Miscellaneous Discussion Thread

Quote: AxelWolf

I had never even heard of that movie untill someone mentioned it on the forum. So, I loaded it up, and let's just say I didn't get that far, It just wasn't for me.

I was really young when I saw the Shining. I can only remember bits and pieces. I Never took the time to rewatch it.

I was fairly young when I saw The Exorcist and that was a little scary because I actully thought that sh*t could possibly happen.


The question is...what was my mom thinking to let me watch all that stuff? perhaps she thought it was educational since she believes in all that stuff. Bigfoot, UFO's, Lochness monster, demons, possessions, angels, GOD.

However, she is not foolish enough to believe in DI or betting systems.

It's not for everyone. I'm guessing you're more of a Fast and the Furious kinda guy? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I envied kids like you who could see whatever movies they wanted. Rod and Tod Flanders had more freedom than I did.

Quote: RogerKint

It's not for everyone. I'm guessing you're more of a Fast and the Furious kinda guy? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I envied kids like you who could see whatever movies they wanted. Rod and Tod Flanders had more freedom than I did.

While I certainly enjoyed the first few Fast and the Furious movies It wasn't an... OMG I have to see this.

I like a wide variety of stuff and that was even true when I was a kid.

When I was young it was the Goonies, Lost Boys, breakfast club, weird science, Cant buy me love, Caddyshack, Ferris Buellers day off, fast times at Ridgemont High, platoon, full metal jacket ( Me so horny, me so horny, me love you long time), Gangster Movies. And Let's not forget Karate and western movies.



Nowadays, I prefer movies and series that are based on real life but no doubt I will indulge in shows like Breaking bad, Dexter and the Walking Dead.

Marco Polo was an entertaining series. Thanks to you and MaxPen for that recommendation. That Dutch Navy movie you recommended was also decent.

Quote: RogerKint

Marco Polo was an entertaining series. Thanks to you and MaxPen for that recommendation. That Dutch Navy movie you recommended was also decent.

MaxPen? I swear I was the one who touted that one a few times. I loved it, I was probably the one who told Max to watch it.

The Men Who Made America is a good series.

Quote: AxelWolf

MaxPen? I swear I was the one who touted that one a few times. I loved it, I was probably the one who told Max to watch it.

The Men Who Made America is a good series.

I tried telling you to watch it but you already had. You are the Kublai Khan of good programming, should have known you already saw it.

Quote: AxelWolf

-snip-
I like a wide variety of stuff and that was even true when I was a kid.

When I was young it was the Goonies, Lost Boys, breakfast club, weird science, Cant buy me love, Caddyshack, Ferris Buellers day off, fast times at Ridgemont High, platoon, full metal jacket ( Me so horny, me so horny, me love you long time), Gangster Movies. And Let's not forget Karate and western movies.
-snip-

We pretty much grew up watching the same movies. I will add Jaws, Airplane!, Friday the 13th, Better Off Dead, Romancing The Stone, Road Warrior, ET, Tron, Brainstorm, Beverly Hills Cop, Top Gun, Princess Bride, Stand By Me, Back to the Future, Aliens.
Man there where a lot of excellent films I grew up watching. Scariest movie for me growing up was Poltergeist. 3 scenes I still get a little freaked out about even today: face crumble moment in the bathroom, the hungry tree, and the clown under the bed. Shudder...

Quote: Keeneone

We pretty much grew up watching the same movies. I will add Jaws, Airplane!, Friday the 13th, Better Off Dead, Romancing The Stone, Road Warrior, ET, Tron, Brainstorm, Beverly Hills Cop, Top Gun, Princess Bride, Stand By Me, Back to the Future, Aliens.
Man there where a lot of excellent films I grew up watching. Scariest movie for me growing up was Poltergeist. 3 scenes I still get a little freaked out about even today: face crumble moment in the bathroom, the hungry tree, and the clown under the bed. Shudder...

Can't believe I forgot Stand by Me since it's one of my favorite movies.

A Christmas Story is on top of my list as well.

I liked the Village and The Other's.

Quote: AxelWolf

Can't believe I forgot Stand by Me since it's one of my favorite movies.

A Christmas Story is on top of my list as well.

I liked the Village and The Other's.

I have never seen xmas story or that one movie about the girl with the umbrella. maybe that is for the other thread.

Quote: GWAE

I have never seen xmas story or that one movie about the girl with the umbrella. maybe that is for the other thread.

How is it possible you haven't seen A Christmas Story? From what you've said about you, it's totally your movie. You have to watch it without TV edit or commercials the first time, though. Promise me. You will hurt yourself laughing.

Quote: beachbumbabs

An awful loss of creativity and perspective.

Huge fan of Bourdain, saw every ep of No
Reservations 5 times. Not crazy about his
CNN show, too much politics and not
enough food. He adored his only child,
an 11 year old girl he had at 50. He doted
on her, she was the light of his life.

So he does the most selfish thing imaginable,
he hangs himself? Good job, Tony, you
just screwed up your daughters head for
the rest of her life. She'll never get over
this, kids of suicides never do. She'll
blame herself, you selfish prick. You totally
lost any respect I had for you. Good job.

