HotBlonde
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July 22nd, 2011 at 11:52:36 AM permalink
So I own and have read most of Patti Stanger's "Become Your Own Matchmaker" book and in it she says to determine your "Ten Must-Haves, Five Non-Negotiables". She says to list them in order of priority. Although she has lots of advice in her book, she stresses the importance of this list and the five non-negotiables even more so as being one of the most important things she can share, and even goes so far as to say to take your five non-negotiables and write them down, laminate it, carry it around with you and to look at it and read it several times a day. She says when out in the dating world if someone doesn't meet these to stop dating them immediately.

Having noticed that I overlooked many things in previous men that I've dated and not having had clear-cut standards, I just developed my list. Now of course there are many other things that I prefer in a man such as good hygiene, someone who's respectful, has healthy habits, someone who's a good guy and admirable, etc., etc. but I'm listing things that are most important to me...

My Non-Negotiables and Must-Haves
Honest
Responsible
Positive
Very Affectionate

Emotionally Stable
Makes a Financially Healthy Living
Intelligent
Not obese

The ones in bold are in my 5 Non-Negotiables list. I left out 2 priorities on my list for personal reasons.

What are your Deal-Breakers? What characteristic, spiritually, physcially, emotionally, intellectually, or financially would make you walk away from someone if they possesed it? I know many of you are married, but regardless, what's absolutely important to you in regards to what you look for in a mate and what do you find intolerable?
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benbakdoff
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:13:04 PM permalink
I'm happily married, but a deal breaker for me would be the stench of cigarette smoke on the breath, clothing or hair. ICK!
SOOPOO
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:16:25 PM permalink
As i re-read your post all I could think of is "WHAT ARE THE OTHER TWO PRIORITIES!". I think you can't really make the list that exact. Do you eliminate someone from the list because you found out he called in sick to work once to throw you a surprise party? (Not honest). Do you eliminate someone who feels the country is in BIG trouble because of its fiscal mess? (Not 'positive') Exactly what IQ or other measure do you define as 'intelligent'? The 'makes a financially healthy living' is most troublesome. If Mr. Right has all the others, and that too, and you form a relationship, do you dump him when he loses his job, and has to join the myriad of America's underemployed? I also think it is hard to asses if someone is really 'responsible' or emotionally stable, or very affectionette. During a dating process many things can be hidden or misleading to attract the other person, then the 'real' person shows later.
odiousgambit
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:21:57 PM permalink
For what it is worth, I think I can say I have seen a lot of ladies screw up the first two items on your list, even though I suspect they valued it just as highly. Perhaps it is true that it is easier to see the faults of one's own fellow sex.

This is going to sound funny to you, but "will eat raw oysters" was high on my list.
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!”   She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
Alan
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:36:30 PM permalink
Will watch porn.
thecesspit
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:39:43 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

So I own and have read most of Patti Stanger's "Become Your Own Matchmaker" book and in it she says to determine your "Ten Must-Haves, Five Non-Negotiables". She says to list them in order of priority. Although she has lots of advice in her book, she stresses the importance of this list and the five non-negotiables even more so as being one of the most important things she can share, and even goes so far as to say to take your five non-negotiables and write them down, laminate it, carry it around with you and to look at it and read it several times a day. She says when out in the dating world if someone doesn't meet these to stop dating them immediately.

....

What are your Deal-Breakers? What characteristic, spiritually, physcially, emotionally, intellectually, or financially would make you walk away from someone if they possesed it? I know many of you are married, but regardless, what's absolutely important to you in regards to what you look for in a mate and what do you find intolerable?



I don't have a written down list, but there's a mental list of things that I check off. I think if you need to have a laminated list, you not my type (and probably taking the whole find-a-match thing far too seriously to be relaxed about it)

Not Racist/Nazi/Xenophobe
Smart and intellectually curious
Employable (not necessarily currently employed, or a high earner)
Got their shit together
No children
Doesn't expect me to pay for everything

There's one definite physical turn off for me, that's petty, but there none the less, so there we go.
"Then you can admire the real gambler, who has neither eaten, slept, thought nor lived, he has so smarted under the scourge of his martingale, so suffered on the rack of his desire for a coup at trente-et-quarante" - Honore de Balzac, 1829
Alan
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July 22nd, 2011 at 12:43:23 PM permalink
Got their shit together is a good one, but not very specific.

