In love but there's one possible problem...

I have been dating the most amazing man since June. We're madly in love and perfect for each other. I think about him constantly. Whenever we're together, we have the best time. The chemistry is unlike any I've ever experienced with any other man. The more time we spend together, the closer we get. There is nothing about him that bothers me. Don't get me wrong - we disagree on things; he isn't my twin - but we don't fight. We discuss and argue personal, cultural and social topics and things do get intense. The thing is we never get mad. I can't even explain it. Normally, when I'm dating someone who disagrees with me I can out-argue them to the point of submission and they give in and concede that I'm right. This man won't do it. He will sit there and smile while I get all worked up telling him all the ways he's wrong and I'm right and he will defend his position to the end. I love it! I need a man who will stand up to me or I won't respect him.

This one has confidence, charisma, charm, he's incredibly hot, patient, kind, intelligent, gorgeous, sweet, sincere, sexy, self depricating, hilarious, simple, complex, I could go on and on and on. I've known him for 20 years and I'm pretty sure I've been in love with him since the day I met him when I was 15 and he was 18. But, we never dated until this year. About 7 years ago was when he originally confessed his romantic feelings for me and said he'd been in love with me since we met. I found that amazing as I felt the same was. But, circumstances at that time prevented us from being together. We've seen each other since then numerous times at assorted functions and gatherings and we've always remained close friends and have had an unspoken understanding that we've always got each other's back. Finally, this June was when I felt I was emotionally ready to attempt a relationship with him. What I haven't mentioned is that there are a few factors that will effect things between us whether this relationship goes the distance or fizzles.

Here is goes (Don't judge me too harshly...) he is my cousin. He isn't my first cousin in fact we are from different generations in the family - so that whole 'once removed' line comes into play when trying to describe our relation level. So, my concern isn't that we'll have 2 headed babies or anything as we both have children and do not intend on having more whether together or apart. My concern is how our extended family (there are a lot of original brothers and sisters who all had fairly large broods themselves and everyone lives in close proximity and see each other regularly) and society in general is going to deal with us if we 'out' ourselves - not that we're going to make a sign for the front yard or anything but I mean stop hiding it and let the chips fall where they may. And I'd love to stop looking over my shoulder to see who's around before I kiss him everytime we go out in public. A few of our closest friends have figured it out and I've mentioned it in passing to a couple of random strangers who I will never see again but spent time with on vacation and everyone who I've discussed it with says that is they had the type of relationship we have and obvious love we clearly have towards one another that they'd tell the world and be proud because we're lucky to have found each other and be so in love.

Things are getting to the point where we're ready to move in together and we're debating on getting a place with a separate room for each of us and tell the family that we're 'roommates' or have a traditional couple's bedroom and let people figure it out on their own. Please be kind when responding as I don't enjoy harsh criticism. And believe me, you can't say anything to me about this all that I haven't already thought of. But, the more research I do the more I find out that this type of thing is really quite common - it just isn't readily advertised. For instance, did you know that Rudy Guiliani was married to his cousin? As were Einstein and Darwin? The list is quite extensive actually. So, please let me know what you think as advice from strangers is sometimes the most honest advice to get because they have no motives. Thank you! :o)

I have no idea if you will last or not or whether you will be happy or not. All I can say is that the fact that you are distant cousins has no bearing on the matter. Not genetically, not legally. If some busybodies within the family think it scandalous ... so what?

I advise that you break up your post into paragraphs so that the reader has an occasional break. I had to force myself to keep reading. I'm on a bouncy train and I keep losing my place. Paragraphs would be a tremendous help for finding my place after I have to took away.

Go ahead and schtup your cousin. Tell your families that you two are sharing expenses or something.

12345

one thing, never check calling or texting logs on his cell phone...

Why is that?

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

Why is that?

we are finding relationships are crumbling left and right over that. Ignorance is bliss.

12345

Quote: odiousgambit

we are finding relationships are crumbling left and right over that. Ignorance is bliss.

Got it. LOL! I admit normally I am extrememly suspicious in relationships but this time I truly feel no insecurity. Possibly, my 20 year history knowing this man is helping the matter but him constantly reminding me how he feels is pretty nice also. I have always been with badboys and this one is the baddest of all that I've seen. But, he's 38 now and I think on his way to becoming a 'reformed bad boy.' He claims I'm the first girl he hasn't cheated on and everytime someone asks him if I'm his wife, he beams. It's quite adorable. I tell him all the time how sweet and cute he is but he just laughs and says men aren't supposed to be those things and that he's 'manly and rugged.' It's so freaking funny. I will take your advise and not snoop. If he is doing me dirty I don't want to find out any sooner than I have to because this experience is by far the sweetest ride I've been on so far in this lifetime.

Quote: s2dbaker

I advise that you break up your post into paragraphs so that the reader has an occasional break. I had to force myself to keep reading. I'm on a bouncy train and I keep losing my place. Paragraphs would be a tremendous help for finding my place after I have to took away.

Go ahead and schtup your cousin. Tell your families that you two are sharing expenses or something.

