My Husband Is Bisexual....

Hi! So to start off, my husband and I have been married about one year now. He is an otherwise masculine guy, having spent a year in Iraq serving our country and is an amazing father to our son. When we first met, tho, he had gotten a little too drunk on our date and told me that he was bisexual. Having being raised in a traditional southern household, anybody who wasnt white and wasnt straight was an abomination of God. Now, please, if youre reading this, do not assume that this is my mentality. This is simply how i was brought up and habits are hard to break. Anyways, I didnt put too much thought into what he told me, because I figured it was just him being too drunk. However, he started taking me to his gay friends' houses and looking at gay porn. It started to bother me more and more, but still i said nothing. Maybe i stayed quiet because I was afraid of what he'd say, and i didnt want to deal with it. One day, tho, my girlfriends and i were skimming thru the m4m section on Craigslist just for fun, and we ran across a picture of my husband. He was trying to explore his bisexuality on a social networking site by advertising himself as "FIRST TIME BOTTOM LOOKING FOR TOP". It made me sick. I wanted to puke, and i didnt know why. It was just so strange to me. On one level, i was devistated because im my mindset, being with someone of the same sex de-masculates him. I didnt view him as my ruthless, knight in shining armour anymore. On another level, I was heartbroken because he didnt open up to me about this. I confronted him later that day, and the shit hit the fan so to speak. He told me (after MUCH PERSUASION) that he had blown a few guys for marajuana, had sex with another guy in the shower while he was deployed, and sucked some guys d**k to get the job that he is currently working at. He is horrible embarrassed by it and i just didnt know what to do. I love him, but i needed some time to think. He swears that he isnt Bisexual anymore, but I dont think it works like that? Its not something that you can just turn on and off. But if he isnt bisexual anymore, i would feel like he is repressing his feelings which is unhealthy on so many levels. HELP!

Is there a way that he can turn not-bisexual?

Is he telling the truth that he's straight now?

If i decide that I cant handle this, would it be fair to leave?


Thank you for your help!

Does it sound right to you that your husband changed his sexual orientation because he is 'horribly embarrassed'? It is much more likely that he is either lying to you or lying to himself.

I am a gay man and I can tell you that you're sexual preference(s) does not change. You don't turn gay overnight yourself, do you?

I think that he's telling the truth that he is embarrassed and that he doesn't want sex with another man anymore. For now. But his sexual cravings for gay sex will come back once he has overcome the embarrassment. Unfortunately I can't tell you how to deal with it...

You're wondering if you should stay married to a gay man who has cheated on you repeatedly?

You say he's a good father so just stay friends with him, and parent the child together on good terms. But it's time for you to be able to find love, like he is trying to do. You should leave.

Quote: aweber5

Is there a way that he can turn not-bisexual?

A leopard cannot change his spots... a man cannot change. I know you are devastated, and I'm sorry for you, but to mention this is almost laughable to me.

Quote: aweber5

Is he telling the truth that he's straight now?

He may be telling the truth that he is at THAT MOMENT, when he's with you. But he'll stray again, they always do.

Quote: aweber5

If i decide that I cant handle this, would it be fair to leave?

Fair to who? You? You need to leave him. It may be tough, but encourage him to find himself and hope he can come to terms as a gay man. You need to also get tested for STD's immediately. My guess is he hasn't practiced safe sex and he very easily could have transferred diseases to you.

Fair to him? He's the one who cheated, and you need to confront the entire situation like that. Be supportive (as hard as it may be) but get out of that relationship fast!

Quote: aweber5

..and sucked some guys d**k to get the job that he is currently working at..

I have some sad news, he's still doing it. If that's how he got the job, it's also how he's keeping the job.

If you love someone, set them free (and the colored girls sing - "free free, set them free"). He has spawned with you and I'm sure he'll be a wonderful father to a wonderful child but he's gay. He probably loves you very much but he's gay. You need to find a heterosexual man with which to live the rest of your life. This one is gay.

I suggest that in the process of moving on, you help him learn to find himself, not by "participating" in anything of a sexual nature, but by not being visibly nauseous whenever the subject of the gay comes up. Remember, he's gay. If you show repulsion to anything gay, what he's seeing is repulsion to him and it will throw him deeper into the closet which is working against your goal. Your goal is get him to be well adjusted and happy with who he is and the sooner that happens, the sooner you can move on. You're not getting any younger! He'll be happier, you'll be happier, life throws everyone curve balls, just be relieved it isn't brain cancer or something that will leave a mark.

Quote: aweber5

However, he started taking me to his gay friends' houses and looking at gay porn. It started to bother me more and more, but still i said nothing. Maybe i stayed quiet because I was afraid of what he'd say, and i didn't want to deal with it.

