Face
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Face
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January 4th, 2012 at 9:22:05 PM permalink
I hope I don't throw anyone off by using whole words, the lack of caps lock and not making one, huge, wall o' text run on sentence, but here goes.

On Dec 17th, my son went in for surgery. Due to a comedy of miscommunication and misunderstandings, my mother (who has been my rock for many-a year) and her boyfriend (who I very much like and is fantastic with my son) were physically escorted from the hospital by Security at my request. I haven't spoken to either of them since.

On Dec 24th, the Spirit of Traffic Laws punched me right in the taint with my first speeding ticket in a car in 10 years. On Xmas Eve.

On Dec 25th, I didn't receive so much as a card or an "I love you" from my wife. I also missed the family Xmas and my grandma's birthday as a result of Dec 17th.

On Dec 27th, she asked me to leave so "she could think". My "family house" I found to be occupied, forcing me to move in with my father and his g/f, who is going through quite a serious illness. I'm sleeping in a storeroom, but it's better than my Silverado.

On Dec 28th, I caught hell from work due to the problems my personal life has created in the workplace.

On Dec 30th, I caught a stick right into my open eyeball during hockey.

On Dec 31st, I sent her a big New Years love note, I didn't even get a reply.

Today (Jan 5th? I don't even know anymore), as I prepared to talk to her and really put my heart out there, she took 2 minutes to tell me she hasn't loved me for 2-3 years, had already spoken to a mediator 3 months earlier, already had all our shit divied up, and announced our divorce. All my shit was packed, the TV gone, computer gone, all the new furniture gone, snowblower gone, one of my guns gone, 5/7ths of nighttime tuck-ins, story times, and other time with my son gone, 17% of my paycheck, just gone. 10.5 years of blood, sweat and tears, side by side, working through incredible hardships, gone. The marriage all of our friends wanted theirs to be like... gone.

I am doing...well, I suppose. At least as well as one could do. Jan 3rd was my 5 year anni of being off the drink, and I have no urge to start because of this. I'm about 19 months off the drug, and likewise have no urge to start back up. I'm slightly mad at pacomartin for not supplying the advice of "save the trouble of marriage and just find a woman you don't like and buy her a house" sooner, but...whatever. Now I know, and I'm told knowing is half the battle.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this, other than to vent. I might ask FrG to give a shout out for some peace, both in my heart and in my life in general. I might even ask Nareed to do nothing whatsoever, as that has been shown to work miracles. But you know what I'd really ask?

What are the odds?! I'm sure someone has a way to get a number on this, and I'd be interested. I am somewhat infamous for having absolute devil's luck in all manner of things, which eventually gets paid back by what can only be described as a biblical shitstorm of unbelievableness. Since this has been the biggest of such storms, I just want to know where I stand from a numbers standpoint.

I'd try it myself, but the woman who started today as my wife has the computer and I'm posting this from a bloody borrowed Mac. I'm lucky I even got this far on this blasted thing....
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MrV
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January 4th, 2012 at 9:28:26 PM permalink
There is no way to quantify the unquantifiable.
"What, me worry?"
waltomeal
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January 4th, 2012 at 10:55:04 PM permalink
I'm sorry, man. I don't know what else to say.
Old enough to repaint. Young enough to sell.
FleaStiff
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January 4th, 2012 at 11:13:50 PM permalink
You need a divorce lawyer.
Meanwhile, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Your marriage is over. Period.
Your job is in jeopardy because of your inattention. Don't lose it. You need to pay your divorce lawyer.
Hockey? Is that your job?
Your relationship with your mother is over. Period.
You will soon be thrown out of the storeroom. Period.
EvenBob
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January 5th, 2012 at 12:39:14 AM permalink
Your first mistake was leaving the house because
she wants to 'think'. Let her leave if she has thinking
to do. Women think they control everything, because
we let them. Stand up to her, fight for your stuff,
you have the same rights as she does. Get a lawyer
NOW, one who knows what he's doing. Put the fear
of god into your wife, or you'll be living in your car
going WTF happened..

Did you see any of this coming? Was she being nice
to you right up to when she wasn't anymore? What do
you mean 17% of your paycheck, how can she do
that without you knowing about it?
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
RonC
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January 5th, 2012 at 12:44:26 AM permalink
Sucky situation.

Get the best lawyer you can find; don't just let her decide everything. Time is of the essence. My ex kept me away from the kids for two months of cloak and dagger crap on her lawyer's advice--and got away with it (I had to pay full support for that time even though I got joint custody).

You can be fair, of course...but it won't be fair if you don't have the same level of lawyer (or better) that she does. She does not get to dictate fair (neither do you).

Take care of yourself...your job is important. Talk to someone who can listen and give good advice.

Good luck!!
HotBlonde
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January 5th, 2012 at 1:03:15 AM permalink
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. It's unfortunate that all these things happened right around the same time but I would suggest not reading into it. Just a bad series of coincidences. I don't know what to say in regards to your marriage. I myself have never been married and have no kids of my own so I can't offer any help here. It may seem easy to let this all get to you but you're doing a good job by not using a controlled substance because you know deep down inside that won't solve a damn thing.

If you're a believer of the idea that things happen for a reason then somehow through this cloud of confusion you may be able to see how things will work out in its own way. I wish you well. Keep your head up.
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
odiousgambit
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January 5th, 2012 at 2:55:54 AM permalink
Your wife might just be right about one thing: this marriage might as well be over. I am sorry to see that she is maneuvering so wickedly about "who gets what" and all the other wicked-witch stuff; I especially hate to see women use the kid as a weapon, which she seems to be doing. Often they care more about the son-as-pawn than son-as-son [I've seen this played out and the consequences]. She seems unloveable. But you love her? It is possible to love someone and realize you can't live with them. She has thrown down the gauntlet, I agree totally with the advice about a divorce lawyer.

