HotBlonde
HotBlonde
Joined: Feb 8, 2011
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July 22nd, 2011 at 11:52:36 AM permalink
So I own and have read most of Patti Stanger's "Become Your Own Matchmaker" book and in it she says to determine your "Ten Must-Haves, Five Non-Negotiables". She says to list them in order of priority. Although she has lots of advice in her book, she stresses the importance of this list and the five non-negotiables even more so as being one of the most important things she can share, and even goes so far as to say to take your five non-negotiables and write them down, laminate it, carry it around with you and to look at it and read it several times a day. She says when out in the dating world if someone doesn't meet these to stop dating them immediately.

Having noticed that I overlooked many things in previous men that I've dated and not having had clear-cut standards, I just developed my list. Now of course there are many other things that I prefer in a man such as good hygiene, someone who's respectful, has healthy habits, someone who's a good guy and admirable, etc., etc. but I'm listing things that are most important to me...

My Non-Negotiables and Must-Haves
Honest
Responsible
Positive
Very Affectionate

Emotionally Stable
Makes a Financially Healthy Living
Intelligent
Not obese

The ones in bold are in my 5 Non-Negotiables list. I left out 2 priorities on my list for personal reasons.

What are your Deal-Breakers? What characteristic, spiritually, physcially, emotionally, intellectually, or financially would make you walk away from someone if they possesed it? I know many of you are married, but regardless, what's absolutely important to you in regards to what you look for in a mate and what do you find intolerable?
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
benbakdoff
benbakdoff
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:13:04 PM permalink
I'm happily married, but a deal breaker for me would be the stench of cigarette smoke on the breath, clothing or hair. ICK!
SOOPOO
SOOPOO
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:16:25 PM permalink
As i re-read your post all I could think of is "WHAT ARE THE OTHER TWO PRIORITIES!". I think you can't really make the list that exact. Do you eliminate someone from the list because you found out he called in sick to work once to throw you a surprise party? (Not honest). Do you eliminate someone who feels the country is in BIG trouble because of its fiscal mess? (Not 'positive') Exactly what IQ or other measure do you define as 'intelligent'? The 'makes a financially healthy living' is most troublesome. If Mr. Right has all the others, and that too, and you form a relationship, do you dump him when he loses his job, and has to join the myriad of America's underemployed? I also think it is hard to asses if someone is really 'responsible' or emotionally stable, or very affectionette. During a dating process many things can be hidden or misleading to attract the other person, then the 'real' person shows later.
odiousgambit
odiousgambit
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:21:57 PM permalink
For what it is worth, I think I can say I have seen a lot of ladies screw up the first two items on your list, even though I suspect they valued it just as highly. Perhaps it is true that it is easier to see the faults of one's own fellow sex.

This is going to sound funny to you, but "will eat raw oysters" was high on my list.
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!” She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
Alan
Alan
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:36:30 PM permalink
Will watch porn.
thecesspit
thecesspit
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:39:43 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

So I own and have read most of Patti Stanger's "Become Your Own Matchmaker" book and in it she says to determine your "Ten Must-Haves, Five Non-Negotiables". She says to list them in order of priority. Although she has lots of advice in her book, she stresses the importance of this list and the five non-negotiables even more so as being one of the most important things she can share, and even goes so far as to say to take your five non-negotiables and write them down, laminate it, carry it around with you and to look at it and read it several times a day. She says when out in the dating world if someone doesn't meet these to stop dating them immediately.

....

What are your Deal-Breakers? What characteristic, spiritually, physcially, emotionally, intellectually, or financially would make you walk away from someone if they possesed it? I know many of you are married, but regardless, what's absolutely important to you in regards to what you look for in a mate and what do you find intolerable?



I don't have a written down list, but there's a mental list of things that I check off. I think if you need to have a laminated list, you not my type (and probably taking the whole find-a-match thing far too seriously to be relaxed about it)

Not Racist/Nazi/Xenophobe
Smart and intellectually curious
Employable (not necessarily currently employed, or a high earner)
Got their shit together
No children
Doesn't expect me to pay for everything

There's one definite physical turn off for me, that's petty, but there none the less, so there we go.
"Then you can admire the real gambler, who has neither eaten, slept, thought nor lived, he has so smarted under the scourge of his martingale, so suffered on the rack of his desire for a coup at trente-et-quarante" - Honore de Balzac, 1829
Alan
Alan
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:43:23 PM permalink
Got their shit together is a good one, but not very specific.

Does not have mental issues(that should eliminate about 90%)
HotBlonde
HotBlonde
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July 22nd, 2011 at 1:21:01 PM permalink
Quote: SOOPOO

As i re-read your post all I could think of is "WHAT ARE THE OTHER TWO PRIORITIES!". I think you can't really make the list that exact. Do you eliminate someone from the list because you found out he called in sick to work once to throw you a surprise party? (Not honest). Do you eliminate someone who feels the country is in BIG trouble because of its fiscal mess? (Not 'positive') Exactly what IQ or other measure do you define as 'intelligent'? The 'makes a financially healthy living' is most troublesome. If Mr. Right has all the others, and that too, and you form a relationship, do you dump him when he loses his job, and has to join the myriad of America's underemployed? I also think it is hard to asses if someone is really 'responsible' or emotionally stable, or very affectionette. During a dating process many things can be hidden or misleading to attract the other person, then the 'real' person shows later.

