married men who cheat

I met a 45 year old man who has been married 17 years....2 kids age 3, 10. Recovering alcoholic for 3 years. Says he got married for stability and also got married in the height of his alcoholism...and now in recovery is emotionally unfulfilled in marriage. He is a professonal man, smart funny but has pent up anger from family of origin. I met him through a friend and we immediately had fireworks chemistry. We knew it was a problem and said we'd only be friends. Idiotic i realize. I was pretty vulnerable after a very bad divorce, death of my mom, ill father. Bad excuse. This man and i very quickly got into a relationship that was emotional and sexual. Ive heard some responses but please dont tell me im a home wrecker and an immoral person. I have already beat myself up enough. My question is severalfold: he told me he was falling in love with me, asked me if i felt the same. And i did feel the same. We spent alot of time together and got very emotionally attached. He told me i am across the board perfect for him in all areas: looks, music, sex, recreational companionship, etc. He said it over and over. We continued to talk about the fact this was all problematic as he is married. He talked about leaving but has young kids. I told him to go and work it out with wife that we were already behind the eightball spiritially. I said the only way we could work out is if he left her for reasons other than me, that we already started dishonestly.

I tried to leave several times but i had never been with anyone who i was so attracted to in so many areas. He told me we were connected. And that i was the "the real deal" he said his wife is nice and the problems in their marriage were all him. I told him he needed to figure it out and tell her that he was unhappy. He seemed to be passively aggressively pushing her away to maybe force her to make the decision.... He told me she made sexual advances but he pushed her away and they hadnt had sex for 2 years. I also realize that is a very common statement that married men say but with the entire history i tend to believe that. Trying to make this concise but there is so much to it. He is not a sleaze or a jackass trying to just get laid. We were close and he said same. I think the intimacy we had freaked us both out. This whole relationship took me by surprise. But apparently he had been watching me for 6 months, attracted, but he never did anything about it until we were formally introduced.

The point is someone found out in our circle of friends. This woman who is not too happy and mentally unstable told everyone we had run off together. We hadnt. We kept trying to end it knowing all outcomes were bad. We'd all get hurt and his wife and kids did nothing to deserve any of it. This mentally unbalanced woman made a huge scene and even called the guy and told him she had called his AA sponsor. The sponsor intervened and told him to stop with me immediately, he did. Despite me telling him we needed to stop this sudden end blind sided me. Every time he and i tried to walk away we couldnt let go. So it was done for usby a woman who doesnt even know us well.

He has pretty much gone no contact. However we did meet once and had sex then we saw each other briefly and talked about all of this...then about 3 weeks ago we spoke on the phone for 2 hours and dissected the relationship. He told me he loved me but he didnt want his kids to go thru what he went thru as a child....step parents...he'd asked me over and over that if we did run off would i wake up and regret it....he asked me if i had wanted him to leave his wife...and on and on discussing what we had how he felt that we had a close intimate relationship and i was perfect for him.

So. Im hurting in a big way. He told me he is hurting too. And altho i wanted him to go back and work it thru with wife i also am very attached and i love him. It's cliche. It-s crap- and i know that this is very bad and hurtful.

The question finally. Is this someone who is just married and will always cheat since he did with me. ( and believe me i know i am just as complicit in this) am i an idiot and fell for a scam? He told me he had never cheated before. But he did say they did some "swinging" type sex early in their marriage. He said that if he had just had sex with someone random his wife wouldnt love it but she'd get over it but that what he and i have was close and intimate and she'd feel betrayed . (Of course she would). I wonder if this guy has a sexual issuebecuz of the swinging thing. I dont know much about that lifestyle as ive never done it but he said his wife did it only for him. Have i just been played and used or what? He will not respond to my texts at all. He told me when we talked 3 weeks ago that he is scared to see me because he wants to just be with me and run off. And he said i have a "potion" over him and he cant stay away. He said he and i did more then he and his wife....we like the same out doors stuff...going to cabin, shooting the glock, hiking etc.....and even when we talk we seem to quickly engage back in it and he said texting and talking and seeing me makes it worse.

Im crushed emotionally and miss him despite knowing he should try with wife. And now that he wont respond ( im sure his sponsor said no contact) i feel like a shit and like shit. Did he must use me and im stupid? Or can i trust that what i felt from him was intimate? And that he did love me. Why is it so easy for him to stay away....and ive beev divorced a long time, 6 years, i didnt just run to him as rebound. He has all the characteristics i want... Ive never cheated before and i feel both terrible but also angry and grieving myself.