Thanks for the tip... I went in and edited. :o) So to be clear, you would suggest we do the 'roommate' thing as opposed to the 'ya there's only one bedroom, duh...' thing.

Depends on how nosey your family is and how much you two care what they think. Here's an alligorical(sp?) story:

Rob and Kenny lived together in an apartment on the lower east side. Kenny's mom was to come over to dinner but Kenny had never told his mother that he and Rob were more than just friends. When Kenny's mom arrived, they gave her a tour of the apartment. They told her that the guest room was Rob's bedroom so that she wouldn't think that they were sleeping together.

A week goes by and Rob tells Kenny that the soup ladle is missing and it was at dinner with his mother that they last used it. Kenny calls his mother and asks, "Mom, I'm not accusing you of anything but we haven't seen the soup ladle since you were over here last week. Do you know where it is?"

To which Kenny's mother replied, "I'm not accusing you of anything but if Rob was sleeping in his own bed, he would have noticed the soup ladle under his pillow".

Quote: odiousgambit

one thing, never check calling or texting logs on his cell phone...

So other than the advice on the checking the phone, etc. you'd be okay with 2 cousins dating and/or getting married?

Quote: s2dbaker

Depends on how nosey your family is and how much you two care what they think. Here's an alligorical(sp?) story:

Rob and Kenny lived together in an apartment on the lower east side. Kenny's mom was to come over to dinner but Kenny had never told his mother that he and Rob were more than just friends. When Kenny's mom arrived, they gave her a tour of the apartment. They told her that the guest room was Rob's bedroom so that she wouldn't think that they were sleeping together.

A week goes by and Rob tells Kenny that the soup ladle is missing and it was at dinner with his mother that they last used it. Kenny calls his mother and asks, "Mom, I'm not accusing you of anything but we haven't seen the soup ladle since you were over here last week. Do you know where it is?"

To which Kenny's mother replied, "I'm not accusing you of anything but if Rob was sleeping in his own bed, he would have noticed the soup ladle under his pillow".

Ha ha! I've heard this before actually. LOL! It is very funny. The truth of the situation is that I am my own person - a complete individual who has very very rare contact with my mother who I have grown distant from as I have gotten older. My father and I rarely talk also but not for lack of affection - just a lack of interest. So, there are no concerns on my end about being disowned or anything considering how little I see those people as it is. No worries. He, on the other hand, is EXTREMELY close to his mother. In fact, about 4 years ago he confessed his feelings to her for me. He said he'd been in love with me since I was 16 years old and that if I'd have him he'd be with me in a heartbeat.

She freaked the 'F' out and told him that was sick because we're cousins. She is NOT down with the idea at all. After she jumped down his throat she cornered me and asked me WTH was going on and I told her that nothing was going on but ya we both really cared about each other but I was too scared to act on it because I didn't want the family to freak out. She said, "Good. Let's keep it that way." And that was the last time she and I discussed it. So - the issue really would be with her and those closest to her in the family as far as the influence she has on people. My man has not said anything more to her about the situation since we've actually begun seeing each other romantically because he knows I'm scared of what his mom will say. I'm very sensitive to being the target of disgust. Lately tho I'm starting to lean towards the idea of telling everyone because I'm so fabulously in love. I don't want to hide anymore, you know?

Just a question, I'm not pointing fingers but think it would be wise of you to ask it of yourself if you haven't already. It sounds like you're into this guy more than any before him. Smitten, even. Could a good deal of this attraction to him be the fact that you're doing something "wrong"? I don't mean this as judgemental as I don't really have an opinion on your matter, but I think, by posting, you agree that society views this as "wrong". You might want to search yourself to truely see if you like him for "who" he is (a good dude?) or "what" he is (forbidden fruit).

I just ask because I have a history with "wrongness" (drug use, street racing) and a noticible part of the thrill was the "doing something bad" part.

Quote: Face

Just a question, I'm not pointing fingers but think it would be wise of you to ask it of yourself if you haven't already. It sounds like you're into this guy more than any before him. Smitten, even. Could a good deal of this attraction to him be the fact that you're doing something "wrong"? I don't mean this as judgemental as I don't really have an opinion on your matter, but I think, by posting, you agree that society views this as "wrong". You might want to search yourself to truely see if you like him for "who" he is (a good dude?) or "what" he is (forbidden fruit).

I just ask because I have a history with "wrongness" (drug use, street racing) and a noticible part of the thrill was the "doing something bad" part.

I do agree that he is forbidden but no I don't think that's it... I am a 'good girl' as far as my life choices go and my want to please my family and not rock the boat. I didn't drink until I got out of HS, I've never done drugs, I don't have one night stands, basically I'm a pretty boring person in the scope of life choices, a serial monogamist, if you will. My tendency is to error on the side of caution whenever possible. Having said that I must admit that I LOVE bad boys. Always have. Always will. I'm perpetually the quintissential 'good girl in love with the bad boy' you see in the movies. My college boyfriend was BAD news and I've been married twice. Divorced twice. Both bad boys. All completely wrong for me in how they treated me.