Quote: beachbumbabs

How is it possible you haven't seen A Christmas Story? From what you've said about you, it's totally your movie. You have to watch it without TV edit or commercials the first time, though. Promise me. You will hurt yourself laughing.

Isn't it black and white? That drives me crazy. I think they sign in it too. I dont like musical like movies.

I've never seen it, either. It's in color, by the way.
Our family Holiday movie was March of The Wooden Soldiers

Quote: GWAE

Isn't it black and white? That drives me crazy. I think they sign in it too. I dont like musical like movies.

Quit Trolling us.

You are way off.

Its a family Movie.

I would have to think your wife has seen it.


It's a Great Movie..They usually have a marathon during Christmas.

For those that don't know this fact, the Higbees Dept Store filming location in A Christmas Story is now JACK Casino Cleveland.

Quote: EvenBob

Huge fan of Bourdain, saw every ep of No
Reservations 5 times. Not crazy about his
CNN show, too much politics and not
enough food. He adored his only child,
an 11 year old girl he had at 50. He doted
on her, she was the light of his life.

So he does the most selfish thing imaginable,
he hangs himself? Good job, Tony, you
just screwed up your daughters head for
the rest of her life. She'll never get over
this, kids of suicides never do. She'll
blame herself, you selfish prick. You totally
lost any respect I had for you. Good job.

You have no idea what was going through his head, so you have no basis to make this assertion.

Quote: GWAE

Isn't it black and white? That drives me crazy. I think they sign in it too. I dont like musical like movies.

No no no no no. Color. Funniest Christmas movie ever. No singing except I think in the very last scene, and not AT ALL what you would expect.

I would throw great lines at you that would get everybody else going, but I don't want to spoil it for you.

Have a Christmas in July party on the 25th. Give each other stupid cheap presents, wrapped. Sit in the AC at your best TV and stream it after the kids are in bed, though I think they can watch it, too. But no distractions.

Quote: beachbumbabs

Funniest Christmas movie ever.

Christmas Vacation is funnier.

Quote: Ibeatyouraces

Christmas Vacation is funnier.

Mmmm...maybe.

Nope. Close, though. Might depend on your age.

Funniest Christmas movies (5)

A Christmas Story
Christmas Vacation
Bad Santa
The Santa Clause
Hmmm...running out. Elf? Something else?
No. Die Hard. Not a comedy, but has some great moments.
Home Alone deserves a mention, too.

Not funny:
Jingle All The Way.

Quote: beachbumbabs

Mmmm...maybe.

Nope. Close, though. Might depend on your age...

PFFFFT......Chevy Chases' rant near the end alone was funnier than all of ACS! Warning.. PG-18

https://youtu.be/TQXuazYI_YU

Quote: EvenBob

So he does the most selfish thing imaginable,
he hangs himself? Good job, Tony, you
just screwed up your daughters head for
the rest of her life. She'll never get over
this, kids of suicides never do. She'll
blame herself, you selfish prick. You totally
lost any respect I had for you. Good job.

Maybe it was just erotic asphyxiation gone wrong.

Actually, it was probably all the people who kept telling him he had the best job in the world. Best life, plenty of money. Then when he was depressed he figured he couldn't have it any better. No solution. Sent him into a dead spin.

Quote: rsactuary

You have no idea what was going through his head

I know enough. His dream of the international
Bourdain Market, in which he had millions
invested, got canceled 6 months ago. That
was going to be his legacy, he said as much.
People would remember him for The Bourdain,
shall we meet at The Bourdain? Lets have
lunch at the Bourdain. Don't you just love
The Bourdain?

That's what his legacy would be, not what he
considered those 'stupid' TV shows, as he
called them. And now they're saying his
GF might have broken up with him a few days
before. And he's always had trouble with
depression.

But he wasn't 16, he was 61. He knew who to
call, he knew when to reach out. And he damn
well should have reached out because of his
daughter. He damn well should have bucked
up and bit his lip and soldiered on like he
had done all his life. No kid needs to have
a suicide parent. Poor Tony, had to stick
heroin in his arm for 20 years. Poor Tony,
he had to endure all that success on TV shows
he felt were beneath him. Poor Tony. he
lost his market. Tough luck. You had a kid
at 50, you knew you were prone to depression,
you make a contract with yourself to go the
extra mile so you don't make your problem
the kids problem for the rest of her life.

She'll blame herself no matter how many
shrinks she see's, till the day she dies. Which
might be from suicide, it's very common for
it to run in families once it's started. Good
job, Tony.

Years ago I worked a suicide hotline for 4
months. Opened my eyes to how these
people often think and feel. Personally
I feel it's the most selfish self centered
thing a person who has family can do.

Couldn't stand the guy. So fake.

Quote: EvenBob

I know enough. His dream of the international
Bourdain Market, in which he had millions
invested, got canceled 6 months ago. That
was going to be his legacy, he said as much.
People would remember him for The Bourdain,
shall we meet at The Bourdain? Lets have
lunch at the Bourdain. Don't you just love
The Bourdain?

