belleepoque
belleepoque
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December 23rd, 2011 at 8:34:31 AM permalink
Well, I have appreciated the responses and a few PM's I received after I posted my sordid story of deceit, lust, and even love. It has been about 6 weeks since the guy and I spoke on phone. I attempted a few texts since then but he didn't respond except to say "it's not helpful". He was trying to get his head back into his family. and when he said that he ended it with "ugh" and a question to me if I had wanted him to leave his wife.

It's been very difficult emotionally...for both of us. Although he seemed to easily cut contact. Initially I was really angry at him. I felt like he'd left me to pick up the pieces as he went back to his family....It doesn't make sense for me to feel any of these things but it is what it is. One thing I realized is after all I've been through in my life, being married to an abusive physician husband (verbally, emotionally and very controlling and angry with 'no compassion or empathy for women close to me') that my r/s have not been good ones. I finally went to therapy during and after my marriage, changed a lot of things about my life which was very challenging, and looked at what drove me to make these choices (childhood crap, sexually abused as a very young girl etc) and it seems obvious to anyone else why I'd chose a married man to attach to. Yet, I am not that unhealthy any more. And my r/s with married guy turned very quickly into a close bond. He said it, I said it. He felt the same way, so he says....I have really looked at what kind of pathos in my own life would allow me to be in that affair. But what I found is I loved him, who he is, and it was not all just an emotional neediness on my part. Some of it was being lonely etc but had he been single we both said we'd be together and most likely get married.

So....my denial had to be broken. Death is almost easier to get over in a sense. There is closure, there is no more hope in death. I realized that in order for me to move past this emotional bond with this guy I had to get to the place where I absolutely know there is no hope. He had said somethings during the time we were transitioning into no contact that led me to believe there might be a chance. And maybe because he does love me he has gone no contact...or maybe it is all a selfish maneuver on his part. Who knows. He's not a bad guy. he is kind, generous, loving in many ways. So...I'm working on crushing that little bit of hope I still hold onto. I'm trying to find things i don't like about him actually...one being he could very possibly be a sex addict since he has a history of being with prostitutes, swinging lifestyle, adult club, adult theater, compulsive pornography etc. Maybe he is much sicker than I realized. He is a recovering alcoholic, and could have easily a concomittant issue with sex. I'm only saying this as my way of holding onto the negative instead of relive the excitement.

So...pictures, emails, IM conversations, texts/sexts all have to go. And so does hope. Easier said than done but necessary. No way will I ever do this to myself again. The pain I feel is all my fault. I have no one to blame except for me. Had I remained friends only with him my life would be so much better at this moment. And I tried to remain friends when we met. But we allowed the fantasy, the phermones, the lust, the infatuation, the attraction to push us beyond what was right. I would advise anyone that is on the verge of this situation to do their best to take a breath, step back, and play it all out. Because there is no good outcome. The only way anything like that could work is for the married person to end the marriage if it is so bad that they can't fix it. And then take some time for themselves after that before jumping into a r/s. A rebound r/s is messy and unfair to anyone. This guy has a lot of emotionaly work ahead. And I have some work of my own to do. I'm doing it.

I still care, still feel love towards him. But, and lastly, the other thing I realized is that there is no just "one" person for us in this world. The soulmate thing is hollywood hype in my opinion. These fantasy's keep us stuck. Look back at our past r/s...did we not feel that love or connection with more than one? So, this one r/s is not going to be the end of me. There will be someone else. And as someone wrote to me this experience has shown me many things I want/need in a r/s....and now when I meet someone who IS available I will know that I need those things and more...and I'll realize that the r/s with someone available to me will be even better. So...don't sell yourself short. Don't compromise. Hold out for the right thing.

Am I there yet? No. But I will be.

Thanks for the responses and support. Appreciate it very much.
Wizard
Administrator
Wizard
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December 23rd, 2011 at 8:45:03 AM permalink
Thanks for the update. It is good to hear you're doing better and have a realistic attitude moving forward.
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow." -- Ecclesiastes 1:18 (NIV)
1BB
1BB
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December 23rd, 2011 at 9:11:32 AM permalink
Thanks indeed. Now stop texting this guy!
Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth. - Mahatma Ghandi
FleaStiff
FleaStiff
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December 23rd, 2011 at 12:36:45 PM permalink
Quote: belleepoque

since he has a history of being with prostitutes, swinging lifestyle, adult club, adult theater, compulsive pornography etc. Maybe he is much sicker than I realized. He is a recovering alcoholic, and could have easily a concomitant issue with sex.

Man, you sure can pick them!
DeadRats
DeadRats
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December 23rd, 2011 at 1:56:21 PM permalink
" Maybe he is much sicker than I realized. " MAYBE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
belleepoque
belleepoque
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December 23rd, 2011 at 6:21:01 PM permalink
Quote: DeadRats

" Maybe he is much sicker than I realized. " MAYBE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL



I know. It sounded ridiculous after i wrote it....but i learned of those issues much later...so i didnt exactly choose those. It was a slow disclosure on his part and frankly it scared me.
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