Does not have mental issues(that should eliminate about 90%)
HotBlonde
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July 22nd, 2011 at 1:21:01 PM permalink
Quote: SOOPOO

As i re-read your post all I could think of is "WHAT ARE THE OTHER TWO PRIORITIES!". I think you can't really make the list that exact. Do you eliminate someone from the list because you found out he called in sick to work once to throw you a surprise party? (Not honest). Do you eliminate someone who feels the country is in BIG trouble because of its fiscal mess? (Not 'positive') Exactly what IQ or other measure do you define as 'intelligent'? The 'makes a financially healthy living' is most troublesome. If Mr. Right has all the others, and that too, and you form a relationship, do you dump him when he loses his job, and has to join the myriad of America's underemployed? I also think it is hard to asses if someone is really 'responsible' or emotionally stable, or very affectionette. During a dating process many things can be hidden or misleading to attract the other person, then the 'real' person shows later.

Haha, the 2 I left out on the list are "adult" in nature and I didn't feel comfortable sharing them openly.

No one can be perfectly honest or perfectly positive, etc., etc. It's more about where they're coming from at their core. Believe me, I'm not perfect in all of these ways. But making a dishonest living is bad versus calling in sick to work to throw a surprise party.

As far as intelligence goes, I put that instead of "educated". To me intelligent is someone who can be well-read and knowledgeable instead of actually having earned a specific degree, although having a degree is preferred. I know many of us are math lovers on here, but with some of these there are no way to actually quantify some of this stuff. I'm not going to say his I.Q. has to be 119 or above, or something too specific like that. As long as he's smart and not naive or taken advantage of easily.

I had a feeling I was going to be criticized for the "makes a financially healthy living" priority. Of course I would not dump him if he loses his job. I feel that in order to make good money (for the most part, of course there are exceptions) you have to possess certain attributes that brought you to a higher earning-potential and if you were to lose your job you'd be able to do something else well again because of the skills, experience, etc. that you have under your belt. And, in my defense, I would like to live a nice and comfortable life. I would like to live in a nice house and go on vacations and be able to afford music lessons, a nice education for any furture children, etc. and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's funny when girls have to justify this. I'm not a gold digger and I like living a good life.

In regards to being responsible and emotionally stable, I have to say that one of the best things I've ever read was chapter 2 of Brian Tracy's "GOALS!" book. The chapter was on responsibility. He says you can not blame others, justify your negative feelings, rationalize and make excuses for bad behavior, etc. and take responsibility at the same time. They are mutually exclusive. So I can find this out quickly by the way he talks about stuff. I had a boyfriend once who would bitch and complain all the time. "My boss is an asshole", "Gas prices are insanely high", "My ex did me wrong", "I hate this cigarette smoke I always have to breathe in on the patio at karaoke" and so on. He, to me, was constantly showing me how he was not taking responsibility for his life. It's like, "Get a different job then", "Ride your bike instead or just deal with it", "What part did you have in what she did to you?" and "Then stop going to that karaoke." See what I'm saying?

I don't think it's hard to see if someone is very physically affectionate or not, I think that would be the easiest to tell. I'm a very physically affectionate person. I like to kiss, hug, hold, cuddle, caress, etc. a lot. I've felt uncomfortable being in situations where I was with someone where I felt like I was more affectionate than they were. They have to like to touch me, and often.

I do have to say that a lot of these go hand in hand. If you're honest then that means you have a positive outlook on life and believe that the universe rewards honest behavior and that you don't feel you need to steal or cheat in order to get what you want in life. If you're responsible then you take charge of your life and don't get upset at things but find your responsibility in any situation and therefore don't become emotionally unstable. If you take responsibility for your life then you know that you're the only one who can get what you want in life and most people then can go pretty far and basically make a decent living. You see where I'm going.

And of course some people can hide things but the only way to find out these things is to spend time with them and listen to your intuition.

Quote: odiousgambit

This is going to sound funny to you, but "will eat raw oysters" was high on my list.

That's funny and I love oysters too. In a similar fashion I hate it when men tell me they won't eat sushi but they've never tried it. This could be another deal breaker for me and although someone might think that it's insignificant it says something about them. How can you knock something unless you've tried it? It reminds me of a story I heard about Henry Ford and how he wouldn't hire certain people until he tested them based on their assumptions. I think people who just assume things show a lack of intelligence and I find it completely annoying.

And again, I'm nowhere near perfect in all these catefories myself. But I'm thinking of admirable qualities in someone I'd want to be with and things I'd want both of us to teach any children we might have.
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
CrystalMath
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July 22nd, 2011 at 1:23:03 PM permalink
Thankfully, I have found someone who fits the bill, but this is what I was looking for:

My ex-wife formed the basis of my list:

Responsible with money
Does her share of the house work
Has a decent job
Doesn't yell all the time
Enjoys sex (with me) more than 10 times a year
Doesn't cheat
Not controlling
Willing to embrace me and my 4 kids
Must have kids of her own

Women I have dated have formed some others:

No mental issues
Enjoys sex less than 365 times a year
Treats people respectfully
I heart Crystal Math.
thecesspit
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July 22nd, 2011 at 2:58:41 PM permalink
Quote: Alan

Got their shit together is a good one, but not very specific.