That's what his legacy would be, not what he
considered those 'stupid' TV shows, as he
called them. And now they're saying his
GF might have broken up with him a few days
before. And he's always had trouble with
depression.

But he wasn't 16, he was 61. He knew who to
call, he knew when to reach out. And he damn
well should have reached out because of his
daughter. He damn well should have bucked
up and bit his lip and soldiered on like he
had done all his life. No kid needs to have
a suicide parent. Poor Tony, had to stick
heroin in his arm for 20 years. Poor Tony,
he had to endure all that success on TV shows
he felt were beneath him. Poor Tony. he
lost his market. Tough luck. You had a kid
at 50, you knew you were prone to depression,
you make a contract with yourself to go the
extra mile so you don't make your problem
the kids problem for the rest of her life.

She'll blame herself no matter how many
shrinks she see's, till the day she dies. Which
might be from suicide, it's very common for
it to run in families once it's started. Good
job, Tony.

Years ago I worked a suicide hotline for 4
months. Opened my eyes to how these
people often think and feel. Personally
I feel it's the most selfish self centered
thing a person who has family can do.

Rational people do not kill themselves, and depressed people are not rational.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It does not matter if you have kids or the best job in the world.

Your rant is kin to yelling at someone because they died of cancer.

Quote: gamerfreak

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It does not matter if you have kids or the best job in the world.
.

Depression does not make you insane, you
don't lose your mind and start acting like
a loony tune. That's why I made the point
that he was 61 and not 16. He had been here
before, he knew the drill, he knew that if
he called somebody they would help him.
But he took the selfish route instead.

That's fine, his life, his business. Just don't
expect sympathy, you royally screwed
your daughters mind for the next however
long she lives. You made the choice,
the easy way out for you and the hard way
for her. Glad he ain't my old man...

𝗗𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘂𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗶𝗹 𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗶 𝗯𝗼𝗻𝘂𝗺

that is a Latin saying dating from the 4th century; that is still quoted about 1700 years later

translation: "Do not Speak ill of the Dead"


that is what I go by

One thing to note about "A Christmas Story" is that it is a movie you just have to see regardless of the title. Especially if you've ever lived in the Midwest, but even if you haven't, gotta see it.

I've run across people who haven't seen it who have avoided it because 'Christmas' is off-putting to them. Understandable, but the fact is the movie just has to be seen. It isn't about 'Christmas' per se but about 'that season in the Midwest in those days'

Quote: gamerfreak

Rational people do not kill themselves, and depressed people are not rational.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It does not matter if you have kids or the best job in the world.

Your rant is kin to yelling at someone because they died of cancer.

Rational people DEFINITELY do kill themselves. The act of suicide may or may not be an irrational act. I know many people that have suffered from depression. Only a few have killed themselves. I agree with Bob that it STILL is a choice to either kill yourself or not kill yourself if you are suffering from depression, cancer, severe arthritis, etc... And Bourdain CHOSE the choice that for him was the easiest way out. At the expense of his pre teen daughter.

So many conditions can lead to suicide. Cerebral diabetes, perhaps even a low fat diet. With all the strange stuff he has eaten I hope they do a careful autopsy but realize they will not.

Even schizophrenia which we generally view as a purely psychiatric illness has so many co-mormidities including suicide. We often ascribe the comormidity of assaultive, homicidal or suicidal behavior to the effects of drugs or the long term effects of social isolation induced by poor exercise and poor nutrition, yet current thinking is that schizophrenia is a whole body disease likely caused by an infectious agent since people at time of initial diagnosis do seem to have markers of elevated immune response.

The Vegas shooter would have been a great opportunity for a thorough autopsy, they refused to do one.

The death of Robin Williams was really a delayed reaction to a mild stomach ache twenty years prior to his death, but all the quacks do is cross out alzheimers and write in Lewy Body Disease. What is the use of trying to look back to a meal of slightly contaminated milk or cheese or salad from decades before and investigating enteric organisms making the longest trip in the human body towards the brain?

A great many substances and organisms can affect cranial autophagy/xenophagy but quacks just do a minimal autopsy. Medicine has this obsessive viewpoint that parasites only affect the behavior of lower organisms but do not affect the behavior of human beings. It is absurd.

We all have ups and downs and sometimes various waves are additive. It happens.

Quote: SOOPOO

And Bourdain CHOSE the choice that for him was the easiest way out. At the expense of his pre teen daughter.

Yes, at the expense of his pre-teen daughter. You are quite correct. Do you think perhaps his daughter was a significant part of his hopes and dreams? Do you think his choice also affected all other aspects of his hopes and dreams. He was working on a project of great value to him, he was leading a life of significant achievement for him. I'm not quite sure why you are focusing on just this one aspect of his hopes and dreams.

Quote: AxelWolf

Quit Trolling us.

You are way off.

Its a family Movie.

I would have to think your wife has seen it.


It's a Great Movie..They usually have a marathon during Christmas.

Yeah she has watched it probably 100 times.

