Funniest joke you've eber heard thread

My submission ...

<two men are talking>

Man 1: Does your dog bite?

Man 2: No.

<Man 1 reaches down to pet dog, dog bites him.>

Man 1: I thought you said your dog didn't bite!

Man 2: That is not my dog.

Geez.
OK stop here if easily offended.

Whats the difference between an Oz of coke and a baby.
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Clapton never dropped a Oz of blow out the window

Two blonds walk into a bar ... you think the second one would've seen it.
A lawyer walks into a bar ... who cares?

Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a banjo player?
A. A pizza can feed a family of 4.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer lying dead in the road and a snake lying dead in the road?
A. There's skid marks before the snake.

Whale oil beef hooked.

--Ms. D.

This one I told at a Hibachi Restaurant. My two buddies looked at me like I was an idiot. My buddy's wife laughed for what seemed like a full minute and could not regain herself. The other group at the table was looking at us like we were all morons. I mean, you HAD to be there. Anyways....the story of the persistant duck.

A duck walks into a deli in Massapequa on Long Island.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have any duck food?"
"This is a deli, we don't sell duck food."

Duck leaves. The next day he comes back:

"Excuse me, do you have any duck food?"
(slightly annoyed) "I told you yesterday, this is a deli. We don't sell duck food."

Duck leaves, next day he comes back:

"Excuse me, do you have any duck food?"
(very annoyed this time) "LOOK YOU STUPID DUCK, I'VE TOLD YOU THIS IS A DELI AND WE DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD, AND IF YOU COME IN HERE AGAIN AND ASK FOR DUCK FOOD I'LL NAIL YOU TO THE COUNTER!"

Duck leaves, next day comes back:

"Excuse me, sir, do you have any nails?"
"No, this is a deli, not a hardware store."
"In that case, DO YOU HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD?!"

Quote: DorothyGale

Two blonds walk into a bar ... you think the second one would've seen it.
A lawyer walks into a bar ... who cares?

A blond, Barack Obama, and a rabbi walk into a bar, bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A father asked his son what he wanted to be when he grew up.

Son: A garbage man.

Father: Why do you want to be a garbage man?

Son: Because they only work on Tuesdays!

Tounge-twister:

Three smart fellows, they felt smart.

Two smart fellows, they felt smart.

One smart fellow, he felt smart.

Two smart fellows, they felt smart.

Three smart fellows, they felt smart.

Second funniest.

A man was collecting bottles, when a woman answered the door -

Man: Excuse me madam, do you have any empty beer bottles?

Woman: Do I look like the kind of person who would drink beer?

Man: Well then, do you have any empty vinegar bottles?

Q: Did you hear about the Eskimo who went to Medical School to become an Opthamologist?

A: He wanted to become an optical Aleutian!

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he's fishing because he never comes back with any fish...

(This is from the Prairie Home Companion's website.)

A son sends a prostitute over to his widowed father, in his 90s, and who is still a self-proclaimed ladies' man. She tells him she is his birthday present and is there to give him super sex.

He thinks for a moment and then says "I'll take the soup."

(source: Sid Raymond)

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror .. like his passengers.

What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and vagina?

Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded…

jee -ZUS, dude! Can we PLEASE have one fun thread without your political rantings?

Keep it in the FSZ, donkey.

Quote: ItsCalledSoccer

jee -ZUS, dude! Can we PLEASE have one fun thread without your political rantings?

Keep it in the FSZ, donkey.

There were two jokes with a political slant. Which one did you not enjoy?

BTW Donkey might be considered a personal insult by some.

Quote: AZDuffman

A blond, Barack Obama, and a rabbi walk into a bar, bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Not political, donkey.

Sheesh.

Quote: ItsCalledSoccer

Not political, donkey.

Sheesh.

Hmmm I was under the impression President Obama was a politician.

Please refrain from personal insults. Sorry I missed where it said you needed to approve them first.

Quote: Wavy70

Hmmm I was under the impression President Obama was a politician.

Please refrain from personal insults. Sorry I missed where it said you needed to approve them first.

Donkeys don't get to tell me how to behave, and it's not about my approval, but your judgment.

But hey, if you want to be the forum's new "hyper-sensitive and over-political to the point of losing credibility" jester now that MKL and JerryLogan are gone, be my guest.

Quote: ItsCalledSoccer

But hey, if you want to be the forum's new "hyper-sensitive and over-political to the point of losing credibility" jester now that MKL and JerryLogan are gone, be my guest.

Ahh if they agree with your ancient political philosophy than it's OK. But any thought aside from what you think is wrong.
My that is quite a non freedom loving idea.

