Post your favorite Math, Science, Latin and SF jokes here.
February 9th, 2010 at 6:31:55 PM
permalink
I like swapping jokes, and I nkow a few of each, so:
"Did you hear about the phycisist who found the perfect way to cook a chicken? Unfortunately it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccum."
Professor Septimus enters the police station, looking battered and bruised.
"Officer," he tells the nearest cop, "I need to report a crime. I was assaulted by two hoodla."
Q: What's New?
A: e/h
Q: Why did the Minbari cross the road?
A: Understanding's not necessary, only obedience.
Q: How many Motie Engineers does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: While you were asking the question, she fixed the burnt out bulb and hooked it to the main cmputer, it now also makes julienne fries.
Q: How many Centauri does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: None. They like it with the Shadows.
DS9/B5 Crossover Scene 1:
Kira: Ambassador, what did you make of your encounter with the Prophets?
Kosh: Amateurs!
DS9/B5 Crossover Scene 2:
Sisko: Welcome to Deep Space Nine.
Sheridan: Nine1 Man! You people are freaking persistent!
More alter, mostly SF I admit.
"Did you hear about the phycisist who found the perfect way to cook a chicken? Unfortunately it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccum."
Professor Septimus enters the police station, looking battered and bruised.
"Officer," he tells the nearest cop, "I need to report a crime. I was assaulted by two hoodla."
Q: What's New?
A: e/h
Q: Why did the Minbari cross the road?
A: Understanding's not necessary, only obedience.
Q: How many Motie Engineers does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: While you were asking the question, she fixed the burnt out bulb and hooked it to the main cmputer, it now also makes julienne fries.
Q: How many Centauri does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: None. They like it with the Shadows.
DS9/B5 Crossover Scene 1:
Kira: Ambassador, what did you make of your encounter with the Prophets?
Kosh: Amateurs!
DS9/B5 Crossover Scene 2:
Sisko: Welcome to Deep Space Nine.
Sheridan: Nine1 Man! You people are freaking persistent!
More alter, mostly SF I admit.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
February 9th, 2010 at 6:39:35 PM
permalink
Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.
-------
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.
-------
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.
A falling knife has no handle.
February 10th, 2010 at 6:59:27 AM
permalink
Q: How do you measure the height of a building using a thermometer?
A: You find the building's architect and tell him "If you tell me how tall your building is, I'll give you this fine thermometer."
Q: Try again. This time you have to make use of the laws of physics.
A: Ok. I climb to the top of the building and let the thermometer fall to the sidewalk. I time the fall. Then since objects fall at a constant arate of 9.81 meters per second squared...
A: You find the building's architect and tell him "If you tell me how tall your building is, I'll give you this fine thermometer."
Q: Try again. This time you have to make use of the laws of physics.
A: Ok. I climb to the top of the building and let the thermometer fall to the sidewalk. I time the fall. Then since objects fall at a constant arate of 9.81 meters per second squared...
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
February 10th, 2010 at 7:39:10 AM
permalink
Math questions over the decades: [an old joke]. If you lived through "new math" you especially appreciate it I think.
1960s ... A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?
1970s New-math ... A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The
cardinality of Set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20
fewer points. What is the cardinality of Set P of profits?
1980s ... A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost is $80, her profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20.
1990s ... An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in
order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay on this: How did losing their homes make the forest animals feel?
edit: nothing has made me more cynical about education than to realize somebody was just out to dupe the public and sell textbooks with that New Math business. They couldnt possible really believe that to study "set math" was the answer to getting students to learn. No, just impossible, they couldnt really believe that!!
1960s ... A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?
1970s New-math ... A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The
cardinality of Set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20
fewer points. What is the cardinality of Set P of profits?
1980s ... A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost is $80, her profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20.