It's specific enough for me. It's vague in how I could write it down, but it's a quality that comes through after a short while of hanging out. Or at least it seems to...
"Then you can admire the real gambler, who has neither eaten, slept, thought nor lived, he has so smarted under the scourge of his martingale, so suffered on the rack of his desire for a coup at trente-et-quarante" - Honore de Balzac, 1829
FleaStiff
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July 22nd, 2011 at 3:45:17 PM permalink
Honest -- How long would it take you to discover this? In what ways would it be revealed? Change at the liquor store?
Responsible -- Same thing. This is so vague that I have trouble seeing how irresponsibility would be revealed unless he showed up late for your first date or couldn't find his valet parking card.
Positive -- Do you mean assertive and sticking to some decision or do you mean not wishy-washy and not morose.
Very Affectionate -- All men are affectionate with a Hot Blonde. Its usually a question of do they mean it or not.
Emotionally Stable -- Prior divorces or prior job changes would be indicative of instability??
Makes a Financially Healthy Living-- Now that is one that can be determined promptly: clothes, car or car key, locations chosen, etc.
Intelligent -- If he is interested in you of course he is intelligent.
Not obese -- Just about the only trait you've listed that is quickly determined.

I'm struck by not just the vagueness of these traits but by their shallowness.
Look at what is NOT on your list.
Similar interests. (Team sports or individual exercise, what area of the bookstore should he be most interested in, lectures or lap dances, prestigious car or 15 year old sturdy Saab, employee or owner).
Similar values towards money. (If a 'windfall' arrived, would he blow it on a trip to Vegas, invest in a long term bond, buy a carpet, take a course, etc.).
Nareed
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July 22nd, 2011 at 3:55:38 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

That's funny and I love oysters too. In a similar fashion I hate it when men tell me they won't eat sushi but they've never tried it. This could be another deal breaker for me and although someone might think that it's insignificant it says something about them. How can you knock something unless you've tried it?



Not liking something, or not wanting to try something, isn't the same thing as "knocking it." I take knocking it to mean something like to demean, belittle or bad-mouth something or someone.

I've never tried sushi and don't ever intend to. I have a good reason, though: the mere smell of fish and seafood, cooked, raw or spoiled, makes me nauseated. I have tried cooked fish and seafood, with very unpleasant results.

But there are a number of other thigns I won't ever try because their appearance is gross, or unappetizing, or because I dislike the texture. For me a deal breaker would include a man who insists I try something after I've made it clear I don't want to.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
zippyboy
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July 22nd, 2011 at 3:59:14 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

Haha, the 2 I left out on the list are "adult" in nature and I didn't feel comfortable sharing them openly.


Lemme guess...... 1. size does matter, and 2. must be frequent & enthusiastic oral sex reciprocator.
"Poker sure is an easy game to beat if you have the roll to keep rebuying."
HotBlonde
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July 22nd, 2011 at 4:15:25 PM permalink
Quote: FleaStiff

Honest -- How long would it take you to discover this? In what ways would it be revealed? Change at the liquor store?
Responsible -- Same thing. This is so vague that I have trouble seeing how irresponsibility would be revealed unless he showed up late for your first date or couldn't find his valet parking card.
Positive -- Do you mean assertive and sticking to some decision or do you mean not wishy-washy and not morose.
Very Affectionate -- All men are affectionate with a Hot Blonde. Its usually a question of do they mean it or not.
Emotionally Stable -- Prior divorces or prior job changes would be indicative of instability??
Makes a Financially Healthy Living-- Now that is one that can be determined promptly: clothes, car or car key, locations chosen, etc.
Intelligent -- If he is interested in you of course he is intelligent.
Not obese -- Just about the only trait you've listed that is quickly determined.

I'm struck by not just the vagueness of these traits but by their shallowness.
Look at what is NOT on your list.
Similar interests. (Team sports or individual exercise, what area of the bookstore should he be most interested in, lectures or lap dances, prestigious car or 15 year old sturdy Saab, employee or owner).
Similar values towards money. (If a 'windfall' arrived, would he blow it on a trip to Vegas, invest in a long term bond, buy a carpet, take a course, etc.).

