalledSoccer
Joined: Aug 30, 2010
  • Threads: 42
  • Posts: 735
March 16th, 2011 at 3:55:33 PM permalink
Tounge-twister:

Three smart fellows, they felt smart.

Two smart fellows, they felt smart.

One smart fellow, he felt smart.

Two smart fellows, they felt smart.

Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
teeth1
teeth1
Joined: Feb 23, 2011
  • Threads: 2
  • Posts: 79
March 16th, 2011 at 4:08:47 PM permalink
Second funniest.

A man was collecting bottles, when a woman answered the door -

Man: Excuse me madam, do you have any empty beer bottles?

Woman: Do I look like the kind of person who would drink beer?

Man: Well then, do you have any empty vinegar bottles?
A gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes but doesn't.
Toes14
Toes14
Joined: May 6, 2010
  • Threads: 18
  • Posts: 455
March 16th, 2011 at 5:52:20 PM permalink
Q: Did you hear about the Eskimo who went to Medical School to become an Opthamologist?

A: He wanted to become an optical Aleutian!
"Bite my Glorious Golden Ass!" - Bender Bending Rodriguez
ChesterDog
ChesterDog 
Joined: Jul 26, 2010
  • Threads: 6
  • Posts: 773
March 16th, 2011 at 6:26:03 PM permalink
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he's fishing because he never comes back with any fish...

(This is from the Prairie Home Companion's website.)

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