1990s ... An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in
order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay on this: How did losing their homes make the forest animals feel?
edit: nothing has made me more cynical about education than to realize somebody was just out to dupe the public and sell textbooks with that New Math business. They couldnt possible really believe that to study "set math" was the answer to getting students to learn. No, just impossible, they couldnt really believe that!!
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!” She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
February 10th, 2010 at 7:49:36 AM
permalink
A man flying a helicopter runs into a storm and is blown off course. He finds a large building and hovers next to it. People gather at the windows. The man asks them "Where am I?"
One of them asnwers, "You're in a helicopter."
"Great!" The man snaps "You're an engineer, right?"
"Right. How do you know?"
"You gave me an answer that is correct yet totally useless."
"I see. You're a manager, right?"
"Yes. How can you tell?"
"Well, you don't know where you are or how to find out, yet it's all my fault."
One of them asnwers, "You're in a helicopter."
"Great!" The man snaps "You're an engineer, right?"
"Right. How do you know?"
"You gave me an answer that is correct yet totally useless."
"I see. You're a manager, right?"
"Yes. How can you tell?"
"Well, you don't know where you are or how to find out, yet it's all my fault."
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
February 10th, 2010 at 8:17:15 AM
permalink
Quote: odiousgambit
edit: nothing has made me more cynical about education than to realize somebody was just out to dupe the public and sell textbooks with that New Math business. They couldnt possible really believe that to study "set math" was the answer to getting students to learn. No, just impossible, they couldnt really believe that!!
I grew up then (6th grade was '65 and '66). I liked the new math, especially the different bases; it was a revelation to understand that math worked the same way regardless of how you chose to display the numbers. A prime is a prime, regardless; that blew my mind. Numbers are completely free from the way we represent them.
I think it was an honest attempt to improve education (those were very idealistic times). Without question a failure, but I think they really believed it. I was lucky, I had some pretty good teachers back then. But I had a sister whose math teacher sent her to the principal because she challenged the teacher's assertion that 5 / 0 was 5.
A falling knife has no handle.
February 10th, 2010 at 8:21:10 AM
permalink
A little science, a little Latin, a little mythology and fiction:
REQUIRED TO PROVE THAT "BARNEY IS SATAN"
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan
Step 1: The Romans had no letter "U" so they used "V'' instead for printing.
Therefore, the Roman representation for Barney would be CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
Step 2: Taking CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, and extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
C V V L D I V
Step 3: The decimal equivalent of these Roman numerals would be:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
Step 4: Adding these numbers together would produce:
666
Step 5: 666 is the number of the beast
Therefore: Barney is Satan Q.E.D.
REQUIRED TO PROVE THAT "BARNEY IS SATAN"
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan
Step 1: The Romans had no letter "U" so they used "V'' instead for printing.
Therefore, the Roman representation for Barney would be CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
Step 2: Taking CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, and extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
C V V L D I V
Step 3: The decimal equivalent of these Roman numerals would be:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
Step 4: Adding these numbers together would produce:
666
Step 5: 666 is the number of the beast
Therefore: Barney is Satan Q.E.D.
A falling knife has no handle.
February 10th, 2010 at 8:29:53 AM
permalink
Quote: MoscaI grew up then (6th grade was '65 and '66). I liked the new math, especially the different bases; it was a revelation to understand that math worked the same way regardless of how you chose to display the numbers. A prime is a prime, regardless; that blew my mind. Numbers are completely free from the way we represent them.
Was representing things in different bases part of the New Math? Seems like that must have been already around.
My mind-blowing moment came when I got a slide rule.
Another cynical moment came when I realized "trigonometry" could more properly be called "triangles" and students wouldnt be so cowed by the name.
Another cynical moment came when I realized that you solve square root questions with logarithms, and that the other method they first taught was just a form of trial and error! (actually I don't think my teachers even realized it)
Quote: MoscaI think it was an honest attempt to improve education (those were very idealistic times). Without question a failure, but I think they really believed it. I was lucky, I had some pretty good teachers back then. ...