She owns the house in her name only?
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!”   She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
DJTeddyBear
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January 5th, 2012 at 5:05:13 AM permalink
That sucks. I'd like to say "Shit happens," but it still sucks.

I'd say the first thing you should do is try to patch things up with your mother. The marriage may be over, and yeah, you need a lawyer, but you also need the support of your mother. Fix that.


Quote: Face

What are the odds?!

50 / 50.

50% of all marriages end in divorce. The other 50% end in death!
I invented a few casino games. Info: http://www.DaveMillerGaming.com/ ————————————————————————————————————— Superstitions are silly, childish, irrational rituals, born out of fear of the unknown. But how much does it cost to knock on wood? 😁
thlf
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January 5th, 2012 at 6:40:47 AM permalink
I'm only responding this way to be a little different than the typical, I'm sorry or get a lawyer. You probably already know all of that.

Back in 1985 I went through similar. Got divorced, was devastated for the first year. Started to get over it, stayed single for 6 more years, but had fun during that 6 years. A lot of fun.
Got remarried. Twenty seven years later I am still married to the second for a total of 20 years. The ex wife is still single. I asked her last year why she never remarried and her answer was that she made a huge mistake and she never found anyone as good as she had it then.
Rewarding yet sad.
Not saying that will happen to you but you never know.
HotBlonde
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January 5th, 2012 at 11:40:23 AM permalink
Quote: DJTeddyBear

50% of all marriages end in divorce.

Just a correction: 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce in America.
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
FrGamble
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January 5th, 2012 at 12:41:29 PM permalink
I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through Face. I promise many shout outs to the man upstairs for some much needed peace in your heart. I think many probably thought of the story of Job in reading your heartwrenching post. I need to give you a shout out as well because you are demonstrating the strength of Job. It sounds like you are staying strong through all this and not even desiring to fall into certain temptations that we all know will only make things worse, keep it up. That same strength will get you through this. Know that you are not alone and that God loves you.
Face
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January 5th, 2012 at 2:29:22 PM permalink
Quote: FleaStiff

...stop feeling sorry for yourself.



10-4. Sometimes one needs a slap in the face to set one to rights. I needed one of those as much as I need the comments of support. Thanks, Flea.

Quote: EvenBob

Did you see any of this coming? Was she being nice
to you right up to when she wasn't anymore?



See it coming? We had problems, but don't all young marriages, young parents? None of the Big Problems, like infidelity, trust, money, just little shit like time and schedule conflicts. Life stress, nothing more. We've battled side by side though depressions, job issues, body image issues, addiction, death of parents, finances...we made it through it all, every battle only made us stronger. I sure thought we were fine; things to work on sure, but nothing that could break us. We were still making plans for vacations, son's schooling, retirements, all that stuff, right up until I left. Then *poof*. Smoke dissipates, mirrors shatter.

Quote: FrGamble

I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through Face.



Thank you, Father. Also waltomeal, RonC, thlf, DJ, HotBlonde, OG, those that sent PM's, thanks to you all. It's very strange how people can form relationships such as this, how comfort can come from anonymity, how people can feel for someone who is but words on a page. But this helps, more than I could convey. I purged a lot of friends, all but two, really, through the sobriety process, and my wife has been it for years now. With no one to turn to and with counselsing a few days out, this outlet may just have been a life saver.

If I may return the favor of advice, it would be to never let a problem "go away". Problems are like a chip in your paint. You can forget about it, ignore it, put a band aid on it, but it's still there. It'll still rust, it'll still eat from the inside out, and one day it'll just fall apart leaving you holding a handful of worthless dust, a shadow of what once was. Whatever problems there are in your life, fix them now. One day, you'll be out of tomorrows.
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EvenBob
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January 5th, 2012 at 2:43:26 PM permalink
Quote: Face

We were still making plans for vacations, son's schooling, retirements, all that stuff, right up until I left. Then *poof*. Smoke dissipates, mirrors shatter.



Stephen Hawking has been divorced twice and
I read today he says he can figure out why black
holes exist, but he can't figure out women. What
do women want? Freud himself didn't know. My
theory is, the women themselves don't know what
they want, or it changes so often they can't keep
up with it. You can go crazy figuring out how women
think, my advice is not to bother. Life is too short..
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
boymimbo
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January 5th, 2012 at 2:49:01 PM permalink
Well, December 17th was probably the catalyst to all of this, with the stress of the event taking its tolls in alot of other ways. Your son's ordeal affects different people in different ways. So, the events of the 24th, 28th, and 30th are just part of that. When things are very stressful, things tend to break. January (I believe) is the worst month for breakups -- it's after the holiday season in a very depressing part of the year. Unresolved frustrations boiling over from the stress of the holidays tend to be a big part of this.

As for your situation now, there is no reason why you shouldn't have 50% access to your son. Fight for that. It'll be worth it. It will also reduce your support payment. Just because she went to a mediator doesn't mean you have to agree with it. Get a divorce lawyer or agree to an impartial mediator to work out the division of assets, custody, support, and access issues. She doesn't just get to keep whatever she wants to keep and do whatever she wants. You have rights. Exercise them.

You probably also deserve to hear why. Was she cheating on you? What did you do incorrectly, if anything. She's being cold.

And take care of yourself!!!
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
AZDuffman
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January 5th, 2012 at 4:36:36 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

Just a correction: 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce in America.



I have heard this but always wondered if the math was off somehow. Either the actual numbers skew or I know people who stay together at a higher rate.