Haha, the 2 I left out on the list are "adult" in nature and I didn't feel comfortable sharing them openly.

No one can be perfectly honest or perfectly positive, etc., etc. It's more about where they're coming from at their core. Believe me, I'm not perfect in all of these ways. But making a dishonest living is bad versus calling in sick to work to throw a surprise party.

As far as intelligence goes, I put that instead of "educated". To me intelligent is someone who can be well-read and knowledgeable instead of actually having earned a specific degree, although having a degree is preferred. I know many of us are math lovers on here, but with some of these there are no way to actually quantify some of this stuff. I'm not going to say his I.Q. has to be 119 or above, or something too specific like that. As long as he's smart and not naive or taken advantage of easily.

I had a feeling I was going to be criticized for the "makes a financially healthy living" priority. Of course I would not dump him if he loses his job. I feel that in order to make good money (for the most part, of course there are exceptions) you have to possess certain attributes that brought you to a higher earning-potential and if you were to lose your job you'd be able to do something else well again because of the skills, experience, etc. that you have under your belt. And, in my defense, I would like to live a nice and comfortable life. I would like to live in a nice house and go on vacations and be able to afford music lessons, a nice education for any furture children, etc. and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's funny when girls have to justify this. I'm not a gold digger and I like living a good life.

In regards to being responsible and emotionally stable, I have to say that one of the best things I've ever read was chapter 2 of Brian Tracy's "GOALS!" book. The chapter was on responsibility. He says you can not blame others, justify your negative feelings, rationalize and make excuses for bad behavior, etc. and take responsibility at the same time. They are mutually exclusive. So I can find this out quickly by the way he talks about stuff. I had a boyfriend once who would bitch and complain all the time. "My boss is an asshole", "Gas prices are insanely high", "My ex did me wrong", "I hate this cigarette smoke I always have to breathe in on the patio at karaoke" and so on. He, to me, was constantly showing me how he was not taking responsibility for his life. It's like, "Get a different job then", "Ride your bike instead or just deal with it", "What part did you have in what she did to you?" and "Then stop going to that karaoke." See what I'm saying?

I don't think it's hard to see if someone is very physically affectionate or not, I think that would be the easiest to tell. I'm a very physically affectionate person. I like to kiss, hug, hold, cuddle, caress, etc. a lot. I've felt uncomfortable being in situations where I was with someone where I felt like I was more affectionate than they were. They have to like to touch me, and often.

I do have to say that a lot of these go hand in hand. If you're honest then that means you have a positive outlook on life and believe that the universe rewards honest behavior and that you don't feel you need to steal or cheat in order to get what you want in life. If you're responsible then you take charge of your life and don't get upset at things but find your responsibility in any situation and therefore don't become emotionally unstable. If you take responsibility for your life then you know that you're the only one who can get what you want in life and most people then can go pretty far and basically make a decent living. You see where I'm going.

And of course some people can hide things but the only way to find out these things is to spend time with them and listen to your intuition.

Quote: odiousgambit

This is going to sound funny to you, but "will eat raw oysters" was high on my list.

That's funny and I love oysters too. In a similar fashion I hate it when men tell me they won't eat sushi but they've never tried it. This could be another deal breaker for me and although someone might think that it's insignificant it says something about them. How can you knock something unless you've tried it? It reminds me of a story I heard about Henry Ford and how he wouldn't hire certain people until he tested them based on their assumptions. I think people who just assume things show a lack of intelligence and I find it completely annoying.

And again, I'm nowhere near perfect in all these catefories myself. But I'm thinking of admirable qualities in someone I'd want to be with and things I'd want both of us to teach any children we might have.
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
CrystalMath
CrystalMath
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July 22nd, 2011 at 1:23:03 PM permalink
Thankfully, I have found someone who fits the bill, but this is what I was looking for:

My ex-wife formed the basis of my list:

Responsible with money
Does her share of the house work
Has a decent job
Doesn't yell all the time
Enjoys sex (with me) more than 10 times a year
Doesn't cheat
Not controlling
Willing to embrace me and my 4 kids
Must have kids of her own

Women I have dated have formed some others:

No mental issues
Enjoys sex less than 365 times a year
Treats people respectfully
I heart Crystal Math.
thecesspit
thecesspit
Joined: Apr 19, 2010
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July 22nd, 2011 at 2:58:41 PM permalink
Quote: Alan

Got their shit together is a good one, but not very specific.



It's specific enough for me. It's vague in how I could write it down, but it's a quality that comes through after a short while of hanging out. Or at least it seems to...
"Then you can admire the real gambler, who has neither eaten, slept, thought nor lived, he has so smarted under the scourge of his martingale, so suffered on the rack of his desire for a coup at trente-et-quarante" - Honore de Balzac, 1829

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