Say it *is* so! I really hope I can get rid of this cynicism that is haunting me to this day. Apologies if I get anything wrong, math came to a screeching halt for me due to only being able to get so far with it.
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!” She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
February 10th, 2010 at 9:00:10 AM
permalink
Keep in mind that I have no way of knowing what was taught before I went through school!
As I recall, New Math meant sets, bases, and diagrams; plotting equations on number lines and the Cartesian plane. And we learned logarithms pretty early. We still did the word problems, though.
None of the concepts were new, and a lot of it survived but with different emphasis. We got sets after having already learned our tables, so I remember it seemed pretty stupid and elemental.
Everything that I see here and on WOO I learned once, but it never really grabbed me as something more than an understanding. All I needed from it was to know that there was a rule that governed that particular way the world worked, I didn't have any urge to actually know the answer, and I'm not drawn to solve those types of puzzles (on the other hand, I love word puzzles; I could do cryptic crosswords every waking moment). I still love to read about mathematics and mathematicians.
New math wasn't worthless, but it wasn't useful, either. The lessons were valid. It was as a way of instruction that it wasn't useful. In looking around for a way to write it here, I found the perfect description at Cecil Adams' site. Students were taught set theory, that you add set A of 5 items to set B of 6 items to form the new set C of 11 items; thus you were supposed to draw the principle of addition. In reality, it is more effective to have arithmetic drilled into you, and from seeing the associations you draw the general theory.
In keeping with the topic, Cecil Adams gives this variation of odiousgambit's joke above:
1997 (Whole Math): By cutting down a forest full of beautiful trees, a logger makes $20.
(a) What do you think of this way of making money?
(b) How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?
(c) Draw a picture of the forest as you'd like it to look.
As I recall, New Math meant sets, bases, and diagrams; plotting equations on number lines and the Cartesian plane. And we learned logarithms pretty early. We still did the word problems, though.
None of the concepts were new, and a lot of it survived but with different emphasis. We got sets after having already learned our tables, so I remember it seemed pretty stupid and elemental.
Everything that I see here and on WOO I learned once, but it never really grabbed me as something more than an understanding. All I needed from it was to know that there was a rule that governed that particular way the world worked, I didn't have any urge to actually know the answer, and I'm not drawn to solve those types of puzzles (on the other hand, I love word puzzles; I could do cryptic crosswords every waking moment). I still love to read about mathematics and mathematicians.
New math wasn't worthless, but it wasn't useful, either. The lessons were valid. It was as a way of instruction that it wasn't useful. In looking around for a way to write it here, I found the perfect description at Cecil Adams' site. Students were taught set theory, that you add set A of 5 items to set B of 6 items to form the new set C of 11 items; thus you were supposed to draw the principle of addition. In reality, it is more effective to have arithmetic drilled into you, and from seeing the associations you draw the general theory.
In keeping with the topic, Cecil Adams gives this variation of odiousgambit's joke above:
1997 (Whole Math): By cutting down a forest full of beautiful trees, a logger makes $20.
(a) What do you think of this way of making money?
(b) How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?
(c) Draw a picture of the forest as you'd like it to look.
A falling knife has no handle.
February 10th, 2010 at 9:15:22 AM
permalink
Quote: Mosca1997 (Whole Math): By cutting down a forest full of beautiful trees, a logger makes $20.
(a) What do you think of this way of making money?
(b) How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?
(c) Draw a picture of the forest as you'd like it to look.
here's something I came across for the most modern times:
(insert cut down the forest bit) Run the FORESTRY program to determine the answer. For your essay, Google the subject and copy and paste the answer and present it as your own work.
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!” She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
February 10th, 2010 at 12:21:52 PM
permalink
Jesus spoke to his disciples:
"God's love is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
A new disciple was puzzled and asked Peter:
"What does he mean by that?"
Peter replied: "Oh - it's just another parabola."
