starrynight
starrynight
Joined: Jan 4, 2010
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January 4th, 2010 at 11:15:48 PM permalink
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months. Everything's been great. He told me he loved me after only 2 months (flag?) and has treated me like a queen everyday. He bought me a laptop in November as a Christmas present. He is also a photographer, mostly weddings. He recently got started taking pictures at local clubs for a local promoter who is a notorious man-whore to begin with. Suddenly after my boyfriend starts doing these pictures, all the small cute things he says and does don't exist. He'll disappear and not text or call and he's been not coming home until 5 or 6 am when the clubs close at 2. I checked his phone and found several blackberry messenger texts between him and two different females from very late hours. Each of these girls are asking him if they're gonna hang out after he's done with photos (at 2 am????)and while he never says yes, he never says no and certainly never mentions me. One message to girl references that the two of them are supposed to be watching a movie together, another references when my boyfriend will get to see that girl's new dress. I've also gained access to his facebook and he messages another girl asking her if she wants to go with him to the club he goes to once a week and that he'll stay close so she has a familiar face and that his cell is on his business card so she can call or text for any photo stuff or "anything else." My boyfriend won't let me go to the club with him because he says it's too distracting for him and he would miss photos...so why does this other girl he just met get to go? I brought up that I saw the messages between him and the two girls and he had no explanation other than telling me he's never hung out with them, never gone to their house and doesn't know what the messages about movies and dresses are even about. We had a long conversation and he says he wants to be with me (there are other minor things going on too) and that he wants to work on it. If he wanted to be with other people I feel like he would just break up with me. But I'm still worried and really thinking about snaking his phone again. I've had a long history of cheating boyfriends. Am I crazy or should I be concerned.
FleaStiff
FleaStiff
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January 5th, 2010 at 12:07:24 AM permalink
Why would your boyfriend find it distracting for you to be there while he is involved with all these other women? Its obvious you are simply one of several. If you are seeking a monogamous boyfriend, you ain't found one. If you are happy enough with the situation... so be it. Maybe you come first with him, maybe you come last with him. I don't know. You clearly are not the only one though.
Wizard
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Wizard
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January 5th, 2010 at 5:12:22 AM permalink
Quote: starrynight

If he wanted to be with other people I feel like he would just break up with me.



Wrong. Men are wired to spread their seed around as much as possible. He probably wants to have as many girls as possible, including you. This guy sounds like a Tiger Woods understudy. I agree with Fleastiff, you either have to accept the situation as it is or break it off. You aren't going to change him.
It's not whether you win or lose; it's whether or not you had a good bet.
boymimbo
boymimbo
Joined: Nov 12, 2009
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January 5th, 2010 at 5:58:14 AM permalink
I agree with the Wizard. Men are dogs and will have sex with anything they can get their hands on, especially if they know they have a partner who will tolerate it, like you can. We are wired to procreate.

The only reason that men remain monogamous is that they love their partners, that it's socially wrong, and the problems that would be created from the knowledge of the affair (ie multi-million dollar divorces, golf clubs thrown at your car, OJ Simpson) would not be worth the 'benefit' of the affair. Even still, the temptation is there every day.

Inotherwords, if your partner does not have love for you, then he will do a cost-benefit analysis to figure you whether the quality of the affair is worth ruining the existing relationship. Of course, some men don't do that analysis or they come out with the wrong result (like if you have children together).

Your boyfriend is cheating. He bought you a laptop to buy you off. He will remain with you until don't let him get away with it. Dump him. You can do way better.
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
DJTeddyBear
DJTeddyBear
Joined: Nov 2, 2009
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January 5th, 2010 at 8:48:26 AM permalink
Quote: starrynight

I've had a long history of cheating boyfriends.

Well, there's a red flag right there.

Do you unconciously seek out men that will be unfaithful? Is your personality or sexual appetite one which encourages cheating?


Quote: starrynight

Am I crazy or should I be concerned.

You're not crazy. Oh, yeah, he's cheating.

But should you be concerned? Should you just live with it? That's a tough decision.

Then again, maybe you should acknowledge and accept it. Some of the most committed men are ones that have a spouse that allows and/or encourages other sexual partners.
I invented a few casino games. Info: http://www.DaveMillerGaming.com/ 覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧 Superstitions are silly, childish, irrational rituals, born out of fear of the unknown. But how much does it cost to knock on wood? 😁
boymimbo
boymimbo
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January 5th, 2010 at 2:22:07 PM permalink
Quote: starrynight

Then again, maybe you should acknowledge and accept it. Some of the most committed men are ones that have a spouse that allows and/or encourages other sexual partners.