Do all cheating husbands repeat this behavior? Could he have been lonely and unfulfilled and that was why he was drawn to me? It seems they lived a parallel life but i wonder what she would say....altho i saw him and he was hardly ever home. He could come over at 11pm if he wanted. But Is he no contact because he needs to get
His head back in his family or do i assume he has no regard for me? I am an intelligent woman who made a bad decision and altho i wish i would have had the strength to just be friends when we met i also knew we couldnt deny this huge connection . Is this just a typical married cheating scenario? How do i move on when im so crushed and how come it is so easy for nim to stay away when he couldnt stay away when i tried to walk away from him?

I apologize for length of post and please dont just tell me im a home wrecker. I already know what he and i have done. But my feelings are there and im heart broken and feeling like a jackass. I assume he is hurting too as that is what ne told me...but maybe i cant believe anything he told me...tnoughtnt Help? Advice? I wrote here because i like the straight forward and to the point, i telligent advice. Thanks....excuse typos im typing on a tablet which is a pain..

Men are scum and women are nuts.

Any person who is in a marriage and has sex with someone other than their spouse is doing precisely what they vowed they would not do. If you take those vows you'd better do everything on your side to make the marriage work - no excuses. He failed miserably and threw those vows in the garbage. You on the other hand acted like a fool and got intimately involved with a married man. Nothing more needs to be said about that than, "How did that turn out?".

Stay way from him and move on with your life. You both did something very stupid and you both deserve whatever you're feeling. Perhaps his kids will be lucky and he won't have to put them through what he "didn't want his kids to go thru... step parents". I guess he might have a better idea now of how it is that he went through that. Apple not fall far from tree grasshopper.

Men are scum and women are nuts.

He's proven his scummyness by doing what he did. You're proving your nutsyness by coming here, telling your story and thinking that someone's going to tell you that it will all turn out ok.

Advice. Grow up and move on. Oh yeah... DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

I think his sponsor was right. My advice would be the same to you -- no contact.

To your questions...

Did he use me? Yes, he did. And you used him.

Did he love me? Perhaps, in his own way.

Do all cheating husbands act this way? Pretty much.

How do I move on? Find an endeavor in which you aid others and involve yourself fully in that. A great way to expand your circle and perhaps meet someone else.

Seize the day.

Quote: midwestgb

Do all cheating husbands act this way? Pretty much.

If one must cheat, I think it is better to keep it strictly physical. No emotional entanglements.

He is married and wants to stay married.
Perhaps he wants to stay married for a variety of reasons: legal, financial, "the kids", prefers his wife, who knows, who cares. He wants to stay married.
He claims some sort of "perfect fit" with you.
You claim some sort of "fit" with him though it appears more attachment.

The only relationship, if any, available is that of mistress. So go for it....... or get lost.

Be his mistress. Sex, No marriage, no talk of marriage. No discussion about his wife, his kids,... just sex.

Take it or leave it. If you take it, shut your yap. If you leave it, shut your yap.

I have to agree with Flea on this on one. When Herman's Cain's alleged mistress came out I felt she was out of line, after he supported her for years.

After 14 years of marriage he sobers up, fathers a child, decides he's not happy and takes on a paramour. He's not thinking about his wife, his kids or you. You already know the character of this man and you already know the answer to your questions. The only thing left to do is end it. Today. Arrange a meeting in a public place, provide your own transportation and tell him in no uncertain terms that it's over. If you choose not to end it, copy Fleastiff's post and tape it to all your mirrors.

"Men are scum and women are nuts.

He's proven his scummyness by doing what he did. You're proving your nutsyness by coming here, telling your story and thinking that someone's going to tell you that it will all turn out ok."

Thanks for replies. You are right Nightfly...im a lunatic. I have no excuse for what i did and maybe i do deserve to feel this way. We have broken it off..i didnt come here asking to be told that it will turn out ok...im skeptical of online forums but ive been reading alot due to this situation and liked the honest and alot of times harsh but necessary comments here. What i really wanted is to hear that he is a jackass so i can de-romantacize this and stop caring and move on. . And i needed to hear that i need to grow up...i made a huge lapse in judgment and in that process got attached to someone and possibly fell in love. Im def an idiot. But when people are vulnerable these feelings and situations become powerful. I had emotional needs and so did he. Obviously the way we met those needs was not smart nor appropriate.