Quote: beachbumbabs

No no no no no. Color. Funniest Christmas movie ever. No singing except I think in the very last scene, and not AT ALL what you would expect.

I would throw great lines at you that would get everybody else going, but I don't want to spoil it for you.

Have a Christmas in July party on the 25th. Give each other stupid cheap presents, wrapped. Sit in the AC at your best TV and stream it after the kids are in bed, though I think they can watch it, too. But no distractions.

Just googled it. I was thinking of the wrong movie. I still have no seen the xmas story. Last time we were in Cleveland my wife wanted to go visit the house they used. The black and white movie that I was thinking is the sound of music. Have not seen that either.

I didn't see silence of the lambs until about 5 years ago because of the name. I didn't realize it was a murder movie. Now it is one of my favorites. I guess I am ignorant when it comes to movies.

Quote: gamerfreak

Rational people do not kill themselves, and depressed people are not rational.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It does not matter if you have kids or the best job in the world.

Your rant is kin to yelling at someone because they died of cancer.

In the gun thread I shared my journey. I suppose I could update here and let that thread rest...

Last I wrote it had been over 200 days since I began seeking help, and in that time I've spoken to one person one time and had amassed roughly $700 in bills. It's been about 2 months or so since then, I continue to fight the good fight. No procrastination, you know? Make every appt, make em asap, really dive into it. And in these last two months, I've had one more appt (one), and total bills are now at $1,900.

$1,900. And for this, I have talked to one person for a total of ~100min, ~70 of which was simply data collection (height, weight, med / mental history, upbringing, etc) "Diving into the problem" so far has amounted to a conversation that led to the idea we should check physical brain structure to make sure it's not a hardware problem. And that is it. Nearing a full year, been yelled at a couple times, had two conversations, spent two thousand dollars, and for all that I've obtained the knowledge that my skull contains a brain and it does not contain tumors or structural abnormalities.

I'm not sure what to say about that. Maybe I won't say anything at all. Maybe you can say something about it.

Continuing on in response to the quote, gamerfreak is correct. And EB's rant deserves a response...

There's a very strong, well defined line in all fathers. I doubt mine and EB's are any different. You don't hurt your kids and you destroy anything that tries to. I don't know if he or y'all word it exactly so, but I reckon y'all can say yours is akin to that.

The problem here is when what you are becomes that which needs be destroyed. I don't find it difficult to envision how much I would hurt and damage my kid if I decided to opt out. But depression... it poisons every facet of your life. Having divorced when my kid was 2, he was what I did. Everything I did involved him. Didn't matter if it was doing dishes or weeding the garden, fixing the car or hanging with adult friends, he's always involved. Always has been, it's what he knows. In depression, that's all gone. Dad himself is gone. There's no homework at the kitchen table, now it's just an instruction to get it done. There's no adventure or learning or even interaction. It's hard to say it, but I've absolutely had him on an Xbox for 12 straight hours, as anything greater than laying on the floor and staring at the wall was just too much to tolerate that day (week/month). And times when I've managed to get upright and do something, anything, I'm often too GD battened down and penned up to come outside of the mental box I've constructed to try to save myself. Can you imagine what it feels like when your darling child runs up to your rotting carcass, full of joy looking to shower you with love, and you can't even manage to loose one arm to wrap around him out of fear that you'll somehow...I dunno, just f#$%ing disintegrate?

You're not too disengaged you can't see that your very best effort is still, little by little and bit by bit, destroying your own child. That no matter how hard you try, you're still gonna break him, and, even worse, are encouraging these same feelings into him. That you're literally infecting him with your own horses#$%, self hating, self destructive garbage, there's nothing you personally can do to stop it, and your only hope is the long, drawn out, expensive, painful, and in-no-way-guaranteed-to-even-help process I explained in the beginning of this post.

It's not selfishness. It's desperation. It's "I would die for my child" taken to the literal extreme. And it's about the saddest f#$%ing thing in the world.

Face: being as intelligent as you are I would guess you are already aware of this, but just in case I will post it anyway.

new and better drugs that target different areas of the brain are constantly being tested and released by the FDA

a doctor can't know which drugs the patient will respond best to. so, typically he will try one and if it's not helping try a different one

I suffer from depression too

the drug I was taking wasn't working. my doctor recommended another one. I didn't expect it to work and had zero enthusiasm about it

then I was shocked because I actually felt better IN ONE DAY

I realize there is criticism of over-prescription of medications. but I think anybody in this situation would benefit by trying what is available and keeping an open mind.

men, in particular are often very wary of doctors and medication and often avoid getting help for physical and mental issues and just continue to suffer. some, of course not all, of the drugs being released are tremendously effective.

I wish you the best.

Quote: Face

There's a very strong, well defined line in all fathers. I doubt mine and EB's are any different. You don't hurt your kids and you destroy anything that tries to. I don't know if he or y'all word it exactly so, but I reckon y'all can say yours is akin to that.

No way. There is more a strong undercurrent of sexual, etc, abuse that goes unmentioned. People want to talk about cool elections, fast trains, codes of honor, and the like.

