Would you get a divorce?
So he was not willing to give up casinos,instead he got a divorce.
What would you do in this situation?
If I was in Bobs situation, I would have done the same. As for my own situation....my casino days would be over. However I live in Canada and casinos are all NO smoking here, so this would not be an issue
To answer the question, I support and agree with his decision. As he wrote, without dancing or video poker there wasn't much basis to the marriage left. Bob was willing to go to great lengths to keep casino smoke out of the house, but Shirley said no amount of showering could eliminate the smoke from his pours.
I used to believe that marriage should last until death. However, now I adhere to the Dear Abby standard of asking yourself if you're better off in the marriage or not.
I wish both Bob and Shirley all the best in their new lives.
Divorce her.
Then again, I AM a divorce lawyer.
However, I agree with the Wiz, each of them needs to
have a chance to be happy again, so if they aren't happy
together, it makes sense (however painful) to move on.
Quote: HunterhillJust read the latest Bob Dancer article,basically his wife has copd and could not tolerate any smoke and even after he showered ,said he still smelled like smoke.
So he was not willing to give up casinos,instead he got a divorce.
What would you do in this situation?
Its different in a marriage than in an employment situation.
Some taxi or bus drivers really suffered but had no choice back in the old days. Their wives suffered too but that was a separate matter. The trouble with these perfumes and other odors triggering reactions is that in many situations it is a learned behavior of classical conditioning. UPS puts up with the situation in one Texas town where dozens of these people live by having a regular driver who uses no perfumes or deodorants of any sort and has been given permission to wash his uniform and truck in plain water.
Some employees sue over workplace odors ... but for many it seems its conditioning. They like getting special treatment and consideration and their symptoms get worse with more odor detection. Some doctors fall for it but scientists are more and more skeptical due to the "secondary gain" many sufferers get of special accommodations, newsletters, odor free parties, etc.
I don't care for cigarette smoke at all but if some eighteen year old nudist girl who is also a chef shows up at my place and wants free rent... she is getting it no matter if she is a chain smoker! We all choose how much we suffer in life.
Quote: FleaStiff
Some employees sue over workplace odors ... but for many it seems its conditioning. They like getting special treatment and consideration and their symptoms get worse with more odor detection. Some doctors fall for it but scientists are more and more skeptical due to the "secondary gain" many sufferers get of special accommodations, newsletters, odor free parties, etc.
It is often a shakedown. I used to be in pest control and in some offices people didn't want "that stuff" sprayed around them. Generally speaking the less "blue collar" the industry the more they complained. In the more blue collar places we sometimes got requests for a double-shot of whatever we were using!
Anyways, at one place some women complained about the odor. There was no odor in most things, but we got some complaints. So with the customer's consent the tech was told to treat the place with plain water. Sure enough the women complained. They were told the management was on to their game.
Quote: HunterhillJust read the latest Bob Dancer article,basically his wife has copd and could not tolerate any smoke and even after he showered ,said he still smelled like smoke.
So he was not willing to give up casinos,instead he got a divorce.
What would you do in this situation?
Does anybody in this forum actually believe that the divorce was due to Bob Dancer smoking?
Quote: WizardTo answer the question, I support and agree with his decision. As he wrote, without dancing or video poker there wasn't much basis to the marriage left. Bob was willing to go to great lengths to keep casino smoke out of the house, but Shirley said no amount of showering could eliminate the smoke from his pores.
I used to believe that marriage should last until death. However, now I adhere to the Dear Abby standard of asking yourself if you're better off in the marriage or not.
I don't believe in the Dear Abby standard. When you enter into marriage, it's a contract that should be for life. That raises the standard of "happier in the marriage or not". You should know before the marriage whether it will sustain the test of time and indeed the courting period should be for making a basis for that decision.
Of course there are events that destroy a marriage. But I don't consider a partner's sickness to be one of them. In any case, I'm a strong advocate of trying to work out a marriage using any means necessary rather than the alternative.