Im trying very hard to stay accountable and not justify. Its easy to judge but we all make mistakes, we dont think clearly and we react rather than respond. The fact im nuts and he is scum doesnt take away from the pain. And altho you feel we deserve the pain having support (not meaning what we did should be condoned but rather being allowed to talk about this)is needed. Im living in a new place and support system is nonexistent so i came to a forum.

I am trying to decide the next right thing...do i tell his wife or is doing that selfish rather than accountable. I think about my motives and wonder would i be telling her for vengence towards him? Or to somehow clean my side up? Im not angry at him. I did this with him. Im angry at myself. Does telling his wife just unnecessarily hurt her? I told him the best thing would be that he NOT get in another affair and not tell her...that would be how he makes amends to her...but is being honest and telling her the righg thing....now as i write this im realizing it is none of my business. I need to just stop and go away and take care of my own life that seems to have derailed in my personal pain.
I

Quote: belleepoque

now as i write this im realizing it is none of my business. I need to just stop and go away and take care of my own life that seems to have derailed in my personal pain.

Truer words were never spoken. Now act on them!

Quote: Wizard

If one must cheat, I think it is better to keep it strictly physical. No emotional entanglements.

One of the reasons i posted here was because i read responses for about an hour and appreciated the tough love approach. I tend to call bullshit on bullshit quickly myself...and have the capability of being able to take it when it comes back to me....i can own my part. I try , rather.

I want to clarify some incongurencies, however....Wizzard you have talked a lot about cheaters as this seems to be the thesis of the relationship forum...you tend to say that you have no tolerance for cheaters and you have a one strike policy of sorts. And you say when you break up with someone there is no real way to be friends. Make a clean break...yet you've also advised people who are jealous of their significant other talking to the ex that it is ok to talk to ex. You tend to advise that people not be so rigid ( my words and interpretation) but in my opinion what need is there to talk to an ex ( unless kids are involved) and if you think couples cant or shouldnt be friends after break up then it would seem like you would agree that there is no need to continue a relationship (friendship) once broken up.

My ex husband would email and talk to several of his previous lovers and it bothered me...what was the point except to stroke his very fragile ego....and because of his behavior in our marriage it made me uncomfortable when he said a new woman he met and was spending time with would be a good friend for me....seriously? I said no thanks. And when i asked him why he needed to have contact with women who were ex lovers he said "i get along better with women then men" hmmmm....anyway the point im making is i dont see what the point of keeping exes as friends and ive rarely seen it work in a positive way...it would be stupid of me to now think this guy i had affair with and i could be friends...he thought we would be...


And in your response to me you say if one must cheat that it be kept strictly physical...it seems to be incongruent with your other advice because you are hard on cheaters. Rarely, in my opinion, can women be sexual without emotion...and alot of men get emotionally attached as well. I know men and women can just be sexual but i think it is rarer. My opinion is this: before sex with a woman a guy is attracted to he cant see clearly. After sex he can see clearly and much of the time needs to pull back and gain his emotional equilibrium....women before sex can see clearly...after sex they cannot. That was what happened with me and the guy i posted about. My view got very cloudy after sex with him...i got emotionally attached. So for us sex by itself was not going to be an option...just some thoughts...i do like your no nonsense and calculated approach to these nutty issues and situations. Im amazed at the lack of boundaries that people have.,,but look at me? I did it, too. I failed to set the boundary in a situation i initially was trying to back away from...my emotions over took me and everything i stand for or would advise others left me.

Sigh.

Having read your story, I give the following opinion,

First, there are plenty of men in the world who will give you the chemistry and the wow factor that you require. Some of these men are not married. They are out there, looking for partners. You just have to know where to look. Perhaps some of the "chemistry" that was attained was knowing that it was wrong. There are plenty of women out there who are looking for "dangerous" partners -- bad boys who are somehow unavailable and therefore are unattainable.