This man is the baddest of the bad. But sweeter than any 'good guy' I've tried to date. Yes, after each bad boy I try to change myself and hook up with a good guy to see if I can make things better the next go 'round. I never can. In fact, 'Nice' guys and 'Good' guys are only nice and good as long as you are nice and good to them too. They can't handle my strong personality and always end up trying to change me. I won't change. I am a lot more than a pretty face and no one seems to realize that until it gets to the point that things have started to deteriorate.

To answer your thoughts... no, the whole 'forbidden fruit' thing isn't it. I'm pretty sure it's the animalistic craving I have for his soul. He. Is. Amazing.

"Baddest of the Bad"???

How bad is that? Headed to prison bad? Beats you up when he gets tired of you winning arguments bad? Drunken bad? Drug user bad?

I don't have a problem with the cousin thing...I'd tell everyone to mind their own business on that one...I'd just be darn sure his badness wasn't going to ruin any family that you two might have. That's where I would draw the line...if he is headed in a direction that won't work in the long run. not if he is your second cousin once removed or something like that.

If I was in your extended family I wouldn't have a problem with it, however, I can see how some of the older generation might. This is the price you may have to pay if you want to further the relationship. You need to have an honest talk with him specifically on this subject, and make sure you are both in agreement. Then if you both decide to move forward, you're going to have to tell the whole family, and take whatever comes. Just remember, you can generally all pack up and relocate away from the naysayers if needed.

On a related note - Parents can be reluctant to admit their kids have made a correct choice sometimes when they disagree with it. For example, my sister was engaged to a guy who was the life of the party, pretty well off, handsome, etc. She broke it off and left him for a co-worker who was 10 years older than her, nowhere near rich, and divorced. My mom hated the whole situation and wouldn't even talk to the new guy for over a year. Fast forward 20 years and they've been married for 18 of them, have two awesome sons, and a happy suburban life. Mom now realizes that my brother-in-law is the salt of the earth, and practically worships the ground he walks on.

Maybe his mom will change her mind in time. Maybe not. You guys need to be prepared for both scenarios.

Cousins marry all the time. My parents were second cousins removed somehow (my two great-grandmothers were sisters) and not only did both their families not mind a bit, but my mother's father was the one who set them up on their first date -- and no, I'm not from the backwoods of Kentucky.

I don't think you're worried at all about your family being upset about you and this man being distantly related and in love, but that you're afraid they're going to disapprove because he's "the baddest of the bad" as you put it and that they'll try to dissuade you from getting involved with him and having another bad relationship or another divorce ... maybe because they're concerned for your children's welfare?

Just make sure you consult a geneticist if you plan to have children.

The cousin is not your problem--the bad boy is.

He's your cousin.

What, are you an idiot?

Run, don't walk away as fast as you can.

You'll thank me later ...

Wizard of vegas, this site is, giving marriage advice.

2nd cousins are fine. 1st cousins probably are not. If you're second cousins then you share great-grandparents and you two share 1/8 blood. Big deal.

The Wizard should pipe in anytime now... this "baddest of the bad" and "I LOVE bad boys"and " I'm perpetually the quintissential 'good girl in love with the bad boy' " is going to get to him [I predict] [g]

I thought the rule of thumb was 1st cousin = ixnay, second cousin= OK. Might be the law too.

This is an absurd response.
Absurd genetically, mathematically and sociologically.

Incest is usually a taboo but is often one that is overlooked in many societies.

Particularly in this day and age of virtually total separation of recreational and procreational sex the incest taboo seems anachronistic.

Many girls choose what is available. In an urban apartment building that can be a fairly high number of men. In a household wherein there are a good many male visitors for various social functions, that can be a high number as well. Teen age girls often have a wide circle of acquaintances from outside activities, but often the quickest and simplest solution to getting some while avoiding societal risks and condemnation is to simply make use of what is available in the privacy of the home, be it friends, relatives or double-dippers.

Great relationships are so hard to find and grow that it's always difficult to suggest that you give one up that you may have. But the big red flag to me is that a fundamental aspect of the relationship involves hiding it from trusted people close to you.

That's not to say that those folks should know EVERY-SINGLE-THING about the relationship, but keeping such a big part of it secret, I think, doesn't help anyone.

I wouldn't necessarily suggest giving up the relationship, but I would definitely advise that you tell your family/friends/whoever you trust the most. I would also further advise that you take a very close look at doing what they say. Who knows ... maybe they won't think it's a big deal. But I definitely think you should find out.

I think a truly great relationship is great for everyone involved.

I think this is the toughest relationship question we've had so far.

Maybe there isn't a right answer...

Quote: RonC

"Baddest of the Bad"???

How bad is that? Headed to prison bad? Beats you up when he gets tired of you winning arguments bad? Drunken bad? Drug user bad?

I don't have a problem with the cousin thing...I'd tell everyone to mind their own business on that one...I'd just be darn sure his badness wasn't going to ruin any family that you two might have. That's where I would draw the line...if he is headed in a direction that won't work in the long run. not if he is your second cousin once removed or something like that.

