A Different Relationship Thread

I believed you, why would you lie. People don't
usually lie about stuff like this, what would be
the point.

Quote: EvenBob

I believed you, why would you lie. People don't
usually lie about stuff like this, what would be
the point.

I don't know the point, but we've got to admit, there has been some tall tales here on WoV. People here seem question the suspicious to get to the bottom of things often, I just took his suspicion as more of the same.

It was a lot more tactful than some of the other challenges placed on people's integrity. I assume my post history will speak for my honesty.

Well, I'm back to pick your minds again. I hope some of those that have given their experiences will chime in again. This one might be tough; everyone here's real good in a literal, black and white sense, but this one goes more towards the emotional.

We had our first real mediation today where the agreement starts to form on who gets what. Throughout the previous days and up through most of today, my wife has been quite magnanimous. She wasn't out to block visits with my son, to put or even attempt to put strenuous restrictions on anything, and also was going easy on the financial aspect. That is, until the end, where she shit a chicken.

The custody went well. Both of us were happy with what had been put to paper and also agreed between ourselves to be open and flexible. Our life insurances we just went yours is yours, mine is mine. The car debt went the same. When it came to costs to come, such as child's healthcare and support payments, NYS has declared 17% of our gross to be the "cost of child". As I make more than her, that 17% is split 55% / 45%. For all of these costs, she decided we will just do 50/50. All was well and good. Then came the retirements...

She has been accruing retirement from NYS for 7 years, 4 of which we've been married for. I, on the other hand, have none whatsoever. When the mediator brought it up, she attempted to skip it but I requested to know what was there. Boy, did the devil come out. She flipped on me asking how I could go after that and said I was being vindictive. I told her I didn't say anything about anything, I just wanted to know how much was there. The mediator just looked at her and said it was as much mine as it was hers. She went on saying how SHE put that away and that was something that was HERS, that we were SUPPOSED to keep this process clean, just going off. So I said "look, I know that's what YOU did, but that money was part of OUR money. Rather than me put some of "my" money away, I put every dime into our life. The new kitchen you wanted, the hardwood floors you wanted, the new roof, all the credit card debt we wanted gone, every bill and dime I had went to "us". I sold my bike, that money went to bills. I won a brand new iPad, sold it and the money went to bills. Sold my fourwheeler and the money went to bills. Money I got in Vegas, brought it home and went to bills. I could have squirreled it away, and what I would have had then now would be half yours. Instead, I put it into us and our home, and THAT stuff is still half yours." You know, just putting things into perspective and trying to get her to understand that I wasn't being an a-hole, I just wanted everything on the table. She cut me off, at this point crying and through clenched teeth, with more my-my-my talk and the mediator cut her right down. He said her thinking was flawed, just as "my" money that went into the house, "my" boat, "my" Glock, "my" whatever is half hers, her retirement, too, is half mine.

So here's the advice part. What would YOU do? I know by rights and by law, I am entitled to half of whatever that is. But I'm not sure if "going after it" would be more detrimental to our future in trying to keep civil than it would be to me financially if I let it go. As it stands, once we sell the house, assuming we get what it's worth (had it sold a year ago for asking price, but we declined) we will both be pretty square. Mortgage, credit cards, everything will be gone and I'll be left with only my truck/insurance stuff. And with the previous financial stuff discussed earlier, I will do OK on my own. But I don't know. I'm confident I'm not doing this for revenge, but I'm back to square one like I'm fresh out of school. I'm having a hard time telling myself I should let it go. A grand or two between us might be worth it to me to let go and avoid the tension, but the more I look into it, the more I'm coming up with a number close to $10k, double that if she had matching contributions. I don't know if I can give away several thousand dollars and not hate myself down the road.

Comments?

Quote: Face

So here's the advice part. What would YOU do? I know by rights and by law, I am entitled to half of whatever that is. But I'm not sure if "going after it" would be more detrimental to our future in trying to keep civil than it would be to me financially if I let it go. As it stands, once we sell the house, assuming we get what it's worth (had it sold a year ago for asking price, but we declined) we will both be pretty square. Mortgage, credit cards, everything will be gone and I'll be left with only my truck/insurance stuff. And with the previous financial stuff discussed earlier, I will do OK on my own. But I don't know. I'm confident I'm not doing this for revenge, but I'm back to square one like I'm fresh out of school. I'm having a hard time telling myself I should let it go. A grand or two between us might be worth it to me to let go and avoid the tension, but the more I look into it, the more I'm coming up with a number close to $10k, double that if she had matching contributions. I don't know if I can give away several thousand dollars and not hate myself down the road.

Comments?

I read divorces all the time in my business, talk about souring a person on marrige. Though I digress it does give me prespective.

Figuring the value she owed you is fairly simple. If it is a traditional pension just call the employer and find out what she would get if she is vested and quit tomorrow then took payments at age 65 or whenever eligibility is. Then take how far out it is for to collect (I didn't catch your ages.) Then do a NPV for an annuity of "x" per month in "y" years. That is the "fair" way to value it, not based on contributions. If it is a 401(k) you are going to have to figure the value less the 40% early withdrawl penalty then your fair portion.

This is all from college finance and there could be other ways to value it. But the value is simple. (Total Value) * (Your share as a % under state law.)

Now, for what to do with it. You have what is known as "a bargaining chip" or "good hole cards" or any other term for having something over her. First thing is to remember that you can use this to get her to give something up. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO DO THIS! By your story here, this was all her idea. So if she wants the divorce she needs to pay for what she wants.

Remember, women have this thing where the guy's money is "our money" but their money is "their money." Screw that.

How far to push it?

Push too far and she can easily mess up things with your child. So make it realistic. First, don't make it anything about the kid. That will backfire. Keep it financial.

Can you set it so if the house sells low she eats it but if it sells high you split it? Are there some personal items you want? BTW: unless it was yours personally I *still* say tell her to keep it and choke on it <figuratively.> Your life "together" is over, best to get your mind right, a new TV is better anyways.

Just get a value then be prepared to take say 60% of that value. Push for 100% right until the end. Act like giving it back is the last thing you want to do. Then give in when you get what you want.

Oh, and this is BIG. Whatever you do, and this is in caps for a reason, MAKE SURE YOU SPECIFY WHO GETS TO DEDUCT YOUR CHILD AS A DEPENDENT AT TAX TIME! Do not take anything less than every other year. If you are paying more, push for it all! Consider this as the throw-away on the pension. If you do not do this as far as the IRS is concerned it is "right of first capture." I have seen people run, not trot, to HR Block to file first. And learn they did not!