Second, it boils down to you having an affair with a married man. This is wrong and it's only a matter of time until the wife finds out. It is very very difficult to successfully have an extramarital affair. It is even more wrong to have an affair in a marriage with young children as the lives of these children will be extremely negatively impacted by the divorce process and will ruin their upbringing. If he left his wife to come to you (and this happens all of the time), then you have to be willing to deal with the baggage of some pretty nasty divorce proceedings, a lifetime of the father paying a substantial amount of his income of support, and an instant family which includes, unfortunately, a hostile ex-wife and possibly some pretty hostile children who will see your entrance into their lives as an intrusion responsible for breaking up a family. Reality sets in pretty quickly and has the great potential to ruin whatever chemistry you thought you had.

And yes, the married man, having left his wife and marrying you, will more than likely cheat again. Why wouldn't he? You will get old and ugly. The married man will make an excuse to himself and will start looking for fulfillment outside of the marriage.

You want him? Then you need to be willing to wait. Have one conversation that goes with "I'm not talking to you again until you've filed divorce papers" and leave it at that. Meanwhile, get over it and move on. If he shows up, realize all of the baggage that comes with it and decide accordingly.

There are plenty of single men out there. Find one of those.

Boymimbo....ive appreciated ur responses in other posts. Well thought out with truth but kindness.
Its amazing what you wrote. I said that exqct thing, all of it, to this gjy. I told him if he didnt get emotionally present soon his mids would get very insecure if they already hadnt. I told him that his ,ids would resent me if he left for me. And i told him tnat ne would follow himself....whatever issues he has now in marriage will continue with me unless he figures it out.
I tried to walk away many times and he easily pulled me back in. Probably some of my pain is him being the one to end it after people found out when every time i tried to end it i allowed nim to talk with me and convince me to "play it out". Didnt need much convincing however. Now he is cold turkey no contact and im hurt. Duh.

I dont like that this is illict. It was not a fun part. I looked at every possible pathology of my choosing to be with him and nothing fits. I liked him. Nis intelligence, humor, chemistry, i could be authentically me...yes it could all change over time of a settled relationship.

I would love to be in a relationship that is real and honext. Part of the pull was i have only once had this kind of connection and chemistry and we both felt exactly the same. I will be open to finding that. In my opinion as much as i love this guy if he leaves wife i think he needs time alone in nis own place focusing on kids not on me. A year before he gets in r/s with me or someone else....that is why i wanted to end it. If he decides to leave her it has to be because of whatever is going on there. It cant be for me. He would only wake up one day and say wtf? And resent me...blow upnover the kids....and the id say wtf? And its all a mess.

I need to just move on and i do pro bono work for at risk youth...trying to put my life back on track, work alot, and find some friends in this new tow n. Thanks for responses....

Hell 3 years sober is not sober long enough to make this kind of decision. I've been sober 25 years and I wouldn't want someone 3 years sober on my property unescorted. His sponser is 100% correct. Guilt and resentment are the 2 buzzards following alcoholics around waiting for them to take a drink. If you really love him leave him alone. He'll end up drunk otherwise which will not do either of you any good.

Let me clarify my position.

Yes, I absolutely say that after a breakup to make it a clean cold break. You have to get past it and move on with your life. Your ex-husband is a good example. He had no business keeping up friendships with his ex-girlfriends. The part about getting along better with women? Give me a break. I would lay good odds this guy was habitually cheating on you.

I don't have a Dr. Laura style "no tolerance" policy about cheating. To the person who was cheated on, I say forgiveness the first time is optional. If you forgive a second time, you're a fool, because the cheating will likely never stop.

I'm certainly no expert on how to carry on successful affair. What I was trying to say, without condoning it, is it is much more likely to blow up in your face if there is emotion involved. Where I think we could agree is the best policy is to not take any chances in the first place with it.

About telling the guy's wife, I absolutely so NO. What good would that do? I see no upside to it.

The thing is that after a divorce with small children, there is likely not to be a clean cold break. Even if you wait for the divorce to become final, the ex-spouse will always suspect that you are the culprit (and you are!) for the divorce and will likely make your life a living hell beyond what it already will be.

I do have a no tolerance policy with cheating. Your partner will more than likely get caught. He made a promise to his spouse when he married her. It's up to him to keep it. If you're looking outside of the marriage for something, then attempt to resolve the problem within the marriage first, then call it quits, then have sex with whoever you want to your heart's content.

I always wonder how one who breaks up a marriage can possibly trust their partner not to do it to them. What makes you so special?

Quote: Wizard

I don't have a Dr. Laura style "no tolerance" policy about cheating.

