help I need advice... is he cheating?

Ok I have been with this guy for almost 5 years(May 5th) we are engaged. He just started a new job, and has made friends really quick. A girl he works with is now his friend on FB, she comments on most of his stuff, and her profile is private. I've mostly noticed a difference in him this week. But there have been subtle changes in him since he got the job. Not to mention I had a weird dream that he was cheating on me with the above mentioned girl. He's been really distant lately, he doesn't grab me like he used to, he doesn't compliment me anymore, he went out two times in a row during the week, stayed out til 3 the first night, and 230 the second night. He told me that the girl I'm worried about bought him at least one drink. He spent over 70 dollars on just beer, the second night he took out 60 to do the same. He randomly mentioned that he hopes his job will post days for over time, because he's running out of money... when like a week ago he was sitting really well. When he comes home from work, he goes right for his home office closes the door, and either works on computers, plays on the computer or plays an xbox game for hours. We haven't spent much time together at all in the past 2 weeks. He told me he wanted me to offer sex but when I do he says he's tired or we'll have it later. We finally had sex after over a week, and it was different, more intense, and the foreplay was different. After we had sex he was acting pretty close to how he usually was. Please help me, everyone of my friends and family have given me the same answer please tell me what you think

Quote: tiptoe

Ok I have been with this guy for almost 5 years(May 5th) we are engaged. He just started a new job, and has made friends really quick. A girl he works with is now his friend on FB, she comments on most of his stuff, and her profile is private. I've mostly noticed a difference in him this week. But there have been subtle changes in him since he got the job. Not to mention I had a weird dream that he was cheating on me with the above mentioned girl. He's been really distant lately, he doesn't grab me like he used to, he doesn't compliment me anymore, he went out two times in a row during the week, stayed out til 3 the first night, and 230 the second night. He told me that the girl I'm worried about bought him at least one drink. He spent over 70 dollars on just beer, the second night he took out 60 to do the same. He randomly mentioned that he hopes his job will post days for over time, because he's running out of money... when like a week ago he was sitting really well. When he comes home from work, he goes right for his home office closes the door, and either works on computers, plays on the computer or plays an xbox game for hours. We haven't spent much time together at all in the past 2 weeks. He told me he wanted me to offer sex but when I do he says he's tired or we'll have it later. We finally had sex after over a week, and it was different, more intense, and the foreplay was different. After we had sex he was acting pretty close to how he usually was. Please help me, everyone of my friends and family have given me the same answer please tell me what you think

Well, first the dream is meaningless to the situation. I don't see a preponderance of evience to indicate cheating. What I see is he has a new job and new friends that seem the most change and excitement in his life in some time so that explains his spending time with them. You don't say, but my real question is "what is the wedding date?" If no date is set you are not "engaged" in the real sense. If it was set over 2 years out that is also a problem. If you have no plans for a "big" wedding but rather a quickie in Vegas there is no reason for more than the shortest engagement. If any of these fit he only proposed to keep you quiet and his chances of cheating are much higher.

Been with him for FIVE years?
The fire appears to have gone out. You've settled into "life together" ... and he has some new job, new workmates and probably a bit of a new flame. There has been no reason for this "engagement" to end in a marriage, so it probably won't end in marriage. You've got decisions to make and he has got some decisions to make.

Is this "cheating"? What was your arrangement on this issue during the FIVE YEARS? Has he been getting enough to keep him from straying? Doesn't sound like it.

First, I'd like to compliment you on posting the question successfully on your own. Every other time "cheating boyfriend" questions come to my Email first, and I have to provide personal tech support to assist with the registration process.

You're in a bad place where there is a lot of circumstantial evidence to point to cheating, but none of it can justify making an accusation. I'm not suggesting he is cheating either, he may just be drinking beers with the new girl. If he were cheating I think he would be happier at home, and trying harder to cover it up. If forced make a prediction, I say he is not cheating -- yet.

What is my advice? Tell him you're bored at home and want to hang out with his new friends after work. If he says 'no' then you'll be in a position to question him why not. If he hems and haws, don't have any compunction to move out to rethink your life with him.

My $.02:
You are coming across a little like a drama queen, which probably won't help matters. Yes, there are some indications that things are different, but you also don't have proof of anything, and have some possible explanations for things.

It's normal for your BF to want to fit in at his new job. He probably liked going out drinking with his coworkers, but maybe overdid it and that's why he's looking for the OT (to offset his spending). As far as the girl at his work is concerned, if he hasn't cheated in the past I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt here. Forget your dream, that's probably just your insecurity talking to you.

So he's somewhat distant lately. Have you asked him about it? If not, why not? A couple who's been together as long as you have should be communicating better than you are. Talk to your guy about this. Don't make it all dramatic. Show him you are still into him and ask him if there is anything you can do for him. Tell him that his nights out sound like fun, and ask if you can join him for one.

And BTW, what is wrong with sex being more intense? What's wrong with trying different foreplay? Guys get tired of cuddly, lovey gentle sex all the time. Sometimes we want something more primal. Sometimes we want a little more variety in the routine. You won't know until you talk to him about this. (About him turning down sex, if it was around the days he was out until the wee hours, he probably was tired.)

If there's a night you're nearly positive he went out and cheated on you - plan to come onto him HARD when he gets home. If he turns you down for a few nights... then something might be up.

My advice: Sneak onto his Facebook account.

My wife will post advice in a little while.

First of all, I would like to say how offended I am, as a female, that many of the above responses accuse this poster of being "dramatic" and basically irrational because she has "no evidence." This person is obviously just suspicious, concerned and looking for help, so the accusations are entirely unnecessary.

Second, I think your best bet is to talk to him. If your relationship is ever going to last, communication is key. Coming from a person who has made many male friends at work, this could be entirely innocent. It is likely that he is just trying to fit in and be happy in his new job, but I completely understand your concern. If you plan on marrying him, now is the time to see if he will open up about his feelings and his situation. After 5 years, if you can't work this out, it isn't going to work long term and you are better off moving on.

Last, trust your instincts and your intuition. You would be surprised how accurate it can be. And if all of your friends and family have given you the same answer - as you mentioned in your post - they are probably right because they know both of you and your relationship better than any of us do.

If he is a cheater, good riddance. It is better to find out now than to let him waste anymore of your time.
If not, good luck in hopefully a long and happy marriage.

I went to his place of work, and called him on his break, he rushed to get off the phone and when he came back to work, he was with her they had just had lunch together.

I may be a drama queen, I've never been called that before, but in this case I may be. But that doesn't explain why he took her to lunch didn't tell me he was with her when I called. When she saw me she had her head down so her hair was covering her face. He knew it bothered me in the first place talking to her so why would he take her to lunch. She was trying her hardest and fastest to get in that building. I gave him the ring.

He called me asking what my decision was, I said it's his to make either her or me. He can talk to her at work but other than that I don't want him talking to her. He down right refused to stop talking to her. I went to his work when he got off, he called me again asking me what my decision was I gave him the same answer. he then proceeded to hang up the phone and follow her to a bar. I called him at the bar asking to come in and talk about our problems, she walked out giving me the death look all the way to her car. I argued with him some more, and now he is off trying to find her and apologize for god knows what. He's been out with since 9... it is now almost midnight.

me again sorry.. the date was set for Sept 10, 2011 we've been engaged for maybe 6 months. I tried looking at his facebook, he changed his password... all of his passwords are changed.