You are correct, that half is yours. It is fair that you get your share. I'm confident an amicable settlement amount can be reached (after cooler heads prevail). She can pay you out of her half of the proceeds from the house, or work out a payment schedule over time. In the long run $10k - $15k is not a life changing amount. You could put it toward your son's college fund.

Use the retirement money as leverage. You are so
far away from retirement that it really doesn't
matter. And I don't know how you figure it can
be worth hundreds of thousands. Every divorce
I've ever seen, the pension gets frozen for the
ex spouse, if you'll get 200 a month now, it'll
still be 200 a month at age 62. It doesn't continue
to grow like her's will because nothing more will
be added to it. So find something you want her
to do, or another asset you can bargain for, and
use the pension as a leverage tool. You're
retirement is 35 years from now, be realistic.

Thank you AZ, that's a hell of a reply. I didn't know how to figure it out, I assumed the guys running this show would know. For what it's worth, my original thought was to not touch it (a lot of hassle, the sting of "taking" what's "hers", and the possible penalties for early withdrawl) but to definately use it as leverage. As for my boy, hell no, I wouldn't think of even hinting that he was going to be a part of this discussion. Hopefully this issue hasn't pushed her to thinking that.

After feeling and you guys confirming that I should act on it, though, I believe I have some thinking to do. There's not much stuff to barter for to make up that amount, especially if I dump the furniture to her. I suppose I'll figure it out, maybe like what you said to get a larger share of the house money or something, I dunno. I'm not even asking for "fair", I just want something to offset the costs of starting over. That's not unreasonable, is it?

Then again, her generosity in doing a 50/50 vs a 55/45 saves me $20 a week. That's over $15k saved by the time the support is over, which may well be more than her total retirment money thus far. Perhaps just by asking I already shot myself in the foot =/

FABULOUS advice on the taxes. Never not once did that cross my mind. I might owe someone a steak dinner next time they brave I-86 for the trip north ;)


EB - I said $10k, maybe double if she had matching contributions, not $100k lol. If it was $100k we'd have had so much money I could care less about her taking the furniture or threatening my piddly little $1,500 boat ;)

Quote: Face

EB - I said $10k, maybe double if she had matching contributions, not $100k lol. If it was $100k we'd have had so much money I could care less about her taking the furniture or threatening my piddly little $1,500 boat ;)

You're right, I misread it. But the rest is still true,
the pension is stuck where it is for you when you
get divorced. She obviously wants all of it, so find
something you want and do a trade.

Wow. Just read through all this. Am sorry to
hear it and what you have been going through.

I would bet that you will make it through this.
I'd also bet that it won't be easy. But you know
all that.

If any consolation, maybe some good can
come from your post. Maybe folks avoiding
issues and letting problems grow will try
to work things out before it gets to the
hellhole you are climbing out of.

I wish you the best. Is it possible that
this will be good in the long run ? You
deserve to move forward and be happy
again.

Quote: Face

Thank you AZ, that's a hell of a reply. I didn't know how to figure it out, I assumed the guys running this show would know. For what it's worth, my original thought was to not touch it (a lot of hassle, the sting of "taking" what's "hers", and the possible penalties for early withdrawl) but to definately use it as leverage. As for my boy, hell no, I wouldn't think of even hinting that he was going to be a part of this discussion. Hopefully this issue hasn't pushed her to thinking that.

Glad to help. DON'T ASSUME. People that should know often do not. And if you do say it sort of how I wrote it (NPV of an annuity) you immediately establish yourself as someone who knows enough that you are not going to accept the first number they make up. Just as if you say, "hard 4 two way" vs, "here is a $1 tip" shows you to be a player-example keeping with the gambling theme of the board.

Quote:

Then again, her generosity in doing a 50/50 vs a 55/45 saves me $20 a week. That's over $15k saved by the time the support is over, which may well be more than her total retirment money thus far. Perhaps just by asking I already shot myself in the foot =/

Her lawyer should know, and yours had better know, if she pulls that back then EVERYTHING can become null and void. It is as if you are selling me a used Cadillac and I offer $20,000 and you say, "$20,000 and a bag of potato chips." (example meant to be silly, you may need a laugh.) My offer is then no good. If I say, "sorry, no," you cannot say, "I'll take the $20,000." That is an undergrad law concept, though get your lawyer's advice on it. Either way, keep the leverage.

Quote:

FABULOUS advice on the taxes. Never not once did that cross my mind. I might owe someone a steak dinner next time they brave I-86 for the trip north ;)

Nobody thinks of that unless they are a lawyer, tax preparer (ding ding ding), or have been divorced. Want to turn a perfectly calm and rational divorced man into a raving maniac in seconds? Ask then insist that child support is tax deductible. IT IS NOT, though alimony is.

On the dinner, be careful what you promise--I am meeting my college buddies at Salameca this week and have reservations for the 4 of us at the Steakhouse there at 5:30! Just kidding on the be careful part, but we are going to be up there unless the one's relative takes a bad turn in the hospital. We do it twice a year. If you are near and want to join us for a beer later PM me, I will see if they are OK with it.

Quote: JohnnyQ

Wow. Just read through all this. Am sorry to
hear it and what you have been going through.

I would bet that you will make it through this.
I'd also bet that it won't be easy. But you know
all that.

If any consolation, maybe some good can
come from your post. Maybe folks avoiding
issues and letting problems grow will try
to work things out before it gets to the
hellhole you are climbing out of.

I wish you the best. Is it possible that
this will be good in the long run ? You
deserve to move forward and be happy
again.

Thank you, JohnnyQ. Yes it will get better and no it won't be easy, but one day at a time. This ordeal is not unlike death, or addiction, or any other huge life issue. You have good days and bad, sometimes it even switches 2, 3 times a day between the two extremes. The most important thing in the world is to have guidance. For me, I have the experience of going through addiction and recovery; lessons learned there have been absolutely crutial in helping me handle this. I've rekindled the closeness with my old man and have his full support, and I'm going back to counseling just as preventative maintenance. It all helps, and it all will keep me on the straight and narrow.