How about against promoting a sort of lifestyle from which such dramas play out mostly on the "big screen", and in the newspapers? As an afterthought.

I mean, the best general advice is that there "isn't any". The (open) "secret" to a long and happy life is to not shorten it trying to be someone or something you're not, namely really better than the next guy. The simple, unprocessed components of life are ultimately the most-required, so at least entertain those first. Drink a bit of cool water when you suspect that you don't really want the pop, etc. Spend more time and money caring for yourself, your mind and body, than for the inanimate stuff. Take the time to learn how to enjoy your sleep.

Turn off, and tune back in. "Cool" ain't cool. (Even a battery lasts longer in cold storage?)

Quote: Garnabby

How about against promoting a sort of lifestyle from which such dramas play out mostly on the "big screen", and in the newspapers? As an afterthought.

I mean, the best general advice is that there "isn't any". The (open) "secret" to a long and happy life is to not shorten it trying to be someone or something you're not, namely really better than the next guy. The simple, unprocessed components of life are ultimately the most-required, so at least entertain those first. Drink a bit of cool water when you suspect that you don't really want the pop, etc. Spend more time and money caring for yourself, your mind and body, than for the inanimate stuff. Take the time to learn how to enjoy your sleep.

Turn off, and tune back in. "Cool" ain't cool. (Even a battery lasts longer in cold storage?)

Who are you, Rex Murphy? It's difficult to read through the metaphor.

Just someone trying to escape my own realities for a few minutes. See you guys, again tomorrow.

P.S. Who's Rex Murphy?

You're Canadian, you don't watch the National?

Quote: boymimbo

Who are you, Rex Murphy? It's difficult to read through the metaphor.

Yeah i agree...have absolutely no idea what garnabby said/meant.

I didnt say i dont think he would cheat on me...i was asking...wondering if it could be a one time thing in the midst of all the changes he is making and the self awareness in early sobriety. And if in the future we did get together would he continue that behavior it being a character flaw, a drive of some kind.... altho now that i step back and think (wish i would have done that from the beginning) i am remembering things he told me such as having been with prostitues and how he is ashamed of the "swinging" needs...i think he had prostitues during
marriage but not sure....so does that info put a different slant on this..that he might be cross addicting with sex?? I have known him at a distance for a while and he is carrying alot of anger...and three years soberis hardly sufficient time to work through all the issues or even begin the awareness of all the issues. I agree with ncfatcat thathe is an emotional baby in recovery....geez...what was i thinking? That id save this guy or be better than his wife or that he was ready for anything other than being a father and figuring himself out...i know that when one person gets sober in a marriage the dynamics change if the spouse or significant other isnt doing some changing as well. But clearly this guy is in no place or shape to be in another r/s and i was a good distraction from himself.

Well it may be embarrassing to write to a forum about such drama but all this writing and reading responses is giving me some much needed clarity and a kick in the ass of who i thought i was...wow...my hormones and own needs blinded me to this. This is how affairs happen...someone walks into your life when your're not thinking clearly and it seems like they will make the world better just by being in it. Hmmm...he even said just that to me 3 weeks ago..."i feel better knowing you are in this world, it makes me happy and relieved" i laughed when he said it thinking im def not that special but now i get it.

He admitted to not knowing who he is or what he wants...i guess i was an experiment. Why i believed we could be meant when what i did was interfere with his marriage. Wow. Idiot. Thinking back i remember having some of this clarity before he kissed me. I should have run then like i thought. .

Well maybe this post will help someone else...all i can say is dont do it. Its not worth the emotional toll....and the guilt. And bad feelings. I agree with poster who said finish a r/s before moving onto another...think it through...play out the outcomes.. and sadly we had talked about every outcome yet we forged on blindly eyes dilated in 'love'. Im feel sick.

Don't beat yourself up too much. You are not guilt free by any means however you can't be a home wrecker without a co-conspirator. You clearly have a conscience and that is why you are suffering now while the lothario is out seeking his next conquest. Stick to your guns.

Quote: belleepoque

I am trying to decide the next right thing...do i tell his wife or is doing that selfish rather than accountable. I think about my motives and wonder would i be telling her for vengence towards him? Or to somehow clean my side up?