But to the subject, Face, thoughts are with you. Never been married but been thru other rough patches. Best advice is keep calm and don't do anything stupid. Vent here, we seem to listen. Tell yourself in a year it will be better, it ususally is, and a year is not as long as it seems.
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others
MrV
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January 5th, 2012 at 4:45:04 PM permalink
Hey Face, you need to get to Las Vegas for some much needed "casino therapy."

Immerse yourself in booze ("medication") and broads ("relaxing massage"), and you'll be right as rain.

Just what the doctor ordered.
"What, me worry?"
HotBlonde
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January 5th, 2012 at 5:00:46 PM permalink
Quote: MrV

Hey Face, you need to get to Las Vegas for some much needed "casino therapy."

Immerse yourself in booze ("medication") and broads ("relaxing massage"), and you'll be right as rain.

Just what the doctor ordered.

He's sober, remember?
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
HotBlonde
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January 5th, 2012 at 5:01:30 PM permalink
Quote: MrV

Hey Face, you need to get to Las Vegas for some much needed "casino therapy."

Immerse yourself in booze ("medication") and broads ("relaxing massage"), and you'll be right as rain.

Just what the doctor ordered.

He's sober, remember?
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
RogerKint
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January 5th, 2012 at 5:05:50 PM permalink
Quote: MrV

Hey Face, you need to get to Las Vegas for some much needed "casino therapy."

Immerse yourself in booze ("medication") and broads ("relaxing massage"), and you'll be right as rain.

Just what the doctor ordered.



I don't see how being hungover and broke helps in this situation.

Physician, heal thyself.
100% risk of ruin
MrV
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January 5th, 2012 at 5:32:58 PM permalink
Quote: RogerKint

I don't see how being hungover and broke helps in this situation.



EXCUSE ME!

I thought this was a Las Vegas-themed board.

If you people want to play Dr. Drew, go for it.
"What, me worry?"
RogerKint
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January 5th, 2012 at 5:35:54 PM permalink
Well Dr. Douche was taken so Dr. Drew it is.

Face, even though I don't know you my thoughts are with you.
100% risk of ruin
Face
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January 5th, 2012 at 6:15:09 PM permalink
Quote: boymimbo

You probably also deserve to hear why. Was she cheating on you? What did you do incorrectly, if anything. She's being cold.

And take care of yourself!!!



Probably, but when in history has anyone ever gotten what they deserved, really? She just "doesn't love me anymore". No talk, no work, no counselor, just GTFO. I jumped into this with both feet, same as every other decision I've ever made. And I'll claw my way out of trouble, same as I always have. I have no choice, and while that fact makes it so much more miserable, it makes it all the easier. The only thing I deserve is for me to not give up on myself, nothing more, nothing less. Thanks for your advice, and the taking care has already begun.

Quote: AZDuffman

But to the subject, Face, thoughts are with you. Never been married but been thru other rough patches. Best advice is keep calm and don't do anything stupid. Vent here, we seem to listen. Tell yourself in a year it will be better, it ususally is, and a year is not as long as it seems.



Thank you, AZ. And yes, you all do seem to listen, odd as it sometimes can be. We sure cover a lot as a gambling forum. The not doing anything stupid is at the top of my list. Last I seen Single Face, he was the antithesis of wise decisions. I hope he's been paying attention these last few years. There's no worse war than one with yourself, but I will wage one if needed. I suspect I'll be OK though. One day at a time, no big plans, no rash decisions, this is a path I've tread before. Time will tell if I remember the way.

Quote: MrV

Hey Face, you need to get to Las Vegas for some much needed "casino therapy."

Immerse yourself in booze ("medication") and broads ("relaxing massage"), and you'll be right as rain.

Just what the doctor ordered.



We've got another card counting competition at the end of January, and the prize is another paid trip to Vegas at the end of February. I'm still banging out mid-12 second single decks, so a trip to Vegas just might be.../puts on sunglasses....in the cards ;) A couple hundred dollars of company money, truely free booze supplied by vendors, a week full of thousand dollar dinners and open bars, free rooms...and I'll probably forsake it all to climb to the top of that hill across the street from The M, watch the stars and meditate on life. I'll be sure and give a shout if I make it though, maybe a get together could be had.
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AZDuffman
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January 5th, 2012 at 6:42:39 PM permalink
Quote: Face

Thank you, AZ. And yes, you all do seem to listen, odd as it sometimes can be. We sure cover a lot as a gambling forum. The not doing anything stupid is at the top of my list. Last I seen Single Face, he was the antithesis of wise decisions. I hope he's been paying attention these last few years. There's no worse war than one with yourself, but I will wage one if needed. I suspect I'll be OK though. One day at a time, no big plans, no rash decisions, this is a path I've tread before. Time will tell if I remember the way.



Forums are weird. You can chat the way ou can't chat in person. And they can become a support group for people that don't do support groups. Best advice again is two parts. First, no rash decisions. Stabilize both in a mental and financial sense. Then and only then consider a minor change of scenery. Could be a new part of town or a new town. I know you said you have a kid you will miss, but fewer and longer visits could be an answer. I've seen it so many times, people just see the same places and faces and never get back up. Even the furniture she offered to split. Consider telling her to keep it all. (Tell her you hope she chokes on it if it makes you feel better.) Yes, you will live small for some time, but in the end can be better. I met a guy somewhere once, got cleaned out. Came home and place empty. Said he heard the echo of an empty apartment and knew before he turned on the light. Crazy part was he said it was the best way. I know I felt I had a life going nowhere and moved from NY to Phoenix never saw the state. Some good, some bad (lots) but am the better for it all. Keep your mind right and you will come out on top.
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others
Face
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Face
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January 5th, 2012 at 7:10:17 PM permalink
Quote: AZDuffman

First, no rash decisions. Stabilize both in a mental and financial sense. Then and only then consider a minor change of scenery. Could be a new part of town or a new town. I know you said you have a kid you will miss, but fewer and longer visits could be an answer. I've seen it so many times, people just see the same places and faces and never get back up. Even the furniture she offered to split. Consider telling her to keep it all. (Tell her you hope she chokes on it if it makes you feel better.) Yes, you will live small for some time, but in the end can be better. I met a guy somewhere once, got cleaned out. Came home and place empty. Said he heard the echo of an empty apartment and knew before he turned on the light. Crazy part was he said it was the best way. I know I felt I had a life going nowhere and moved from NY to Phoenix never saw the state. Some good, some bad (lots) but am the better for it all. Keep your mind right and you will come out on top.