And yes, if there is one thing I would hope, even if it's just for one person, is that something would be taken from this to help or prevent someone elses problems in the future. Routine is a nasty bitch, and whether is smoking, drinking, weight, drugs, finances, anything and everything, if you KNOW you should take care of it, putting it off is just a landmine waiting to be stepped on. Even if it's something insignificant, pay it forward. An ounce of prevention, a pound of cure and all that. Hell, I'm maxed out on time, maxed out on emotion, can't handle one more thing, but I still just now sent my mom an e-mail, our first contact since the blow up. Do I think I can handle it? Nope. But will I handle it? You betcha. It's problem season, and I'm gonna bag my limit come hell or high water.

And for god's sake, don't be afraid to ask for help. I'm sure just about everyone here is or has been a typical guy. Tough, hard nosed and hard headed, counseling's for pansies, don't need a shoulder to cry on, my name's Wolf, Mr Lone Wolf. It's overrated, man. Putting yourself out there when you are at your absolute weakest is terrifying, sure. Doing so on an internet forum is off the charts. But damn if I don't feel a million times better for doing so.

Thank you for your well wishes, and yes, it will be good in the long run. It's life, man, and life is whatever you want it to be. It's corny and terribly cliche, but it's also the absolute truth. It will be good for no other reason than I demand it. Failure is not an option.

Quote: AZDuffman

On the dinner, be careful what you promise--I am meeting my college buddies at Salameca this week and have reservations for the 4 of us at the Steakhouse there at 5:30! Just kidding on the be careful part, but we are going to be up there unless the one's relative takes a bad turn in the hospital. We do it twice a year. If you are near and want to join us for a beer later PM me, I will see if they are OK with it.

Doh! I honestly thought I'd have more financial recovery time, didn't realize it'd be so soon ;) In any case, I'll probably be right down the hall. If you want to flip the Craps table to get my attention, I'll come down and say "hi". Or you could just win big, you know, whatever's easiest for you =) Good luck if you play, enjoy your stay if you don't.

Is there any cash? I'd be more likely to take a reduced cash payout and be done with it. You can pitch it as doing her a favor by keeping the account intact, avoiding all the taxes and early withdrawal penalties. Since she thinks the retirement is all hers, she may find that reasoning attractive.

If you're otherwise stable financially, I'd favor as clean a break as possible. Given that you have a child together, you'll be dealing with each other for the next couple of decades -- no point in aggravating things over money.

I would take it. If you had a retirement plan, you better bet she'd take half.

Also, you may not even need to cash it out and pay taxes and penalties; it may be possible to split the account and just have one under your name. I don't know the details, but a QDRO is used to split or distribute retirement funds.

As for finances after divorce, I was actually better off when I was paying her roughly half of my take home. She sucked the bank account dry for 10 years. After we divorced I had almost nothing left at the end of the month; the difference was that I actually had something left and it was mine.

Quote: Face

Thank you, JohnnyQ. Yes it will get better and no it won't be easy, but one day at a time. This ordeal is not unlike death, or addiction, or any other huge life issue. You have good days and bad, sometimes it even switches 2, 3 times a day between the two extremes. The most important thing in the world is to have guidance. For me, I have the experience of going through addiction and recovery; lessons learned there have been absolutely crutial in helping me handle this. I've rekindled the closeness with my old man and have his full support, and I'm going back to counseling just as preventative maintenance. It all helps, and it all will keep me on the straight and narrow.

And yes, if there is one thing I would hope, even if it's just for one person, is that something would be taken from this to help or prevent someone elses problems in the future. Routine is a nasty bitch, and whether is smoking, drinking, weight, drugs, finances, anything and everything, if you KNOW you should take care of it, putting it off is just a landmine waiting to be stepped on. Even if it's something insignificant, pay it forward. An ounce of prevention, a pound of cure and all that. Hell, I'm maxed out on time, maxed out on emotion, can't handle one more thing, but I still just now sent my mom an e-mail, our first contact since the blow up. Do I think I can handle it? Nope. But will I handle it? You betcha. It's problem season, and I'm gonna bag my limit come hell or high water.

And for god's sake, don't be afraid to ask for help. I'm sure just about everyone here is or has been a typical guy. Tough, hard nosed and hard headed, counseling's for pansies, don't need a shoulder to cry on, my name's Wolf, Mr Lone Wolf. It's overrated, man. Putting yourself out there when you are at your absolute weakest is terrifying, sure. Doing so on an internet forum is off the charts. But damn if I don't feel a million times better for doing so.

Thank you for your well wishes, and yes, it will be good in the long run. It's life, man, and life is whatever you want it to be. It's corny and terribly cliche, but it's also the absolute truth. It will be good for no other reason than I demand it. Failure is not an option.

Face as is usually the case I think you are helping people on this forum as much as some may be helping you. Thanks for your well written and well thought out responses. You are obviously grateful and may I say we are grateful to you for the hope and insight you shed on the problems you and any number of us could be going through. I believe in self fulfulling prophecies and you are preaching some good stuff that bodes well for you in the future. You are a prophet of hope. Know of my continued prayers for you, God Bless and thanks!

Quote: Face

So here's the advice part. What would YOU do?

Comments?

It's just as much yours as it is hers. Go get your money, boy.

Quote: Face

So here's the advice part. What would YOU do? I know by rights and by law, I am entitled to half of whatever that is.

You've already been advised on the valuation part. The wrinkle is that retirement savings typically face stiff penalties if withdrawn. But to you money is fungible -- you have no retirement savings. You could be stern and force her to liquidate the investment, at a significant loss, but I don't think you want to do that. To be amicable, I'd agree to let her keep the retirement investment intact but have her compensate with value elsewhere in penalty-free funds. So if her 401(k) is worth $10k, and the rest of your estate is worth $X, then the total estate is X+10k. An even split means you each get X/2 + 5k in total value. If she keeps the 10k in retirement funds to avoid withdrawal penalties, she simply gives up 5k elsewhere. So she gets X/2 - 5k and keeps the 401(k) while you get X/2 + 5k.

Another poster suggested putting the extra $5k toward your son's education. That's not a bad idea: it may help calm the situation, it's an expense that she's going to have to face anyway (and much sooner than her retirement) so she's not actually giving up the money, and to you that's $5k toward his college that you don't need to come up with from your own funds.

Best wishes for a speedy and positive end to your situation.

What can I say, I was just as surprised as you with the timing.

"if I play." you are a funny guy. In seriousness if you want to get a beer or a few about 8 or after let me know. My buddies are all easygoing though only one has an ap attitude, the other two actually play for just fun.

About her pension, remember this is a traditional pension if she is a state employee and not an early wd penalty but she cannot cash out if she wants to. But you can still value your part. And you should.