What Face described is a window into the fact that mental health issues can be relentless, which is something I think people fail to realize if they attempt to imagine the experience. For some people, it's bad moments, for others, every waking moment is unpleasant or even painful.

I'm not sure about all of the parasite stuff. It sounds plausible. Wouldn't surprise me. It gets to the question of choice, which people bring up. Say there was a parasite that caused 100% of people to kill themseleves. Would it be a "choice?" 99? 88? 77?

What if there is a certain manifestation of depression that has a suicide rate of 50%?

I agree with the earlier poster who said someone like Spade or Bordaine might be utterly hopeless because they've had all of the best outcomes and none of them did the trick. But, at the same time, if they had constant, crippling depression, they would never have gotten there. It's not like they can't get out of bed. It seems like they must have good days.

I agree with EvanBob that suicide with a young kid is a very bad outcome. Not so confident about what makes a choice. Why is the eventual suicide of the child of a suicide the fault of the parent and not the child?

I, like many others, don't understand depression. Whatever I write next is not meant to offend anyone, if anything it may show my ignorance when it comes to how the brain works. My life is chaos, I am poor, and generally life tends to suck, but I have never once even thought about suicide. I don't understand how depression can ruin lives. I work hard everyday at changing things in order to make our lives better. To me it seems depression is just an excuse to not work to be better. Why let things stress you out and make you depressed? Life is life, you can either do things to make change or you can sit around and worry about things that may be out of your control.

Depression doesn't just happen. It's not a choice, in the normal sense of choice. Ever wonder how people cope in constantly terrorized places of the world? Many of them don't, and so become permanently mentally disfigured. They just don't show them on the nightly news. If we think particularly gut-wrenching thoughts over and over, we quite literally wreck our brains. That sort of choice.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

Quote: Face

I'm not sure what to say about that. Maybe I won't say anything at all. Maybe you can say something about it.

Drugs are a real cost of therapy if needed, but a lot of the rest is available to someone who can access the information, understand how it is suppose to work and then figure out how to utilize it.

But it's just as important to examine the patient - YOU, in order to figure out what's wrong. Some things are like instant recognition of thinking about something differently, like someone revealing the answer to a problem you just couldn't figure out, but other things are like a broken arm, which only improves with time and certain techniques and there is no shortcut. Then again there are things that need practice, just like any skill. . You have to know whether you are dealing with something that is reversible, or something that you need effective techniques to deal with because it's not going away. You wouldn't tell a one legged man to just walk around like he still had two legs, but there are things that work. You can't really treat until you can understand it, when it's do it yourself. You ever have a machine part that you don't know how it fits into the whole. You have examine it, fiddle with it, turn it around and do everything you can to understand how it's suppose to fit in and where it goes. Once you understand that, you can figure what you can or cannot do.

There isn't really anything to figure out with depression and or mania, except how to get rid of nagging doubts, etc, before those get rid of you. No truth will set you free there. What truth in our little worlds? Just find a way to make peace with what you did and didn't do, but rationalize it so there are no winners or losers. Anything to get your mind off it long enough, everyday, so that it rests and heals. Drugs will do the same thing, except you won't be forced to do it for yourself, and will always need the drugs versus the year or two to manually cleanse your brain. We have to keep ourselves moving forward no matter what. Note that the rest your brain gets today will not have much impact until a week or two later. The damage and healing are a lot like the delayed effects of warfarin.

Face: there are several academic studies that have shown that exercise helps depression. it doesn't have to be strenuous exercise it can be just walking. when I started walking for about 2 weeks I hated it. then after 2 weeks I started to like it. I've been fast walking for more than 1 hour every day for several years. Now, I don't want to miss even one day. I know my day is better if I've done my walking. It is not a complete cure but it can help.



the link is a summary from NIH (the National Institute of Health) summarizing many of the academic studies of exercise and depression. All of the studies showed exercise helps. some of the studies compare exercise to other treatments and find exercise to be equally as helpful.


https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3674785/

Quote: GWAE

I, like many others, don't understand depression. Whatever I write next is not meant to offend anyone, if anything it may show my ignorance when it comes to how the brain works. My life is chaos, I am poor, and generally life tends to suck, but I have never once even thought about suicide. I don't understand how depression can ruin lives. I work hard everyday at changing things in order to make our lives better. To me it seems depression is just an excuse to not work to be better. Why let things stress you out and make you depressed? Life is life, you can either do things to make change or you can sit around and worry about things that may be out of your control.

It's a very hard thing to try to explain so that you can understand. I imagine it'd be like asking you to describe what warm feels like or what the color red looks like. We don't really have a language for such things.

If I were to try, I would say it's beyond feeling sad. Sadness often comes with it, as does anger (my main trait), but even that's not quite "depression". Depression, I would say, is the absence of feeling, the absence of emotion. Or at least, somewhat, the inability of you to register it, or for it to move you.