Good advice. I won't tell her to choke on it, of course. Other than the fact that that is the mother of my child, hate only harms the one who harbors it. Anger is good. It is fuel, it is motivation,...me and anger have a good thing going, I very much appreciate my anger. Hate is cancer and has no place in my life. It's a weird thing, a fine line to tread. But I get what you're saying ;)

What you just posted is, idea for idea, the process of getting clean. That's why I said I've tread this path before. Hopefully, that will make things easier. Don't plan ahead, don't look too far, just one day at a time. Focus on the goal, put my head down, and one day I'll wake up and be there. It's happened before, I've no doubt it'll happen again.

But isn't the mind a dreadful bastard? Anytime I let it drift, man, right back to the bullshit. I remember my first life struggles, how terrible they were, and looking back, I see how all of my fears and all of the nonsense I keyed in on at the time were inconsequential. In recent struggles, same thing. The terror of addiction, the fears, the racing thoughts, none of which centered on the real, but only the imaginary. Today it seems almost foolish. Yet here I am again, same struggle in a different suit, and my mind's constantly pulling back to the shit that doesn't matter. The how's, the why's, the what-if's....it's normal, yes, but what a thing this mind is. It's almost as if it has it's own conscience, is in control irrespective of one's self, like a thing on loan to the person until it feels a need to waken and exert control. And when it does, always with the bullshit. What a curious thing.
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EvenBob
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January 5th, 2012 at 7:27:56 PM permalink
Quote: Face

Yet here I am again, same struggle in a different suit, and my mind's constantly pulling back to the shit that doesn't matter. The how's, the why's, the what-if's....it's normal, yes, but what a thing this mind is.



Its how you've taught yourself to react to
situations like this. You preprogrammed
yourself. This is what zen tries to teach,
accept what is and move on. Don't dwell
on things you can't change.

One of my favorite zen stories is about
a master who fell over a cliff one day.
He caught a vine halfway down and
was hanging on with one hand. He
spotted a strawberry growing right next
to him and he plucked it and ate it,
remarking to himself how sweet it tasted.

The point of the story is, here's somebody
who's accepted life so completely, that
even when facing certain death, he can
accept it with no regrets or worries, and
enjoy eating a strawberry.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
Face
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January 5th, 2012 at 7:44:02 PM permalink
Quote: EvenBob

Its how you've taught yourself to react to
situations like this. You preprogrammed
yourself. This is what zen tries to teach,
accept what is and move on. Don't dwell
on things you can't change.



I get it, hell, I KNOW it. In our relationship, that's who I was, the compass that pointed the way. She'd flip out, I'd remain calm, absorb it, and give the answer to the problem. The last epic shitstorm I encountered I took all in stride, never waived from my lifes plan, didn't even have a "bad day". I laughed about it, then took to righting it. My gravestone might well be incribed "He kept his head when all around him were losing theirs". I get it, I practice it, I've worked towards honing that trait in myself, and in nearly every situation, I succeed in being so. Yet in some situations, boom, powerless.

But then again, Zen = Monk = celibacy. Gravity's easy. Death likewise. But we're talking women here ;)
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MrV
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January 5th, 2012 at 8:31:43 PM permalink
Quote: Face

I get it, hell, I KNOW it. ... I get it, I practice it, I've worked towards honing that trait in myself, and in nearly every situation, I succeed in being so. Yet in some situations, boom, powerless.

But then again, Zen = Monk = celibacy. Gravity's easy. Death likewise. But we're talking women here ;)



_________________________________


Is That So?

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbors as one living a pure life.

A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child.

This made her parents very angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin.

In great anger the parents went to the master. "Is that so?" was all he would say.

After the child was born it was brought to Hakuin. By this time he had lost his reputation, which did not trouble him, but he took very good care of the child. He obtained milk from his neighbors and everything else the little one needed.

A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth - that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fishmarket.

The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask his forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back again.

Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: "Is that so?"
"What, me worry?"
RogerKint
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January 5th, 2012 at 10:51:54 PM permalink
Did this happen before or after the birth of Christ? Because it's eerily similar. Great insight and behavrior to strive for though.
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FleaStiff
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January 6th, 2012 at 4:09:13 AM permalink
Quote: MrV

The Zen master ...

I never understand anything that starts out "The Zen master". Strange. I did read many decades ago Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
s2dbaker
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January 6th, 2012 at 4:34:36 AM permalink
Oooo, an opportunity for me to earn another toaster!! You've tried heterosexuality and it didn't work out? There's a hot new lifestyle available that (according to some people) you can now choose. Ditch the bitch and make the switch! Gay is the way! You too can know mano a mano love action. Go out to football or hockey games with you buddy and afterwards you can get a different kind of stick in your eye. Depending on the state you live in, you'll never have to worry about a divorce lawyer! What more can you ask for?

just remember to give credit to s2dbaker for recruiting you so that I get the toaster.
Someday, joor goin' to see the name of Googie Gomez in lights and joor goin' to say to joorself, "Was that her?" and then joor goin' to answer to joorself, "That was her!" But you know somethin' mister? I was always her yuss nobody knows it! - Googie Gomez
DJTeddyBear
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January 6th, 2012 at 6:06:41 AM permalink
Quote: MrV

Hey Face, you need to get to Las Vegas for some much needed "casino therapy."

