Soul purchase contract
Quote:=Define "soul"
Why, it's what is left when the body is gone.
(So there)
Silly me. I just thought it was a music style.Quote: rxwineQuote:=Define "soul"
Why, it's what is left when the body is gone.
(So there)
Quote: DJTeddyBearDefine "soul"
Music with rhythm, lyrics usually in Jive (as in "Airplane").
Quote: DocTo pursue this line of thinking, are you suggesting that Trump might be one of the devil's regional managers, or that one of Trump's regional managers is the devil, i.e., The Devil holds a subservient position to The Donald?
Obviously, Trump is the Devil's boss, not the other way around, because all those casinos are named "Trump this and that", not "Satan's Palace" or some such.
Hmmm. Several music references, but no southern food references?
Quote: DJTeddyBearDefine "soul"
"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."
-- C. S. Lewis
The first seven clauses were full off all kinds of loopholes too. I will try to get Mr. Seller to let me post the whole thing. He clearly put a great deal of time into it, and even signed it with a drop of blood.
Quote: Soul contract version 6.0
As of the 23-rd day of November, in the Christian year 2010 (11.23.10), I, having signed my identity in blood as given below, herein after known as THE SELLER, sell my soul to Michael Shackleford (THE BUYER) for the sum of $10, subject to the following terms and conditions:
1. This document covers the soul in all possible forms and ideations, covered by any human religion, including those religions that believe there is no soul, with the following exceptions:
a. The soul as conceived of by the native prehistoric Umbumbu tribe of Krakatoa.
b. The soul as conceived of by the evil overlord Xenu.
c. The soul as conceived of by all incarnations of Buddha prior to his incarnation as “The Buddha.”
d. The soul, as sold on the open market by Kittim, in the year B.C.E. 42, in the small market in East Athens between Phineas the pottery peddler and Damaris the donkey dealer.
2. The soul of THE SELLER cannot be assigned, sold, gifted or left to any acquaintance, descendent or beneficiary of THE BUYER, the estate of THE BUYER or any trust in which THE BUYER is named, except that the soul of THE SELLER can be left by THE BUYER to Bonnie Raite, her heirs and her estate, exclusive of Toby the Turtle.
3. The soul of THE SELLER will remain the sole possession of THE BUYER (or Bonnie Raite) or transcendent variations and incarnations of the soul of THE BUYER, for the duration of this contract, with the exception of the demonic incarnations of THE BUYER beginning with the 44-th and extending through the 83-rd Karmic lifetime of THE BUYER. During the anticipated demon incarnations of THE BUYER, the soul of THE SELLER will be held in the third Bardo (Sidpa Bardo), and other Bardos as may be determined by deceased llamas and giraffes.
4. In the unexpected event that, while THE SELLER is in Sidpa Bardo, the earth is destroyed by a gamma ray burst and subsequently the soul of THE BUYER is evaporated, it is agreed that THE SELLER will reincarnate as THE BUYER. In this case, this contract shall be deemed null and void and THE SELLER/BUYER shall dance the Watusi while chanting the words “banana boat” repeatedly. The SELLER/BUYER shall then become a grocer.
5. In exclusion of item 4, THE SELLER will have the option of repurchasing the soul of THE SELLER for the sum of $10 after the greater of one trillion human-years or one million trillion soul-years. In no event can such resale occur before the human death of THE SELLER and THE BUYER as well as the turtle death of Toby (poor little turtle). There shall be no tax or accrued interest assessed on the resale, should it occur.
6. If THE SELLER declines to repurchase, per item 5, this contract will continue in full effect until the souls of THE BUYER and THE SELLER dissolve into quantum foam, at which time, given that time will cease to exist, this contract shall be deemed null and void. If it is found that the “void” does not exist, this contract shall simply be deemed null. If both “null” and “void” do not exist, Toby can check box “A” and proceed to the next booth.