You know what you personally did today, I assume. Do you know why? I'm sure you do. You had that Pepsi because it made you happy, it fulfilled a desire. Maybe you skipped that Pepsi because to do so made you happier. You have a desire, a want, a goal, so you pursued it and denied yourself that sody pop. Why did you build that porch? You wanted a porch, and you have a deep desire to live on the cheap because you very much want your child to have constant parental contact, as opposed to shipping him/her off to daycare. You f#$% WANT that med billing job, because you WANT control over your life, you WANT to take care of little and Mrs, you WANT to make your dreams come true.

Depression kaiboshes ALL of that. There is no want. Want does not, CANNOT exist.

I'm on the uphill starting to come out of it. I had a really good f#$%ing amazing week last week. You may have picked up at DT that outdoors, esp woods and water, is a passion of mine. I've got 300gal in my house and another ~1,700gal just off my front porch. I raise native fish and amphibians, grow native wetland plants, manage water quality, all to the point I've got a nearly pure swamp right in my house. I'm very near my end goal, some 5ish years later, of having a self sustaining, no-touch, fully natural habitat right in my own house. That all is the result of passion, of desire, of good old fashioned "WANT IT". Every fish I caught and transported, by rod, reel, bucket, and foot, to my house. Every plant I traipsed through the swamp to reach and used my own body to dig up. Every pound of the 4+ tons of Earth that I moved, by hand and shovel, was done by the desire in my heart and (what's left of) the steel in my back. And every bit of knowledge I gained to manage the water quality to give me bright fish, hearty plants, and clear water is something I sat right here and poured over for untold hours. That's what WANT IT does. It makes things happen. It's the very source of human production.

With depression, it's gone. There is no WANT IT. There is no anything. There is just a husk, in the shape of a human, that can remember WANT IT but cannot obtain it. When I sat on that porch last week in all of my glory, gazing over the beauty I had created, at all the life that I made happen, my entire being opened up. I spent over 10hrs last week simply sitting, admiring, and experience full contentment. I literally could not have been happier. Rewind some 6 months and you'd see a greenish tank, water marks signifying the level hasn't been addressed for untold weeks, a pumpkinseed that had died, gone fuzzy, disintegrated, and still remained in the tank,... half a decade of work and passion quite literally left to rot. And ALL it needed was just 5 minutes, five literal, actual minutes, to save and rectify. But that, ridic as it sounds, was simply beyond my ability. I "knew" I wanted it, I still had a working memory. I just couldn't FEEL I wanted it. And without feel, there is no drive.

GWAE, you could hand me a truck bed filled of briefcases jacked full of hundreds. If memory serves, that'd be some low-mid 8 figures of cash. I can say with 100% certainty that what you'd receive in return is either a muted, emotionless "Thanks", while I return to the house to leave it in the yard for a couple months, or me cussing you right the f#$% out for having the gall to have given me something that I had to now tend to.

Nothing gets through. NOTHING. You really have no Earthly idea of just how much happy is in your life until there's not a mote of it left. Seeing a puppy bounding in a yard, punching that time clock at the end of the day, getting that check and, holy s#$%, like a full quarter of it is free to spend as you choose. A chickadee signaling the arrival of Spring, the smell of char wafting out of a grill in the neighborhood, the warm sun on a cold body, a cool breeze on a warm body. A hug from mom. A new scribble for the fridge. An Indian Paint Brush growing in that spot you missed with the mower. No matter what it is, how close to your passion it be, or, to others, how incredibly amazing your fortune / life / luck is and has been, to you, it is nothing. There is nothing. A.N.Y.W.H.E.R.E. Not in your job, not in your marriage, not in your fatherhood, it's a wholesale clean out of every molecule of anything positive.

The entirety of life becomes a bowl of day-old plain oatmeal. Cold, grey nothingness. And it's not a moment. Not an "event". Not a day or week. Longest I ever went like this is 7 years. For this particular session, speaking not of "garden variety" depression but the soul sucking, struggle-to-survive level, I'm nearing my three yr anniversary. And it ain't because I didn't try at school, not because of my reckless lifestyle, not because of ridiculous levels of drug use, not because I made a bad decision, or am just too stupid to fix it. It's all because some little gland in my brain decided of its own accord to turn off for awhile.

Sorry, rambling, and way too long for a post addressed to GWAE. But hopefully it sort of starts to open that window for a look inside. It's absolute dogs#$% of the highest order.

I had a friend who killed himself 20
years ago. He was not a close friend,
but a friend nonetheless. I saw him
a lot in the summer because of the
business, but not the rest of the year.

When I heard he put a gun in his mouth,
I felt immediate guilt. What could I have
done to prevent this. But it only lasted
awhile, reason takes over.

Now imagine I had been the 11 year old
kid of this guy, who saw him every day,
who interacted with him every day. That
immediate guilt you feel at that age never
goes away. In fact, it often grows. He
died because of a failure on your part.
Goodbye any chance of a normal life.

Quote: EvenBob

INow imagine I had been the 11 year old
kid of this guy, who saw him every day,
who interacted with him every day. That
immediate guilt you feel at that age never
goes away. In fact, it often grows. He
died because of a failure on your part.
Goodbye any chance of a normal life.