Sorry if a politician uses their family as a campaign pawn they are fair game.

I am also sorry if I told you what to do. Seems like a sore point. Must happen often.

Quote: AZDuffman

A blond, Barack Obama, and a rabbi walk into a bar, bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Quote: Wavy70

What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and vagina?

Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded…

These two jokes are equivalent? Only in the mind of an over-sensitive, hyper-political jester.

Sheesh. I regret starting the thread now ...

Quote: ItsCalledSoccer

These two jokes are equivalent? Only in the mind of an over-sensitive, hyper-political jester.

Sheesh. I regret starting the thread now ...

Not close to equivalent. The first wasn't funny.

This is funnier than the jokes.

Quote: teeth1

This is funnier than the jokes.

Teeth your Signature line is the best. I used to live next to a small firehouse and one of the firemen was an aspiring bagpipper.
About 2 hours a day on his On days. I figured it's best not to complain just in case.

Quote: Wavy70

Teeth your Signature line is the best. I used to live next to a small firehouse and one of the firemen was an aspiring bagpipper.
About 2 hours a day on his On days. I figured it's best not to complain just in case.

I had to change it to that. The one I had first was not considered appropriate.

Buddy Hackett's Duck Joke

Whats the hardest part of a vegatable to eat???????

the wheel chair.

Quote: appistappis

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat???????

the wheel chair.

See now I don't feel so bad. BTW Stealing that 1

My funniest, although it's quite long:-

A guy gets home and notices that he has a gorilla up a tree in his backyard (garden to us Brit's).

So he calls the local animal shelter and they give him the number of a specilaist who deals with all kinds of large animals. After calling the specialist, it was arranged that he would come to the house in around 20 minutes.

Sure enough, around 20 minutes later, a white van pulls up and a little guy steps out. He reaches into his car and pulls out a net, a shotgun and a large rottweiller on a leash (lead - UK). He then proceeds to walk up the drive and ring the doorbell.

"So, where's this gorilla?" asks the specialist.
"He's in the backyard up a tree", replies the guy, "I'll show you".

They both make their way to the back and the guy brings his dog, shotgun and net along with him. When they get there the little guy turns to the man and says:-

"Ok, here's the plan. I'm going to climb up the tree and get on the same branch as the gorilla. Then I'm going to shake the branch violently until the gorilla loses his balance and falls out. When the gorilla lands, the dog, who is highly trained, will automatically run over and bite the gorilla between the legs. The dog will clamp tightly and won't let go until I get down from the tree. While the dog has the gorilla by his 'tender parts', you run over and put the net over the gorilla - I'll climb down and take the gorilla away. Easy, eh? Do you follow?".

"Sure", says the guy, "but what is the shotgun for?".

"Well", replied the specialist, "if I fall from the tree, shoot the bloody dog !!!" :-)

From the Trump roast on CC.


Jeffrey Ross on Lisa Lampanelli: "Her vagina is so beat up its nickname is Rihanna."

Gilbert Gottfried on Donald Trump: “As a developer, Donald Trump has done so much damage to the New York skyline instead of calling him ‘The Donald’ they should call him ‘The 20th Highjacker’.”

Lisa Lampanelli on Seth MacFarlane: “I joke Seth. I love your work. I especially like that weird baby you made with the enormous football shaped head. (Looks down at card and then rips it up.) Oh, sorry. That was for my Sarah Palin roast.”

Ok I have two, but bare with me they are longish.


A man is at work and is invited to the casino by his work buddies, he has never gambled before, the odd lottery ticket and a few bets on the football when a big game is on, but nothing major and he has never been to a casino in his life. But he is a sociable fellow and agrees to go along, he has just been paid and has $1,000 in his pocket and figures that if he only loses $100 its no big deal.

That night he is overcome by the atmosphere in the casino and soon is trying all the games it has to over, he dislikes the random-ness of the roulette wheel, cant throw the dice without them jumping off the table, and he cant work out how to play 3 card poker without asking, and he doesnt want to look foolish. He finally sits down at an empty seat on the blackjack table where he knows basically how to play (he recently watched the film 21) ;-)

His first few hands go well and he has recouped the money lost testing the other games out and made a small profit of around $100, two glamorous ladies sit down next to him, and big up his lucky streak. The adrenaline is pumping and he is loving the attention he is getting. But luck takes a turn for the worse, and he is suddenly down $500 and not looking forward to the long walk home with half his wages. He decides to make one last bet in the hope of doubling up and breaking even. $500 on one hand, he gets 20, the dealer has a Queen showing, deciding to stand the dealer flips over an ace and sweeps the $500 one smooth swoop leaving our man feeling empty and dejected.