I won't try to say I know your motives for considering this option. I can tell you that I know more than one instance where a woman who was the new lover [let's call her the beta female] intentionally does this out of selfish motive; sometimes unconsciously I think. If the alpha female [sometimes a wife, other times a long-time girlfriend] finds out about the infidelity, there is a chance that beta changes to alpha, you see, and I'm convinced it is possible to just do this instinctively. Usually this means leaving personal items behind for the alpha female to find, and every instance I know of involves intimate items.

It is common enough that it has led to a good joke:

Wife: "I found a pair of pantyhose in a drawer here that aren't mine! "

Husband: [grabs them and tries putting them on] "I'll be damned! they must have shrunk"

I hope you'll come back later and give us an update.

Quote: belleepoque

Yeah i agree...have absolutely no idea what garnabby said/meant.

Only that there're basically three options when dealing with addictions and the like: just stop doing it; take away the appetite; or figure out a way to do it productively.

The easiest way for most persons, being to only (deliberately) not set themselves up for such an appetite. Clean living serves many other advantages, despite the nonsense of not being "cool" (tacitly-understood), or of not obtaining something for nothing.

Quote: boymimbo

You're Canadian, you don't watch the National?

If "The Devil is in the details", then God is in the vagueness.

I have watched the National, and hence on occasion, Rex. I was more interested in what he specifically signifies to you... before responding to your comparison of him to me.

I'm lost in all this soul searching nonsense. Time for any of that is long gone.
I still don't understand why you are concerned about his marriage or his wife.

He saw something that was available, he revealed the fact that he was married, you agreed to the situation ... you got what you bargained for... and then you seem to have had some sort of buyer's remorse well after the transaction had taken place.

You chose to be his mistress.
Now you choose to supposedly end the relationship but you seem to be continuing on and on in thinking about it and talking about it.

I still don't understand why you won't either be his mistress and shut your yap or end the relationship and shut your yap.
No talk to him, no talk to his wife, no talk to a diary, no talk... end it.

Find a new way to occupy your spare time.

Yeah heard you the first time fleastiff. Maybe you dont have emotions but i do. Dont read what im posting if it bugs you so much. I feel like writing about how i feel for several reasons. And if you read my original post youd see there was more to it then just being a mistress. Both he and i were blindsided by the intimacy. So shut YOUR yap.

i took your advice wizzard and that of several others and just made my own closure...not going to say anything to wife or to him. His marriage is not my business like i said earlier. Im working alot and doing what id advise anyone else....get out of my head and help someone else.

Thanks for feedback. I still hurt but ill get over it.

Quote: belleepoque

That is why i took advice and am staying away esp as he Will drink if he continues on like this. I have to let him go and i have to find my own guy.

You are just going to vanish?

>we were at his cabin three different weekends and i thought hmmmm
>maybe some black hair in the sink will get me what i think i want. (Wife is blonde)....i didnt do this.
>I double checked all my stuff was packed.
Good.
You avoided doing something that would have been manipulative, deceitful and hurtful. That shows good character. You did not needlessly hurt him or his wife or foolishly set yourself up in the cross hairs of her gun sight. That is good. Perhaps one day you and the wife will meet for a glass of wine and toast life's often strange ways. The husband knows what value he places on his marriage and what value his wife places on the marriage. Perhaps he will discuss things with her, perhaps not.

The husband did not take off his wedding ring and lie to you, you did not set out to ensnare the husband in an embrace that would be fatal to him or to his marriage. Had you each been on business trips, you would have chalked it up as a pleasant one night stand. It was a bit more than that but the inescapable fact remains: he is a married man. Perhaps he will tell his wife that he met a woman who was careful to clean her black hairs out of the sink. Perhaps he won't. Its his marriage and his decision. He can decide on his marriage and his wife can decide on her marriage, but you are stuck with the situation as it exists: he is a married man.

Quote: FleaStiff

You did not needlessly hurt him or his wife or foolishly set yourself up in the cross hairs of her gun sight.

While I agree there's a big downside to any kind of drama, she doesn't owe him any special consideration. She didn't take vows to his marriage.

He set himself up to destroy his marriage when he decided to cheat. It's mutual risk or reward for both of them.

Maybe he told her the whole truth about his marriage problems. Maybe he didn't. I try to avoid shows about relationship drama, but the ones I've caught -- how often has the cheating spouse accurately portrayed the relationship just the way his spouse would describe it?

Almost never, I think. So, unless she has a conversation with his wife some day - I'd assume one really doesn't know the whole story.