I'm kinda confused how you think I'm being vague and shallow. And you get to find out these things by dating them. Patti says it should take up to 90 days to determine whether you want to be in a relationship with someone, so that should be a decent amount of time to get a good idea. And Patti says you should have at least 2 similar interests with the other person. So obviously I'd prefer someone who likes Vegas and would enjoy gambling with me but it's not a complete deal-breaker. I think there are more important things than that.

If he's someone who takes responsibility for his life and doesn't make excuses then that's responsible. And by positive I mean having a positive outlook on life. I don't know why this is hard to understand.
Quote: zippyboy

Lemme guess...... 1. size does matter, and 2. must be frequent & enthusiastic oral sex reciprocator.

Hahaha, wow! I'm going to keep my mouth shut on this one... I'm not telling! :D
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matilda
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July 22nd, 2011 at 6:33:33 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde


Hahaha, wow! I'm going to keep my mouth shut on this one... I'm not telling!



Perhaps upon reflection you might consider rephrasing your remark.
Wizard
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July 22nd, 2011 at 8:43:38 PM permalink
My only dealer breaker is tobacco smoking.
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow." -- Ecclesiastes 1:18 (NIV)
s2dbaker
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July 22nd, 2011 at 9:02:23 PM permalink
Resort Fees, that's my deal breaker! :)
Someday, joor goin' to see the name of Googie Gomez in lights and joor goin' to say to joorself, "Was that her?" and then joor goin' to answer to joorself, "That was her!" But you know somethin' mister? I was always her yuss nobody knows it! - Googie Gomez
zippyboy
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July 22nd, 2011 at 9:22:04 PM permalink
Quote: Wizard

My only dealer breaker is tobacco smoking.


Yeah, that, and if she has an Adam's Apple.
"Poker sure is an easy game to beat if you have the roll to keep rebuying."
HotBlonde
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July 22nd, 2011 at 11:23:32 PM permalink
Quote: Wizard

My only dealer breaker is tobacco smoking.

I smoke cigars on occasion, does that count?
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EvenBob
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onenickelmiracle
July 22nd, 2011 at 11:47:55 PM permalink
Easy. A break in the trust. If I don't trust who I'm with, on everything, I'm gone.

I read a book about relationships at least 25 years ago that had and interesting preface. It said that every relationship has trust as its foundation. It said if you don't trust the person you're with, in everything, money, cheating, lying, if you don't trust them completely, you don't have a real relationship, you're kidding yourself. It said if you don't trust the person, put the book down and walk away and come back when you find a real relationship, one where growth is possible.

I trust my wife absolutely. If I didn't, whats the point.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
zippyboy
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July 23rd, 2011 at 12:22:14 AM permalink
I think it's interesting if you try to set two people up on a blind date, the man will always ask "What does she look like?" and the woman will ask "What does he do?". Thousands of years of evolution and we're all still hard-wired like we're in the stone age. Woman still looks for the best provider she can get and dolls herself up with make-up and implants to land the richest man she can, while the man furthers himself in his career to get the hottest babe he can, and keeps trading up as his salary increases.

Deal-breakers for men: she's homely, fat or said "no" on the second date.
Deal-breakers for women: he's poor, I can't trust him, no sense of humor.

Women say: He may be fat, bald and 78 years old, but he's a billionaire, so I'll take him. (eg: all Hefner's GFs and wives, Murdock's hot Asian wife Wendi, Anna Nicole Smith, etc.)

Men say: I'm a rich mofo and I want HER. (Trump, Murdock, that Lost actor who married the 16 year old last month, etc)



It's natural, predictable and nothing to be ashamed of. Male teachers probably screw their students all the time, but it's the Mary Kay Letourneaus of the world that make the news because it goes against type.
"Poker sure is an easy game to beat if you have the roll to keep rebuying."
odiousgambit
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July 23rd, 2011 at 9:39:31 AM permalink
two thoughts:

*a man has millions of sperm. A woman has a few eggs. This demands a different strategy for each through the eons. Note that even if you do not plan to have children that you instinctively are guided by this anyway.

*regarding judging a man's wealth by his display of wealth, I'll relate only the last story I heard: a co-worker's sister ran into a man with a nice sportscar, house, and a purported six figure income. She got pregnant, but he doesn't marry her. As she sues for child support she finds he is in hock to his eyeballs and made about 40K per year when he is working. He doesnt always have work. Naturally my co-worker and I have been marveling at how women can be duped by these people.
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!”   She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
Wizard
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July 23rd, 2011 at 9:19:47 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

I smoke cigars on occasion, does that count?



Ooo -- disgusting. However, if it is just once in a while it isn't a deal breaker, but would be strike one.
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow." -- Ecclesiastes 1:18 (NIV)
MrV
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July 23rd, 2011 at 9:26:04 PM permalink
Sorry, Hotblond, but I cannot accept your premise that there are five qualities which are truly nonnegotiable.