My response to this is: Yes. He has done MANY bad things in his lifetime. Drugs, jail, fast cars, loose women, all the typical rebellious youth stuff. No denying any of that. As I said I met him when he was 18 and I was 15 and he EASILY could have used the charm he oozes from every pore in his skin to whoo me, bed me and leave me I'm sure considering how naive (sp?) I was. But, he didn't. He was kind, sweet, protective, caring, - very much my guardian. He'd take me places with him - parties, etc. and no matter what he was doing or who he was talking to if I got anywhere near any 'trouble' - boys, alcohol, what have you - he was right there. I'd be in a completely different room from him talking to people and out of nowhere he'd show up and tell the guy who had just invited me outside for a 'talk' or something else with intentions to make a move on me to get lost. Back then I had no idea why he was being mean to the nice boys - but as I got older and figured out what boys like to do outside while 'looking at the stars' I understand.

One time we were out of town with some other family and friends staying at a hotel and a random friend of the group offered to help my drunk ass (I was 18 just graduated from HS and drinking for about the 2nd time in my life) to my hotel room. I thought that was really sweet and let him escort me. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving or anything I just walked off with the guy. We rode the elevator upstairs, walked down the hall to my room, he came inside my room with me to 'make sure I got in bed,' - looking back now I can't believe I was so dumb! Anyway, we must have been in the room no more than 5 minutes when the door flew open and there was my cousin. He walked in and asked what was going on. I was already laying down in bed and the guy was sitting on the side of the bed talking to me. My cousin gave him the dirtiest look and then encouraged him to leave NOW. Then he looked at me and rolled his eyes, smiled and probably said something but I have no idea what - I just remember feeling so safe that he was there.

So, yes he's bad. Very bad. Can kick anybody's a$$ bad. But has adored me for 20 years and has never done anything to make me think for one second that he would EVER hurt me by lieing, cheating, beating me - nothing. I appreciate the concern in respect to the badboy image and my preference for it. But, him being a badboy is NOT and never has been or will be an issue for me with respect to him.

I know where his heart is and it is with me - always has been. And if my family has a problem with it I can defend myself as a successful 35 year old woman who doesn't need their approval to be with the man I want to be with. I know it seems like if I'm so confident about my choice in regard to his past and reputation I should be confident with the cousin thing too... but I'm not. Remember that I have known this man for 20 years. He's met the majority of my friends and he's always been introduced to people as 'my cousin.' If I start running into these people when we're together and we're holding hands or kissing - are they going to FREAK? That is what I'm concerned with. I do not want to become a leper. And remember we both have kids. Are our kids going to be scarred by this or can we explain that you can't control who you fall in love with and when they get older they'll understand.

This is REALLY DIFFICULT! Hence, my question: do we continue to hide and lie or do we out ourselves?

Quote: FinsRule

Maybe there isn't a right answer...

Oh there is indeed a right answer! The only question is when the parties are old and look back will they each think they arrived at that right answer.... or the wrong one?
Quite frankly, I found that lengthy paragraph so long that I didn't bother to read it all because the only questions are quite simple: is he her Mr. Right or some other girl's Mr. Right. This Bad Dude can be an exciting "danger" that soon gets tiresome, but heck ... she either wants to wake up each morning next to him or she doesn't. Thats all that matters. Remote genetic chances? Heck, no woman has ever had a guarantee the kid would come out perfectly healthy.

Quote: FleaStiff

Oh there is indeed a right answer! The only question is when the parties are old and look back will they each think they arrived at that right answer.... or the wrong one?
Quite frankly, I found that lengthy paragraph so long that I didn't bother to read it all because the only questions are quite simple: is he her Mr. Right or some other girl's Mr. Right. This Bad Dude can be an exciting "danger" that soon gets tiresome, but heck ... she either wants to wake up each morning next to him or she doesn't. Thats all that matters. Remote genetic chances? Heck, no woman has ever had a guarantee the kid would come out perfectly healthy.

:o) As I said, we do not plan on having any children together as we both already have children. He would be fine with it if we did but I'm not a fan of pregnancy as I've done it twice and I have 2 beautiful healthy little boys. I'm good.

And... YES this is the man I want to wake up with forever. I want to come home to him or him to me and I want to grow old and make memories. After my 2nd divorce and all the BS I went through I decided life is too short to not be happy. After 2 full years of giving myself time to heal from that disaster I am ready to be with the man I love. He is my one true love. I guess it should be as simple as that, huh? Maybe I'll go make a FB post right now telling the world. On second thought... nahhhh. :o)

Quote: odiousgambit

The Wizard should pipe in anytime now... this "baddest of the bad" and "I LOVE bad boys"and " I'm perpetually the quintissential 'good girl in love with the bad boy' " is going to get to him [I predict] [g]

I thought the rule of thumb was 1st cousin = ixnay, second cousin= OK. Might be the law too.