7. The validity, interpretation, and enforcement of this contract shall persist throughout its duration, irrespective of the physical presence or known existence of this contract. It shall be enforced by the courts and laws abiding with the relevant deities or religions to which the soul type represents, including contradictory and mutually exclusive deities, and prosecuted by the associated spiritual beings relevant to the aforesaid deities and religions, in all possible courts, each assessing its sole and separate punitive actions, if any.
8. The identity of THE SELLER, first name, birth name, surname, aliases, nick names, avatars, associates and affiliations, are to be kept in confidence and shall not be disclosed during the mortal lifetime of THE SELLER without the explicit written permission of THE SELLER. For each breach of confidence, THE BUYER agrees to attend a religious ceremony at an established religious institution within thirty (30) days, and do twenty (20) pushups while at the ceremony. In addition, THE BUYER must say the words “Saya suka pada gadis kecil” to the religious leader at the ceremony while winking at a young woman. Failure to carry out these penalties will result in this contract spawning an earwig that slowly eats into the brain of THE BUYER, who shall then have this sickness unto his mortal death and for all eternity ever after, while Toby views the same as a good lunch.
Signed (in blood w/ thumb print):
Quote: thecesspitNot in the case of EU meaning Europe :)
Sure it is. 'Acronym is the name for a word created from the first letters of a word...' In some cases, acronym and abbreviation have the same meaning.
Quote: Contract8. The identity of THE SELLER, ... shall not be disclosed during the mortal lifetime of THE SELLER
...
while Toby views the same as a good lunch.
Whoops. Looks like the secret is out, Toby.
Quote: MathExtremistWhoops. Looks like the secret is out, Toby.
I thought Toby was the earwig. Pretty harsh penalty for not paying the penalty for leaking the identity.
Quote:2. The soul of THE SELLER cannot be assigned, sold, gifted or left to any acquaintance, descendent or beneficiary of THE BUYER, the estate of THE BUYER or any trust in which THE BUYER is named,
It sounds like now you can resell it to whoever you want, as long as he is not your acquaintance, descendant or beneficiary.
I think, it is also OK, to sell it to somebody under a contract, that he will then have to resell it to some acquaintance of yours ...
I haven't laughed that hard while reading stuff on the internet, in quite a while. Thanks. To both of you.
For the record, my "Define 'Soul'" comment was serious. As I travel this path called life, I begin to believe, more and more, that God is an invention of man, and not the other oway around. However, a 'soul', 'concious', 'spirit', or whatever thing that makes the Human animal different than other animals, is another story, and may survive when the body dies.
Toward that end, the question must be asked, not only to define 'soul', but a method of recognizing it. I thought I would get the answer as I started to read 6.0 - or at least that I'd have to start researching the terms provided in paragraph 1. However, since we are all destined to become grocers, the search may be fruitless, unless we're working the produce aisle.
As far as the identity of the seller, it would seem he is a Bonnie Raite fan. But who is Toby the Turtle?
Paragragh 6 is interesting. Mathematically, (and we are talking about a buyer who is a math wizard), Null and/or Void do not exist. Can we dispense with the messy quantum foam and proceed directly to the next booth without passing 'Go'?
Quote: DJTeddyBearWho is Toby the Turtle?
Don't know. Could this be some relation to TUDOR THE TURTLE, who
I do recall from 1960's cartoons.
Quote: WizardSomebody just asked in another thread whatever became of this. Indeed, the soul purchase did transpire. There were a number of revisions since 6.0 in the last page, centered around the punishment for identifying the seller. I bargained it down to $25 per infraction, but having to attend a religious service. I'll ask the seller if I may post the final contract, which was signed with a drop of blood.
Having purchased the guy's soul, can you force it to attend the religious service with you, or does the general condition of eternal servitude only occur after the seller dies? For that matter, is it in effect before YOU are dead? If he predeceases you, do you have to wait until you die yourself before you can enslave him?
I was considering that if he did die first, and his soul was your eternal slave from that point forward, you could form the perfect holecarding team. Just a thought.
Quote: mkl654321Having purchased the guy's soul,
Does the Wiz have a weird tatoo on him somewhere, like that kid in 'The Omen'? Has anybody checked?
. Click on the image for a larger version of the full contract.