Making her withdraw the 401k or retirement fund is in no one's best interests because she'll incur a tax liability that will have to go against the estate.

However, the 401k is a family asset and needs to be split. The present value of the 401k at the time of the separation should be known, and that should be added to the value of the estate. If anything is liquidiated and has tax consequences, that is a liability of the estate and will need to be accounted for. (For example, if you have taxes payable from capital gains, that's a liability).

You're entitled to 1/2 of everything, plain and simple, meaning that your net worth should be 1/2 as much at the end than at the start with a check written to cover the difference.

She went ballistic over the pension because she didn't think you knew it existed. She might have been totally agreeable the whole time knowing that she was screwing you over for something significant.

Good luck!

As for HB's bleakness on marriage, I can tell you from experience is that marriage isn't easy, especially for the strong-willed. You have to work at your relationship and understand that the state of marriage is not all fun and games. Even if the partners don't cheat, there are many times that the marriage will work in different directions. After all, you are two different people, sharing different goals, with tastes, preferences, and desires. You're not the same.

When you first meet someone, it's well known that infautation will cloud differences between people. The great sex, the getting to know you, all of that is exciting... it releases plenty of endorphins that cloud judgement and overlook red flags. Over time, you get to know someone, and they're likely pretty close to what you knew and expected after the endorphins are gone. You still love the person, but you have to decide, imperfections and all where the relationship is likely to go based on the factors that you know about.

That decision to be with someone for the long haul is pretty much a long term commitment at matrimony, and it's up to your sense of loyalty and commitment on whether you're going to honor that oath.

Marriage will either augment the differences between two people or compliment them, sometimes with unexpected results. And people change during the life of the marriage.... they get fatter, develop different interests and hobbies, make different forms of income. Adding children to the mix, whether through your own actions or inherited from a previous marriage only adds stress to the marriage (but bonds it too).

If you're strong willed, and are unwilling to comprimise, and just want to do your own thing for life, then marriage isn't for you. The odds are pretty close to zero that over 10 years, that mate will be on the same page as you, because he will have to comprimise everything to accomodate you, and that's simply not fair to the other person. He will take it out on you by getting what he wants discreetly then not so discreetly (an affair on the side, a drug habit for escape, gambling, alcoholism).

Marriage is all about doing something in the middle that makes both of you happy. It might be a decision to live somewhere while your stepdaughter grows up and then move later to the place that makes you happy, with the caveat that you don't have to talk to your step-parents for the length of time you're living there. It might be taking on a job that requires travel and greater pay so that your wife can work from home because she's sick all of the time. It might be having your partner upset at you because you have needs that are non-negotiable. The trade off for all of this "comprimise" is long term companionship, love, someone to take care of you when you're sick, someone who should be at your side no matter what, a reliable sex partner (albeit less frequent), a good parent to your child, and so on.

Contrast that to being in dating relationships or single, where you get to what you want, when you want, alone. There are benefits to that too of course.

I still have a candle lit for the hope of reconcilliation, Face. Please don't give up too soon. Your wife appears to be torn up by this conflict. Perhaps this has created an opportunity to suggest starting over... together?

Quote: boymimbo

Contrast that to being in dating relationships or single, where you get to what you want, when you want, alone.

Tina Fey's character on 30 Rock says she hates
dating because she wants all new relationships
to start like they are 12 years into it. You sit around
in sloppy clothes, watch TV, rarely speak, and go
to bed knowing there won't be any 'fooling around'
on either side. That pretty much describes marriage
for a lot of people.

Father, I've held a lot of titles and been called a number of things in my life..."prophet" is definately a first =) Coming from someone such as yourself, that means a lot. Athieism aside, that filled my heart, and would be a designation I'd aspire to. Thank you for your continued support.

The more you guys have taught me about this, the more I don't want to go near her retirement. It just seems like a messy situation all around, from how I'd get it, to how much would be lost, to the mental and emotional issues that would arise from how this act would be perceived. In the grand scheme of things, that's not what I wanted, nor am I a "half and half no matter what" type. But, in our "pre-mediation" talk, the way she had stuff split up wasn't fair in the least. I don't even need to list it, it was that obviously skewed. Now, if everything goes the way it is in my head, I will have the leverage to get what it takes for me to be satisfied, she should still be happy keeping her "big things" and still getting more than half, and hopefully she'll recognize my generosity and we can start our parental relationship on a good foot. But, if it falls apart and she lawyers up, well, I'd end up getting even more than than I would by doing it my way. At least financially, I don't see how I could lose. I'm not even scared of jinxing it by saying so, I'm that confident.

Guys, again, I can't even express how much this has meant to me and how much this has helped. Like I was telling my Pops, I'm emotionally shattered and totally unsure of the future, but I feel like I could take on the world. My family was destroyed, yet I feel like I can make it work. My future is incertain, but I feel I know exactly where I'm going. I've never been handed such a complete disaster, yet felt so positive about my life, and a very large reason for that feeling is the help I received from you people here. I don't even know what to say. For whatever reasons you posted, you have truely given me a gift I couldn't hope to repay and I thank you.

Quote: AZDuffman

In seriousness if you want to get a beer or a few about 8 or after let me know. My buddies are all easygoing though only one has an ap attitude, the other two actually play for just fun.

It would be nice, but I have to decline. While I'll be off duty at 11p, there was an issue years ago that resulted in some strict rules about workers on premises. Drinking is definately out, and hanging out on the gaming floor requires notifications and other BS. Even going to the gun show they have there I had to ask, then notify of my arrival and departure, and advise when I was on the floor. Hell, I even had to do that for the 4th's fireworks in the parking lot.

But thank you for the offer, and I will be wishing you luck, for what it's worth.

Quote: Ayecarumba

I still have a candle lit for the hope of reconcilliation, Face. Please don't give up too soon. Your wife appears to be torn up by this conflict. Perhaps this has created an opportunity to suggest starting over... together?

I hear what you're saying Aye, but I think you're the only one. My father and her were really close but even HE can't understand a thing that's happened or the things she's doing. With the way she's acting in the mediations, I hardly recognize her.

I will say I haven't shut her out or shut the idea down, but... I don't know what to do but to get on with my life. I still have the capacity to try should the opportunity arise. I still care for her enough, still care about giving my son a stable home enough, I'm still strong enough to work past the hurt of this ordeal to make it happen. But that's all I can really do. If an opportunity has been created, so be it. If not.... so be it.

Quote: Face

With the way she's acting in the mediations, I hardly recognize her..