My dad is his great-uncle. That's the relation.

If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, then do it. Why the heck are you asking anyone else? You'll regret it if you don't, so go for it.

You're looking at this man thru 15-year-old eyes, mooning over what he DID for you 20 years ago. You need to blink really hard a few times and ask yourself what will he be able to do for you for the next 20 years. Sure, when he was 18 and you were 15 he was your guardian and your protector, but would he still be those things for you now? Do you need/want him to be?

There are what, 4 or 5 children between the two of you? Will he be a strong and responsible parent for your blended family? Does he have a steady job with a good income or would you be bearing the majority of the financial burden? Is he completely off the drugs? When was the last time he was in jail? Do your kids and respect like him? Do his kids like and respect you?

I have to wonder why you brought this question here in the first place. What are you going to do, go to your family and say, "I don't care what you think, the people at this website called the Wizard of Vegas said it was okay for me and him to be together." If you want to prove to your family that there's nothing wrong with your relationship, get the approval of your priest or minister or even a lawyer, who can give you advice from a religious or legal perspective concerning the cousin thing, and present those answers to your family as your defense.

I think you keep telling us how great he is (was) to convince yourself, not us.

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

My dad is his great-uncle. That's the relation.

figure it out here. It gives me a headache.

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

And if my family has a problem with it I can defend myself as a successful 35 year old woman who doesn't need their approval to be with the man I want to be with... He's met the majority of my friends and he's always been introduced to people as 'my cousin.' If I start running into these people when we're together and we're holding hands or kissing - are they going to FREAK? That is what I'm concerned with. I do not want to become a leper. And remember we both have kids. Are our kids going to be scarred by this or can we explain that you can't control who you fall in love with and when they get older they'll understand.
This is REALLY DIFFICULT! Hence, my question: do we continue to hide and lie or do we out ourselves?

Your "friends" will stare at the two of you like a two-headed calf if you "out" yourselves, as well they should.

C'mon, are you really THAT clueless about the ways of the world?

"He's not just my cousin, he's my husband, too," will be your opening line at cocktail parties, church socials and Friday night football games, and it will make the two of you the talk of the town, the subject of vicious gossip, all of it well-deserved.

You may not become a leper, but you will be branded a morbid curiosity, the subject of jokes.

Three words of advice: GET OVER IT!

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

And... YES this is the man I want to wake up with forever.

Then go tell him that. Don't tell Facebook and don't bother worrying about your family and their worries and fears. You have answered any questions that you have. Thats it. Nothing left now for you to do but act in accordance with your decision. Good luck.

Quote: tsmith

You're looking at this man thru 15-year-old eyes, mooning over what he DID for you 20 years ago. You need to blink really hard a few times and ask yourself what will he be able to do for you for the next 20 years. Sure, when he was 18 and you were 15 he was your guardian and your protector, but would he still be those things for you now? Do you need/want him to be?

There are what, 4 or 5 children between the two of you? Will he be a strong and responsible parent for your blended family? Does he have a steady job with a good income or would you be bearing the majority of the financial burden? Is he completely off the drugs? When was the last time he was in jail? Do your kids and respect like him? Do his kids like and respect you?

I have to wonder why you brought this question here in the first place. What are you going to do, go to your family and say, "I don't care what you think, the people at this website called the Wizard of Vegas said it was okay for me and him to be together." If you want to prove to your family that there's nothing wrong with your relationship, get the approval of your priest or minister or even a lawyer, who can give you advice from a religious or legal perspective concerning the cousin thing, and present those answers to your family as your defense.

I think you keep telling us how great he is (was) to convince yourself, not us.

This response makes me laugh... I can see your point though. I was just giving one example of how he treats/treated/will treat me in the future. To be clear, he still does VERY nice things for me but I've grown up so I don't need the 'protector' as much as I need the 'friend' of the equation. Now, the nice things he does are fixing things that break or doing heavy lifting for me. We've both matured and settled down into boring grown-up existences like most people do. We still go out from time to time but we are just as content to stay in, grill dinner, and watch movies with or without the kids. And yes, my children adore him and his 3 children seem to be good with me. I don't know his kids as well as I know mine so I'm reluctant to speak for them and say that they adore me too but if put on the spot I'd say they definitely like me a lot. Last weekend the oldest one said, "I wish she were my mom." to his dad which I think is a good sign. So, that area isn't a problem.

Yes, he is completely off drugs. He drinks sometimes but doesn't partake on a daily basis. Mostly he's a workaholic. He'd be a great provider for our family. Not that I wouldn't continue to pull my fair share. I don't need him in any sense other than I want to spend my life with him and in my heart that feels like a need.

He has a VERY good job working about 60 hours a week (Mon-Sat) making about $35.00/hr. I am salaried where I work currently and make probably 1/2 to 2/3 of what he makes. But, I also get child Support on 2 and he pays child support on 3 so I would guess that we net about the same each month. But if that is a little bit wrong then he definitely makes more.