Immerse yourself in booze ("medication") and broads ("relaxing massage"), and you'll be right as rain.

Just what the doctor ordered.

I see no humor in the intended joke here, or the bad jokes that this post encouraged.
I invented a few casino games. Info: http://www.DaveMillerGaming.com/ ————————————————————————————————————— Superstitions are silly, childish, irrational rituals, born out of fear of the unknown. But how much does it cost to knock on wood? 😁
odiousgambit
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January 6th, 2012 at 6:10:02 AM permalink
Quote: s2dbaker

There's a hot new lifestyle available that (according to some people) you can now choose.



Oh, it is a choice then? That's what I thought ![g]

For me to choose it, there is the small problem of naked men disgusting me. How do you get around that one?
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!”   She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
CrystalMath
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January 6th, 2012 at 8:19:42 AM permalink
Quote: odiousgambit

Oh, it is a choice then? That's what I thought ![g]

For me to choose it, there is the small problem of naked men disgusting me. How do you get around that one?



Wow, this got off track.

Face, there are a lot of people on here thinking about you and wishing you well.

Accept the things you cannot change: your wife.
The courage to change the things you can: stay clean, stay positive, fight for your son, amend things with your mother.
The wisdom to know the difference: maybe we can help with that one, who knows.

I went through a divorce about 4 years ago, and it was, at the time, the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now, in hindsight, it was one of the best things to ever happen to me. My marriage was a lesson; a 10 year lesson. Now I'm smarter, stronger, and I'm with the most wonderful woman I can imagine.
I heart Crystal Math.
Face
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January 6th, 2012 at 9:05:02 AM permalink
Quote: s2dbaker

Oooo, an opportunity for me to earn another toaster!! You've tried heterosexuality and it didn't work out? There's a hot new lifestyle available that (according to some people) you can now choose. Ditch the bitch and make the switch! Gay is the way! You too can know mano a mano love action. Go out to football or hockey games with you buddy and afterwards you can get a different kind of stick in your eye. Depending on the state you live in, you'll never have to worry about a divorce lawyer! What more can you ask for?

just remember to give credit to s2dbaker for recruiting you so that I get the toaster.



You know how often we joke about this? Dude, go to games, watch some football, never have to ask how you're feeling, never have to remember dates, always know exactly how the other one feels, could heal any wrong with a beer and a high five, and the only crying is done at the end of sports movies or when a dog dies. I've always heard about the struggle it is being a gay man. Sometimes it seems they're the only ones that got it figured out lol. But alas, I'm stuck wanting something I understand less than molecular biology. Thanks for the laugh =)

Quote: DJTeddyBear

I see no humor in the intended joke here, or the bad jokes that this post encouraged.



Meh, it's ok, DJ, really. Nothing has been said that has in any way made things worse. One needs people there to lean on, to empathize. One needs to know there's someone who will always be there no matter what. One needs someone who will drop the BS and give it to you straight. And yes, one needs someone that doesn't give a rip about your problem, but if you want to forget about it and go party, then they'll be there for that. Life takes all kinds, and all comments are welcome.

Quote: CrystalMath

Face, there are a lot of people on here thinking about you and wishing you well.

Accept the things you cannot change: your wife.
The courage to change the things you can: stay clean, stay positive, fight for your son, amend things with your mother.
The wisdom to know the difference: maybe we can help with that one, who knows.

I went through a divorce about 4 years ago, and it was, at the time, the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now, in hindsight, it was one of the best things to ever happen to me. My marriage was a lesson; a 10 year lesson. Now I'm smarter, stronger, and I'm with the most wonderful woman I can imagine.



Thank you CrystalMath. I expected comments, some stories of your own personal struggles, maybe some advice, but the personal level most have taken with their care and support was unexpected. It has been very centering and much appreciated.

Updates to come, but right now it's a beautiful, sunny, 35 degree day, and there's 30 acres of woods calling my name. Some fresh winter air is just what the doctor ordered. And burning a box of .40cal couldn't hurt either =)
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MrV
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January 6th, 2012 at 9:05:10 AM permalink
Quote: DJTeddyBear

I see no humor in the intended joke here...



I wasn't joking.

Las Vegas was invented for times like this.
"What, me worry?"
HotBlonde
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January 6th, 2012 at 12:11:00 PM permalink
I learned from my "Why Do Cheating Men Get Married?" thread that cheating is more common than I thought.

I learned from this thread that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I'm starting to look at what seems to be my forever state of singlehood as a blessing, not a curse.

I joined this site to fellowship with other Vegas fanatics and instead have gotten a lot more out of it than I expected.
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
EvenBob
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January 6th, 2012 at 1:00:53 PM permalink
Quote: Face

I've always heard about the struggle it is being a gay man.



You're wife found out you were Gay? Dude, thats why
she left, mystery solved. I'll send you my bill...
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
Face
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January 6th, 2012 at 1:42:00 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

I learned from my "Why Do Cheating Men Get Married?" thread that cheating is more common than I thought.
I learned from this thread that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I'm starting to look at what seems to be my forever state of singlehood as a blessing, not a curse.
I joined this site to fellowship with other Vegas fanatics and instead have gotten a lot more out of it than I expected.



Well get one more thing out of it, if you would...

Don't let the tales of horror be the primary lesson you take away. We all focus on the bad, it's human nature. Plus, these threads are specifically aimed at the worst of the worst. Don't ever assume this is what will happen, or what must.