This is a huge learning experience for you.
Somewhere along the line you let your avenues
of communication lapse, and now you're
seeing the result. She turned into a different
person right in front of you and you didn't
even notice. This will happen again in your
next marriage if you let it. You always have
to keep track of where your wife is emotionally
or the past is doomed to repeat itself.

Unfortunately, divorce with children means that you'll be dealing with the ex-wife, reasonable or not, for a number of years. You can only hope for reasonable but you can't expect it. Sometimes it is not worth the emotional hassle to have the conflict with the ex-wife.

For example, at this point in time, my daughter is living with me, having moved in with me 3 months ago. About a month in, I decided to confront my ex-wife about the child support payment. She went ballistic (as I expected) as it is her only reliable source of "income". Now, I know that I can go to court, apply for custody and apply to have the child support canceled. The end result of this is that she would do everything to take our daughter back, including dragging me through court to do it, open up my tax records, and so on and so forth. It would make a cordial relationship ugly. I know I'm right. I know that the court would rule in my favor, but the value of peace and a happy daughter far outweighs the immense amount of BS my daughter and I would have to deal with. So, I'm letting it go for now.

Still, if my kid still elects to live with me at the end of the school year, I'll be going to court nonetheless, but the leg that she has to stand on will be completely gone.

So, for the retirement, how much is 1/2 of the value of the account worth to you? And if you lose this value in the name of peace, what other things are you willing to lose in the name of peace? My opinion is that you set your boundaries early so you know what's okay and what isn't. You'll likely run into the same issues when it comes to access (maybe not today) and child support (extracurricular events), and making decisions about your son's life.

Quote: Face

It would be nice, but I have to decline. While I'll be off duty at 11p, there was an issue years ago that resulted in some strict rules about workers on premises. Drinking is definately out, and hanging out on the gaming floor requires notifications and other BS. Even going to the gun show they have there I had to ask, then notify of my arrival and departure, and advise when I was on the floor. Hell, I even had to do that for the 4th's fireworks in the parking lot.

But thank you for the offer, and I will be wishing you luck, for what it's worth.

Wait a minute, sorry if I missed this before, but you actually work there? I thought you just lived upstate?

Quote: Face

I hear what you're saying Aye, but I think you're the only one. My father and her were really close but even HE can't understand a thing that's happened or the things she's doing. With the way she's acting in the mediations, I hardly recognize her.

I will say I haven't shut her out or shut the idea down, but... I don't know what to do but to get on with my life. I still have the capacity to try should the opportunity arise. I still care for her enough, still care about giving my son a stable home enough, I'm still strong enough to work past the hurt of this ordeal to make it happen. But that's all I can really do. If an opportunity has been created, so be it. If not.... so be it.

You won't know if you don't ask. No time like the present. Set a meeting and ask. If things go well, a series of meetings with a marriage and family therapist could then be the next step. If things still don't work out, you can always get divorced, but at least you both would have exhausted every possibility.

Quote: AZDuffman

Oh, and this is BIG. Whatever you do, and this is in caps for a reason, MAKE SURE YOU SPECIFY WHO GETS TO DEDUCT YOUR CHILD AS A DEPENDENT AT TAX TIME! Do not take anything less than every other year. If you are paying more, push for it all! Consider this as the throw-away on the pension. If you do not do this as far as the IRS is concerned it is "right of first capture." I have seen people run, not trot, to HR Block to file first. And learn they did not!

I agree that you should iron this out to begin with. If you don't, it is not automatically given to the first person to file. The IRS has some very specific rules as to who gets to claim the child. They first look at how many overnights the child stays with each parent. If that is equal, then they look at income; the parent with the higher AGI will get the exemption. If the non-custodial parent does not claim the child, then they need to sign a form stating that they won't claim the child.

This happened to my current wife when her ex-husband claimed the children on his taxes. When she filed, her return got rejected and she had to provide evidence that the children lived with her. The IRS billed the ex for the overpayment.

In Colorado, the exemptions are split based on the percentage of support that each parent provides. I provide 75%, so I get 3 out of every 4 exemptions. It works out easily since I have 4 kids. Still the ex wants to claim 2 kids, but I'm not going to let her. Besides, last year I had them for 183 nights and she had 182.

Now, back to the pension. If you are going to let her have it, make sure that you get all the things that you want - the boat, the guns, etc. I bet that she will be more willing to give up things in return for the money. Also, I'm almost certain that you can leave it as a retirement account and just have it in your name. Under a QDRO, she will not pay taxes or penalty on the withdrawal, but you will if you withdraw it. If you don't withdraw it, then it will just be waiting for you.

Quote: CrystalMath

If you don't withdraw it, then it will just be waiting for you.

Thats how it works. He'll get a % of it, frozen at
the day of the divorce. It won't grow at all, so
if he's supposed to get $200 a month if he retired
today, he'll still get $200 a month 30 years from
now. Its really worth far more to use it as leverage
and get her to give up other things in exchange
for keeping all the pension.

Quote: AZDuffman

Wait a minute, sorry if I missed this before, but you actually work there? I thought you just lived upstate?

Yeah AZ, I work here. Did you happen to visit on Friday? Chippendale's were in town, one thousand drunk and screaming ladies took over the floor. Madness.

Well my friends, it appears I'm coming to the end. Our last mediation was this morning. Both of us showed up pleasant and were conversing before the session started, and it started right off with the retirement. I told her what I told her the first time, that I intended to keep her whole, but I didn't want any secrets. If we were to try to remain civil, maybe even friends, we had better start off on the right foot and that means transparancy.

As far as very bad things go, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Both of us left...happy. Everything she wanted she got, and everything I wanted I got. I didn't even have to use the retirement as leverage, she waived me splitting healthcare costs of her own accord (in the long run WAY better than half her retirement) and actually brought up herself the fact that we should split tax claims. I had an idea of what I would accept in my head; she added to that and we were done in 25 minutes. Just a clean, smooth deal.

We spent a good 45 minutes after that talking just the two of us. Where we were going, plans for our son, her health problems and how I and my family would always be available, how she would help me tranistion my finances...say true, it's kind of weird. We still have the same level of respect and caring for each other, just without the romantic connotations. I think we're going to make this work just fine.

The hard part's over, now comes the harder part. And then probably an even harder part after that and, if I'm lucky, one last hardest part and I'll be done. But right now, I'm in a good place, and really, I can't say it enough, a not insignificant part of my mental stability is the help I received here. A thousand times thank you, for every one of you have given me a gift of immeasurable value.