I don't need a lawyer to tell me the legalities of marriage. In the state I live in I know it is only illegal to marry your 1st cousin which would mean one of my parents and one of his parents are siblings. And that is not the case so we're good to go. I don't plan on telling the family that I posted this on WoV for them to be impressed by the responses I just am really worried about losing my relationships with family members and have lost a lot of sleep over this because it is so important to me. I can't talk to my best friend, my brother, or my parents about it because it is so taboo. Society in general isn't too keen on people marrying their cousins - as shown by MrV's responses. Ultimately it is my decision I was just looking for a little guidance from strangers to see what their reaction might be or suggestions they might have for dealing with this.

I definitely think the best route is to go to his mom and sit her down and explain the situation before she 'catches' us doing something... but I'm scared Sh*tless of the thought of that.

Quote: MrV

Your "friends" will stare at the two of you like a two-headed calf if you "out" yourselves, as well they should.

C'mon, are you really THAT clueless about the ways of the world?

"He's not just my cousin, he's my husband, too," will be your opening line at cocktail parties, church socials and Friday night football games, and it will make the two of you the talk of the town, the subject of vicious gossip, all of it well-deserved.

You may not become a leper, but you will be branded a morbid curiosity, the subject of jokes.

Three words of advice: GET OVER IT!

I know. You're right. I just don't want to wake up when I'm 80 and think FML I loved him so much why did I worry about what other people thought of us. If we do move in together, we'd relocate to an area near the rest of the family but far enough away that the locals where ever we are wouldn't know the family bond we share. I've already decided that... But trust me - I get that you don't approve. Really. I get it. And that is exactly why it has taken me 20 years to even give this thing a chance... I was worried that EVERYONE would think like that. But, it turns out that they don't. Thank effin' God! :o)

I do respect your views though.

Quote: FleaStiff

Then go tell him that. Don't tell Facebook and don't bother worrying about your family and their worries and fears. You have answered any questions that you have. Thats it. Nothing left now for you to do but act in accordance with your decision. Good luck.

Thank you for your support. The more people who tell me not to worry about what others think and say the more courage I have and the more I believe that there are even more people who will support us being together. I think I just have to accept the fact that some people are going to be okay with it and some aren't. I know that there is nothing I can do to control people's views and it isn't any of my business what they think of me anyway.

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

If we do move in together, we'd relocate to an area near the rest of the family but far enough away that the locals where ever we are wouldn't know the family bond we share. I've already decided that...

I remember years ago, taking the Greyhound south out of Portland, a couple were sitting across the aisle from me, and I just couldn't help but overhear them discussing their situation and their future plans.

He was her step-father, and they were "in love;" he was leaving his wife, and she was running away from her mother.

She didn't look a day older than fifteen.

Sordid, dirty love ... what a bargain ...

You'll reap what you sow, girl.

Sigh.

Tell your family, let the chips fall where they may, any do what you want to do.

That said, you wrote some stuff about how he used to be a bad boy and he isn't now. Why is this relevant? The point of relevance, if this was the only concern, is the fact that this bad boy is your second cousin.

There must be some concern and some lingering in your mind about this man besides the 2nd cousin. He's cheated on everyone except you. He's got a history of drugs, jail, etc. Let me tell you that this is not typical. Most people (well over 90%) of the population has not been to jail. These concerns are your own, but you chose to write about it anyway, asking for some kind of reassurance, I guess. I can't give you that. Reflect back on yourself why don't you and ask yourself why you chose to write that.... you might be concerned about it. You should probably only marry the guy if your concerns are allayed.

2nd or 3rd cousin... doesn't matter. Your family might think it's strange. Screw em. It's your life.

As boybimbo said, incest is not your problem, the bad boy is. Do NOT confuse his protection of you with his possession of you. You said that he is violent and can beat people up. But not you?. The example you told when you were a drunk 18 and he saved you from a guy, what would have happened if you had wanted this other guy and Mr bad boy showed up? If you had said go away, would he? You must ask that if you marry, are you then legally his possession in his mind? Then will he let you have any life on your own without him.

Quote: boymimbo

Sigh.

Tell your family, let the chips fall where they may, any do what you want to do.

That said, you wrote some stuff about how he used to be a bad boy and he isn't now. Why is this relevant? The point of relevance, if this was the only concern, is the fact that this bad boy is your second cousin.

There must be some concern and some lingering in your mind about this man besides the 2nd cousin. He's cheated on everyone except you. He's got a history of drugs, jail, etc. Let me tell you that this is not typical. Most people (well over 90%) of the population has not been to jail. These concerns are your own, but you chose to write about it anyway, asking for some kind of reassurance, I guess. I can't give you that. Reflect back on yourself why don't you and ask yourself why you chose to write that.... you might be concerned about it. You should probably only marry the guy if your concerns are allayed.

2nd or 3rd cousin... doesn't matter. Your family might think it's strange. Screw em. It's your life.

