Cheating Boyfriends
Quote: mrfosterI saw your relationship advice on another website so I wasnt sure how to send things to you...
BUT last night my boyfriend of a year and a half and I were arguing a little and we were both on our computers (we are both in college). He grabbed my computer after hearing me chuckle a bit at something and so instictively, I went for his. He flipped out. Because it was obvious to me that there was something he didn't want me to see, I went outside and logged into his account. A friend of his was IMing him asking if he told me he "f***ed those b****es yet." We were apart for the entire summer and had some difficult times. The summer before we were away from each other and it went really well but we struggled though this one, partly because I felt like I knew he had been unfaithful but he made me feel like I was crazy and paranoid. I even went so far as to tell him I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him because my feels about the summer were so strong. I just knew! So back to the situation, I found out it was 2 GIRLS and I broke up with him and kicked him out of my apartment. I got through the night but I feel at such a loss. I love him so much, we talked about marriage and children and now I don't know what to do. I've always said cheating is something I will not tolerate, but I can't stand not having him here. What do I do?
My response:
It could have been worse, had you been dating Joran van der Sloot, who is not big on women touching his computer.
FYI, your boyfriend was probably cheating the first summer too. Most young men are going to find it very difficult to go a whole summer without any nookie. If you can't accept that, then you should date guys like me, who take six months to get to second base, but I digress. If he is otherwise a good guy I'd stick with him. File this under youthful indiscretions, and don't leave him alone for three months at a time any longer.
Quote: mrfosterI got through the night but I feel at such a loss. I love him so much, we talked about marriage and children and now I don't know what to do. I've always said cheating is something I will not tolerate, but I can't stand not having him here.
But it seems she's already made her decision.
OK, the best answer is, you're in college, both of you are still clueless, and he's not the only guy in the world that will give you liver-quivers. We ALL thought we met THE ONE in college. Don't settle. If he's THE ONE, he'll still be THE ONE in 7-8 years.
But college kids hate that kind of perspective since it sounds too ... old-person-ish, and even though I'm not old, just old enough to know that life doesn't end after college. So how about this ...
I'm sure he has great qualities and a bright future. But if you're telling the whole truth, it sounded a little weird when he "grabbed your computer after hearing you chuckle." Add to that his reaction when you grabbed his, and it gets even weirder.
He handled your comment by deflecting it and making you feel stupid, which is just a way of not handling it. If he really had a concern for your feelings, he might have handled it with a little more sensitivity ... unless, of course, you do that kind of thing ALL THE TIME, which is a different conversation.
I think he still has some growing to do and confidence to gain when it comes to making a relationship work. That's okay, he's in college. But I think it does mean some major personality shifts are in his future, and if you like him now, you may or may not like these changes once they occur. I think anyone out of college by, oh, 5-10 years will tell you that, she was great in college but then we grew apart/she changed/whatever reason there is for losing touch. I think your situation is one manifestation of this.
As for you, my insecure friend, it should tell you a lot about your own need to gain confidence when you say things like, "I can't stand not having him around." Now, this is very real, and for people who are truly in love, it exists and is VERY powerful. It'll happen to you in due time.
But since you're still in college, I would say that it's pretty easy for you to get fooled by a counterfeit of this. That's okay, you're in college. Think back to when you first started liking boys, and how relatively sophisticated you are now in relationships compared to then. Well, in 5-6 years, you'll look back on now with that same perspective.
Counterfeits are devious and really cause people to do stupid things ... including Wizard (and me). So guard your heart, lean on the people that REALLY have your best interest at heart (family, friends, etc.), admit you don't know everything about how love feels, and try to keep some perspective.
- Frustrated Advice Column Writer
I am willing to bet you are with him because he is a "bad boy" kind of guy. If you stay with him I guarantee the following:
1. He will put off marrying you for as long as possible
2. If you do get married, it will last less than 5 years
3. You will get pregnant, by choice or accident, and hope it will settle him down
4. It won't
5. By age 30 you will have given up trying to get him to pay child support
6. Whoever you get to replace him after will cheat on you as well
Follow the advice of the earlier poster-try to pick up a new guy at the computer or engeneering department. Smarter guys usually have interests outside getting as much action as possible.
Quote: WizardI continue to get requests for advice on allegedly cheating boyfriends about once a week. Here is the latest one. [snip]
Since you get asked for so much advice, I wonder if you should start doing follow-ups and keeping statistics on recidivism rates, etc. You could then offer unique counsel to your lovelorn writers, providing them with the precise conditional probabilities their partners will stray based on historical data and their specific situations. You did say you were looking for new projects. (I'm mostly joking, but I bet a solid model for statistical relationship evaluation could be sold to a website like chemistry.com.)
Quote: AZDuffmanFollow the advice of the earlier poster-try to pick up a new guy at the computer or engeneering department. Smarter guys usually have interests outside getting as much action as possible.
Agreed 100%! Unfortunately, said guys are usually the ones women pay the least attention to. I speak with a fair bit of authority there.
Regarding those who disagree with my advice, I think you have to consider who was asking for it. As was noted already, she sounds like the type who likes bad boys, and anybody she finds attractive is likely to cheat on her anyway. Bad boys can afford to, because there will always be a hundred other girls who want them. I think the practical course of action is to accept a certain amount of it if the guy otherwise treats her well. Hopefully she will mature and develop better taste in men down the road.
About keeping statistics, I very seldom hear back when I answer, not even a thank you. I think a good litmus test for a good guy is how well he treats animals.
Quote: WizardAgreed 100%! Unfortunately, said guys are usually the ones women pay the least attention to. I speak with a fair bit of authority there.
Sadly as do I, and several other people here I would wager.
There used to be a website caller "girls with glasses" for guys who liked that Sarah-Palin look. Not porn or anything close to it, just regular women with glasses. Where are the women who like that in a guy?
Quote: AyecarumbaCheck out the prospects in the computer lab at the Engineering school.
She wants a lover, husband, and father of her children, not a companion to attend the Star Trek Convention with!