"God's love is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
A new disciple was puzzled and asked Peter:
"What does he mean by that?"
Peter replied: "Oh - it's just another parabola."
February 10th, 2010 at 2:39:47 PM
permalink
For Mosca, you made me think of this one:
There are only 10 types of people in the world —
those who understand binary, and those who don't.
There are only 10 types of people in the world —
those who understand binary, and those who don't.
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!” She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
February 10th, 2010 at 7:34:14 PM
permalink
Basic Latin for beginners:
"Vini, vidi, visa," I came, I saw, I spent.
----------------
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: The logical number.
--------------
Q: How many outsiders does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: That information will cost you a trillion stars.
"Vini, vidi, visa," I came, I saw, I spent.
----------------
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: The logical number.
--------------
Q: How many outsiders does it take to screw-in a light bulb?
A: That information will cost you a trillion stars.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
February 11th, 2010 at 7:08:41 AM
permalink
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have a beer."
The second one says, "I'll have 1/2 a beer."
The third one says, "I'll have 1/4 a beer."
The fourth one says, "I'll have 1/8 a beer."
The bartender interrupts and says, "Hold it! You guys are a bunch of idiots," and he pours them 2 beers.
The first one says, "I'll have a beer."
The second one says, "I'll have 1/2 a beer."
The third one says, "I'll have 1/4 a beer."
The fourth one says, "I'll have 1/8 a beer."
The bartender interrupts and says, "Hold it! You guys are a bunch of idiots," and he pours them 2 beers.
-Dween!
February 11th, 2010 at 7:49:21 AM
permalink
The following jokes are pretty bad. I'll apologise now.
A Klingon, a Vulcan and a Borg all walk into Quark's together. Quark looks at them and says...
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Q:How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A: 3. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
---------------------------------------------------------
Luke Skywalker was fighting Darth Vader when Vader leans forward and says "I know what you have for Christmas". Luke ignores him and the fight continues. Vader says it again, Luke ignores him, He says it again, Luke has had enough, pushing Vader back he demands "how do you know what I have for Christmas" Vader advances on him and booms "I have felt your presents"
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross a Klingon?
A: A fight
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is duct tape like the Force?
A: Both have a light side and a dark side, and they hold the universe together.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the new uniform making machine on the Enterprise?
A: Piccard told Riker to "Make it sew, Number One."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead"
Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,
McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and
"Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",
Kirk to screw it in,
and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
Think Im about done.
A Klingon, a Vulcan and a Borg all walk into Quark's together. Quark looks at them and says...
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Q:How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A: 3. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
---------------------------------------------------------
Luke Skywalker was fighting Darth Vader when Vader leans forward and says "I know what you have for Christmas". Luke ignores him and the fight continues. Vader says it again, Luke ignores him, He says it again, Luke has had enough, pushing Vader back he demands "how do you know what I have for Christmas" Vader advances on him and booms "I have felt your presents"
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross a Klingon?
A: A fight
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is duct tape like the Force?
A: Both have a light side and a dark side, and they hold the universe together.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the new uniform making machine on the Enterprise?
A: Piccard told Riker to "Make it sew, Number One."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead"
Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,
McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and
"Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",
Kirk to screw it in,
and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
Think Im about done.
[This space is intentionally left blank]
February 11th, 2010 at 8:16:29 AM
permalink
There are 3 types of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can't.
------------------------------
A biologist, engineer, and mathematician are sitting on a park bench. As they watch, two people enter the building across the street, and a few minutes later, three people walk out.
The engineer says, "the initial measurement must have been inaccurate."
The biologist says, "the first two people must have reproduced while they were in there."
The mathematician says, "if one more person enters that building, it will be empty."
-------------------------------
------------------------------
A biologist, engineer, and mathematician are sitting on a park bench. As they watch, two people enter the building across the street, and a few minutes later, three people walk out.
The engineer says, "the initial measurement must have been inaccurate."