But that's just me.
Quote: stoneynvI don't know of this Bob Dancer guy, but nobody in their right mind can believe the divorce is a result of his smoking? The old hag was sick of him and he had a hole for her in the desert. This Bob Dancer dude is never going to give up gambling for some old bag.
That's completely disrespectful to Mrs. Dancer, keep that up and I'll have a hole for you on the Suspension list.
Quote: Mission146That's completely disrespectful to Mrs. Dancer, keep that up and I'll have a hole for you on the Suspension list.
Absolutely right! If Bob were a forum member you would be nuked for that. Bob Dancer is a friend of mine and that fact should be obvious since I did a radio show with him for a year. I'm going to abide by my own rules and not issue a suspension, but I invite stoneynv to either apologize or leave the site voluntarily.
Quote: Mission146That's completely disrespectful to Mrs. Dancer, keep that up and I'll have a hole for you on the Suspension list.
Sorry, Mrs. Dancer. My bad. I hope Mrs. Dancer finds a nice Ballroom dancer that doesn't smoke. Surely Dancer Bob is familiar with Chantix. A simple prescription could have saved their wonderful marriage.
I don`t believe that Bob was a smoker ,it was from the smoke in the casinos.I think I would have found an alternative solution,but to each their own.Quote: stoneynvI don't know of this Bob Dancer guy, but nobody in their right mind can believe the divorce is a result of his smoking? The old hag was sick of him and he had a hole for her in the desert. This Bob Dancer dude is never going to give up gambling for some old bag.
Not defending your comments or condoning them. I just want to point out CHANTIX cant get CASINO smoke out. Nobody said BOB smokes.Quote: stoneynvSorry, Mrs. Dancer. My bad. I hope Mrs. Dancer finds a nice Ballroom dancer that doesn't smoke. Surely Dancer Bob is familiar with Chantix. A simple prescription could have saved their wonderful marriage.
Quote: WizardAbsolutely right! If Bob were a forum member you would be nuked for that. Bob Dancer is a friend of mine and that fact should be obvious since I did a radio show with him for a year. I'm going to abide by my own rules and not issue a suspension, but I invite stoneynv to either apologize or leave the site voluntarily.
It's sad when couples get divorced. It's hard for me to believe that the "he smells like smoke" took down the marriage. A simple observation with no disrespect intended.......life happens.
Quote: stoneynvIt's sad when couples get divorced. It's hard for me to believe that the "he smells like smoke" took down the marriage. A simple observation with no disrespect intended.......life happens.
She has a condition that makes any trace of cigarette smoke unbearable. It's probably gotten worse over the years and at the point where they couldn't be together without posing a major health risk. Let's not judge people without knowing all the facts.
Quote: djatcShe has a condition that makes any trace of cigarette smoke unbearable. It's probably gotten worse over the years and at the point where they couldn't be together without posing a major health risk. Let's not judge people without knowing all the facts.
Well I had no idea, thank god they got divorced.
For Bob Dancer (who I do not know) it would appear that his career and/or livelihood is tied to casinos. That adds a vital consideration to the question.Quote: HunterhillSo he was not willing to give up casinos, instead he got a divorce.
What would you do in this situation?
You pose this question as though Bob's wife presented him with an ultimatum (which may or may not be the whole story). The fact that this situation was brought about as the result of a medical condition of Bob's wife (the severity of which we are in no position to judge) makes this an even more difficult question.
In a general sense--without regard to casinos and without regard to medical issues--if other aspects of the marriage and relationship are sound and good, then I would submit that one spouse would agree to give up his chosen vocation and/or diversion to preserve the marriage while the other spouse--in recognition as to how important that vocation or diversion is to the other--would not ask him/her to give it up.
But this is an idyllic scenario--perhaps something out of a romantic Nicholas Sparks novel wherein "love conquers all" and the couple live happily ever after. And where there is no lingering resentment by the one who gave up that which interested him because his spouse demanded it.
