rxwine
rxwine
Joined: Feb 28, 2010
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April 19th, 2013 at 11:03:40 PM permalink
If you can't appeal to her as a co-parent, appeal to how much better it will be if you both work things out without courtorders. (though I might not say it exactly like that)
Quasimodo? Does that name ring a bell?
boymimbo
boymimbo
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April 20th, 2013 at 6:33:50 AM permalink
See, Conservatives and Liberals reaching across the aisle... it makes me tear up just thinking about it...

Honestly, your son will see you taking the high road as something quite meaningful to him. Just stay involved in his life. There are webcams, facebook apps, and video chats where you can see him and talk to him, every day. Make sure you are there for the important things in his life.

On the other hand, that step dad is going to be a major role model in the kid's life, and you really think that he is going to be an awful influence on him, by all means, go to court.
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
FleaStiff
FleaStiff
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April 20th, 2013 at 7:12:56 AM permalink
Kids are resilient, courts are expensive but can often be a damper on long distance upheavals.

I thought I'd like to chip in here with Beth Raymer's "two cents" rather than my own: You can look it up in her memoir Lay The Favorite wherein she describes being eleven in the Bahamas and playing blackjack with her father while sipping his beer everytime she got a Blackjack. Making her own decisions on the hand and high fiveing her dad was what she remembered. He was most happy when he was gambling and he took her along and shared his joy with his daughter. She grew up fine. She saw him happy, if maybe not so often. I think its the same way with kids. A long distance relationship where he sees you less often but always happy and always treating some woman well is good. At nine Beth Raymer chose her father's selections at a Greyhound Track and learned the code phrase "at my office" to mean the high limit table on the Big M Casino Boat. She went on to earn a Masters and has been published in the NYTimes.

So make your decisions on what will make you happiest and don't try to enslave the kids to some fixed notions that give you "time" with them but make them see you as if you were "serving time" with them instead of enjoying life. Let the future bring what it may. Kids survive separation better than they survive an artificially enforced togetherness that keeps the custodial parent bitter all the time and the visiting parent not quite ecstatic either.
SOOPOO
SOOPOO
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April 20th, 2013 at 7:27:34 AM permalink
Wow. I feel bad for you. A few points. I am pretty sure southwest flies direct to Tampa now.
Most divorce agreements that involve custody issues put specific geographic restrictions on where the custodial parent can move. I have a friend who was married in Syracuse, and she was prohibited from moving more than 100 miles without her ex's permission. Her new husband was offered a great job in Buffalo but was not permitted to move, they ended up taking an almost as good job in Binghamton, as that was within the 100 miles. Did your lawyer not put any geographical restriction in the agreement?
You may 'know' your ex's new husband is no good, but proving that to a court is likely FAR more difficult. Of course not knowing all the details.... I think I would fight for either custody, or an order to prevent her from moving that far away.
No joking here..... my ex wife practiced divorce law, and we are still friends.... if you have any specific questions that you don't want to pay someone $250 an hour to answer.... text me....
EvenBob
EvenBob
Joined: Jul 18, 2010
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April 20th, 2013 at 12:10:33 PM permalink
Maybe your ex will hate FL, I certainly do. You never
forget your first summer because you think you're
going to die. A lot can change in the next few years,
don't think anything is set in stone. My dad had the
biggest influence on me from ages 7 to about 13.
Then, like most teens, I wished he'd just completely
ignore me.
"It's not enough to succeed, your friends must fail." Gore Vidal
Face
Administrator
Face
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
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April 20th, 2013 at 1:19:25 PM permalink
Quote: rxwine

If you can't appeal to her as a co-parent, appeal to how much better it will be if you both work things out without courtorders. (though I might not say it exactly like that)



Itís not so much an inability to come to an agreement, court imposed or otherwise. Itís simply that all the options completely blow. I could let her take him, get him for every school break, holiday, and summer vacay, but heíll still go months without seeing me during school and months without seeing her over summer. If I get custody, itís the exact same scenario only reverse. Six of one, half dozen of the other. I could try to force her to stay in NY, but that would destroy her marriage and leave her here without a house or a job. That would destroy her, and hurting her is hurting him. Or I could abandon my job, my friends, my family, and everything I am and go to a state I despise.

If anyone sees another option other than these 4, Iím all ears.

Quote: boymimbo

See, Conservatives and Liberals reaching across the aisle... it makes me tear up just thinking about it...



If you're going to use labels, I prefer "friend". Thanks for the advice =)

Quote: FleaStiff

So make your decisions on what will make you happiest and don't try to enslave the kids to some fixed notions that give you "time" with them but make them see you as if you were "serving time" with them instead of enjoying life. Let the future bring what it may. Kids survive separation better than they survive an artificially enforced togetherness that keeps the custodial parent bitter all the time and the visiting parent not quite ecstatic either.



Great post Flea. Thatís where my mind went, trying to focus on the positive. Perhaps the longer periods of time when I do have him will be even better. Maybe without the weekly restraints of visitation and weekly trips to Syracuse, itíll give me more mobility in jobs I can take and places I can live. I know the idea of visitation period when I first got divorced was unthinkable. In retrospect, the time greatly increased in quality and our bond got a lot stronger. Maybe this will be the same.

