DONT WANT TO LOSE LOVE..

DEAR WIZARD
I AM A 21 YEAR OLD WOMEN WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD AND HE WAS 18. WE HAVE BEEN ON AND OFF EVERY SINCE THEN. WE HAVE THREE CHILDREN OUR YOUNGEST BEING 3 WEEKS. I AM BREASTFEEDING AND ALSO WORKING AND STILL TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HOME THE BEST THAT I CAN WITH HIM STILL BEING BY MY SIDE HELPING. WELL LAST NIGHT HE WANTED TO HAVE SEX AND I WAS TOO TIRED AND FEEDING THE BABY AT THE TIME SO I ASKED HIM TO JUST WAIT A MINUTE. HE GETS MAD AND GETS UP AND GOES IN THE LIVING ROOM. WELL THIS MORNING HE IS STILL MAD. THE KIDS AND I LEAVE AND HE STAYS. WE RETURN A WHILE LATER AND MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS FRIEND ARE THERE AND BOUT TO GO. AFTER LEAVING AGAIN HE CALLS AND TELLS ME THAT HE IS NOT COMING HOME AND THAT HE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE. I KNOW THAT I HAVE AND ATTITUDE PROBLEM BUT I ALSO HAVE ALOT ON MY SHOULDERS. WHAT DO I DO TO KEEP MY BOYFRIEND HAPPY ON TOP OF ALL THE OTHER THINGS THAT I DO...DONT WANT TO LOSE LOVE OR MY FAMILY.

Quote: JAYMANI

I KNOW THAT I HAVE AND ATTITUDE PROBLEM .

Is that why your post is almost unreadable
because its all in CAPS?

You're in some trouble. I think you should calmly write him a letter with all of your feelings. "I want you in my life, I'll try to have less of an attitude, but we have 3 kids and their needs are important than yours many times. And we need to be partners, blah blah blah..." Good luck, but I don't see this working out well.

By the age I went out on my first date you already had three kids. Go figure.

I doubt this your boyfriend left because you refused him. A 24-year-old guy is not ready to be the father of three kids, nor would he want to be. I don't see much hope here -- I would start planning a life as a single mother.

Quote: EvenBob

Is that why your post is almost unreadable
because its all in CAPS?

Bob, how is your crusade going against people writing in CAPS? Don't try to change people.

BUT WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR THE GUY TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE BUT NOT FAIR FOR US.. I LOVE BEING A MOTHER AND WHEN YOU LAY DOWN THEN YOU SHOULD EXCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITY. BUT GOD WILLING WE WILL WORK OUT AND BE TOGETHER

Quote: JAYMANI

WHEN YOU LAY DOWN THEN YOU SHOULD EXCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITY.

I agree. I'm sure just about every guy on this forum would. However, the male of our species is biologically programmed to impregnate as many women as possible. It takes a strong mind to overcome that drive and go along with the social custom of providing for children you father. Most 24-year-old guys are not going to be mature enough to accept that responsibility.

I may get blasted for saying this, but I put some of the blame on women who start a family too early. They should know what men are like. The traditional way really is best:

1. Finish school, preferably a four-year college.
2. Start a career and get some dating experience while you're at it.
3. Get hitched in your late twenties/early thirties.
4. Enjoy the newlywed life for a few years.
5. Start having kids.
6. Die.

Sigh.

You've had three kids dating a guy. Obviously he will be on the hook for child support. Your first mistake would be not wrapping him up in a bow and marrying the dude. He has no commitment to you, just to the children, at this point. And for the children, it's important that they have a father figure in his life, and you have to remind him of that and make sure that you get your child support arranged.

Second, the man has got to grow up and realize that the welfare of the children are more important than his welfare at this point in time. Involve him in the welfare and well-being of the children. They are his. He wants sex with you so he still finds you attractive. He's just frustrated that he isn't getting any. Offer him some solace. Buy him some really good porn and tell him to go to town. Pay a little bit of attention to him when you have time. Accept the situation that he is a boy not ready for the responsibility that's in front of him. Both of you are responsible for the children, but you can't expect him to have the mind set of an older, emotionally mature man. So unfortunately, he may not realize that when you have three kids, the primary responsibility is to the children.

But the children are far better off having a father than one that's emotionally distant, and both of you are in this situation, so if you love the guy, and if you love your children, and you know that he'd be better off fathering the children, I'd do what you could to appease him.

Girl, you need to savvy up.

Tell this putz that if leaves you, you'll go on welfare and the State will come after him like flies on shlt, setting a very high child support rate.

His dreams of being a player?

Dashed on the rocks of reality.

With three kids, the State will crucify him, financially.

It makes "cents" for the two of you to stay together, but if he bolts, find another guy.

They're easy enough to catch.

Giving advice to people is an exercise in futility.
Any shrink will tell you people do what they want
to do, they seldom listen to advice. If they ask,
what they usually want is permission to do what
they already know they're going to do. Years and
years ago, when I was still trying to wise up
chumps, I saw a guy win $1100 on a slot. He was
jumping up and down and hollering. I told him
if it was me, I'd be in my car already on my way
home. He said no worries he was going to play
it down to $1000 and leave. When it got down to
$700 he said he was going to play it back to $1000
and leave. When it got down to zero he sat there
stunned. He was still sitting there 20min later,
staring at the machine. People always do what they
want to do.

Thoughts:

1) Don't most doctors tell women to abstain from sex for 4-6 weeks after giving birth? Since you just had the baby 3 weeks ago, he needs to understand that you need time to physically heal.

2) You didn't take maternity leave? Yikes!

3) If this guy hasn't proposed to you after you've had three kids together, he's NEVER going to.

4) You are both very young still, but he sounds more immature. Sure, he still wants to go out & have fun, then expects to come back and have sex with you, regardless of the time or situation. That's selfish on his part.

5) A large part of being a father is sacrificing yourself for the good of the family. For example, I sacrifice money I could be gambling with in order to grow my kids' college funds. That's why I play at the $5 blackjack table instead of the $25 table. I sacrifice my free time to help coach their soccer teams. I sacrifice some of my PTO days to volunteer for chaperoning their field trips or special school days. This is what fathers do. Now you haven't mentioned any specifics, but the general impression I'm getting from your post is that your BF isn't giving up much. That makes him a sperm donor, not a father.

6) You do have a lot on your shoulders, but he should too. Relationships (and marriage) are about partnering with each other. It sounds to me like you need to consider how much of a partner he really is (or should be).

Quote: MrV

Girl, you need to savvy up.

Tell this putz that if leaves you, you'll go on welfare and the State will come after him like flies on shlt, setting a very high child support rate.

More like the tax check I mailed in today is going to pay for this.... This has foodstamps and medicade written all over it. STOP having children!

His dad your dad etc. needs to have a talk with this guy and tell him to man up, WTF is he doing hanging out with his buddy in the morning, please tell me he works.

I don't know if you were in love with him at 15, probably not.
He got what he wanted: some fun and getting you knocked up pretty regularly.
You got what you wanted: some sense of having a boyfriend and his knocking you up all the time is the right thing to happen, even though its an "on and off" relationship of some sort.
You will always have an attitude problem if you ever say no to him.

Since this is the type of relationship you've had for several years, why don't you just accept that is what it will be for the next several years until he finds someone younger.