To use an analogy I'm familiar with, I've always been heavy into sports, into danger, into the extreme life experiences. In my late teens I suffered a brutal car wreck and sustained a severe concussion, my third of such severity and my 7th overall. I went through memory loss, emotional issues, mental instability, the whole gamut. I still suffer side effects to this day. It was at that point the doc said no more. No more football, no more hockey, no more snowboarding, the next knock to my dome could very well be my last.

Of course, I didn't listen. I've since broken both my wrists, snapped my hand in two resulting in the loss of a full inch of it, torn my rotator to the point I can no longer really throw, and made it through 12 more concussions. I wake up every day in pain, I go about my day in pain, a fall asleep to pain. At times, I dream about pain. Me and pain is like peas and carrots.

And, ya know, if I could go back in time, I'd do it all over again. I look back at all of what I've done since that day the doc told me no mas... and the good is what I remember. The snowboard trips with friends and holding a girls hand on a ski lift, being the only guy to jump the spine on a quad, being the only guy to have done a wheelie for over a mile, the only one who dared go 170 on I86, all the hockey tournaments, the emotions I felt within, the camaraderie with my teammates,...that is what gives my life value, that is what makes me "Me". I cried for a month, even in my sleep, over the pain of that rotator injury. Today, it is but a wisp, a ghost. I remember it happening, but I don't feel it, can't even remember what it feels like. I can remember the games I played through, though. The plays made, the playoff run, the faces of my friends from 12 years ago as if they stood before me today, but that pain doesn't exist anymore.

So, too, shall this pain of divorce fade. Someday soon I'll wake up to sunshine and 70*. The cottonwood will be blooming, the peepers will be chirping, the cicadas will be buzzing, and life will be good. The pain fades, and I'll remember the good. How this woman transformed my life for the better, and how I have a beautiful son as a result. Someday soon, I might even find another someone. And given half a chance, I'd do it all over again. Nobody ever gained anything from sitting on the sidelines.

If singlehood is what you dig, then dig it and love it. If you want to find love, then never stop trying. Whatever you want in life is yours for the taking, but never, ever, let fear guide you. Caution, yes, trepidation, yes, these will keep you safe. Fear will only leave you frozen as life passes you by. Fear is a punk bitch like the Wizard of Oz, all imposing and scary, but is really just a pathetic little thing hiding behind illusion. Give fear the finger and go live your life =)
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HotBlonde
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January 6th, 2012 at 2:41:17 PM permalink
Quote: Face

Whatever you want in life is yours for the taking, but never, ever, let fear guide you. Caution, yes, trepidation, yes, these will keep you safe. Fear will only leave you frozen as life passes you by. Fear is a punk bitch like the Wizard of Oz, all imposing and scary, but is really just a pathetic little thing hiding behind illusion. Give fear the finger and go live your life =)

Thanks, Face, for the advice. I do agree with you on your ideas on fear. I've learned that fear is nothing less than an illusion. I'm 34 years old and never pursued my musical passions like I had always wanted to, I always became discouraged by my own fearful thoughts. "I can never do what they do", "Who am I kidding to think I could ever really have the kind of success I want?", "People will laugh at me", "There's no way I could ever have the right amount of skills and talent to do that", etc., etc. It seemed easier and more logical to take the easy road, to settle for less, but my heart will never be happy if I do that.

One story that sticks with me and that I will never forget is a story Katie shares in her book "I Need Your Love... Is That True?" (I don't know if I shared this story here on the site before but I'll share it again here). This is in Katie's words:

"My life was like this fable: I walked into the Mohave Desert on a gorgeous day, minding my own business. Suddenly, Oh my God! - there's a big fat Mojave Green rattlesnake directly in front of me. And I had almost stepped on him! No one around for miles and this could be a painful, slow death. My heart was beathing to pop out of my chest, my brow had broken into a sweat, I was paralyzed by fear.
But then, and I don't know how it happened, my eyes began to focus. I dared another glance at the snake - and miraculously, I saw:
It's a rope! That snake is a rope! Well, I fell to the ground and began to laugh, cry, and to just take it in. I even had to poke it.
What had happened? I knew one thing. I was safe. I knew that I could stand over that rope for a thousand years and never be frightened of it again. I felt such gratitude and ease. The entire world could come upon this snake, scream, run away, have heart attacks, scare themselves to death - and I could just remain here fearlessly, and pass on the good news. I would understand people's fears, see their pain, hear their stories about why it really is a snake, and yet there would be no way that I could believe them or be frightened of that rope. I had fallen into the simple truth:
That snake is a rope."

Even in writing the above, I get a little choked up. What freedom! Fear only exists in your mind! I've been reading Katie for a few years now, and even though I'm not as far along in as I'd like to be in regards to thinking like her consistently, I do try to catch myself when I fall into negative thought patterns. I can take these thoughts that don't feel right for me and ask myself, "Is this true? Is it true that people will laugh at me? Is it true that I can never really have the kind of success I want?" The simple truth is I can't know that. Yet I've been scaring myself with these thoughts as though they were true or could ever be true. Even if I try and people laugh at me... Can I really know why they're laughing at me? Could they feel threatened by me and are feeling insecure about themselves? Can they be believing their own untrue thoughts?

Anyway, I'm excited about my life. I'm reading Brian Tracy's GOALS! book and it's amazing to think that we really can accomplish anything we dream of. And although I adopted the thoughts that my parents subscribe to (it's obvious by looking at their lives that they've believed these and similar negative thoughts their whole lives), I am responsible for what I believe and I can choose not to attach to these lies. These lies do nothing but confuse us and do more harm than good!
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
Face
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January 6th, 2012 at 4:01:25 PM permalink
You're welcome, HB. Go chase your dreams. As an aside, thanks for changing your sig line. Being a child of the 80's, there is only one Master of the Universe. Unless, of course, you've been imbued with the power of Greyskull ;)

Speaking of fears, keeping ones self busy, trying new things and enjoying life, I've a hockey tourney come the end of the month. As if that's not good enough, it's in Lake Placid. Road trip, mountains, week full of friends and good times, can't wait. As if that wasn't good enough, we'll play on the same rink as the 1980 Miracle on Ice. As a hockey fan, does it get any better than that? Yes it does! It's at Olympic Park, and I just done set myself up for a skeleton run! Are you kidding me? I can't even believe they allow civilians to do this. 20 more days, and this will be me....