EVERYTHING is negotiable.
"What, me worry?"
EvenBob
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July 23rd, 2011 at 10:08:48 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde



My Non-Negotiables and Must-Haves
Honest
Responsible
Positive
Very Affectionate

Emotionally Stable
Makes a Financially Healthy Living
Intelligent
Not obese



Hell, throw in good looking and I want this guy, and I'm not Gay.
He doesn't exist, its a fantasy. I know men that have 2 or 3 or maybe
4, but not all of them. Not even close.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
thecesspit
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July 24th, 2011 at 11:50:17 AM permalink
Quote: zippyboy

I think it's interesting if you try to set two people up on a blind date, the man will always ask "What does she look like?" and the woman will ask "What does he do?". Thousands of years of evolution and we're all still hard-wired like we're in the stone age. Woman still looks for the best provider she can get and dolls herself up with make-up and implants to land the richest man she can, while the man furthers himself in his career to get the hottest babe he can, and keeps trading up as his salary increases.



Not too surprising, as a few thousand years isn't long enough to evolve away us being upright, naked apes walking around looking for berries and meat.
"Then you can admire the real gambler, who has neither eaten, slept, thought nor lived, he has so smarted under the scourge of his martingale, so suffered on the rack of his desire for a coup at trente-et-quarante" - Honore de Balzac, 1829
odiousgambit
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July 24th, 2011 at 12:21:43 PM permalink
Quote: thecesspit

naked apes walking around looking for berries and meat.



judging by this thread, evidently there is some residual instinctive urge to do something else while naked too [g]
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: “Thanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!”   She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
FleaStiff
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July 24th, 2011 at 1:50:22 PM permalink
Quote: odiousgambit

ran into a man with a nice sports car, house, and a purported six figure income. She got pregnant, but he doesn't marry her. As she sues for child support she finds he is in hock to his eyeballs and made about 40K per year when he is working. He doesn't always have work. Naturally my co-worker and I have been marveling at how women can be duped by these people.

Men are often duped too, but its so much easier for a woman to dupe a man. Women tend to be trusting and to base decisions on such items as: clothes, car, manicured nails, etc.

Perhaps we should all advise Hot Blonde to be certain to hire a private detective. I know one girl who was a minor when she married. She retained a CPA and a private detective first though.
HotBlonde
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July 25th, 2011 at 2:26:23 PM permalink
Quote: EvenBob

He doesn't exist, its a fantasy. I know men that have 2 or 3 or maybe
4, but not all of them. Not even close.

I'll remember not to have you set me up with any of your friends.
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
FleaStiff
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July 25th, 2011 at 2:59:16 PM permalink
Quote: EvenBob


He doesn't exist, its a fantasy.


Or as one comedy writer on a soap opera put it " Men like that are everywhere, you can spot them by their wedding rings".

I'd say to Hot Blonde: Never settle.

(Of course the contrary advice would be that cartoon featuring a spider-web bedecked skeleton sitting on a park bench and the caption "Waiting for the perfect man".)
EvenBob
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July 25th, 2011 at 3:26:53 PM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

I'll remember not to have you set me up with any of your friends.



Honest
Responsible
Positive
Very Affectionate
Emotionally Stable
Makes a Financially Healthy Living
Intelligent
Not obese

You want a rich, educated, thin, affectionate, honest (doesn't cheat),
upbeat, responsible (doesn't gamble the house away), stable (no depression,
anger issues, wife beating), good looking husband. You want a
romance book fantasy and daddy all rolled into one. He doesn't exist,
and if he did, he'd want a 23 year old beauty queen to fulfill all his
fantasies.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
thecesspit
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July 25th, 2011 at 3:34:29 PM permalink
I don't know, not obese != thin, and financially healthy != rich. I am sure HotBlonde has her own rules of thumb on what constitutes non-obese and financially stable.

She doesn't use danger words like "to take care of me" or "to look great on my arm" or "must have six pack"...
"Then you can admire the real gambler, who has neither eaten, slept, thought nor lived, he has so smarted under the scourge of his martingale, so suffered on the rack of his desire for a coup at trente-et-quarante" - Honore de Balzac, 1829
EvenBob
EvenBob
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July 25th, 2011 at 3:57:34 PM permalink
Quote: thecesspit

I don't know, not obese != thin, and financially healthy != rich.