Very good news!

Quote: Face

I didn't even have to use the retirement as leverage

Don't kid yourself, of course you did. By
letting her know you were going after it
last week, and then dropping the issue
this week, thats the leverage that got
you what you wanted. She was so relieved,
it was smooth sailing. Women and money,
oy..

Quote: Face

Yeah AZ, I work here. Did you happen to visit on Friday? Chippendale's were in town, one thousand drunk and screaming ladies took over the floor. Madness.

Was there Saturday. Casino, not the Chippendales...... Played some, friends wimped out on the good steak dinner. One friend kept breaking my balls about getting a player's club card, saying what was the point. Well, the point was the $10 free play became a $130 win! So my weekend was basically free.

Glad all went as well as possible for you. I agree with EB, she thought about her pension and your claim and her lawyer told her to not push things because you had the upper hand. I do continue to encourage you to move forward, not look back. Little comes off worse than a guy trying to get his ex back. And I casay from having worked with such guys that is a death spiral. After a few years the are the "Peaked Paul" of the office--come in looking like they were out all night everyday; talk about nothing but how great "the good old days" were; and stay just a step ahead in life.

So far your attitude seems great--keep that. Surely the whole board suppots you.

Quote: AZDuffman

Little comes off worse than a guy trying to get his ex back. .

Ain't that the truth. Nothing more pitiful
than a guy making a fool out of himself
chasing something he can't catch. It
works in the movies, I've never seen it
work for real.

I hate to bring this back up, but I’m scared of becoming a stat for s2dbaker to post in the gun thread (joking). Since y’alls help worked so good last time, of course I’m going to try it again. So, long story short to bring everything up to speed…

Almost immediately after this thread ended (~3 weeks after I moved out) she started seeing an old friend (the same one she talked to all the time and I “didn’t need to worry about”).

A little over a month later, she attempted to move in with him and take my son with her (I’m 40min SE of Buffalo, he lives in Syracuse, total drive time ~4hr) I came uncorked and threatened a never ending war to end all wars if she did. If she wanted to go, that was fine. But gambling my son’s stability on an experimental relationship wasn’t happening. I won that fight and we agreed that my son was to enroll in school in the fall out here with me. She moved to Syracuse and had since remarried, coming to get our son on the weekends. Come summer he would be with her full time with me getting him on my days off, and come next fall, he would then enroll out in Syracuse and I’d get him on the weekends.

While it was probably the best that one could hope for, it still just griped my ass. I mean, weekends are days you play with your friends that you meet in school. He won’t get to do that. Sports, musicals, all these things were going to be different for him, and his dad / grandparents / aunts / etc wouldn’t be able to attend because of the distance. But again, what else could be done? Nothing, except do the best we could.

I just got off the phone with her. Come this June, her husband is getting transferred back to where he was hired. Tampa. Mother%&^ing. Florida.

I don’t know what to do. This ain’t about me; if it was I’d just take her to court and fight for custody. This is about him, and because her selfishness, he is going to suffer. Whether I or she has custody, he’s going to be going long stretches without seeing one of his parents, and is going to constantly endure long flights by his self (he’s 4!) just to get back and forth to us.

Even if I could somehow win custody and put her in a position to have to choose between her son or her husband and force her to stay here… Christ, it’d still destroy his mother, and hurting her is hurting him.

Rock, meet hard place.

So come on with it. Give me some perspective. Help me realize this isn’t the worst bleeding thing that could possibly happen. I just need a little light to work off of…

Sure. I'll give you perspective.

--Deleted for personal reasons--
Many years ago, ...... grade.
-----

My advice to you is that you gotta do what's truly best for your child. Long distance relationships suck. As his Dad, though, you've got to play the high road. Weekends and friends are really meaningless until later on in the child's life (think age 11 or so). Even if you fought for custody, the judge will likely look at the relationships and connections and favor the mother. You also have to look at the step-father too to see if he's a good role model for your kid. Then make a decision on whether to fight it based on that. I think that for you, Face, it's worthwhile to make your points in front of a judge. If you truly believe it's in the
child's best interests to be with you over the mother, then you've gotta make that fight, without being slanderous and terrible to your ex (no matter how she's treating you).

A father's relationship to his son is the most important relationship a son can have. He needs a great male role model in his life. Otherwise there's a good probability that bad things will happen to him in his teenaged years.

If it turns out that he moves to TPA or he stays with you in BUF, your kid aint' getting on a plane unaccompanied to see you. He ain't transferring in ATL or PHI or CLT (you can't get from TPA to BUF without stopping somewhere). It's way too hard on the kid. You (or your ex) will be getting on the plane and making arrangements to stay at relatives or a hotel to have access to the child, as often as possible. More than likely Face you'll end up moving down to TPA to be close to the kid. It will be f**king painful. Make sure that the custodial parent pays for the travel (or make sure it comes off of the support). Make sure that the non-custodial parent gets to spend the majority of summers and holidays with them.

Sorry.

Thanks boymimbo. Glad to hear your situation has so far worked out, at least as far as your girl is concerned.

That’s the big bitch in all of this. I could give a flip about myself. I mean, the divorce, at least financially, completely ruined me to the point it’ll be well over a decade before I recover. But still I’m the happiest I’ve possibly ever been, in large part due to how my boy is, which is wonderful. It just kills me because, like you experienced, I already have to deal with the teary eyes because he misses either I or mommy, and that’s just being away for 4 days max. To think of that being extended to months until winter / spring / summer breaks, and I could just about kill her (not literally).

I guess I just can’t over what I view as her selfishness. I mean, sure, she deserves to move on and pursue happiness and all that, I don’t fault her for it. But so do I, and I made damn sure my girl knew and knows that my boy comes first, and anything he needs, I’ll provide. If that conflicts with what she wants, too bad. Deal with it or leave.

I just feel she has and is still putting her personal happiness above my son’s. Perhaps that’s an error in thinking, but I can’t shake it. She’s done nothing but chase this guy around and drag my son further and further from his family… I just couldn’t imagine doing that. Hell, I’ve already passed up job offers for just that reason,… but I don’t know. Maybe I’m the one being selfish?

The dude hasn’t yet got my stamp of approval, and I’m not sure he ever will. He was a woman chasing scumbag back when I was still married, my ex used to talk about every now and then. In a band, sleeping with everyone including married women, blah, blah, blah. He has a son of his own that he didn’t see until he was 12 – 13 (living with them now), who’s already ran into issues with delinquency. People change, yeah, but I’m on permanent high alert when it comes to that. I’ve absolutely not seen anything so far to worry me, but… you know. Ever alert, ready to go to jail at the drop of a hat (kind of literally).

