Gambling jokes
I know two:
1) A man stops right at the entrance to the casino to pray: "Please, God, let me break even tonight because I need the money so badly."
2) During a conference on religion a priest, a reverend and a rabbi gather in a hotel room to play poker. The game gets a bit raucous, which results in the cops being called. The police busts the three men, as gambling is strictly forbidden in the city.
When they are brought to the magistrate, he tells them, "Gentlemen, in light of your occupation and given the ongoing conference in our city, I'm willing to let the matter drop and let you all off with a warning, if you can convince me you were not gambling. Reverend?"
"Thank you, your honor, says the reverend. "I admit there were card sand chips present, but these were just amrkers to track the games progress. A mere way to keep score between-"
"All right, Reverend," the magistarte interrupts. "You weren't gambling. Father? Do you ahve something to say?"
"Yes, your honor. I admit there was money on the table, but it would be an error in logic to assume such moneys would be taken from their original owner and transfered to someone else. After all-"
"Very well, Father, I'm convinced you weren't gambling. Rabbi? What about you? Were you gambling?"
The rabbi simlpy shrugs and says "With whom, your honor?"
Finally, he leaves work precisely at 5:00, gets on the #5 bus, sits in the fifth seat.
He goes to the track, steps up to window #5, and bets $5 on horse #5 if the fifth race.
IT WORKED!
The horse came in fifth....
A: At the poker table, God knows you are serious...
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball drops in the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !
He lost his mind.
And for one you have to think about for a bit (well, I had to.......)
Q: In Blackjack, when is the only time you split tens?
A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.
Why was Michael Jackson banned from playing blackjack with the pros?
He wouldn't hit on anything over 12.
A guy comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going", he asks.
"I'm going to Vegas. I found out I can get paid $500 there, for things I do with you for free.", she replied.
A few minutes later the husband starts packing." And what do you think you are doing?", the wife asks.
His reply? "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see how you are going to live on $1000 a year!"
"I decided to collect a $1 chip from every casino where I win. This is the first time I was able to complete a colelction. I have no chips at all."
Quote: RaleighCrapsQ: In Blackjack, when is the only time you split tens?
A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.
That took me a minute too. That's pretty funny.
Quote: Little Old Lady Bets The BankA little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one in case there is a problem with the IRS.
The president asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be smashed, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check if they get squashed, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
Quote: Hell is not so badOne day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "Why do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
Satan:You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow, that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?" Guy: "Hell, no!"
Satan: "Hm, your gonna hate Fridays then."
The husband spent most of the day at craps and dice: "Well, I was up for a bit, then I hit a bad streak, and I wound up losing $800." The wife then said, "Well, I went to my favorite poker machine, and I did OK for a while, but then I went to the slots and I wound up losing $350." Her husband hit the roof.
"$350! What! How could you do that, lose $350? That's crazy!"
"But dear; you lost $800..."
"Yeah, but I know how to gamble!!!!"
Somehow, I missed that one. (It's the last one on the prior page.)Quote: pacomartinI've always liked this one
Little Old Lady Bets The Bank
DAMN funny!
But does that violate the Wiz' commandment about not hedging bets?
Quote: DJTeddyBearSomehow, I missed that one. (It's the last one on the prior page.)Quote: pacomartinI've always liked this one
Little Old Lady Bets The Bank
DAMN funny!
But does that violate the Wiz' commandment about not hedging bets?
Actually the little old lady in the joke was fixing events, not hedging bets. She'd have gotten the same effct by betting in a prize fight, provided she had paid off one of the boxers to lose the fight. But if you tell the joke that way it's not funny anymore.
I feel so much better now.
:)
A traffic cop and his sergeant have a running bet for $1000 if the cop can ever pull over someone more important then the sergeant did when he was working traffic. The sergeant pulled over the Mayor once ten years ago.
It just so happens that the Pope is visiting as part of his outreach to reconcile the church with small town America. But the Pope is used to 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, fine dining, and good wine, and he hates being in the sticks.
After his blessing, he is anxious about making it back to his jet before a huge thunderstorm prevents takeoff. But his driver is understandably afraid of having an accident with his illustrious passenger. Finally the Pope gets so frustrated that he demands that the timid limousine driver turn the car over to him. The driver gives him the wheel, because, after all, he is the pope.