The biologist says, "the first two people must have reproduced while they were in there."
The mathematician says, "if one more person enters that building, it will be empty."
-------------------------------
February 11th, 2010 at 8:55:13 AM
permalink
An actuary is someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality for it.
----
Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
----
What is the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An introverted actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation, while an extroverted one stares at the other person's feet.
----
What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone? Popular.
----
Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
----
What is the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An introverted actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation, while an extroverted one stares at the other person's feet.
----
What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone? Popular.
February 11th, 2010 at 9:09:13 AM
permalink
Heisenberg is driving down the highway when a policeman pulls him over.
"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"No, officer," says Heisenberg, "but I can tell you exactly where I am."
"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"No, officer," says Heisenberg, "but I can tell you exactly where I am."
February 11th, 2010 at 9:49:33 AM
permalink
If a tree falls on an actuary in a forest, and there is no one to see them die, does the period life table get updated?
Wisdom is the quality that keeps you out of situations where you would otherwise need it
February 11th, 2010 at 10:35:05 AM
permalink
There was a cartoon, I think in the New Yorker, of a pretty woman breaking up with a nerdy looking man. The woman says, "It isn't that I find actuarial science boring, it is that I find you boring."
----
An accountant, a mathematician, and an actuary interview for a job. The interviewer calls them into his office one at a time, and asks each of them, "What is 1+1 equal to?"
The accountant said "2."
The mathematician spent 30 minutes speaking in great detail about Peano's axioms and what not, proving why 1+1=2.
Finally the actuary is called in, and he answers, "What do you want it to equal to?"
----
Regarding the earlier height of the building joke, I think it was supposed to be a barometer, not a thermometer.
----
An accountant, a mathematician, and an actuary interview for a job. The interviewer calls them into his office one at a time, and asks each of them, "What is 1+1 equal to?"
The accountant said "2."
The mathematician spent 30 minutes speaking in great detail about Peano's axioms and what not, proving why 1+1=2.
Finally the actuary is called in, and he answers, "What do you want it to equal to?"
----
Regarding the earlier height of the building joke, I think it was supposed to be a barometer, not a thermometer.
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow." -- Ecclesiastes 1:18 (NIV)
February 11th, 2010 at 11:43:21 AM
permalink
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding together in a car. Right at the top of a big hill, the brakes fail.
The mechanical engineer, who is driving, does a masterful job of controlling the vehichle, and manages to bring the car to a stop against the curb at the bottom of the hill.
The three get out of the car and sit on the sidewalk for a bit, catching their breath. Finally, the mechanical engineer says "I think I see a puddle under the car. This was probably caused by a leak in the power brake hydraulic system, I can probably patch it up quickly, we'll get some more fluid in it, and we can be on our way again."
The electrical engineer says "I'm pretty sure I smelled ozone while we were careening down the hill--my guess is there's a short in the electrical system and that's what caused the failure. I'll take a look at that and see if I can get us back on the road."
The computer engineer says "Whoa, guys, guys. Aren't we being a bit hasty here? We haven't even replicated the problem yet--let's get back in the car, take it back to the top of the hill, and see if it happens again!"
The mechanical engineer, who is driving, does a masterful job of controlling the vehichle, and manages to bring the car to a stop against the curb at the bottom of the hill.
The three get out of the car and sit on the sidewalk for a bit, catching their breath. Finally, the mechanical engineer says "I think I see a puddle under the car. This was probably caused by a leak in the power brake hydraulic system, I can probably patch it up quickly, we'll get some more fluid in it, and we can be on our way again."
The electrical engineer says "I'm pretty sure I smelled ozone while we were careening down the hill--my guess is there's a short in the electrical system and that's what caused the failure. I'll take a look at that and see if I can get us back on the road."
The computer engineer says "Whoa, guys, guys. Aren't we being a bit hasty here? We haven't even replicated the problem yet--let's get back in the car, take it back to the top of the hill, and see if it happens again!"