On his way home he trys to find the words to explain to his wife how he lost his weeks wages, and how he is going to survive without the money. He gets home and slides into bed without saying a word.

He wakes up the next day as if nothing happened, tells his wife he had a great time out with the boys and had a few beers. He leaves for work. But he isnt going to work today, he calls in sick and heads to the bank. He withdraws the savings for $5000 and gets in a taxi back to the casino, he is going to win back the $1000 and everything will be ok..... No big bets, no risky moves, just good play. He is there for almost 6 hours, before he is broke. Again. This is bad. Very bad. He has 2 hours before the banks close and gets a taxi back to the bank. He re-mortgages his house and gets $40,000 in equity. He gets back in the taxi and arrived once more at the casino. He says to himself one bet, win or lose he is out of there and takes what ever fate brings him.

The confidently walks up to the blackjack table and places the $40K on the spot. The dealer looks at him doesn't say a word, but his face says "Really?". The man urges the dealer to play the hand. His first card is a Jack, the dealer gets a King, his second card is a 8. Ouch, he shouldn't really hit, but it looks bad. Just as he is about to say stand a genie appears floating above the table.....

Its clear the genie is only visible to the man, and he shouts at the man "Wait, DO NOT SAY STAND", the man looks puzzled. The Genie says "You want to win this hand right?" The man nods his head, "then you must take a card" The man says thats a very bad move, and hitting 18 is not something he has ever seen done. The Genie says "look mate, I am a genie that only you can see, trust me when I say take a card". The man ponders this for a moment, is this some sort of divine intervention? It must be. The man says the dealer, hit me. The dealer looks shocked but turns the card over.

Its an ACE! the man has 19, his hand has just improved a lot. A smile comes across his face. Wow that was amazing. He is about to say stand again, but once more the genie stops him. "Take another" he says. The man is thinking the genie is insane. The Genie says "Look you have to beat the dealer, 19 is not going to be enough, trust me, I was right the first time. Hit again". The man asks for another card. The dealer starts to think the man is a bit of an idiot, but turns the next card.

Its another ACE! the man punches the air. But the genie puts out that 20 is still not a winner if the dealer makes 21. "I was right twice already, third time is a charm". The man now completely confident in the Genie's ability asks for another card. the dealer now is witnessing someone hitting hard 20. The dealer decides to do the man a favour, he says "look buddy you just got two miracle aces, unless the next card is a third ace you gonna lose the $40k, my advice is to stand" The man looks back at the Genie who is chanting "HIT HIT HIT HIT". The man still asks for another card. The dealer has now given up and is looking forward to taking his money. He turns over the next card.

Its the ACE!!!!! Wow the man has made a five card charlie, unbeatable and pays 2-1. The man is screaming the crowd are going the wild, the dealer is looking amazed, the pit boss is frantically checking the deck. The place is alive and the man's prayers have been answered. In the background you see the Genie. Before he vanishes His last words are " Fucking Lucky Bastard".

Funniest joke I've ever heard is a bit of a tall order.

So, Paul (the disciple) was at the cross as Jesus was being crucified. Jesus had been quiet for awhile and Paul begin to think he was dead. But then after a long time Jesus lifted his head and stared into the distance. Then Jesus lips moved and he was saying something but Paul couldn't hear him. So Paul ran to the base of the cross and said, "Yes, my Lord, what do you wish to say". Jesus said something which was barely a mumble and Paul still couldn't hear him. So, he asked a few of the other people gathered near to help lift him up so he could put his ear near Jesus's mouth.

Jesus started to speak again. "Yes, Jesus, yes, what is it my dear Lord? What do you wish to tell me?" Paul asked excitedly.

"Paul ... Paauuul" Jesus said.

"Yes, Jesus!"

"Paul, I can see your house from here."


~

This is an old joke. Rather than typing out the whole thing I copied and pasted from http://www.jokes-news.com/search/pig+farmer....


One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighboring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in, free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish, I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

“No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.” So off he went to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig…

An elderly Jewish man sits on a park bench next to an elderly Jewish woman. They strike up a conversation.

After a while, the woman asks, "So what's with you the sex situation?"

He replies, "Infrequently."

She thinks about this, and finally responds, "Is this one word or two?"

Quote: Wavy70

What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and vagina?

Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded…

I think you have WoV confused with democratundergroung or dailykos?

HINT: If you are going to do an off-color joke, make it clever.

Are ethnic / racial jokes acceptable? If so, here's my favorite.

If not, or you're easily offended, skip / delete this post.



This is actually a two-part joke. Most people know the first part.


Q - How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on the bed?