I know how this works, I have a 30 year old
daughter who hasn't had a boyfriend in
5 years. The older she gets, the more the
fantasy of what she'll settle for in a man
increases. He has to be all the things listed
above and more. She hangs out with
her girlfriends who aren't married and they
go to movies and hockey games and go
to each other houses and bake brownies
and cookies all the time and sit around
while their butts get bigger, and complain
about why they can't find the man of their
dreams. I'm convinced she'll never find
anybody, she doesn't really want to give up
the girlfriend-fun-and fudge lifestyle.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
FleaStiff
FleaStiff
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July 25th, 2011 at 4:55:18 PM permalink
If she has girlfriends, fun and fudge ... what does she need with an animated vibrator that doesn't make half the money he claimed he did?
HotBlonde
HotBlonde
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July 25th, 2011 at 7:15:09 PM permalink
Quote: FleaStiff

I'd say to Hot Blonde: Never settle.

Thank you, it already shows that you're more positive than EvenBob.

And if not settling means I'll be single for the rest of my life then I am 100% okay with that. I'd like to eventually be in a loving relationship with an awesome guy but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen. Too many women out there are desperate, thinking their lives would be better only if they had a man in their lives. To think that your life would be better that way is to be believing a lie.
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
boymimbo
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July 25th, 2011 at 7:50:49 PM permalink
Balderdash.

Dealbreakers are few and far between: cheating, bad at sex, drug addict, thief, criminal. My standards are pretty low. Love, however, is created by something that can't be defined. My wife is not perfect, but she's perfect for me. She has a mixture of qualities, none of which that are dealbreakers, that make her special for me. Were I to write down what I wanted in a wife or what characteristics I wanted in a companion and then decided to only accept those on the list I would have never met her, or I would have discarded her right away. For example, she's politically opposite from me. She drinks more than she should. She's antisocial, all of which are qualities that do not describe perfection. I'm not perfect either. I like to gamble, I'm too friendly, I'm politically left. I myself am guilty of one of the qualities on my own list (and it's not bad at sex).

So, rather than look for a list of qualities, keep your heart and mind open and see what comes along. I'm not saying "be desparate", but keep your heart and mind open, and the imperfect man (but perfect for you) will come into your life.
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
konceptum
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July 25th, 2011 at 11:11:00 PM permalink
A female friend of mine recently sent me an email with what she was looking for in a man. (Maybe all these women read the same thing recently?) Anyway, her list was 20 items long. At first, it seemed like a lot, but after I really stopped to analyze what she had wrote, a lot of the items were just the same thing, only worded differently. (Stuff like, enjoys spending time with my kids, and enjoys traveling with my kids, to me, were basically the same thing.) After I reduced the list to core values, there were only 7, which seemed much more reasonable.

I think, as we get older, it gets harder and harder for us to change ourselves. Furthermore, we are less likely to want to change somebody else. That makes it more and more difficult to find somebody, since we're no longer looking for someone we can change into what we want, but rather that someone who already fits what we want. Needless to say, it gets harder to find that.

Trying to figure out what I'm looking for in a woman was too hard for me, so instead I decided to make a list of what I definitely do not want: unwilling to learn, lazy (by my definition), financially irresponsible (by my definition), and anger issues and/or mean.
EvenBob
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July 25th, 2011 at 11:56:42 PM permalink
Quote: boymimbo


but keep your heart and mind open, and the imperfect man (but perfect for you) will come into your life.



The perfect man never comes along, you
settle for an imperfect one and make him
perfect for you. Just find one who's a nice
guy and doesn't have opinions written in
stone. The opposite of me..
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
thecesspit
thecesspit
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July 26th, 2011 at 12:06:28 AM permalink
Quote: EvenBob

The perfect man never comes along, you
settle for an imperfect one and make him
perfect for you. Just find one who's a nice
guy and doesn't have opinions written in
stone. The opposite of me..



There's a deal breaker, the woman who will try and turn you into something else as a special project.
"Then you can admire the real gambler, who has neither eaten, slept, thought nor lived, he has so smarted under the scourge of his martingale, so suffered on the rack of his desire for a coup at trente-et-quarante" - Honore de Balzac, 1829
FleaStiff
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July 26th, 2011 at 1:04:13 AM permalink
Quote: thecesspit

There's a deal breaker, the woman who will try and turn you into something else as a special project.


Yes, that is often a deal breaker. The wiser woman accepts the faults as the price she is paying. Some women nag about smoking but the wiser one simply states her case once. One woman enjoyed a wonderful marriage to a wonderful guy ... she accepted his long term relationship with a mistress. She enjoyed the 90 percent of his time and income too much to obsess about the missing ten percent. Often a mistress is a deal breaker but it seems to be coming more common that such arbitrary and inflexible rules are being relaxed. Wives and ex-wives often meet for "dinner, wine and the California sunset".
EvenBob
EvenBob
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July 26th, 2011 at 1:32:49 AM permalink
Quote: thecesspit

There's a deal breaker, the woman who will try and turn you into something else as a special project.