February 11th, 2010 at 12:50:37 PM
permalink
A farmer is standing in his field talking to his neighbor over the fence. The neighbor asks how his son is doing in college. The farmer says his son is "lernin' algebree" and calls him over.
He tells his son, "Say something in algebree to the neighbor, son." The son replies, "Pi R squared."
The farmer slaps the kid across the face and he falls to the ground. Rubbing his sore cheek, the son asks, "Paw, what did ya do that fer?" The farmer responds, "cuz I spend all kinds of money sendin' you to college to get an education and you come home and say somethin' stupid like Pi R square. Everybody knows, pie are round, cornbread are square."
He tells his son, "Say something in algebree to the neighbor, son." The son replies, "Pi R squared."
The farmer slaps the kid across the face and he falls to the ground. Rubbing his sore cheek, the son asks, "Paw, what did ya do that fer?" The farmer responds, "cuz I spend all kinds of money sendin' you to college to get an education and you come home and say somethin' stupid like Pi R square. Everybody knows, pie are round, cornbread are square."
February 11th, 2010 at 1:41:38 PM
permalink
There is a hose, a fire hydrant, and a house on fire. To put out the fire, a physicist would attach the hose to the hydrant and spray the house with water.
There is a hose, a fire hydrant, and a house not on fire. A mathematician would set the house on fire, thereby reducing it to the previous problem.
There is a hose, a fire hydrant, and a house not on fire. A mathematician would set the house on fire, thereby reducing it to the previous problem.
February 11th, 2010 at 2:48:23 PM
permalink
Quote: WizardRegarding the earlier height of the building joke, I think it was supposed to be a barometer, not a thermometer.
Entirely so. It even makes more sense. But I wasn't sure about the spelling of barometer.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
February 11th, 2010 at 4:31:14 PM
permalink
Quote: CroupierThe following jokes are pretty bad. I'll apologise now.
A Klingon, a Vulcan and a Borg all walk into Quark's together. Quark looks at them and says...
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
My good man, that one is priceless. I can totally picture Quark saying just that :)
BTW:
Batman talking to the Joker: "A man walks into a bar. He says 'ouch!' "
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
February 11th, 2010 at 5:58:57 PM
permalink
A mathematician is flying non-stop from London to Las Vegas with American Airlines.. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Stormtroopers walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinise restaurant and Luke's having trouble.
Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Stormtroopers walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinise restaurant and Luke's having trouble.
Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[This space is intentionally left blank]
February 11th, 2010 at 6:35:57 PM
permalink
Big party; every possible function is having fun, chatting and drinking
this evening.
In an n-dimensional corner e^x stands bitter and alone. Near the lonely
one there's a small group of exponential functions, and 2^x within them
turns to see e^x on it's corner.
"Hey, e^x, come-on, integrate yourself" Said 2^x pointing to the group.
"What for," whispers e^x, "it makes no difference."
(I'll admit to going out and searching for a good math joke. And, I did have to go look up what made it funny.)
this evening.
In an n-dimensional corner e^x stands bitter and alone. Near the lonely
one there's a small group of exponential functions, and 2^x within them
turns to see e^x on it's corner.
"Hey, e^x, come-on, integrate yourself" Said 2^x pointing to the group.
"What for," whispers e^x, "it makes no difference."
(I'll admit to going out and searching for a good math joke. And, I did have to go look up what made it funny.)
A falling knife has no handle.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:40:48 PM
permalink
Quote: Croupier...
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
I've always known this punchline as 'if the last engine breaks down, we'll be up here for *bleep*ing ever!"
Wisdom is the quality that keeps you out of situations where you would otherwise need it
February 11th, 2010 at 6:42:43 PM
permalink
Mathemeticians are REALLY out there...
Q - do you know a good anagram of "banach-tarski" ?