In his ideal world he can have the stability and his family, while being free to pursue his sexual desire. But he is not going to let you go easily.

You might want to examine some of your inhibitions and date people outside of your standard norm. Obviously staying within your background was no guarantee for happiness. A friend of mine divorced her husband in the Caribbean. She said that it was simple statistics. About 80% of the men on the island were black, and she certainly wasn't going to limit her dates to the tiny percentage that conformed to the norms of her parent's generation.

Wow. This is a gambling website, right?

I don't think anyone can help you here. I recommend counseling. The fact is that he cheated on you, and you caught him on a website doing it. He isn't going to change through willpower.

You need to determine - 1 - what gets his rocks off.
-2- if he can remain faithful.
-3- if you can trust him.

Once you know these answers, you'll know what you can do, and the only way you'll be able to accomplish this is counseling with a third party observer.

He told you before you married him and there's a lot more he hasn't told you. We all mistakes but you don't have to make another one. He may be a good father but he's not the husband you deserve. Get out, get tested and get an annulment now. This is no time to procrastinate.

I find it hard to contribute here, but it does strike me that if there was any hope, you would not be having trouble like this when you only got married a year ago. I am no expert but for your husband to be so unable to keep it straight even in the beginning just screams disaster. If nothing else the man's sex drive is just out of control here. I can't argue with the advice to end it that you have been given here.

Regarding out-of-control sex drive, I think I will start another thread on that.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but I'm suspicious that this is a made-up question.

I agree with everyone else who said that you can't change someone's sexuality. You are just born the way you are. Based on a small sampling of bisexual people I've known, they are not happy to stay on one side of the fence for too long.

What bothers me is not that he is bisexual, but that he has been cheating on you. I would pursue a divorce for that reason. Just do it now; I see no reason to put it off. Someone else mentioned an annulment, which I would think would not be legally possible after a year of marriage.

Quote: Wizard

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but I'm suspicious that this is a made-up question.

On the contrary, this issue is probably more prevalent than most women imagine. There are a LOT of guys who are married who don't necessarily see being with men as "cheating" on their women. I've known guys who have fully admitted they are probably gay but don't want their wife to find out since they still somehow love her. Even more surprising, there are women who stay with these men despite the fact they know about their husband's transgressions.

Btw, I should also clarify that you should leave him because he is cheating, not necessarily because he's bisexual. I've known other couples who have stayed together after finding out one is bi, since he really wasn't sexual at all. My parents know a couple who stayed together (married) for 30 years after the husband told the wife he was transgendered (meaning he thought he should live life as a female). He offered to get divorced, but they were soul mates so they stayed together. Of course, TG is TOTALLY different, as it's more about a lifestyle and who you are, rather than what sex you prefer, but again, he wasn't cheating and (s)he never lied to her about the situation.

Quote: Tiltpoul

There are a LOT of guys who are married who don't necessarily see being with men as "cheating" on their women. I've known guys who have fully admitted they are probably gay but don't want their wife to find out since they still somehow love her.

You're probably right. I didn't suspect it was a fake question because I thought such a situation is unusual, but that the details were a bit sensational. Forget about my doubts, I probably shouldn't have brought it up.

I'm sure you're right about what you say. There was an episode of Taxicab Confessions partially about a that subject matter. The details are too graphic to get into, but I got the impression there are a lot of such men.

I think its obvious what his inclinations are. If for some reason he does not want to be open about them, then I think that is what is referred to as "being in the closet". He may be doing this for a variety of psychological, social and economic reasons. Perhaps he doesn't want it know to family members or something. Or perhaps he does not want the social stigma.

There is not much use referring to him as bi-sexual though. He will either come out of the closet or he will stay in the closet, makes a difference to him perhaps. No one is 50:50. Mentally he is further along the scale ... but chooses to live a lifestyle that is not indicative of his preferences.

Men who are gay but marry women used to do so out of necessity. There were no other options. Now there usually are other options but there is no way to compel someone to announce them if they choose to opt for camouflage for personal or social reasons.

Quote: FleaStiff

men used to do so out of necessity.

Just out of curiosity, and sorry to take a turn in the topic, but is is the story behind Elton John?

Quote: Wizard

Just out of curiosity, and sorry to take a turn in the topic, but is is the story behind Elton John?

Elton John publicly declared himself to be bisexual in 1976 about 8 years before he married. As an entertainer in the 1970's, I would not say that he married a woman out of necessity. In the course of the marriage, he decided that he was gay, not bisexual, and dissolved the marriage.

I think what FleaStiff means for example was Prince George, born 20 December 1902 as 5th in line to the throne, and the younger brother of King George VI, the stuttering king. Prince George was notorious for having affairs with men and women (sometimes at the same time). He also was addicted to morphine and cocaine, and was supposedly blackmailed by a male prostitute, Yet he married in 1934, produced three children, and then died under somewhat mysterious circumstances in Iceland during WWII just before his 40th birthday.