Oh, if the doctor could see me now ;) And for the first time in a decade, I didn't even have to ask for permission =)
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Ayecarumba
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January 6th, 2012 at 4:42:40 PM permalink
I'm sorry to hear about your really bad experiences lately Face. Though I don't know you personally, you have a gift for writing, and if you are genuine in your sharing, I would like to encourage you to do consider something very, very difficult... fight for your marriage.

There were vows exchanged when you became husband and wife. They were more than words, they were designed to be a solid foundation to allow you two to weather these types of hurricanes. Reclaim them, renew them, honor them. Work for reconcilliation.

I have seen folks divorce citing very similar circumstances, only to find that their "feelings" later changed. It won't be easy, but please consider it.
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication - Leonardo da Vinci
MrV
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January 6th, 2012 at 4:56:05 PM permalink
Quote: Face

I've always been heavy into sports, into danger, into the extreme life experiences. In my late teens I suffered a brutal car wreck and sustained a severe concussion, my third of such severity and my 7th overall. I went through memory loss, emotional issues, mental instability, the whole gamut. I've since broken both my wrists, snapped my hand in two resulting in the loss of a full inch of it, torn my rotator to the point I can no longer really throw, and made it through 12 more concussions. I wake up every day in pain, I go about my day in pain, a fall asleep to pain. At times, I dream about pain. Me and pain is like peas and carrots.



Forget going to Las Vegas to forget about her; strap on a wingsuit.

whoa
"What, me worry?"
Face
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January 6th, 2012 at 5:18:09 PM permalink
Quote: Ayecarumba

I'm sorry to hear about your really bad experiences lately Face. Though I don't know you personally, you have a gift for writing, and if you are genuine in your sharing, I would like to encourage you to do consider something very, very difficult... fight for your marriage.

There were vows exchanged when you became husband and wife. They were more than words, they were designed to be a solid foundation to allow you two to weather these types of hurricanes. Reclaim them, renew them, honor them. Work for reconcilliation.

I have seen folks divorce citing very similar circumstances, only to find that their "feelings" later changed. It won't be easy, but please consider it.



Thank you Aye for the compliment.

I tell ya, if she came to me and admitted a mistake, I'd take her back in a heartbeat with no conditions other than counseling to help us through. We dated for 7 years and she asked me to marry her 2.5 years into it. It took 5 years for me to commit, but when I did, I went all in. My pledge, my vows, the promises I made to her late father, they were more than words. I made a life promise in front of everyone, to both her and myself, that I'd never give up, never stop fighting. I understood how serious marriage was, and that day I committed my life to it. Failure was not an option.

But this isn't me. I can't fix other people. If there was a way I could shoulder her load and carry her across the finish line, it would be done. If there was work I needed to do on myself, I'd do it and then some. Forget getting back together, I'd not stop until we had the best marriage in the history of the world. But I can't. It's her, and that part of her broke. I always felt her love ran even truer than mine, that she understood what marriage meant even more than I, but...she just doesn't love me anymore. I don't see a whole lot that I could do to change that.
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Ayecarumba
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January 6th, 2012 at 5:30:28 PM permalink
Quote: Face

Thank you Aye for the compliment.

I tell ya, if she came to me and admitted a mistake, I'd take her back in a heartbeat with no conditions other than counseling to help us through. We dated for 7 years and she asked me to marry her 2.5 years into it. It took 5 years for me to commit, but when I did, I went all in. My pledge, my vows, the promises I made to her late father, they were more than words. I made a life promise in front of everyone, to both her and myself, that I'd never give up, never stop fighting. I understood how serious marriage was, and that day I committed my life to it. Failure was not an option.

But this isn't me. I can't fix other people. If there was a way I could shoulder her load and carry her across the finish line, it would be done. If there was work I needed to do on myself, I'd do it and then some. Forget getting back together, I'd not stop until we had the best marriage in the history of the world. But I can't. It's her, and that part of her broke. I always felt her love ran even truer than mine, that she understood what marriage meant even more than I, but...she just doesn't love me anymore. I don't see a whole lot that I could do to change that.



You are welcome. It is true that you cannot make someone feel. However, I encourage you to let her know that you are sincerely committed to working things out, and are willing to wait for her. Then wait... faithfully. It may take a long time, but hopefully things will get back to being friends again... then take it a step at a time from there.

I wish all three of you the best. Unfortunately, it will get worse before it gets better... but it will get better. Hang in there.
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication - Leonardo da Vinci
EvenBob
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January 6th, 2012 at 5:30:52 PM permalink
Quote: Face

but...she just doesn't love me anymore. I don't see a whole lot that I could do to change that.



You mean she chooses not to love you anymore.
Love isn't something we have no control over. And
what does love have to do with marriage. They
say the lust that we mistake for love lasts for
the first 6 months of a relationship. From then
on its about liking the person, and respecting
them. Your wife sounds like she doesn't want
to be married anymore, and you probably have
little to do with it. She's using the love thing as
her excuse to do what she wants.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
Face
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January 6th, 2012 at 6:13:12 PM permalink
Quote: Ayecarumba

You are welcome. It is true that you cannot make someone feel. However, I encourage you to let her know that you are sincerely committed to working things out, and are willing to wait for her. Then wait... faithfully. It may take a long time, but hopefully things will get back to being friends again... then take it a step at a time from there.