Move on, and don't look back is a good overall plan.

Quote: odiousgambit

You are just going to vanish?

Not sure what you mean. But im not going to talk to the guy, or text or email. And im not going to talk to wife. Ive done enough damage. Its up to him to get what he needs in marriage or get out. 3 years sober for him is not nearly enough time to figure out who he is imho. Like ncfatcat said. The guyntold me he got married in height of his drinking, got married for stability as he was unable to give himself that stability....he made the ultimate commitment to raise kids and made that decision in his addiction as well. Now he is waking up...just barely....most likely he is very angry, confused, probsbly has alot of resentments....but again not my business. He decided to go no contact and yep im crushed just as i knew i would be. But poor me...ridiculous. his wife is the one who is crushed if she knows.

So vanishing from his life is the right thing to do. Believe me im not so together that i havent tried to force contact. I have and did. Our last conversation a month ago was loving. But it hooked us both in again as he sext me 2 hours later. I know he and i cant see each other. Its all over if we do. We'll end up ....well.....you know...in bed. We still have it for each other but its destructive. Sadly. I did tell him that the only time i ever want to see him again is if he has divorce papers...but even then he needs time to himself. Hes got a long road ahead i think. Ive done that psychological work and its not easy.

I have thought about moving out of the state even...thats how much i hurt. Not sure yet...

Quote: rxwine

While I agree there's a big downside to any kind of drama, she doesn't owe him any special consideration. She didn't take vows to his marriage.

He set himself up to destroy his marriage when he decided to cheat. It's mutual risk or reward for both of them.

Maybe he told her the whole truth about his marriage problems. Maybe he didn't. I try to avoid shows about relationship drama, but the ones I've caught -- how often has the cheating spouse accurately portrayed the relationship just the way his spouse would describe it?

Almost never, I think. So, unless she has a conversation with his wife some day - I'd assume one really doesn't know the whole story.

Move on, and don't look back is a good overall plan.

Rxine:

Yes he did set himself up to destroy marriage and i think he did it unconscously. One time we were in public, well several times actually, where alot of people we both know could have seen us and he kissed me. I asked him about that...i said it seems likenyou want to get caught. He said he didnt care who saw. Then later after we got outed he told me that he agreed with me, that he wanted someone else to make the decision so he could leave.

I give him credit for not saying how his wife doesnt understand him or that shes an evil witch. He didnt. He said she is nice. She has been supportive. He felt like a douche. He said the problems in marriage were all his doing. I know that isnt true but he owned his crap anyway. He told me a month aho he is a douche to her and felt like shit about it. Again its a passive aggressive way to get her to do the dirty work. I told him that.

So, no, i dont know what the real story is. I can only surmise that alot changes when one person gets sober. If both dont change and grow then it is doomed. She lived with an active alcoholic for 14 years....shes got some of her own shit no doubt. From what ive seen of him he can shut down and be noncommunicative and not budge from that position even when someone asks him to talk. Not easy to deal with.

It would be interesting to see what she says. But i have found inconsistencies in things he's said whih confirms his confusion. At the very beginning he told me they were "close" . I remember looking at him like he was crazy....i called him on that one. If you're close then why are you here with me hugging me and being intimate. Then later he slowly realizes they've got problems. When i told him that he was feeling intimacynin recovery with me he was shocked. Intimacy in early recovery is difficult. That was when he realized he and wife didnt have that. And he discussed being in love, not me. I called him on that too. Then later he told me she was erasing texts and clearing emails that he thought she was having affair. They had done some "swinging" tyoe sex in early marriage so i didnt know if that meant an ooen marriage but he said she would feel betrayed if she knew how close he and i were, that we had i timacy, not just sex and that we had a relationship. So the point is its all a mess over there i think. And i just confuse the issue.

As i said in another post there is a lot of work ahead for him. Its not going to be easy or fun. So, goody, i get to be the catalyst for them improving their marriage. For fucks sake.....





As i said in another post thee is a lot

Quote: Garnabby

I have watched the National, and hence on occasion, Rex. I was more interested in what he specifically signifies to you... before responding to your comparison of him to me.

Rex speaks alot in metaphor and is difficult to understand unless you really think about what he's trying to say. I am saying that you seem to be the same way.

You know, it doesn't really matter at all what his situation is. You slept with a married man. You're in the wrong, so get out. Everything else is moot.