Yeah, uh huh. I have never seen a relationship
where the woman didn't change the man into
what she wanted. It starts out with small things,
it doesn't happen overnight. Of course the man
never knows its happening.
"It's not called gambling if the math is on your side."
SFB
SFB
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July 26th, 2011 at 6:57:54 AM permalink
Hot:

Just so you know, your author about "Deal-breakers" is just riffing on what marriage counsoler's have been recommended for years.

Just try this list from Dr. Harley: 10 Emotional Needs

IF your spouse meets you top 3 to 5 emotional needs, then YOU will be in a happy marriage. If you do the same for your spouse's top 3 to 5 emotional needs, then your spouse will be in a happy marriage as well.

And meeting your own emotional needs is not the same as meeting your spouse's emotional needs.

Case in point. Domestic support. (Cleaning the house...) You may want a spotless house. It doesn't matter to him. So, you need him to help out. You WANT him to help out. He doesn't care. That makes conflict.

On the other hand, lets discuss Admiration. This is usually real high on most guys list. If your spouse tell you that you are great, the rest of your life is pretty good. But the spouse is the first one to withhold this when she is upset. Why? Cause it works.

NONE of these Emotional Needs are any more important than the others. Read that: NONE of these are any more important than ant of the others. YOU arethe one who determines what is MOST important to you, and then LOOK for that, and expect to continue to recieve that from someone who finds you suitable.

So, if you think that your spouse has to be Physically Attractive? Dosn't make you shallow. It just means you want your spouse to look good. Your spouse may think you are shallow, especially if you blow up to 300 lbs and have stringy hair. Becasue then you are NOT getting your emotional needs met, and your upset with your spouse.

And if your spouse wants you to provide Financial Support? If you lose your job, or remain underemployed, you might think your OK, but your wife is pissed. Becasue her need for Financial Support isn't being met. Even if she is making a good living, she still wants you to add more to the pile.

So, that in a nutshell is why no Emotional Need is any better than any other ones. They are YOURS. HotBlonde put her's out there for all to see. And you will see that her list coorespondes nicely with Dr. Harleys. Cristism of HER list is just imposing YOUR emotional Needs priorities onto hers. That is a recipe for conflict.

SFB
SFB
SFB
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July 26th, 2011 at 7:00:18 AM permalink
As an aside:

This quote I can expand on, and get most every guy here to agree with me:
Quote: SFB

On the other hand, lets discuss Admiration. This is usually real high on most guys list. If your spouse tell you that you are great, the rest of your life is pretty good. But the spouse is the first one to withhold this when she is upset. Why? Cause it works.



But I gotta run.

I will be back for more.

SFB
FleaStiff
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July 26th, 2011 at 7:14:32 AM permalink
Quote: EvenBob

Of course the man never knows its happening.


Yes he does.

Its like that thing with the morning pastry. He walked around with the pastry on a plate and she didn't have to get the crumbs off the rug before they were married, but they are married now so shut up about the darned plate and pick up the crumbs! Some of the changes she wants made were deceits he adopted out of social and sexual necessity and some of the changes she wants made are simply things she knew she didn't like but thought she could change via the magic words of "I do" and "Honey, I'm pregnant".

What frees women from this is better economic options, the availability of friends with benefits and a general separation of love life and sex life. Many women still cling to the fairy tale type "live happily ever after" notion once they've settled on some particular jerk from the stag line that isn't all that much different from the others there.
kp
kp
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July 26th, 2011 at 8:16:39 AM permalink
Quote: boymimbo

cheating, bad at sex, drug addict, thief, criminal ... I myself am guilty of one of the qualities ... and it's not bad at sex



I think if I had to be guilty of something on that list, I'd rather be bad at sex over any of the other choices.

Is "bad at sex" a deal breaker? What do you do - tell them to "go out and get some more experience and come back and try again"? What ever happened to wanting 72 female virgins and 28 male virgins?
Nareed
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July 26th, 2011 at 9:05:12 AM permalink
Quote: SFB

On the other hand, lets discuss Admiration. This is usually real high on most guys list. If your spouse tell you that you are great, the rest of your life is pretty good. But the spouse is the first one to withhold this when she is upset. Why? Cause it works.



That's very interesting. In another thread I wrote the following:

"I mostly go by personality, since looks do nothing for me. Yet I do take some physical aspects into consideration. All other things being equal, I'd rather have a slim or fit man than an overweight one. And I absolutely loathe facial hair. Persoanlity still matters most. I like a man who's nice to me and attentive, one whom I can talk to about many diferent subjects, and of course one who's not troubled by who and what I am; which isn't so easy to find as you might have guessed. Overall I want a man I can look up to."
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
FleaStiff
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July 26th, 2011 at 9:11:53 AM permalink
Quote: Nareed

Overall I want a man I can look up to."

