Reintroduction

As promised, here it is.

I've thought a lot about how to present this subject, and I decided that a brief overview would be best. So I'll spare you a lot of tedious stories about what I've done and when, and how and why, and cut to the heart of the matter.

In this post, about halfway down the thread, I explained the basics of TG. Looking back I have always felt dissatisfied with my birth sex from a very early age, but not strongly so. It's not a pleasant feeling to have, and I did what I could to repress it. As a child I got along better with girls than with boys. When playing with boys I didn't fit in too well. I would insist in making up stories involving whatever toys we used, and forget doing most anything that could get me dirty.

Anyway, as I grew up I progressed in expressing and finding my gender identity. This started with surreptitiously borrowing my mom's clothes when my parents went away. By my teens I would spend whatever weekend nights I had in my mom's closet, when they traveled (which they did often), and would wear her clothes and borrow her makeup. As far as I know she never found out or suspected anything.

Growing up I started buying my own women's clothes and makeup which I'd wear on weekend nights (lots of sleepless weekend night, BTW). Eventually I contacted others and managed a few outings "en femme" (this is an oft used term meaning "as a woman;" expect to see it often).

And then I stopped.

That was the limit of what I could do at the time, late 90s, given my circumstances and personality. In other words, whatever additional progress I could make I was too afraid and/or apprehensive to try.

I make the progression seem too linear. it wasn't. There were ups and downs, many bouts of repression and trying to quit it and be a man, all unsuccessful.

Another thing's that relevant is my weight. I've always eaten too much and exercised too little, except for a period in the 90s when I slimmed down, worked out and had a reasonable figure. That was when I was most active in exploring my identity as a woman.

When I stopped, I decided I could stick to weekends and the occasional outing when there was an opportunity. But progress is a funny thing. If you don't move forward you move back. Weekends by myself were not enough anymore. So I repressed, rather subconsciously, again, and tried to make myself believe I could just be en femme from time to time and otherwise be reasonably happy.

Until a few weeks ago it seemed that way. Except I now see that period as extremely self-destructive. I stayed at a dead-end job with my dad for too long, I gained a LOT of weight, and even my writing suffered. I would think of interesting stories, but could not get interested enough in them.

Then I came up with a story idea recently involving a pre-operative transsexual woman (TS for short). I've talked a bit about it here. I developed the story with amazing facility on a long drive one day (and now comes the hard part, but I digress). I was amazed at how easily I came up with an outline, and by how strong the desire to write it was.

But that was just the beginning. I started thinking of other stories involving transsexual women. Some had been rattling around my head for years, others were brand new. Thus far I'm up to 5. The latest one woke me up in a manner of speaking.

It's a sci-fi story involving a romance between Althea, a transsexual woman, and Nathan, a straight man (of course they're more than that, but for this discussion that's what matters). As I developed Althea's character, I realized she was a lot like me when I'm happy. This led me to realize I'd put a lot of myself into the other TS characters as well. That was why I could develop these stories so easily and so effectively.

And that’s when I realized two other things: 1) my life was happiest when I was able to dress and act like a woman relatively often, or when I was making progress towards that goal; 2) my life has been rather depressing since I backslided from that progress.

So I tried making a bit of progress in that direction. The result was amazing. I’ve been able to stick to a diet consistently and without any trouble, I’ve been sleeping better, I’ve improved at work so even my boss noticed, and I’m feeling happy again.

To be sure I’m mostly taking baby steps for now and taking my own sweet time. But it is progress, and for once I’m sure about what I need and what I want: to be a woman.

There are tons of obstacles and I’ve no idea how I’ll get past them. As in writing, though, I’ve found that in life knowing what the destination is helps you to get there (I don’t think that last made sense).

As it happens Vegas will have something to do with this. I’ll post on that later.