Supposedly he carried on homosexual affairs for his entire life. That is what I would call marrying out of necessity. On the other hand, he was a royal, and they are never openly gay. Nothing was ever officially confirmed.

His three children are alive today. Two of them live in apartments in Kensington Palace, where Prince William and Katherine will shortly set up their home. His daughter lives in the house where General Eisenhower had his headquarters in WWII.


If there is some confusion, the younger brother had the first name of George, while the older brother, "Bertie" took the name George as his regal name after he was crowned.

Prince George's wife was one of the great beauties of Europe.

Quote: Wizard

Just out of curiosity, and sorry to take a turn in the topic, but is is the story behind Elton John?

Where there is wealth, power or press agents... there is often little truth. Money and power liberates from conventions as far as actions go, but it doesn't always liberate from conventions as far as appearances go.

Washington DC and Hollywood have often made use of "beards" who squire some woman around town for half the night and then deliver them to their real lover free of tabloid scandals. Eons ago one silent screen Lothario had his career ruined when the newspapers revealed he was actually married. Sometimes the public is unforgiving but usually money and power are liberating ... to a degree.

Quote: FleaStiff

Sometimes the public is unforgiving but usually money and power are liberating ... to a degree.

I have heard interesting responses that men have to the idea that women are just interested in them because of their money or power. Some men say that the money and power are a fundamental part of them, and that there is no distinction. Others don't care since that was the principal reason they got money and power in the first place.

regarding whether this is made up, that also occurred to me.

Quote:

taking me to his gay friends' houses and looking at gay porn.... One day, tho, my girlfriends and i were skimming thru the m4m section on Craigslist just for fun

This section in particular doesn't smell right. If hubby was trying to keep it all a secret, then why would gay friends/gay porn enter the picture? Skimming through gay Craigslist for fun? Well, who knows.

regarding Elton John, once I knew he was gay, every time I listened to the song "Daniel" I keep thinking it has something to do with gay lovers. It kind of bugged me that I still liked the song [g]. This got me thinking and I *just now* looked it up on wikipedia, to find the writer saying it was the most misinterpreted song that we'd ever written. I feel better now [g].

When I was a freshmen in college my youngest uncle, in his late thirties or early forties, whom was married with three children (all girls), the eldest about my age, came out of the closet. It was a very shocking thing. In retrospect there were plenty of times, like at Christmas, when he seemed very "metro" (a pierced ear, died hair, nice clothes, clean shaven, colored contacts) but you wouldn't think he was gay, since he had a wife and kids. In my mind he got married and had kids for two reasons. He was trying to suppress his true feelings, and he genuinely wanted kids, of which he has a pretty good relationship as far as I know.

But, what about his wife? She was still very young, late thirties or early forties also. She has to live with this betrayal and deceit (although I believe she must've saw signs) and now she has to start all over, and find another man to grow old with. I can't imagine that's an easy thing to do. If you're still much younger, it would be easier to get out now, rather than later.


On a side note, what I think made this situation hard for the family to deal with was the man he started dating. His partner was supposedly homeless, and used heroin. They often got into domestic disputes. It all seemed very awkward, especially when he would bring this guy to family occasions, when everyone has said how much they dislike the boyfriend when neither of them are around.

Quote: ewjones080

my youngest uncle... came out of the closet.

I guess I have pretty much bought into the modern view that we must not be too judgmental about homosexuals, but I still reserve contempt for this particular blackguard move, deserting such a marriage to go off and live a deviant lifestyle.

So glad you've chosen not to be too judgmental of said deviant lifestyle.
Maybe your heterosexual "lifestyle" is deviant from the norm in some ways.
Have you ever considered the possibility?

Quote: WongBo

So glad you've chosen not to be too judgmental of said deviant lifestyle.
Maybe your heterosexual "lifestyle" is deviant from the norm in some ways.
Have you ever considered the possibility?

I suspect it is, but I suspect also the norm is a bit elusive. I was just watching some stuff where one woman, posing as a man, marries another woman, and the latter claims to have been fooled in the matter later on. What kind of idea of normalcy with that second woman could have been going on there?

As far as heterosexual deviance goes, society decided to tolerate that a bit earlier [g] but in case you think I give it all a pass, no, not in one particular case. I get huffy about the guy who has been married 4-5 times. To get divorced and married again, and again, and again is not against the law nor does it receive much in the way of society's censure. But it is not so different in effect from a guy who keeps a harem, especially if re-marriage guy keeps marrying young women. Basically it is serial polygamy, reducing the availability of young marriageable women to the other males [I like to call this pool 'The Nubility']. If you are indeed an Asian man in the US, you supposedly are affected also by raiding of the female Asian pool by other races, so you might know something about this, even if you are not interested in that pool. [there have been articles about that, usually focusing on the scarcity of black men for black women, but I am having trouble finding such on the internet at the moment]. Anyway, I am not looking for a change in the law, but think society gives too little notice of this.