I think mostly I began to write about the 'badboy' thing in response to Face's initial comment about me being into him because he is 'forbidden fruit' and I wanted to be clear that that was not the case. It is definitely something I've thought about and he and I have discussed it at length. We've discussed the fact that we're so happy and wondered why we waited so long to be together because things are so great. The point he made (not me) was that if he would have had the opportunity to be with me back when we were younger he can't be sure that he wouldn't have screwed it up because he was so young and stupid. He said he was basically messed up from the age of 14 until he got in trouble approximately 8 years ago. He wasn't in a gang or anything but he really got into drugs and began making them and dealing them, I guess. We don't ever really talk about the details of his criminal activities as they are in the past and he knows that I was never into that scene. He has fully matured as far as leaving the drugs behind him and the people who he used to run around with from that life.

I wouldn't have mentioned the cheating had he not mentioned it to me recently. I don't even know why he brought it up other than the fact that he was trying to sincerely explain to me how deeply he loved me. And as someone who has been repeatedly cheated on, lied to, knocked around, belittled, and all around emotionally abused by the previous men in my life... I can tell you that in my gut I have no fear of any of that with this man. And considering none of the other men I have been with were jailbirds but still treated me terribly - the fact that this one has been in the 'system' and yet can be so emotionally available, gentle, kind and sweet all while intimidating every other male around, I find that incredibly appealling.

I guess I should note also that both of my ex husbands were younger than me and I've never before dated anyone over the age of 30. That in and of itself might be part of my problem. This man is 38 and has sowed his wild oats, gotten into a lot of trouble, defied authority and yet has landed on his feet and wants to make a life with me, my children and his children. I know where he comes from and where he's been and I believe he has a good heart and good intentions. I doubt that he spent the last 20 years adoring me from afar just to finally get me all to himself and then screw it up.

Hopefully that helps everyone understand why my issues aren't with who he is or what he's done in his life... my concern is on the partial sharing of the DNA... :o)

Quote: matilda

As boybimbo said, incest is not your problem, the bad boy is. Do NOT confuse his protection of you with his possession of you. You said that he is violent and can beat people up. But not you?. The example you told when you were a drunk 18 and he saved you from a guy, what would have happened if you had wanted this other guy and Mr bad boy showed up? If you had said go away, would he? You must ask that if you marry, are you then legally his possession in his mind? Then will he let you have any life on your own without him.

Were I to go out and intentionally flirt my a$$ off in front of his face, would he get angry... I doubt it. I think he'd laugh and then tell me I could stay or leave with him because he'd be going now. If I stayed, I would put money on it that he'd go find the 2nd most attractive girl in the bar and invite her to leave with him. Tit for tat. Would he ever beat me into submission? No. He would know better. I guess that's the one thing I have going for me in this relationship as opposed to the others I've been in... this one understands the gravity of messing with someone in my family. LOL!

Okay that maybe wasn't funny but my point is that I have a BIG dad and a BIG brother and MANY male cousins who wouldn't stand for any of that and regardless of how bass a$$ this man is, the GROUP of the other men in my family who aren't exactly wall flowers themselves would be enough of a deterant were he to even remotely entertain the thought of laying a hand on me. That's all WAYYYY out of context though because I don't flirt with other men and when I do speak to other men he thinks it's fun to walk up and hug me from behind, kiss my neck, smile and then walk away just to make his presence known. That typically lets everyone else in the area know that I'm with him and he has no problem with me talking to whoever I want but I will be leaving with him. The fact that he's 6'6" and 225# of solid muscle helps too. It's all good.

He doesn't have a problem with me playing pool, singing karaoke, dancing without him, or any other activity I can do in a bar that doesn't include him. Typically I'm the life of the party. I'm friendly, chatty, fun, I smile a lot, I have just as many girl friends as guy friends and there is never any question as to my motives. I always go find him and check in periodically if he's outside smoking or in a booth talking to friends... we're chill like that. Previously, I think he has been with the girls who like to cause trouble by flirting with all the men to get attention and usually that causes problems because they have never understood that the way to this man's heart is not through jealousy... he isn't the jealous type. But he will get extremely sick of your a$$ and if the guy who you're flirting with thinks he can beat up your BF... he'll have to prove it.

So - no he doesn't think I'm his possession. :o)

Eight years is not all that long when it comes to leaving drugs behind, especially if he was dealing and making and using them; the money is hard to forget and the craving for the rush is always there. All he needs is for one of his old friends to stop by one day ...

Frankly I don't think you came here looking for advice because you have a defensive answer for every negative comment that has been put to you; you came here looking for verification and approval of what you have already decided. You have received that from some people, so why isn't that enough?

There is NO problem -- neither medically, legally, nor religiously -- with being in love with your 2nd cousin, and if you're not going to have children together then your DNA will never be mixed, so that is a moot point and I don't know why you keep bringing it up.

You and Bad Boy need to do whatever it is you want to do. Move in together, move away together, with or without benefit of marriage, whatever. Then come back in about a year and let us know how happy you still are and what a good decision you both made.

Wait a minute ... I just re-read one of your last posts and you said, "...he thinks it's fun to walk up and hug me from behind, kiss my neck, smile and then walk away just to make his presence known. That typically lets everyone else in the area know that I'm with him..."