The biggest bitch of it all is it simply makes little difference. While I much rather him be with me and might even think he’d be better off, there’s nothing whatsoever that makes me believe he’ll be worse off with her or that that household will be bad for him. It simply the idea of us being so very, very far apart, and all that goes with it. The travel, the long periods of time away, the inability to be there “at the drop of a hat”, should that be needed. Whether I have custody or she does, that problem doesn’t change one bit. What is in his best interest is exactly the thing she’s trying to take away – the proximity, the frequent visits, the ability to frequently be with all members of the family. And there’s no way for me to fix it.

And it’s killing me.

Kids are amazingly resilient. He will get used to the routine and accept it. It will be extremely difficult).

From what you say and from what I know about you (guns aside, lol -- please unload them and give them to your friends for a few days until this blows over), it seems that your ex is not doing what's in your kids best interests, especially given the stepfather's character as you describe, and that the courts might feel the same way about it (though courts have invariably supported mothers, things are changing).

If you feel like your ex is being selfish and taking the kid away from the non-immediate members family is selfish, then by all means, get a lawyer, learn about the case law on similar cases, and take the ex to court. At least you tried. And if you win, then the child sees everyone but the mother, and you have the support system you need to raise the kid, including strong female figures in aunts and grandparents. And if you lose, you did eveything you could, and you will feel that at least you tried. At least here in Ontario, the courts here look at the situations of each parent and at least try to figure out what's best for the child. You owe the kid that, especially if you're not sure.

If the kid moves to TPA, you will likely end up really missing the kid, especially in the first year, and you will probably move heaven and earth to move to Florida to be close to him. There are casinos in Florida, and your commitment to him will be appreciated and rewarded in spades later in life. You might lose your "girl" in this, and certainly, you'll lose some contact with the kid, but truthfully, you're probably the most important thing in your son's life, and despite what your ex does, you owe it to the child to be there for him.

Thanks boymimbo. It's funny how little words can act as a life preserver, giving you something to support and steady yourself with. I really appreciate it.

I got to talk with the ex more, she's pretty tore up as well. This was something they expected 6-7 years down the road, not in 6-8 weeks.

So far she's come up with my son coming home during all the breaks, holidays, summer, etc, basically about every month for a week during school and all the time he's out. All of this to be taken out of the CS money, which, I suppose, silver lining blah-blah-blah.

But still. That big bitch of none of it mattering as far as long periods away from one of us no matter which way it's sliced. She said he'd come home as often as possible, doesn't fix that problem. Said if he didn't adjust well, he could stay with me. Doesn't fix it. She even went so far to say that if things just did not work out, she'd leave her husband and come back home. As that would destroy her, still and yet again, the problem's not fixed. What a mess.

I almost lost it twice. Once was when, after mere hours to think, she demanded I make a decision as to whether I was going to force this issue to court. It was the retirement argument all over again where she wanted an answer now, even when it's obviously too early. I shut that down easy enough. The second was when she tried the "woe is me" bs, crying about why can't anything ever be easy for her. I could list a myriad of decision, all hers, that led her right to this point, but nah. Sometimes I wish I had more asshole in me to put people in their places, but I'll just eat this one. Again. She wouldn't have gotten it anyways and would have only made it all worse.

In any case, I feel much better already. I mean, it's all about perspective. Sure, this is a shitty situation where every single choice is a zonk of epic proportions. But my kid's happy, he's healthy, and there a damn sight more worse things in life. I know trading the "every day normal time" of married fatherhood for the "twice a week quality time" of single fatherhood has done wonders for our bond. Perhaps this will enhance that even more. One can hope...

boymimbo, again... Thank you.

If you can't appeal to her as a co-parent, appeal to how much better it will be if you both work things out without courtorders. (though I might not say it exactly like that)

See, Conservatives and Liberals reaching across the aisle... it makes me tear up just thinking about it...

Honestly, your son will see you taking the high road as something quite meaningful to him. Just stay involved in his life. There are webcams, facebook apps, and video chats where you can see him and talk to him, every day. Make sure you are there for the important things in his life.

On the other hand, that step dad is going to be a major role model in the kid's life, and you really think that he is going to be an awful influence on him, by all means, go to court.

Kids are resilient, courts are expensive but can often be a damper on long distance upheavals.

I thought I'd like to chip in here with Beth Raymer's "two cents" rather than my own: You can look it up in her memoir Lay The Favorite wherein she describes being eleven in the Bahamas and playing blackjack with her father while sipping his beer everytime she got a Blackjack. Making her own decisions on the hand and high fiveing her dad was what she remembered. He was most happy when he was gambling and he took her along and shared his joy with his daughter. She grew up fine. She saw him happy, if maybe not so often. I think its the same way with kids. A long distance relationship where he sees you less often but always happy and always treating some woman well is good. At nine Beth Raymer chose her father's selections at a Greyhound Track and learned the code phrase "at my office" to mean the high limit table on the Big M Casino Boat. She went on to earn a Masters and has been published in the NYTimes.

So make your decisions on what will make you happiest and don't try to enslave the kids to some fixed notions that give you "time" with them but make them see you as if you were "serving time" with them instead of enjoying life. Let the future bring what it may. Kids survive separation better than they survive an artificially enforced togetherness that keeps the custodial parent bitter all the time and the visiting parent not quite ecstatic either.

Wow. I feel bad for you. A few points. I am pretty sure southwest flies direct to Tampa now.
Most divorce agreements that involve custody issues put specific geographic restrictions on where the custodial parent can move. I have a friend who was married in Syracuse, and she was prohibited from moving more than 100 miles without her ex's permission. Her new husband was offered a great job in Buffalo but was not permitted to move, they ended up taking an almost as good job in Binghamton, as that was within the 100 miles. Did your lawyer not put any geographical restriction in the agreement?
You may 'know' your ex's new husband is no good, but proving that to a court is likely FAR more difficult. Of course not knowing all the details.... I think I would fight for either custody, or an order to prevent her from moving that far away.
No joking here..... my ex wife practiced divorce law, and we are still friends.... if you have any specific questions that you don't want to pay someone $250 an hour to answer.... text me....