I wish all three of you the best. Unfortunately, it will get worse before it gets better... but it will get better. Hang in there.



I won't lie... that's a tall order. I have been working extra hard not to let my intense anger at her turn into hate. That is the mother of my son, and I have many years of dealing with her. It's in my son's best interest that I/we keep it civil, and I think I/we can do that. Being friends? Maybe. It's hard to imagine right now, but my rational mind can see that as a possibility. But to keep myself open and wait, to purposely keep that wound open only to have it poked over and over... I'm not sure how long I could take it, or how much personal damage I could cause myself by doing so. Maybe if she gave some inclination about restoring our marriage, maybe. But...one day at a time. Eventually I'll come to that fork in the road, and we will see what we shall see
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Face
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January 6th, 2012 at 6:23:58 PM permalink
Quote: MrV

Forget going to Las Vegas to forget about her; strap on a wingsuit.

whoa



Child support or no, that's above my pay grade, MrV. Unless you're buying, in which case, when and where? ;)

Perhaps come February, this epic shitstorm will have given way to my typical devil's luck and I'll get lucky enough in Vegas to afford such a rush. If not, well, I could always jump off the Strat on the company dime =)
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1BB
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January 7th, 2012 at 4:17:13 AM permalink
Quote: Face

I hope I don't throw anyone off by using whole words, the lack of caps lock and not making one, huge, wall o' text run on sentence, but here goes.

On Dec 17th, my son went in for surgery. Due to a comedy of miscommunication and misunderstandings, my mother (who has been my rock for many-a year) and her boyfriend (who I very much like and is fantastic with my son) were physically escorted from the hospital by Security at my request. I haven't spoken to either of them since.

On Dec 24th, the Spirit of Traffic Laws punched me right in the taint with my first speeding ticket in a car in 10 years. On Xmas Eve.

On Dec 25th, I didn't receive so much as a card or an "I love you" from my wife. I also missed the family Xmas and my grandma's birthday as a result of Dec 17th.

On Dec 27th, she asked me to leave so "she could think". My "family house" I found to be occupied, forcing me to move in with my father and his g/f, who is going through quite a serious illness. I'm sleeping in a storeroom, but it's better than my Silverado.

On Dec 28th, I caught hell from work due to the problems my personal life has created in the workplace.

On Dec 30th, I caught a stick right into my open eyeball during hockey.

On Dec 31st, I sent her a big New Years love note, I didn't even get a reply.

Today (Jan 5th? I don't even know anymore), as I prepared to talk to her and really put my heart out there, she took 2 minutes to tell me she hasn't loved me for 2-3 years, had already spoken to a mediator 3 months earlier, already had all our shit divied up, and announced our divorce. All my shit was packed, the TV gone, computer gone, all the new furniture gone, snowblower gone, one of my guns gone, 5/7ths of nighttime tuck-ins, story times, and other time with my son gone, 17% of my paycheck, just gone. 10.5 years of blood, sweat and tears, side by side, working through incredible hardships, gone. The marriage all of our friends wanted theirs to be like... gone.

I am doing...well, I suppose. At least as well as one could do. Jan 3rd was my 5 year anni of being off the drink, and I have no urge to start because of this. I'm about 19 months off the drug, and likewise have no urge to start back up. I'm slightly mad at pacomartin for not supplying the advice of "save the trouble of marriage and just find a woman you don't like and buy her a house" sooner, but...whatever. Now I know, and I'm told knowing is half the battle.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this, other than to vent. I might ask FrG to give a shout out for some peace, both in my heart and in my life in general. I might even ask Nareed to do nothing whatsoever, as that has been shown to work miracles. But you know what I'd really ask?

What are the odds?! I'm sure someone has a way to get a number on this, and I'd be interested. I am somewhat infamous for having absolute devil's luck in all manner of things, which eventually gets paid back by what can only be described as a biblical shitstorm of unbelievableness. Since this has been the biggest of such storms, I just want to know where I stand from a numbers standpoint.

I'd try it myself, but the woman who started today as my wife has the computer and I'm posting this from a bloody borrowed Mac. I'm lucky I even got this far on this blasted thing....



I'm going to say what others have been thinking. The more I read this thread the more it sounds like a hoax. I agree with Ayecarumba, you do have a gift for writing.

Face, I'm fairly certain that if you were reading this about someone other than yourself that it may not pass your smell test. I respectfully wish you the very best with all your problems.
Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth. - Mahatma Ghandi
Face
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January 7th, 2012 at 12:52:20 PM permalink
Quote: 1BB

I'm going to say what others have been thinking. The more I read this thread the more it sounds like a hoax. I agree with Ayecarumba, you do have a gift for writing.

Face, I'm fairly certain that if you were reading this about someone other than yourself that it may not pass your smell test. I respectfully wish you the very best with all your problems.



Yeah, I can see that. It is kind of extraordinary, almost too hard to look at as true. But that's why I posted it. It's kind of weird posting something so personal, but when this happened I had nowhere to go. Mom was on block, Pops was busy with hospital runs, my counselor was a few days out...with such an all encompassing catastrophe, I could not hold it in. I've been through stuff I couldn't handle and have held it in in the past. It gets really, really messy. Rather than do that again, I came here.

I don't know what else to say. I know this is just an anonymous forum and people take liberties with trust and honesty, but I'd have to be some kind of quasi-Munchausen, unstable individual to ask for such support and to weave such a yarn, for no other reason than I want attention. I'm often called crazy, but not THAT kind of crazy ;)

I take no offense. As I said, it IS out there and it IS kind of weird to get so personal. I thank you for your well wishes, and thanks again to all those who've given me their support and an outlet to vent.
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