Quote: SOOPOO

Wow. I feel bad for you.

Did your lawyer not put any geographical restriction in the agreement?



Thanks SOOPOO (might as well put you on retainer ;) lol) We do have an agreement, itís 300 miles. Her house in Syracuse is on the very rim of the agreement. She knows that, and wants us to come to an agreement ourselves allowing her to leave so we donít have to go to court, pay lawyers, etc. If I refuse, then weíre going to court. Based on the 4 no-win situations listed above, Iím having trouble seeing where court is worth it.

Quote: EvenBob

Maybe your ex will hate FL, I certainly do. You never
forget your first summer because you think you're
going to die. A lot can change in the next few years,
don't think anything is set in stone.



I wonít. Iíve already seen how fast things can change. Like I said, head up, look at the positives.

Thanks to all for your help. I know Iím sounding like a broken record, but I really appreciate it!
The opinions of this moderator are for entertainment purposes only.
odiousgambit
odiousgambit
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April 21st, 2013 at 5:50:54 AM permalink
Busy in my own personal life, just now catching up, Face.

Hang in there, we are rooting for you.
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: ďThanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!Ē She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
boymimbo
boymimbo
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April 21st, 2013 at 6:59:32 AM permalink
A few things:

BUF -> TPA have 2 non-stops a day for about $400 return and 2:40 on the flight time. That's not so bad.

You have a very mature attitude about this, but I don't want to sell yourself short either. You've seemed to somehow accept that the son living with the mother is the better option. Why?????? Because the mother can emotionally accept it? You've gotta look at what's best for the child. PERIOD.

Difficult as it may be for you, and difficult it may be for the child, what makes you think that living with the kid's mother is any better than living with you???

His mother is moving, not you, and frankly, the kid would be better off living with you with his family all around him then living in FLA. That needs to be a possibility, and if it tears up the ex-wife because now SHE has to make a choice, then let HER make that choice, and too fucking bad if her life comes crashing down on her as a result of her decision. That's her doing, not yours. The law is on your side -- you have an agreement that doesn't let her move with the kid because that prevents shit precisely like this from going down.

If you have a court order that states "300 miles", then that is your arrangement. The thing that is predicating this move which completely sucks for your son is his stepfather's job "transfer". You've already accepted a status quo where your son lives with the mother and step-father during the week, and therefore the court would likely allow the move as a last resort. Has the stepfather looked for equivalent work in Syracuse or elsewhere within a 282,743 square miles around of where you live?

I let me ex-wife break a 100km arrangement and move to California because my child was 13 at the time and absolutely loved it in California, and frankly, we were looking to get out of the Niagara region. My wife has family in California and it would worked out fine for us. From a tax perspective we were thinking of living in Reno-Tahoe where the housing is incredibly cheap and the state taxes were quite low compared to Canada. That would have put us at a 2 hour commute to Sacremento every weekend, completely doable. I can live and work anywhere in North America and I actually transferred my position to have a manager on the west coast and was working in the Bay Area when all of this went down. But had she told me she was going to move to Florida or anywhere else, the answer would have been "no".

A four year old boy can't state a preference. All you really need to do is present your case and what your "plan of care" would be with your son. What school will he go to? Who will take care of him while you're at work? How does he get back and forth to school? What family members will take care of him? Think about what his life would look like living with you, put it down on paper, and take that to court. Your wife will do the same, and the court will decide what's best for the kid.

If the ex loses, well guess what? SHE has to make the flying plans, pay the support, and make a decision to stay with her ex or not. It's her emotional pain, not yours. The kid's situation sucks either way, but why does it have to suck more for you? Because you're willing to bend and she ain't?

Kids are amazingly resilient, true that is. But you don't have to get f***ed up the a** in this. You divorced your wife for a reason. Her emotional shit is her emotional shit. You've got a court order that says she can't move. So respect the ORDER.
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
SOOPOO
SOOPOO
Joined: Aug 8, 2010
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April 21st, 2013 at 12:50:07 PM permalink
Quote: Face

I could try to force her to stay in NY, but that would destroy her marriage


Thanks SOOPOO (might as well put you on retainer ;) lol) We do have an agreement, itís 300 miles.



Ok... here goes.... I feel mean saying this , but this is a no-brainer for me. I politely tell my ex... "Honey, we put that 300 mile thing in our agreement so we would both have a reasonable opportunity to be in our son's life. Surely you must have told the guy you were thinking about marrying about it! If he really cares about you and your son, he will understand that you cannot go with him. If he cares enough about you he will figure out a way to stay. But under no circumstances will my son be moved thousands of miles from me, his loving father. I hope you two can work it out."
You can always offer her the option of moving and your son staying with you, granting her liberal visitation opportunities. If you believe that him living with you is not a real feasible option, due to your job, lifestyle, etc... then don't ask for what you really don't want. If you are prepared to be the sole custodial parent, then, just enforce the 300 mile deal you agreed to.
I think, ESPECIALLY since you don't like the guy, that standing your ground is the only option.....
1BB
1BB
Joined: Oct 10, 2011
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April 21st, 2013 at 1:03:22 PM permalink
There are two sides to every story. I wish we could what your ex has to say. Best of luck, Face.
Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth. - Mahatma Ghandi

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