Finally, as I’ve stated before Nareed is a woman’s name (I made it up for a story called “Lights of the Republic,” and yes it has a TS in it). I would appreciate if you’d all respect that and refer to me as a woman. I don’t want to reveal my actual name because I’ll be using it elsewhere, but if you identify “Nareed” as male because of my past postings (no pun intended), you may think of me as Kathy.

Thanks for reading this far. Questions in good faith are welcomed and I will answer them as best I can.

Whatever it takes to be comfortable in ones skin is the most important thing. Then can you start to honestly relate to others.
I hope this ends in nothing but happiness.

LOL I worked in HR too long. I never assume gender. A candidate could be in the middle of an interview when their water breaks and I am so ingrained that perhaps at that point I would notice they were a woman.

Quote: Wavy70

Whatever it takes to be comfortable in ones skin is the most important thing. Then can you start to honestly relate to others.
I hope this ends in nothing but happiness.

Thank you.

Quote: Wavy70

LOL I worked in HR too long. I never assume gender. A candidate could be in the middle of an interview when their water breaks and I am so ingrained that perhaps at that point I would notice they were a woman.

Not that the ability to bear children is the litmus test as to a woman. HR at work again.


Many cultures have had a long history of TS/TG individuals. Often it was not astigmatism but seen of more as a gift.
Many of the Indigenous American tribes have what is called a "Two Spirit" identity. Often these people were looked upon as the seer's and sages of the tribes.

Quote: Nareed

As I developed Althea's character, I realized she was a lot like me when I'm happy. This led me to realize I'd put a lot of myself into the other TS characters as well. That was why I could develop these stories so easily and so effectively.

The best authors write about topics that they know about and/or are passionate about. Maybe you should look a little closer at what you've written. There could be some good sub-concious stuff on those pages. You may learn more about yourself that way.

Quote: Nareed

Finally, as I’ve stated before Nareed is a woman’s name (I made it up for a story called “Lights of the Republic,” and yes it has a TS in it). I would appreciate if you’d all respect that and refer to me as a woman. I don’t want to reveal my actual name because I’ll be using it elsewhere, but if you identify “Nareed” as male....

Both here and in the real world, people who do not know you may still refer to you and/or think of you as male. It's just the way it is and has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personal. It's kinda like tossing chips on a craps table "for the boys" even if the all the dealers are women. They may say something, but in a good-natured, shrug-it-off sort of way.

Quote: Nareed

As in writing, though, I’ve found that in life knowing what the destination is helps you to get there (I don’t think that last made sense).

Actually, that makes a LOT of sense.

Good luck on your continued journey.

Quote: DJTeddyBear

The best authors write about topics that they know about and/or are passionate about. Maybe you should look a little closer at what you've written. There could be some good sub-concious stuff on those pages. You may learn more about yourself that way.

I have :) For instance, one of my notes on Michelle for another story says "She's polite and friendly to others, but not open. She avoids losing friends by the simple expedient of not having any friends to lose." That is me down to a "t". The diference being Michelle didn't let her fear of loss and rejection stop her, while I did. In many ways these characters are idealized versions of myself, at least in certain aspects. That's fine, as far as writing goes, because art portrays things and people as they ought to be, not as they are. And if setting it down on paper helps me, so much the better.

Little digression: Althea is so much like me she practically writes herself; I just type. On another story the TS character wants very badly to have children, while I am terrified at the mere prospect of dealing with children. So she's proving very hard to write for. And I can't change that because the emotional climax of the story is related to her desire.

Quote:

Both here and in the real world, people who do not know you may still refer to you and/or think of you as male. It's just the way it is and has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personal. It's kinda like tossing chips on a craps table "for the boys" even if the all the dealers are women. They may say something, but in a good-natured, shrug-it-off sort of way.

I know that. I don't expect random strangers on the street to think of me as a woman, not the way I look right now. Although it has hapepned and sometimes even when I wasn't trying. Of course back then I had shoulder-lenght hair.