Which means he will be looking down on you.
HotBlonde
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July 26th, 2011 at 10:11:20 AM permalink
Quote: thecesspit

There's a deal breaker, the woman who will try and turn you into something else as a special project.

I do have to say that many women are guilty of trying to change their men. I have been guilty of that in the past. What I've realized, after having matured over time, is that if I was unhappy about things in my significant other than rather than changing them I should've listened to what it was telling me, and it usually meant that he was not the one for me and that I needed to break up with them and move on. Now of course in some circumstances there may have been things where I just needed to sit back and respect that he was like that and find that if I had a problem with it then that was MY problem. But with a couple of my boyfriends I felt the "need" to change the way they dressed and made sure they had on clean clothes and fresh haircuts. Really I was overlooking the fact that they were slobs who didn't care about how they looked out and around my family. So instead of changing them I should have realized that they were simply not for me and I should've quickly moved on instead. Now I listen to my gut so if this is something that they're doing before we get into a relationship then I know not to begin one in the first place.

Quote: SFB

So, that in a nutshell is why no Emotional Need is any better than any other ones. They are YOURS. HotBlonde put her's out there for all to see. And you will see that her list coorespondes nicely with Dr. Harleys. Cristism of HER list is just imposing YOUR emotional Needs priorities onto hers. That is a recipe for conflict.

Thank you very much for coming to my defense. I also want to say that my deal-breakers list is to me really a list of PREFERENCES and not NEEDS. Since I am a follower of the teachings of Byron Katie, I believe that there is never really anything I could ever NEED from someone else. Some of you may find that controversial. To feel that you ever need ANYTHING from anyone on this planet, for that matter, is to fool yourself. To me that is why there is so much conflict in relationships. "You're not giving me what I need!" and "I expect you to fill my needs!" and other such variations are just confusions. I can want a loyal man and someone who is honest and prefer him to not big terribly physically out of shape, but those are my preferences. It's funny when people think even simply that they NEED someone in their life. If you live with the idea that your life is fine just the way it is, with or without someone, you'll find yourself in a much more peaceful place. (This is also where responsibility comes in - Katie teaches about complete responsibility. I don't expect anyone else to make me happy, that's my job.)

Quote: kp

Is "bad at sex" a deal breaker?

I can't imagine having terrible sex for the rest of my life. To me, at least, not just sex but GREAT sex is really important. Sexual chemistry is something you won't be able to discover until you've spent time in bed with the person.

Quote: Nareed

Overall I want a man I can look up to.

I agree with you 100%. I've found that my last few boyfriends were ones that I wasn't proud of. To look up to and admire the man I'm with is a wonderful thing. It reminds me of this picture of Shania and her husband:



Forget about the fact that they're now divorced, I really don't want to hear any rants about that because that's totally beside the point. I'm just saying that when I think of a woman looking up to her man I think of this cute and innocent picture. It seems like she's looking up to him with such admiration.
OFFICIALLY and justifiably reclaimed my title as SuperHotBlonde!
kp
kp
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July 26th, 2011 at 10:47:02 AM permalink
Quote: HotBlonde

I can't imagine having terrible sex for the rest of my life. To me, at least, not just sex but GREAT sex is really important. Sexual chemistry is something you won't be able to discover until you've spent time in bed with the person.



This is a good area where you can try and change the other person if it's a case of being educated vs. preferences and outlook. You can take an inexperienced lover and train them to your desires. There is not much you can do with someone who believes sex should only be for procreation, and then only in the missionary position, on Mondays, at 9pm.
boymimbo
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July 26th, 2011 at 10:50:19 AM permalink
With Shania and Mutt, the relationship was such that he was not just her partner, but also her songwriter. Their lives were very intertwined, and yes, it did end up in a divorce where they ended up cheating with their best friends. Ugggg.

That said, would you discard a partner if they had every single other quality that you wanted but wasn't great in bed? This comes after stating that "you don't need anything from someone else". Well apparently you need great sex.

If you don't need anything from someone else, then why have a partner at all. What's the point? You list all of these great qualities that you want your partner to have, yet you don't need anything from him? You kind of are setting yourself up to try to obtain something that's not attainable.... a partner with great qualities but who you don't need. What about his needs?

You come on this website, which you know quite well are dominated by men, to ask what our dealbreakers are? To what end? Curiousity? A tease? To help understand men?
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
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