No, I have to wait until both parties die to take possession of the soul. About the birthmark, nobody has found it yet.
Quote: Wizard
.
Click on the image for a larger version of the full contract.
No, I have to wait until both parties die to take possession of the soul. About the birthmark, nobody has found it yet.
Whats with the burn marks, did the guy try to throw it in the fire while you were strangling him?
Quote: EvenBobWhats with the burn marks, did the guy try to throw it in the fire while you were strangling him?
That was good!
Actually, that is just how it came to me in the mail. I figured he put the contact in the oven to make it look aged.
Quote: WizardThat was good!
Actually, that is just how it came to me in the mail. I figured he put the contact in the oven to make it look aged.
Or he tried to burn the damned thing (literally damned) and it wouldn't catch fire. Thats my bet..
I cite Treehouse of Horrors IV (Homers Soul Donut). Where even though Homer received payment for his soul (Donut) it was ruled that he was not legally the owner of his soul. As I understand law most rulings of Springfield's Judge Roy Snyder are upheld in circuit court.
Quote: EvenBobDoes the Wiz have a weird tatoo on him somewhere, like that kid in 'The Omen'? Has anybody checked?
Not to be cruel, but maybe he IS the mark. (Creepy.)
[Edit. Never mind]
Quote: WizardClick on the image for a larger version of the full contract.
If we discover immortaility in the next 30 years or so, you're gonna be teed off ;)
Seriously, interested in buying another soul? I'll take bids starting at US $100.
I can also sell my ethics, principles, moral compass, sense of life, sense of humor, innate decency and my manners. Get the whole set and I'll give you a 5% discount.
Quote: NareedIf we discover immortaility in the next 30 years or so, you're gonna be teed off
I don't see why Mr. W. doesn't take immediate possession. Where does it say that the seller has to die first? I think Mr. W. owns it outright right now.
As for the things you are selling (a juicy long list), I'll bid $5 for your moral compass, and for only this lifetime, but you have to come up with a rock solid contract. What direction does it point? Remember, I live in Kansas, so I know my way around a compass.
--Dorothy
You have something far more, um, unique, that you could put on the auction block (that is, after you put it on the chopping block).
Sorry. I just HAD to go there...
Quote: DJTeddyBearAwww, c'mon Nareed....
You have something far more, um, unique, that you could put on the auction block (that is, after you put it on the chopping block).
Sorry. I just HAD to go there...
Actually it stays right where it is, only in a new and improved form. Well, new at any rate. Plastic surgeons are parismonous with tissues and rarely remove or throw away anything. What does get thrown out, trust me, no one but a female-to-male TS would want. If you want them, though, you may need a medical waste disposal permit.
And good riddance, too ;)
Quote: DorothyGaleI don't see why Mr. W. doesn't take immediate possession. Where does it say that the seller has to die first? I think Mr. W. owns it outright right now.
I believe it was mentioned up-thread. I dind't read the contract.
Anwyay, what can the Wizard do with the soul now?
Quote:As for the things you are selling (a juicy long list), I'll bid $5 for your moral compass, and for only this lifetime, but you have to come up with a rock solid contract. What direction does it point? Remember, I live in Kansas, so I know my way around a compass.
Surely you jest. It's first rate and it's absolutely, possitively always right, with the rare exception when it's not. It points towards good, what did you expect?
I wonder if I should list the set on eBay. I could set a minnimum bid of $1,000. It's not like selling a kidney.
Better yet a soul exchange website. It would work like a commodity exchange, but would deal only in human intangibles.
BTW is it true there's no Kansas City in Kansas?
Here in Kansas we refer to KCK and KCM (or just KC). Yes, there is a KCK. The two are neighbors, just over the border. There is a very cool liberal subculture in KCK, but you have to look hard to find it.Quote: NareedBTW is it true there's no Kansas City in Kansas?
I think ebay put the kibosh on selling human intangibles several years ago.
--Dorothy
Quote: NareedActually it stays right where it is, ...
Oooooo. Let's move this back to the GLBT topic.