Real life is much more complicated.
And it is for this reason we are in no position to judge.
Quote: onenickelmiracleNo. They're too damn old to get divorced and it's dastardly!
"Too old?"
Really?!
Gotta tell ya a war story.
An old duffer comes in for a divorce, all indignant and aching to tell me why.
"You want to know what my wife did? You want to know why I need a divorce? THAT BITCH HID MY VIAGRA!"
Quote: MrV"Too old?"
Really?!
Gotta tell ya a war story.
An old duffer comes in for a divorce, all indignant and aching to tell me why.
"You want to know what my wife did? You want to know why I need a divorce? THAT BITCH HID MY VIAGRA!"
lol
~DIGGS HOLE DEEPER~ Sometimes a "I'm sorry" PERIOD, works.Quote: stoneynvthank god they got divorced.
When I first heard his wife would or could not go into the casino because of smoke I thought how dramatic Then I though that's
-EV no extra bounce back or drawing tickets. (not knowing heath was involved) Then I thought, I hope she will be ok otherwise
I have to believe this. Certainly is not the ONLY reason for their divorce. Perhaps a long ongoing fight about this has caused other issues. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back. Perhaps there are some legal reasons & this was the best case over irreconcilable differences. I wonder if someone could sue a casino or tobacco company for breaking up their marriage due to 2nd hand smoke?
I asked my long time GF of 13 years (not married for various good reasons) "what she thought about if this happened to us" she asked, if she was free to date a successful DI. I said, "no that's impossible there is no such thing as a SUCCESSFUL DI."
now with her hopes and dreams crushed she SERIOUSLY said, she would gladly stay married and live in a house next door.
Quote: boymimboI don't believe in the Dear Abby standard. When you enter into marriage, it's a contract that should be for life. That raises the standard of "happier in the marriage or not". You should know before the marriage whether it will sustain the test of time and indeed the courting period should be for making a basis for that decision.
The whole concept of marriage has changed over the years. In the pre-early 1900s marriage was about survival. To work a farm without being married would be impossible. On the US frontier to be a single man was to be a prospector, bandit, or some other kind of drifter. To be a single woman was to be a schoolmarm or whore. Marriage was the only way to be stable.
By the 1950s marriage in the USA was still the only way to be "normal." I forget the stat, but then married people were something like 95%+ of the adult population. At that level you get to the point where the only unmarried people get to be un-or-near un-marriage-worthy people like priests and those who have careers that make them so transient as not to be able to function in married life. Divorce becomes near impossible since first thing there is a stigma and second you will have a very hard time finding a replacement spouse. No wonder people rode it out.
Now marriage is drifting to being on two tracks. Some see it as the commitment for life, others see it as a "commitment for now." Some see it as a hassle, waste of time, or trap. We have all known someone "shacking up" with a kid or a few where she would like to get the ring but cannot get him to pull the trigger. I have seen articles titled, "Is Marriage Just for White People?" that imply this two-track thing will not just continue but get even more polarized.
My take is that we have made divorce too easy and too acceptable. But this has happened as society has drifted to where any discomfort, no matter how short or shallow, is unacceptable.
Quote: HunterhillJust read the latest Bob Dancer article,basically his wife has copd and could not tolerate any smoke and even after he showered ,said he still smelled like smoke.
So he was not willing to give up casinos,instead he got a divorce.
What would you do in this situation?
After reading that somewhat strange article, there doesn't seem to be enough information to answer the question. We all know what to do if a car or an appliance gets old and falls apart but this is quite different.
What we learned was that Bob Dancer abruptly divorced his wife, Shirley, after 17 years of marriage because of her health problems. Three short months later he begins dating Shirley's friend, Bonnie. Being the good friend that she is, Bonnie helps Shirley pack up and move.
I'm reserving my opinion until I hear Shirley's side of the story. In the meantime stay healthy, Bob.