I am not married to one of those and I am quite committed. I do think however that women in happy marriages should concede that men are wired this way and do things to make them happy, short of going outside of the marriage in an affair.
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
Wavy70
Wavy70
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January 5th, 2010 at 8:14:43 PM permalink
Well you are not married but Kobe's wife got a 8c purple diamond.
I have a bewitched egg that I use to play VP with and I have net over 900k with it.
AQT4U2XO
AQT4U2XO
Joined: Sep 19, 2010
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September 23rd, 2010 at 8:46:59 PM permalink
First of all... All of you who answered her questions are just simply awesome. I have never seen such candid, honest, truthful answers even in "specialty" forums where the forum is specifically about one topic. I think it's amazing that women have found this off the wall forum where they can voice their concerns about their man's fidelity and receive answers from what appears to be a man's perspective and not holding back just because you don't want to hurt their feelings. Most of us are used to just girl-talk, where our girlfriends somewhat soften the blow with unrealistic hopes that he'll change and if we do have any male friends they're either a next door neighbor who is probably friends/acquaintance with our man too, or our friends boyfriends who we don't really know well enough to discuss the issue with them or feel embarrassed or awkward doing so. If we do have male friends and our boyfriend's are okay with us having them, they are usually not heterosexual and tend to be on the feminine side so it's hard to get a man's opinion from them in this aspect since they are probably in the same boat as we are (dating men) and don't tend to be "wired" in the same "conquer/pro-create" manner that straight men are, so therefore cannot offer an opinion from that perspective. Those that are heterosexual are either co-workers whom we don't really want to spill our relationship problems to because we don't really want to mix our personal problems with work/co-workers. Any other male friends are probably not liked by our boyfriends and discouraged by them because they don't really like or want us hangin' out with some other guy.

Like I've already mentioned, I am familiar with the wizard of odds website and have visited regularly, but never knew about this Wizard of Vegas site and certainly didn't know how valuable and informative the wizard and his forum members are at giving feedback, answering questions, giving advice or making suggestions to those who post here questioning their man's fidelity. I myself, have a question in regards to my man's fidelity but have not posted yet, but feel I may already have the answer just by simply reading everyone else's questions, but I am still going to post because I am interested in what you all will have to say. Thank all you guys for helping us women out when we really need to know the truth. It's appreciated and it's awesome that you are willing to share what you know about men... how they think, feel, act, and are... It does help to know that most men are born wired this way from the start and that it's not just "us". I feel better knowing that if not me, then probably some other woman, but regardless... not all, but most men do it. From what I understand, even if a man had "his" perfect dream-girl, who was the most sweetest, nicest, understanding, compassionate, empathetic, beautiful, hot, sexy, funny, intelligent, hard-working, wealthy, generous, kind, caring, easy-going, permissive, submissive, and just downright incredible! and simply the best! she could be the most coolest chick on the planet who satisfies and stimulates him completely; taking care of his needs both sexually and intellectually, and in every other way possible... that he would STILL eventually get tired of her and eventually cheat on her too. Although it's sad to come to such a realization, I do take comfort in knowing that it's not just us or even me personally, and that most men do it, but most of all... I take comfort in knowing that there are SOME who DO exist that ARE monogamous and DON'T cheat (even if they are tempted and if the only reason why they don't is because of the cost/benefit-analysis factor... then there is still hope.) Thank you all again for your insight and contribution to this area of questioning on this forum, thank you very, very much.

As for the girl who posted this concern... I agree with everything the others have stated here and believe it is a question of whether or not you want to decide to accept it, allow it, and tolerate it... or if you need to let him go and hope to find a man who fits into the small percentage of men who don't cheat on their wives/girlfriends for one reason or another. Whatever you decide, I hope you make the right decision and find happiness.
The only lawsuits I regret, are the ones I DIDN'T file!
Wizard
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Wizard
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September 23rd, 2010 at 9:19:13 PM permalink
This is a good forum to get men's perspective on things. The ratio of women here, from what I can tell, is very low. I would welcome more, but, alas, the odds of casino games don't seem to interest most of them.

While I maintain that men are wired to spread their seed as much as possible, that doesn't mean they all act on that. Intelligent men, who understand the concept of risk and reward, and delaying gratification, are more likely to make decisions with their brains, as opposed to below the waist. They will be the ones to understand that the guilt and the consequences of being caught are not worth it. There are plenty of good men out there who are very low risks for cheating. Such men are usually the least in demand too.
It's not whether you win or lose; it's whether or not you had a good bet.
mkl654321
mkl654321
Joined: Aug 8, 2010
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September 23rd, 2010 at 9:44:57 PM permalink
Heh. I'm going to post a different perspective from everyone else.

You presumably enjoy this man's company, presumably enjoy sex with him, and he "treats you like a queen". He also says he loves you, and he very well may. He, however, is not promising anything more.

SO WHY NOT SETTLE FOR WHAT THE TWO OF YOU DO HAVE??????????

You have his not-exclusive attentions--but, so what? You do have fun with him. You do like spending time with him. At no time (since you didn't mention it, I am assuming) did he promise a monogamous relationship with you. He obviously senses your discomfort, because he is trying to conceal his other girlfriends from you (trying rather lamely, which means he doesn't feel particularly guilty about them). It seems like he cares for you, and is a good friend. Maybe that's the extent of your relationship; maybe there's nothing more. Why not accept it for what it is?

After all, you've gotten friendship, companionship, sex (I assume), and a free laptop! Why ruin that by trying to get something more, which he is obviously unprepared to offer? Maybe this isn't the time or place to fulfill your romantic fantasies--after all, the vast majority of the men in your life, past, present, and future, will NOT be "the one". Why not enjoy what you do have with this guy?
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality.---George Bernard Shaw

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