You might want to consider what kind of absolute proof of delivery you would be able to secure. Can you imagine the criminal & civil suits claiming fraud?Quote: Nareed... I wonder if I should list the set on eBay. I could set a minnimum bid of $1,000. It's not like selling a kidney. ...
Quote: DorothyGaleHere in Kansas we refer to KCK and KCM (or just KC). Yes, there is a KCK. The two are neighbors, just over the border. There is a very cool liberal subculture in KCK, but you have to look hard to find it.
So you do have a football team of sorts to cause you ulcers.
I sued to know someone who lived in South Sioux City, Nebraska, right accross the broder from Sioux City, Iowa. The latter is famous for a United DC-10 that amde a semisuccessful crash-landind there.
Quote:I think ebay put the kibosh on selling human intangibles several years ago.
Probably someone sold his soul several times over. People just dont' respect contracts anymore.
Oh, well, I can always set up shop by myself. I should buy shares of the Moon while I'm at it.
Quote: WizardOooooo. Let's move this back to the GLBT topic.
Sorry. I didn't intend to post about that and DJ's post caught me by surprise.
Quote: DocYou might want to consider what kind of absolute proof of delivery you would be able to secure. Can you imagine the criminal & civil suits claiming fraud?
How do you deliver an intangible good? The only fraud would be to sell your soul to several independent buyers.
Yeah, well, I was hoping that I was being vague enough that Nareed would simply give the correct reply of "LOL", and not give us all vivid mental pictures that won't go away...Quote: WizardOooooo. Let's move this back to the GLBT topic.
I'll take the blame on this one...Quote: NareedSorry. I didn't intend to post about that and DJ's post caught me by surprise.
Quote: DJTeddyBearI'll take the blame on this one...
It's very kind of you to take the blame. Thank you.
Just for that I'll knock 15% off my soul should you decide to purchase it ;)
Now that Mr. W. has set the pace, I will buy your soul, Nareed. I trust that you are not just saying these things here to look cool. So, I bid $10 (Mr. W. seems to have set the price point). Perhaps Mr. W. will outbid me.Quote: NareedJust for that I'll knock 15% off my soul should you decide to purchase it ;)
--Dorothy
Quote: DorothyGaleNow that Mr. W. has set the pace, I will buy your soul, Nareed. I trust that you are not just saying these things here to look cool. So, I bid $10 (Mr. W. seems to have set the price point). Perhaps Mr. W. will outbid me.
--Dorothy
I am serious.
But let's back up. I set an initial asking price of $100 US Dollars (or equivalent in Mexican pesos at the exchange rate on the day of payment). I won't entertain offers of less than that.
And to do this right I should mention there's a reserve price. If that's not met, the sale does not proceed. I will reveal the price at the close of the auction, for now let's agree it can't exceed 50% of the initial bid (or US $150). Let's set a date of February 1st at 11:59 PST for endinng the auction.
Yes, the Wizard set a price of $10, but who knows what soul he purchased and on what condition it is. For all I know it's a damned soul, and I mean damned in a bad way. Mine is in good condition and pure as driven snow (more or less, and I've never seen snow live and up close). I'm also willing to sign my name in blood, not just provide a drop of it (of course the signed paper will be exposed to UV light for no less than a minute to avoid unnecessary complications).
Lastly, since I've offered Mr. DJ a discount, he can bid, say, US $86 and beat out someone bidding US $101. His minnimum bid is US $85.
Should my soul fail to sell, I'll offer the whole set I mentioned previously, plus whatever I think to add to it (not my sense of direction, it's worhtless).
Bid early and often :)
Quote: DorothyGaleI don't see why Mr. W. doesn't take immediate possession. Where does it say that the seller has to die first? I think Mr. W. owns it outright right now.
As for the things you are selling (a juicy long list), I'll bid $5 for your moral compass, and for only this lifetime, but you have to come up with a rock solid contract. What direction does it point? Remember, I live in Kansas, so I know my way around a compass.
--Dorothy
My reading is that Mike took possession of the soul on 11-23-10. If that isn't the case, then the clause about assignment (which is hilarious!) doesn't ever have the opportunity to be applicable.