It gets bad when people make it a point to refer to me as male. At that English is a more gender-neutral language than Spanish. Why? In one word: "it." Nouns are gender neutral. So when saying friend, poster, teacher, acquaintance, player, gambler, etc etc you don't make a reference to gender. In Spanish nouns come in male and female form. For example "amigo" is used for male friends and "amiga" for female ones.

Quote:

Good luck on your continued journey.

Thank you!

Quote: Wavy70

Not that the ability to bear children is the litmus test as to a woman. HR at work again.

It's a good kind of example the way you used it. Men don't go into labor, so a candidate doing so is ipso facto female.

Quote:

Many cultures have had a long history of TS/TG individuals. Often it was not astigmatism but seen of more as a gift.
Many of the Indigenous American tribes have what is called a "Two Spirit" identity. Often these people were looked upon as the seer's and sages of the tribes.

And I often wonder what kind of pressure they were under, too.

Gender roles and rules can be funny in our cukture, too. For instance the ban on having women on the stage in Shakespeare's time, led to male actors playing women's roles. A rich gentleman from the late 1600s or early 1700s woudl be seen as dressing effeminately now.

Quote: DJTeddyBear

Actually, that makes a LOT of sense.

I've thought about it. As a writer I'm firmly of the Asimov school of style: write clearly. Chalk it up to work, as I usually do, and late night postings. What I meant was:

As in writing, though, I've found that in life knowing your destination helps you find the means to get there.

Much better. Hopefully that's what you understood anyway.

Quote: Nareed

As in writing, though, I've found that in life knowing your destination helps you find the means to get there.

"If you don't know where you're going, you might not get there."
-- Yogi Berra

Quote: MathExtremist

"If you don't know where you're going, you might not get there."
-- Yogi Berra

"I’m smarter than the average bear"--Yogi Bear to Boo Boo

I want to add a little bit about my sexuality.

First I do find other women attractive, but not in what would be considered a sexual way. I've never been aroused just by looking at a woman, no matter how alluringly she be dressed (or for that matter undressed). I think the word that would best describe my attraction is "aesthetic." This doesn't count the time I spend looking at other women's outfits, accesories, shoes, makeup and hairstyle, BTW. I can get aroused by imagining myself cuddling with a woman. I very rarely experience any other sort of sexual desire involving women, either.

I've had sex with a few women. The experiences were pleasant, but not satisfying (either for me or for them).

Men, now I don't find attractive at all. Yet when I imagine sex it's always with a man, and such fantasies get me much more aroused than anything I can picture with women. I've had sex with men, too. I found those experiences much more satisfying. I know the two men I've slept with always left my bed fully satisfied, even though I didn't allow them intercourse (long story). What I enjoyed most and what gave me the most pelasure was finding ways to please them in bed. Fortunately I get very creative. It helped, too, that I was the woman in those relationships.

So that leaves me with the question: how do I judge men? What kind of man do I want?

I mostly go by personality, since looks do nothing for me. Yet I do take some physical aspects into consideration. All other things being equal, I'd rather have a slim or fit man than an overweight one. And I absolutely loathe facial hair. Persoanlity still matters most. I like a man who's nice to me and attentive, one whom I can talk to about many diferent subjects, and of course one who's not troubled by who and what I am; which isn't so easy to find as you might have guessed. Overall I want a man I can look up to.

I'd say all this makes me mostly straight (!) with some bisexual tendencies.

well, that does it, I think, I've reintroduced myself. Now to get this section started :)

When I lived in Oaxaca the Zapotec on the isthmus respected a people they call Muxes. Supposedly there is a homosexual in every family and Muxes think of themselves as a lucky, chosen people.

They are an accepted part of the culture. According to a documentary that I saw about 5 years ago, Local religious lore has it that the patron saint of the town carried his muxes in a bag, which broke when he arrived to Juchitan. A more plausible explanation is simply that the Zapoteca culture is matriarchal, and that, traditionally, Zapotec children are neither addressed by or treated as having a specific gender until the age of four.