No idea what Bourdain was going through or been through. No idea how many times he fought the same battle over the years. You can guess that some people literally wear out from battle fatigue if it never ends. It works that ways sometimes. Not just with brain. I knew someone fighting the recurrence of tumors who finally gave up -- no more treatment, no more surgeries. How many battles can you fight and keep walking away? .5 10, 20, 100.

Thank you face for that insightful post. I hope my first post didnt comes across as a put down or anything negative. For someone who has never experienced depression it is just hard to understand how that is even possible. Kind of like stress. One of my employees gets stressed out when her job may not get finished for the week. I am like, it is ok. We can make an adjustment next week and get caught up. She will stress all weekend about it. She actually wanted to work off the clock over the weekend to get it done. I just dont understand why she let's it bother her. I gave her a solution and we move on.

When someone breaks a leg, you know right away. That leg is gonna hurt and you won't walk right.

A lady I know has MS. Most days she is fine but there are days when she is not, but just looking at her you would never know. Except on those bad days she can barely walk.

Now when it comes to depression. I would never know just by looking at someone. Because of that it becomes an illness that is misunderstood. Its not like you can take a ct and show me your brain and be like, hey look at that spot. See I am sad. We have good friends that just finalized their divorce last week and the main reason was the husband would lay in bed for 3 days straight with what we assume is depression. He wont seek help. No one knows what is wrong and why he wont talk about it. I wouldn't be surprised if I recieved a call and he was dead.

Face I hope you fight your demons and come through better than ever.

Quote: Face

It's a very hard thing to try to explain so that you can understand. I imagine it'd be like asking you to describe what warm feels like or what the color red looks like. We don't really have a language for such things.

If I were to try, I would say it's beyond feeling sad. Sadness often comes with it, as does anger (my main trait), but even that's not quite "depression". Depression, I would say, is the absence of feeling, the absence of emotion. Or at least, somewhat, the inability of you to register it, or for it to move you.

You know what you personally did today, I assume. Do you know why? I'm sure you do. You had that Pepsi because it made you happy, it fulfilled a desire. Maybe you skipped that Pepsi because to do so made you happier. You have a desire, a want, a goal, so you pursued it and denied yourself that sody pop. Why did you build that porch? You wanted a porch, and you have a deep desire to live on the cheap because you very much want your child to have constant parental contact, as opposed to shipping him/her off to daycare. You f#$% WANT that med billing job, because you WANT control over your life, you WANT to take care of little and Mrs, you WANT to make your dreams come true.

Depression kaiboshes ALL of that. There is no want. Want does not, CANNOT exist.

I'm on the uphill starting to come out of it. I had a really good f#$%ing amazing week last week. You may have picked up at DT that outdoors, esp woods and water, is a passion of mine. I've got 300gal in my house and another ~1,700gal just off my front porch. I raise native fish and amphibians, grow native wetland plants, manage water quality, all to the point I've got a nearly pure swamp right in my house. I'm very near my end goal, some 5ish years later, of having a self sustaining, no-touch, fully natural habitat right in my own house. That all is the result of passion, of desire, of good old fashioned "WANT IT". Every fish I caught and transported, by rod, reel, bucket, and foot, to my house. Every plant I traipsed through the swamp to reach and used my own body to dig up. Every pound of the 4+ tons of Earth that I moved, by hand and shovel, was done by the desire in my heart and (what's left of) the steel in my back. And every bit of knowledge I gained to manage the water quality to give me bright fish, hearty plants, and clear water is something I sat right here and poured over for untold hours. That's what WANT IT does. It makes things happen. It's the very source of human production.

With depression, it's gone. There is no WANT IT. There is no anything. There is just a husk, in the shape of a human, that can remember WANT IT but cannot obtain it. When I sat on that porch last week in all of my glory, gazing over the beauty I had created, at all the life that I made happen, my entire being opened up. I spent over 10hrs last week simply sitting, admiring, and experience full contentment. I literally could not have been happier. Rewind some 6 months and you'd see a greenish tank, water marks signifying the level hasn't been addressed for untold weeks, a pumpkinseed that had died, gone fuzzy, disintegrated, and still remained in the tank,... half a decade of work and passion quite literally left to rot. And ALL it needed was just 5 minutes, five literal, actual minutes, to save and rectify. But that, ridic as it sounds, was simply beyond my ability. I "knew" I wanted it, I still had a working memory. I just couldn't FEEL I wanted it. And without feel, there is no drive.

GWAE, you could hand me a truck bed filled of briefcases jacked full of hundreds. If memory serves, that'd be some low-mid 8 figures of cash. I can say with 100% certainty that what you'd receive in return is either a muted, emotionless "Thanks", while I return to the house to leave it in the yard for a couple months, or me cussing you right the f#$% out for having the gall to have given me something that I had to now tend to.