My first wife had the audicity to replace the phrase "until death do us part" to "for as long as I possibly can" which made me livid. Turns out "as long as I possible can" was a bit over a year.
People change, and couples have difficulties. It's extremely difficult to stay married with all of the temptations and distractions along the way. But men have the advantages later in life in many ways. Men generally get more attractive with age, where as women (in general) go the other way. Men generally make more money as life goes on, making them more attractive to women, whereas women (in general) get sidetracked in their career because they take time out from their career or choose careers that are accomodating to their children. This leaves the woman generally dependent on their man for financial stability and because their attractiveness has decreased, while the male (in general) seeing more attention from women because they are more attractive, rich, and confident, feels trapped.
The concept of marriage, I believe, strongly favors women as time goes on, but shifts back later in life at retirement.
I'm not judging, BTW. I recognize that my opinion is my own. Everyone is entitled to do what they want with their life -- it's their life!
Quote: stoneynvSorry, Mrs. Dancer. My bad. I hope Mrs. Dancer finds a nice Ballroom dancer that doesn't smoke. Surely Dancer Bob is familiar with Chantix. A simple prescription could have saved their wonderful marriage.
I give Stoney credit for stepping up and making an apology.
Quote: boymimboMy first wife had the audicity to replace the phrase "until death do us part" to "for as long as I possibly can" which made me livid. Turns out "as long as I possible can" was a bit over a year.
She made that change to the wording for your actual ceremony? And you were livid but still decided to go through with the wedding? Seems weird, like a really bright red flag before the marriage was actually done...
Everybody knows marriage does not REALLY mandate "til death do us part."
If a marriage works out, great.
If it doesn't: end it quickly and thus end the pain.
Quote: stoneynvDoes anybody in this forum actually believe that the divorce was due to Bob Dancer smoking?
I agree. Her saying no amount of showering could remove the
smell of smoke is baloney. Of course it could, what she really
meant was it didn't remove Bob. Thats who the issues were with,
the smoke was a just an excuse.
Quote: EvenBobI agree. Her saying no amount of showering could remove the
smell of smoke is baloney. Of course it could, what she really
mean was it didn't remove Bob. Thats who the issues were with,
the smoke was a just an excuse.
yup
Quote: AZDuffmanMarriage favors women to be sure. This is why women used to be taught from near birth to "find a man." To not find one and be a spinster was to be on the fringe of society. .
Its still that way way for women over 50. To be
unmarried and over 50 gets you excluded from
a lot of socializing in our society. My wife and
I know very few unmarried women over 50 because
they don't fit into my wife's circle of friends. There
is something sad about them, which doesn't apply
to men in the same age group. The few women we
do know without husbands say they're desperate
for marriage, but men in their age group prefer
younger women. I guess I would to if I was single.
Society used to tolerate breakdown of a marriage as long as the shell remained. It used to be the only contract the law enforced when neither party wanted it to. So we kept proper decorum in public and let the fighting and adultery take place in private.
Now we let people escape marriages, perhaps a trifle too easily.
Socialization based on "no threat to pairings"? Often that is the case, but not always. Look at all the websites oriented to casual encounters or lovers without leaving a spouse.
In India I understand males intentionally arrive late for their wedding to show it is of little meaning to them and intentionally talk to a friend throughout the ceremony to show his wife means little to him. In much of the middle east females are not present at their weddings but are given away to a man they've never met.
In the days of high child-bearing mortality rates in the USA a man might have little chance of children to take care of him as he aged.
Quote: boymimboMy first wife had the audicity to replace the phrase "until death do us part" to "for as long as I possibly can" which made me livid. Turns out "as long as I possible can" was a bit over a year.
Don't mean to pry, but did she do it on the spot as you said your vows? Or did you "agree" to the change beforehand?
Reminds me of the marriage scene in Flash Gordon- go to the 1 minute mark:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87z7mjxolc0
You've got to be better off, though!