A - banach-tarski banach-tarski
(From Wiki, "The Banach–Tarski paradox is a theorem in set theoretic geometry which states that a solid ball in 3-dimensional space can be split into a finite number of non-overlapping pieces, which can then be put back together in a different way to yield two identical copies of the original ball. The reassembly process involves only moving the pieces around and rotating them, without changing their shape. However, the pieces themselves are complicated: they are not usual solids but infinite scatterings of points. A stronger form of the theorem implies that given any two "reasonable" objects (such as a small ball and a huge ball), either one can be reassembled into the other. This is often stated colloquially as 'a pea can be chopped up and reassembled into the Sun'.")
(Same disclaimer, and I think this is pretty funny, too.)
Q - do you know a good anagram of "banach-tarski" ?
A - banach-tarski banach-tarski
(From Wiki, "The Banach–Tarski paradox is a theorem in set theoretic geometry which states that a solid ball in 3-dimensional space can be split into a finite number of non-overlapping pieces, which can then be put back together in a different way to yield two identical copies of the original ball. The reassembly process involves only moving the pieces around and rotating them, without changing their shape. However, the pieces themselves are complicated: they are not usual solids but infinite scatterings of points. A stronger form of the theorem implies that given any two "reasonable" objects (such as a small ball and a huge ball), either one can be reassembled into the other. This is often stated colloquially as 'a pea can be chopped up and reassembled into the Sun'.")
(Same disclaimer, and I think this is pretty funny, too.)
A falling knife has no handle.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:52:35 PM
permalink
Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar. The bar tender looked up and asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes?" Descartes replied "I think not"... and promptly disappeared.
A falling knife has no handle.
February 12th, 2010 at 4:43:55 PM
permalink
Here's my best Babylon 5 joke:
One fine day millions of years ago, Ulkesh Naranek placed an urgent call to his colleague Kosh Naranek. alas, in his un-Vorlonlike rush he misdialed. The call went to Z'Ha'Dum where it woke up a Shadow from a twelve hundred year nap.
Ulkesh asked, suspiciously, "Who are you?" at the same time the Shadow, in annoyance, asked "What do you want?"
It all went downhill from there.
One fine day millions of years ago, Ulkesh Naranek placed an urgent call to his colleague Kosh Naranek. alas, in his un-Vorlonlike rush he misdialed. The call went to Z'Ha'Dum where it woke up a Shadow from a twelve hundred year nap.
Ulkesh asked, suspiciously, "Who are you?" at the same time the Shadow, in annoyance, asked "What do you want?"
It all went downhill from there.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
February 15th, 2010 at 11:52:17 AM
permalink
I heard Johnny Carson tell this one:
Q: Is there a number larger than infinity?
A: Yes. Infinity plus shipping and handling.
--------
here's a riddle:
What is greater than infinity? The poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you die.
Q: Is there a number larger than infinity?
A: Yes. Infinity plus shipping and handling.
--------
here's a riddle:
What is greater than infinity? The poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you die.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
February 15th, 2010 at 11:53:16 AM
permalink
Quote: Nareed
--------
here's a riddle:
What is greater than infinity? The poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you die.
Nothing
[This space is intentionally left blank]
March 13th, 2010 at 9:27:59 AM
permalink
To those of you in the forum who speak Spanish, I recommend a song called "Thales' Theorem" (Teorema de Tales) by the Argentine comedy music group Les Luthiers. I recommend their entire repertoire, of course, but the Thales song is about the theorem, so it fits in this category
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
March 13th, 2010 at 10:01:55 AM
permalink
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
'How much?' he asks.
'For you,' the bartender replies, 'no charge.'
One hydrogen atom turned to another and said,
'I think I just lost an electron.'
'Are you sure?'
'I am positive!'
'How much?' he asks.
'For you,' the bartender replies, 'no charge.'
One hydrogen atom turned to another and said,
'I think I just lost an electron.'
'Are you sure?'
'I am positive!'
Solo venimos, solo nos vamos. Y aqui nos juntamos, juntos que estamos.