Nothing gets through. NOTHING. You really have no Earthly idea of just how much happy is in your life until there's not a mote of it left. Seeing a puppy bounding in a yard, punching that time clock at the end of the day, getting that check and, holy s#$%, like a full quarter of it is free to spend as you choose. A chickadee signaling the arrival of Spring, the smell of char wafting out of a grill in the neighborhood, the warm sun on a cold body, a cool breeze on a warm body. A hug from mom. A new scribble for the fridge. An Indian Paint Brush growing in that spot you missed with the mower. No matter what it is, how close to your passion it be, or, to others, how incredibly amazing your fortune / life / luck is and has been, to you, it is nothing. There is nothing. A.N.Y.W.H.E.R.E. Not in your job, not in your marriage, not in your fatherhood, it's a wholesale clean out of every molecule of anything positive.

The entirety of life becomes a bowl of day-old plain oatmeal. Cold, grey nothingness. And it's not a moment. Not an "event". Not a day or week. Longest I ever went like this is 7 years. For this particular session, speaking not of "garden variety" depression but the soul sucking, struggle-to-survive level, I'm nearing my three yr anniversary. And it ain't because I didn't try at school, not because of my reckless lifestyle, not because of ridiculous levels of drug use, not because I made a bad decision, or am just too stupid to fix it. It's all because some little gland in my brain decided of its own accord to turn off for awhile.

Sorry, rambling, and way too long for a post addressed to GWAE. But hopefully it sort of starts to open that window for a look inside. It's absolute dogs#$% of the highest order.

Yes, rambling.

You know what beats any therapist by a mile. Find yourself a couple of decent online pen pals with whom you can exchange a personal line or two, every morning and night. Maybe one with whom you will become even closer, however, though still bear no personal responsibility for. Of the opposite sex, of course. Always more enjoyable, and you'll know that you're on the right track when the two of you click. It does take a while to learn what not to write to most prospective acquaintances, and to find someone who likes to hang in there with you, over the long term. It's something you can do on your own to heal in an informal setting.

Internet gambling forums are just, in a way, in my opinion, another addiction unless you are the type of gambler who can win/lose a little, and walk away without having to "get back at" the casinos, regardless a method of choice - let alone making a lifelong career out of it. Those games are just someone's business-model props to suck up your money and time. We have enough to prove in life, without all of the artificial stuff.

Quote: GWAE

Its not like you can take a ct and show me your brain and be like, hey look at that spot. See I am sad.

Then you would be truly amazed at what ct's and mri's can and do reveal.

The brain is like cottage cheese, separate cells but connected by fluid. Signals have to jump the synapse and pills help with that while the quacks look for other problems. Pills buy time. It may take some time to find the right pills and right dose.

Meanwhile take ACTION, often it doesn'tmatter what action just DO something. Make lemonade make your bed make lunch.... whatever.
Exercise if you can even if its just a walk.
Don't let moss grow in the aquarium.

Take protein, take vitamins, drink water.

Try to find the right pills but stay busy.

There can be zillions of esoteric causes. Stay active. Stay alert.

Quote: GWAE

Thank you face for that insightful post. I hope my first post didnt comes across as a put down or anything negative. For someone who has never experienced depression it is just hard to understand how that is even possible.

No worries. I imagine I probably sound identically ignorant in any weight loss thread. It's hard to get it unless you got it, ya know?

It's why I post. Tying into your friend's story, "The Unknown" is positively horrifying. My first foray into the abyss...you just can't conceive of it. Feeling that empty, that devoid of anything positive, that severe of an affliction just HAS to be being caused by something, your panicked brain tells you. It can't be caused by nothing; that'd be like having broken leg pain with no broken leg. You can't have that level of pain / discomfort and have nothing wrong. But as you run your completely logical brain over everything, and everything again, and again and again in a hellcycle, you keep coming to the solution that you are correct, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Worse, that your life is pretty goddamn great. It's just that what you feel is an emptiness beyond comprehension that makes life a completely exhausting and absolutely pointless death march with no hope of salvation.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if that's not where your friend is. WTF is he supposed to say? I can't even explain it to you having been through it several times and spending years and years on reflection and self analysis. How is he to explain to you what nothing is? Add to it the stigma. Not "feeling love" is one thing to say. How do you say "When my child hugs me, I feel nothing." How do you come to your wife/husband and say that? How do you say it about them? There's no way to word it that doesn't sound like a charge against them, or a signal that it's over. Yet it's really but a statement of a symptom that's scaring the ever f#$% out of someone. And they're stuck with it, unable to so much as utter it to anyone. Even to an anony forum.

That's why I'm posting. Great and sincere love to all the comments and PM wishing me the best, but I'm truly OK. Or, at least genuinely "Will not make the 11o'clock news" OK. But the conversation is my real goal. Some sort of a look inside for those who have never been able to see it. Your buddy there likely wouldn't ever accept an invitation to bowling. You know it like you know your own name. Invite him anyway. You know he won't go, he knows he won't go, he might even know you know he won't go. But he's still a human being, and he's wishing with all his heart that he wanted to want to go. Make sure he knows you want him to want to go, too.

Quote: FleaStiff

Don't let moss grow in the aquarium.

It did help me hatch and rear ~8,000 tadpoles. And then they cleaned the entire thing spotless and quadrupled in size in the span of 3 days while I did nothing but sit and watch.

The worm is turning =)