Further down the road, the limo is stopped by the policeman for speeding in the rain. The cop gets out of his squad car and takes one look looks in the window. He lets out a low whistle and calls the sergeant and says "I think you just lost the $1000 bet".
"Well, who is it?" his sergeant says,"Is it the mayor again?". Traffic cops say "Bigger". "The governor?" Traffic cops say "Bigger". "Not the president?". Traffic cops say "Even Bigger".
The sergeant is dumbfounded, and says "Well who could it possibly be?".
The officer responds, "Actually I am not sure who he is, but the has the Pope as his limo driver."
A young man in his early 20s was playing blackjack at an empty table. He had bought in for the $100 and was playing the table minimum of $10 per hand. Things were going very well for the young man and he was up to almost $200.
An older, drunk, high rolling man walks up to the table, sees that the young man is winning, and asks if it is okay for him to sit down and play too.
The young man politely informs the drunk man that he is on a hot streak and would it be okay if he waits until the end of the shoe.
The drunk gets really upset by this, and say "Screw you!" and sits down with about $5,000 in chips. He starts to bet $500 a hand. The two play in silence for a few minutes, but Lady Luck still favored the young man and not the high roller, and the young man continues his lucky streak while the older drunk man loses his next 4 hands.
Down $2,000, the older drunk man asks the young man, is it okay if he places a $1,000 chip under the young man's $10, since it is obvious that the young man is on a hot streak.
The young man thinks for just a few seconds, shrugs his shoulders and says okay.
The very next blackjack hand, the dealer gives the young man (whose bet is now $1,010) a hard 20 while showing a 6. The drunk guy shouts out a wild whoop in triumph, just as the young man yells out, "HIT ME!"
"What the **** are you doing!" screams the drunk high roller, as the dealer politely gives the young man another 10 for a jaw dropping 30.
The young man looks over to the drunk high roller and says in a soft voice, "Screw you."
Quote: pacomartinThe little old lady joke is pretty old, but it seemed appreciated, so I will try another oldie.
Good one :D
I have no clue if this happened, but the kicker to that story would be the drunk storming off, and THEN the floorperson telling the dealer, "The table limit is $1,000. Give him back his ten bucks."Quote: gambler....
The very next blackjack hand, the dealer gives the young man (whose bet is now $1,010) a hard 20 while showing a 6. The drunk guy shouts out a wild whoop in triumph, just as the young man yells out, "HIT ME!"
"What the **** are you doing!" screams the drunk high roller, as the dealer politely gives the young man another 10 for a jaw dropping 30.
The young man looks over to the drunk high roller and says in a soft voice, "Screw you."
Setting: Leonard is going out with Raj's sister. Raj is upset about it and tries to forbid them to see each other. Sheldon, naturally, butts in and brings up some Hindu belief about a very unpleasant reincarnation (I forget what exactly) for Raj's sister (I forget her name, sorry).
Ok, then Sheldon says "If it's true, isn't that a large gamble considering the prize is Leonard?"
Older woman gets on the elevator. Two black gentlemen get on with her, along with a German Shepard. The woman was from a small town and all. Elevator doors close and one black guy says, "LADY, ON THE FLOOR."
Race involved or not the woman is so startled she drops to the floor. The black guys after a moment of suprise are laughing their heads off and apologize saying, "Sorry, m'amm, the DOG is named ;Lady.'"
All was well and she enjoyed the rest of her stay. Goes to check out and when they look she is told the bill was taken care of. Her gambling not justifying a comp she asked why and was told, "Dunno, but there is a note for you."
"Thanks for the best laugh I have had in years. Sammy Davis, Jr."
Hearing that Mr. Davis was known to be a friendly and down to earth guy I at least believe it is possible.
Quote: PaulEWog
At least according to snopes I heard it when it first went around and not online.
A sports bettor was having horrible luck betting NFL. He complained, "I bet favorites, they don't cover... I bet dogs, they get blown out.. I bet over, it's a one score game, I bet under.. record high scoring....I bet home teams, they lose... I bet away teams.. they lose..... etc"
It was late in the NFL season, and a person hearing the sports bettor complaining suggested, "I feel you, but hey at least basketball is starting up. How about you just stop betting football and bet on the hoops?"
The sports bettor says, "Bet on basketball??!!!!!, what the hell do I know about basketball?"