A - Velcro on the ceiling.


Q - How do you get him down?

A - Give a Mexican kid a stick and tell him it's a piñata.

A mullah and a rabbi were arguing whose God is better, nobody's argument could win against the other's. Finally, the rabbi says: "Look, I am going to prove that my God is powerful and loving once and for all. I am going to jump from this cliff into the sea, and my God will save me!". The mullah says: "Oh yeah? Well, go ahead then, jump!" and the rabbi jumps without any hesitation ... and starts drowning down in the water.

The mullah watches him struggling down below for a minute or two, and then runs down to a boat, takes it to the drowning rabbi and puts out his hand. "Go away!" - says rabbi with pride, - "my God is going to save me!".
The mullah drifts away and watches from the distance ... but then decides to makes another attempt ... and then another, but the rabbi is impregnable, and keeps sending the mullah away with the same reply.

The mullah gives up finally, and the rabbi drowns and his soul flies up to face God.
"Father!" - pleads the rabbi's soul to God, - "Haven't I been righteous all my life? Haven't I followed all of Your laws? Why didn't You save me, and made me lose my argument with the mullah then?!"

"What do you mean "I didn't save you?" - God replies, surprised, - "I sent the mullah down three times to save you, but you kept refusing"

Not the funniest, but brief and semi-appropriate:

What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives women wild?










A hundred-dollar bill.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side

A phycisist anounced he has discovered the perfect way to cook a turkey. Of course it only works for spherical turkeys in a vaccum.

Q: How many computer programmers does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardawre problem.

Q: Why did the Minbari cross the road?
A: Understanding is not necesary, only obedience.

A guy goes up to a prostitute standing on a street corner in Vegas.

"How much for full sex?" he asks.

"Twenty Five dollars", came the reply.

"Wow, that's not much, why are you so cheap?", he queries.

"Well I haven't got a womb", replies the prostitute.

"But surely that won't make any difference to the love making, will it?" says the guy.

The prositute replies "No, no, we just have to do it behind the wailings"

Q. What's the difference between light and hard ?

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A. You can sleep with a light on.

I heard Ronal Reagan tell this one:

Q: Who came up with Communism, a scientist or a politician?
A: A politician. A scientist would have tried it on rats first.

Quote: Switch

A guy goes up to a prostitute standing on a street corner in Vegas.

"How much for full sex?" he asks.

"Twenty Five dollars", came the reply.

"Wow, that's not much, why are you so cheap?", he queries.

"Well I haven't got a womb", replies the prostitute.

"But surely that won't make any difference to the love making, will it?" says the guy.

The prositute replies "No, no, we just have to do it behind the wailings"

A hooker walks up to a guy stopped at a red light and says, "Look, it's been a slow day, so I'll do anything you want for 20 bucks as long as you can describe it in 3 words or less."

The man thinks about it for a second and says, "Paint my house."

Quote: AZDuffman

I think you have WoV confused with democratundergroung or dailykos?

HINT: If you are going to do an off-color joke, make it clever.

Would you recognize "clever" if you saw it?

You seem ok with racist jokes tho.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a politician?

A: There are things a prostitute won't do for money.

Quote: Wavy70

Would you recognize "clever" if you saw it?

You seem ok with racist jokes tho.

Really? What racist joke did I tell?

Quote: AZDuffman

Really? What racist joke did I tell?

Didn't say you did but they don't seem to offend you when they are told in this thread.

Yawn

Quote: Nareed

I heard Ronal Reagan tell this one:

Q: Who came up with Communism, a scientist or a politician?
A: A politician. A scientist would have tried it on rats first.

Reagan: The USA is better than the USSR. In this country anyone can walk up to the gates of the White House and say, "I hate Reagan, he is a war monger!"
Gorbachev: "So what, in the USSR anyone can walk up to the gates of the Kremlin and say, "I hate Reagan, he is a war monger."

Quote: Wavy70

Didn't say you did but they don't seem to offend you when they are told in this thread.

Yawn

So lets see, because I didn't act like some girly-man and cry that I was "offended" somehow I am a racist? You are really reaching now. What's next, because I don't tell people I think it is wrong to beat puppies that it is OK to do?

Why don't you just admit you couldn't understand why the joke I posted was not political in nature?

Quote: AZDuffman

So lets see, because I didn't act like some girly-man and cry that I was "offended" somehow I am a racist? You are really reaching now. What's next, because I don't tell people I think it is wrong to beat puppies that it is OK to do?

Why don't you just admit you couldn't understand why the joke I posted was not political in nature?

Haven't thought you made any jokes yet.
You missing an anger management class to chat with me by chance?