Maybe your ex will hate FL, I certainly do. You never
forget your first summer because you think you're
going to die. A lot can change in the next few years,
don't think anything is set in stone. My dad had the
biggest influence on me from ages 7 to about 13.
Then, like most teens, I wished he'd just completely
ignore me.

Quote: rxwine

If you can't appeal to her as a co-parent, appeal to how much better it will be if you both work things out without courtorders. (though I might not say it exactly like that)

It’s not so much an inability to come to an agreement, court imposed or otherwise. It’s simply that all the options completely blow. I could let her take him, get him for every school break, holiday, and summer vacay, but he’ll still go months without seeing me during school and months without seeing her over summer. If I get custody, it’s the exact same scenario only reverse. Six of one, half dozen of the other. I could try to force her to stay in NY, but that would destroy her marriage and leave her here without a house or a job. That would destroy her, and hurting her is hurting him. Or I could abandon my job, my friends, my family, and everything I am and go to a state I despise.

If anyone sees another option other than these 4, I’m all ears.

Quote: boymimbo

See, Conservatives and Liberals reaching across the aisle... it makes me tear up just thinking about it...

If you're going to use labels, I prefer "friend". Thanks for the advice =)

Quote: FleaStiff

So make your decisions on what will make you happiest and don't try to enslave the kids to some fixed notions that give you "time" with them but make them see you as if you were "serving time" with them instead of enjoying life. Let the future bring what it may. Kids survive separation better than they survive an artificially enforced togetherness that keeps the custodial parent bitter all the time and the visiting parent not quite ecstatic either.

Great post Flea. That’s where my mind went, trying to focus on the positive. Perhaps the longer periods of time when I do have him will be even better. Maybe without the weekly restraints of visitation and weekly trips to Syracuse, it’ll give me more mobility in jobs I can take and places I can live. I know the idea of visitation period when I first got divorced was unthinkable. In retrospect, the time greatly increased in quality and our bond got a lot stronger. Maybe this will be the same.

Quote: SOOPOO

Wow. I feel bad for you.

Did your lawyer not put any geographical restriction in the agreement?

Thanks SOOPOO (might as well put you on retainer ;) lol) We do have an agreement, it’s 300 miles. Her house in Syracuse is on the very rim of the agreement. She knows that, and wants us to come to an agreement ourselves allowing her to leave so we don’t have to go to court, pay lawyers, etc. If I refuse, then we’re going to court. Based on the 4 no-win situations listed above, I’m having trouble seeing where court is worth it.

Quote: EvenBob

Maybe your ex will hate FL, I certainly do. You never
forget your first summer because you think you're
going to die. A lot can change in the next few years,
don't think anything is set in stone.

I won’t. I’ve already seen how fast things can change. Like I said, head up, look at the positives.

Thanks to all for your help. I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but I really appreciate it!

Busy in my own personal life, just now catching up, Face.

Hang in there, we are rooting for you.

A few things:

BUF -> TPA have 2 non-stops a day for about $400 return and 2:40 on the flight time. That's not so bad.

You have a very mature attitude about this, but I don't want to sell yourself short either. You've seemed to somehow accept that the son living with the mother is the better option. Why?????? Because the mother can emotionally accept it? You've gotta look at what's best for the child. PERIOD.

Difficult as it may be for you, and difficult it may be for the child, what makes you think that living with the kid's mother is any better than living with you???

His mother is moving, not you, and frankly, the kid would be better off living with you with his family all around him then living in FLA. That needs to be a possibility, and if it tears up the ex-wife because now SHE has to make a choice, then let HER make that choice, and too fucking bad if her life comes crashing down on her as a result of her decision. That's her doing, not yours. The law is on your side -- you have an agreement that doesn't let her move with the kid because that prevents shit precisely like this from going down.

If you have a court order that states "300 miles", then that is your arrangement. The thing that is predicating this move which completely sucks for your son is his stepfather's job "transfer". You've already accepted a status quo where your son lives with the mother and step-father during the week, and therefore the court would likely allow the move as a last resort. Has the stepfather looked for equivalent work in Syracuse or elsewhere within a 282,743 square miles around of where you live?

I let me ex-wife break a 100km arrangement and move to California because my child was 13 at the time and absolutely loved it in California, and frankly, we were looking to get out of the Niagara region. My wife has family in California and it would worked out fine for us. From a tax perspective we were thinking of living in Reno-Tahoe where the housing is incredibly cheap and the state taxes were quite low compared to Canada. That would have put us at a 2 hour commute to Sacremento every weekend, completely doable. I can live and work anywhere in North America and I actually transferred my position to have a manager on the west coast and was working in the Bay Area when all of this went down. But had she told me she was going to move to Florida or anywhere else, the answer would have been "no".

A four year old boy can't state a preference. All you really need to do is present your case and what your "plan of care" would be with your son. What school will he go to? Who will take care of him while you're at work? How does he get back and forth to school? What family members will take care of him? Think about what his life would look like living with you, put it down on paper, and take that to court. Your wife will do the same, and the court will decide what's best for the kid.

If the ex loses, well guess what? SHE has to make the flying plans, pay the support, and make a decision to stay with her ex or not. It's her emotional pain, not yours. The kid's situation sucks either way, but why does it have to suck more for you? Because you're willing to bend and she ain't?

Kids are amazingly resilient, true that is. But you don't have to get f***ed up the a** in this. You divorced your wife for a reason. Her emotional shit is her emotional shit. You've got a court order that says she can't move. So respect the ORDER.

Quote: Face

I could try to force her to stay in NY, but that would destroy her marriage


Thanks SOOPOO (might as well put you on retainer ;) lol) We do have an agreement, it’s 300 miles.

Ok... here goes.... I feel mean saying this , but this is a no-brainer for me. I politely tell my ex... "Honey, we put that 300 mile thing in our agreement so we would both have a reasonable opportunity to be in our son's life. Surely you must have told the guy you were thinking about marrying about it! If he really cares about you and your son, he will understand that you cannot go with him. If he cares enough about you he will figure out a way to stay. But under no circumstances will my son be moved thousands of miles from me, his loving father. I hope you two can work it out."
You can always offer her the option of moving and your son staying with you, granting her liberal visitation opportunities. If you believe that him living with you is not a real feasible option, due to your job, lifestyle, etc... then don't ask for what you really don't want. If you are prepared to be the sole custodial parent, then, just enforce the 300 mile deal you agreed to.
I think, ESPECIALLY since you don't like the guy, that standing your ground is the only option.....

There are two sides to every story. I wish we could what your ex has to say. Best of luck, Face.