So why are you asking if people are going to "freak" if they see you kissing or holding hands in public? You're already doing those things.

Things never turn out the way you think they will. Ever.
Always remember that men (and women) show you one
face when they want you, and another face when they've
got you. However he's treating you now, cut it by 75% when
you've been together a couple years (or less). Can you live with
that.

Quote: tsmith

Eight years is not all that long when it comes to leaving drugs behind, especially if he was dealing and making and using them; the money is hard to forget and the craving for the rush is always there. All he needs is for one of his old friends to stop by one day ...

Frankly I don't think you came here looking for advice because you have a defensive answer for every negative comment that has been put to you; you came here looking for verification and approval of what you have already decided. You have received that from some people, so why isn't that enough?

There is NO problem -- neither medically, legally, nor religiously -- with being in love with your 2nd cousin, and if you're not going to have children together then your DNA will never be mixed, so that is a moot point and I don't know why you keep bringing it up.

You and Bad Boy need to do whatever it is you want to do. Move in together, move away together, with or without benefit of marriage, whatever. Then come back in about a year and let us know how happy you still are and what a good decision you both made.

Okay - let me clarify a few things in regard to my 'defensiveness' - I NEVER asked for help on IF I should be with this man or not. Period. I think my initial post made it evident (if it didn't I apoligize as I did mean for it to) that I am head over heels in love with this man and things are going swimmingly. My query was, "should we continue to keep things secret i.e. 'hide what's happening on the relationship level' or tell everyone (family/friends, etc.) we're together. I ONLY described the badboy thing to illustrate that I'm not into him simply for the fact that he's my cousin - I am into him in SPITE of that fact because of all the ather things about him that are attractive. And he feels the same way about me. YES, we have decided to be together. I'm simply looking for guidance on HOW to proceed considering the family connection. No we are not first cousins and I get that it is legal and in some people's minds totally not a big deal. However, to his mother (and I assume others within the family especially her 2 sisters, his aunts, all of whom, he is EXTREMELY close to) it is a HUGE deal. She thinks him being in love with me is SICK and I worry that he will lose the close bond he has with her. He says he doesn't care what people think and that his mother will never cut him out of her life as he's her only son and she loves him more than life itself... and even though he may be right I am scared to chance it if he's wrong.

The few people who are close to him and me who have found out are totally not bothered by it at all and others who I have spoken to about it (maybe 2 strangers) have no problem with it because they've seen us together and got to know us as the cute, fun couple before we divulged any additional details and so they weren't biased initially when getting to know us.

tsmith - FYI we do go places where we aren't surrounded by close friends and family members at times... have you not ever gone to a bar, casino, restaurant where you are a stranger to all others who are there? Those are the places we have been where he comes up to kiss my neck. We'll be hanging out playing pool and inevitably we play doubles and as the night goes on, we make new friends. We aren't connected at the hip everywhere we go. But considering the fact that we don't know the people in the bar - when we do get separated (maybe he goes to the bar to buy us drinks and some new fella sees me standing by the jukebox decides to start a conversation) he makes sure to come back and 'check in.' It's a nice gesture I feel and personally I think more guys should learn the art of it as it makes me, as a girl, feel loved and trusted.

So, I think I've covered everything. To sum up. You bet your a$$ I'm defensive about him and us together. I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved another man in my entire life. Maybe I'm still looking at him with 15 year old eyes but I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I know a few couples who have been together 30+ years who could use a little walk down memory lane and remember back to when they were 15 and first laid eyes on their mate. I hope I never stop feeling butterflies when I see him or am in his presence. He's amazing no matter what he's done or who he's been with before now. He's mine and I'll keep him as long as he'll have me. All I wanted to know was, "how do I break the news to the family, some of whom have already shown their disgust for the matter" or "do you recommend I keep my mouth shut and keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life before I stand on my tip toes, wrap my arms around his neck, stare adoringly into his eyes, smile and kiss him." That's it. Judge me. Don't judge me. Be happy for me. Be disturbed by me. Life is good. I just want to know: Can I tell the world????

Thanks for your input! :o)

I don't think anyone doubts you two are in love. I think what raises eyebrows is that you're treating it very differently than you otherwise would if your man was unrelated.

If this man were unrelated, you would not have these questions and you would not be more nervous about telling family than you otherwise would. But you are more nervous. And you do worry about their response, or you wouldn't be more nervous.

If this relationship is truly permanent, you're going to have to tell all the people you're nervous to tell eventually. Their reactions won't be any different then than it will be now. So, if you plan to stay with the guy, I would say just go ahead and get that part overwith so you won't be carrying that fear any more.

Who knows ... your family may all be okay with it and you're fretting for nothing.

Granted, your relationship would lose its "forbidden fruit" aspect, but that shouldn't matter given that you're truly in love.

"After awhile, you'll find that having is not the same as wanting.."

Mr Spock
Star Trek

Yeah. Starting out with a LIE is always the best way !!