--Ms. D.
Quote: DorothyGaleNareed, I think you just don't want to really sell your soul. Valuing it at $100 with some unknown reserve price and some mumbo jumbo about your soul not being damned just sounds dodgy to me. The value of your soul is the time it takes to make the sale, nothing more. You can earn $10 for about 3 minutes of work here. That's a pretty good hourly rate.
--Ms. D.
You don't have to buy it. The asking price remains at $100. If you're buying nothing, you should pay enough to learn not to do so again, after all. Think of it as a lesson ;)
The reserve price, BTW, is a common tactic emplyed in auction sites to drive up the sale price. In my case it's somewhere between $101 and $150. I'm not saying exactly what because it defeats the purpose.
If you want further justification for the price, well, suppose there is an afterlife and your soul were bought by a religious person. Can you imagine the hassle it is to have him all eternity saying "I told you so!" while you do whatever it is bought souls do in the afterlife? If that's not worth at least $100 in compensation, then nothing is.
Of course I don't believe that. The $100 is a hedge.
What are you selling? That's something to really consider here before you go on. In case of the person who sold his soul to Mr. W., it's clear that it was a joke to that person. It seems far more serious to you. Maybe $100 - $150 isn't really enough if you need to hedge at all.Quote: NareedIf you want further justification for the price, well, suppose there is an afterlife and your soul were bought by a religious person. Can you imagine the hassle it is to have him all eternity saying "I told you so!" while you do whatever it is bought souls do in the afterlife? If that's not worth at least $100 in compensation, then nothing is.
Of course I don't believe that. The $100 is a hedge.
--Ms. D.
Quote: DorothyGaleWhat are you selling? That's something to really consider here before you go on. In case of the person who sold his soul to Mr. W., it's clear that it was a joke to that person. It seems far more serious to you. Maybe $100 - $150 isn't really enough if you need to hedge at all.
--Ms. D.
Did you switch sides? You were asking whether I'm serious. I am.
I'm selling nothing in return for $100+ ($85 for Mr. DJ, which I'm sure he won't consider a bargain). The hedge is a joke. I'd very much like there to be an afterlife, but I know that wish is on the order of "I wish there was a chocolate cheesecake that actually made me lose weight," or "I wish there was a full pay DW machine in this casino."
If someone wants a piece of paper with words saying she owns my soul, and a signature in real blood (I wasn't kidding about that), and is willing to pay over $100+ for it, that's fine by me.
Now, if I were to offer to sell somethign like my loyalty, devotion, love or allegiance, that would be a different matter. Those thigns can't be bought with money.
Nareed's soul, guaranteed to be as pure as driven snow (whetever that means), is still up for grabs at the low, low, low, asking price of $100 US (and I suspect it will remain there by auction's close on Feb 1st).
I feel like I'm taking a joke too far...
Quote: NareedReminder:
Nareed's soul, guaranteed to be as pure as driven snow (whetever that means), is still up for grabs at the low, low, low, asking price of $100 US (and I suspect it will remain there by auction's close on Feb 1st).
I feel like I'm taking a joke too far...
Its a joke? Oh....
Quote: Wizard
Uh Oh... I think someone with a buddy in law enforcement can get a hit on CODIS from the scanned thumbprint. Wizard may have inadvertently violated the terms of the contract.
What will he pay to keep the name off this board? $1.5M - $2M in cancelled Bellagio chips and a motorcycle helmet that was only used once?
Quote: DorothyGalePerhaps Mr. W. will outbid me.
I wouldn't want the current owner of soul #1 to feel insulted, so I won't top that bid. However, for a celebrity, I'll put all feelings aside, and whip out my twenty dollar bills.
Quote: AyecarumbaUh Oh... I think someone with a buddy in law enforcement can get a hit on CODIS from the scanned thumbprint. Wizard may have inadvertently violated the terms of the contract.
Contrary to what you might think from Die Hard II, I don't think the resolution is good enough to get a read on that fingerprint. However, if a name surfaces, I could be in big trouble.