March 13th, 2010 at 11:21:48 AM
permalink
The Simpsons 102 "Bart the Genius" Bart swaps IQ tests with Martin, and ends at a school for gifted kids.
The teacher tells the kids to take the derivative of r^3/3 and they will get a "pleasant surprise". All the kids laugh except Bart who asks to have to explained. The teacher says the derivative is r^2 dr or r*dr*r or pronounced "har de har har". Bart does his trademark groan.
Not the funniest joke, but kudos to Matt Groening for using a calculus joke in a brand new television series, It was that out of the box thinking that helped him create an institution. A typical sitcom would be almost painful when they try to portray a stupid person. Considering the level of the audience they usually have to shoot so low that that a mushroom would get the point. Instead Bart misses a joke that virtually nobody in the audience can get, and very few understand the explanation.
The teacher tells the kids to take the derivative of r^3/3 and they will get a "pleasant surprise". All the kids laugh except Bart who asks to have to explained. The teacher says the derivative is r^2 dr or r*dr*r or pronounced "har de har har". Bart does his trademark groan.
Not the funniest joke, but kudos to Matt Groening for using a calculus joke in a brand new television series, It was that out of the box thinking that helped him create an institution. A typical sitcom would be almost painful when they try to portray a stupid person. Considering the level of the audience they usually have to shoot so low that that a mushroom would get the point. Instead Bart misses a joke that virtually nobody in the audience can get, and very few understand the explanation.
April 29th, 2010 at 6:29:58 AM
permalink
Heard a new one:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Told by a drunken Dr. Sheldon Cooper in "The Big Bang Theory."
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Told by a drunken Dr. Sheldon Cooper in "The Big Bang Theory."
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
April 29th, 2010 at 6:44:04 AM
permalink
There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.
q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?
A: It's referred to as the log scale.
Try this simple test: flip a coin, over and over again, calling out "Heads" or "Tails" after each flip. Half the time people will askyou to please stop.
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?
A: It's referred to as the log scale.
Try this simple test: flip a coin, over and over again, calling out "Heads" or "Tails" after each flip. Half the time people will askyou to please stop.
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
[This space is intentionally left blank]
April 29th, 2010 at 6:48:26 AM
permalink
Just remembered another from Big Bang Theory:
Leonard: At least I don't have to invent aditional dimensions to make my theory work!
Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? In what universe?
Sheldon: In _all_ of them. That's the point!
And an old Star Trek tagline from the bygone days of dial-up BBSes:
"Mr. Worf, Fire at will!"
"Hey, what happened to Riker?"
Leonard: At least I don't have to invent aditional dimensions to make my theory work!
Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.
Leonard: Oh, yeah? In what universe?
Sheldon: In _all_ of them. That's the point!
And an old Star Trek tagline from the bygone days of dial-up BBSes:
"Mr. Worf, Fire at will!"
"Hey, what happened to Riker?"
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
April 30th, 2010 at 5:15:55 AM
permalink
{img=http://i.imgur.com/tSuG0.jpg} use square brackets
April 30th, 2010 at 5:45:23 AM
permalink
thanks Paco! now I know.
[This space is intentionally left blank]
April 30th, 2010 at 7:11:18 AM
permalink
Quote: Croupierthanks Paco! now I know.
And knowing is half the battle.
-Dween!
August 16th, 2010 at 11:07:59 AM
permalink
Not quite math jokes, but worth noting:
In Futurama the characters often watch SQR(2) (square root of two) channel
In some Simpsons Halloween specials, the credits have freaky names like Bat Groening instead of Matt Groening. One writer once or twice put in his name in the credits as "square root of minus two."
In Futurama the characters often watch SQR(2) (square root of two) channel
In some Simpsons Halloween specials, the credits have freaky names like Bat Groening instead of Matt Groening. One writer once or twice put in his name in the credits as "square root of minus two."
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