I give a pass to a man who remarries later in life for whatever reason, but marries someone roughly his own age.

Quote: ewjones080

...he seemed very "metro" (a pierced ear, died hair, nice clothes, clean shaven, colored contacts) but you wouldn't think he was gay, since he had a wife and kids...

I guess that makes me straighter than .. whoever you think might be really really straight. Here's a picture of me:Notice the non pierced ears, the lack of hair dye, the 10 year old Horton Hears a Who T-Shirt, the two toned beard and the glasses.

If I could post a picture of me rolling my eyes, I would!

The 10 year old Horton Hears a Who shirt may not be metro, but it is pretty hipster.

Quote: aweber5

Hi! So to start off, my husband and I have been married about one year now. He is an otherwise masculine guy, having spent a year in Iraq serving our country and is an amazing father to our son. When we first met, tho, he had gotten a little too drunk on our date and told me that he was bisexual. Having being raised in a traditional southern household, anybody who wasnt white and wasnt straight was an abomination of God. Now, please, if youre reading this, do not assume that this is my mentality. This is simply how i was brought up and habits are hard to break. Anyways, I didnt put too much thought into what he told me, because I figured it was just him being too drunk. However, he started taking me to his gay friends' houses and looking at gay porn. It started to bother me more and more, but still i said nothing. Maybe i stayed quiet because I was afraid of what he'd say, and i didnt want to deal with it. One day, tho, my girlfriends and i were skimming thru the m4m section on Craigslist just for fun, and we ran across a picture of my husband. He was trying to explore his bisexuality on a social networking site by advertising himself as "FIRST TIME BOTTOM LOOKING FOR TOP". It made me sick. I wanted to puke, and i didnt know why. It was just so strange to me. On one level, i was devistated because im my mindset, being with someone of the same sex de-masculates him. I didnt view him as my ruthless, knight in shining armour anymore. On another level, I was heartbroken because he didnt open up to me about this. I confronted him later that day, and the shit hit the fan so to speak. He told me (after MUCH PERSUASION) that he had blown a few guys for marajuana, had sex with another guy in the shower while he was deployed, and sucked some guys d**k to get the job that he is currently working at. He is horrible embarrassed by it and i just didnt know what to do. I love him, but i needed some time to think. He swears that he isnt Bisexual anymore, but I dont think it works like that? Its not something that you can just turn on and off. But if he isnt bisexual anymore, i would feel like he is repressing his feelings which is unhealthy on so many levels. HELP!

Is there a way that he can turn not-bisexual?

Is he telling the truth that he's straight now?

If i decide that I cant handle this, would it be fair to leave?


Thank you for your help!

LOL. your husband blows guys for drugs and to get work. yeah he's telling the truth, he's totally straight now. he was never even gay. Of course you should leave him. Your kid DESERVES to get beat up in school if you stay with him. Are you hot? Send me a pic.

Quote: FinsRule

You're wondering if you should stay married to a gay man who has cheated on you repeatedly?

You say he's a good father so just stay friends with him, and parent the child together on good terms. But it's time for you to be able to find love, like he is trying to do. You should leave.

I think that's sound advice

Quote: boymimbo

Wow. This is a gambling website, right?

I don't think anyone can help you here. I recommend counseling. The fact is that he cheated on you, and you caught him on a website doing it. He isn't going to change through willpower.

You need to determine - 1 - what gets his rocks off.
-2- if he can remain faithful.
-3- if you can trust him.

Once you know these answers, you'll know what you can do, and the only way you'll be able to accomplish this is counseling with a third party observer.

if this subject was bothersome why did you follow the thread?

I don't know. Why are you reading topics that are 2+ years old and asking me why I follow a thread. The subject wasn't bothersome. The fact that it was being asked on a gambling website was an anomaly.

Quote: s2dbaker

Quote: ewjones080

...he seemed very "metro" (a pierced ear, died hair, nice clothes, clean shaven, colored contacts) but you wouldn't think he was gay, since he had a wife and kids...

I guess that makes me straighter than .. whoever you think might be really really straight. Here's a picture of me:Notice the non pierced ears, the lack of hair dye, the 10 year old Horton Hears a Who T-Shirt, the two toned beard and the glasses.

If I could post a picture of me rolling my eyes, I would!

LOL

Why is this, of all threads, being resurrected? I'm locking it.