Relationship problems- What should I do?

I've been with my boyfriend for nine months. The first five were great, we were in love, we had no problems and I couldn't have been happier. My family then moved away and I decided to stay for school and for him. I moved in with him and his family. It was only supposed to be short term, until I found somewhere else to live. He was the one who offered and seemed excited. About a month after I moved in, he said he didn't know how he felt about us and didn't know if he loved me anymore. He said it might have been because of me moving in, and because of all the stress he's been through. He sees me as someone to be with long term, and does not want to break up. For three months after that, we were both happy and not happy. He was always stressed from working every day and having school, plus family problems. He would snap at me sometimes or say something mean, or ignore me to do other things. I tried breaking up with him once. I didn't really want to, but I got frustrated. He got so upset and said he didn't want to break up. Right now I'm away to visit family for three weeks and I'll be moving out when I return. He was a lot nicer to me the two weeks before I left and he will be visiting me for a few days before we go back together. He says he still feels some "love" for me, but he's been confused about his feelings for the past month and doesn't like talking about it, but he will if I insist. He says he doesn't want to keep me on the line, since he knows what it is like because in his last relationship his ex-girlfriend did the same thing to him. I don't know if things will get better when I get back. I love him and know we can be a great couple if we figure things out. I'm just frustrated because I want him to love me. I always try to talk about his feelings, and I don't know if maybe I shouldn't? Any advice on what I should do? I don't want to lose him, and he told me he doesn't want to break up any time soon.

When you fall in love the brain releases lots of endorphins, causing the well-known feeling of bliss. However, it eventually wears off. Sounds to me like it wore off with him, and he started to have second thoughts. Happens all the time, and it doesn't mean the end.

Moving out sounds like a good idea. Lower the temperature to give him a chance to hopefully miss you and want you again. Men hate talking about their feelings, so don't press him on that.

When you move back, keep your distance for a while. Say that you understand that he needs more time to think, and to call you when when he has figured out whether he wants you or not. If it takes too long, you may put a deadline on said decision, otherwise you're moving on with your life. That is often the move you need to make to get a guy to realize he doesn't want to lose you.

Let us know what happens.

Moving in with his family after only 5 months is a quick dose of reality that will put a stop to those endorphins that the wiz talks about. Really, you should be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship longer than that. The early part of a relationship is to get to know each other and to bond. The bonding process should be strong enough and long enough to forge a relationship that will not bend when difficulties arise.

When you get thrown into a situation where you're living with his family, first, you are at a disadvantage in the relationship. He has a relationship with his family that he has to maintain and a relationship to you... not fair to you. You're around a bunch of people who will favor him over your family and you will lose battles and arguments because he has the support system and you don't.

My advice would be to move in together away from his family's home. Moving back there without him moving in with you is just going back in time and won't work. You'll feel insecure -- why won't he live with you when you've moved in together already? When is the right time? So, I don't understand why he doesn't move in with you.

Men don't like to feel pressure. They want to feel in control. If you move back and he feels pressure to move in with you, he won't like that. That means that he doesn't want to move in with you, leaving you waiting and being on your best behavior so you don't drive him away. There's an imbalance.

If he doesn't move in with you on his return, I would just stay with your family and have a long distance relationship until he's ready to move in with you. Otherwise, you're putting out too much. You've got to let him come to you, and it's apparent that he isn't ready.

And I wouldn't pressure him to communicate meaningfully to you. What I can tell you is that some men are closed and simple. Let him come to you.

Good luck.

Girl, you are a fool; so is he.

WTF are you two doing, living together, playing house?

Focus on your education, then your career.

Do it like the Irish do: wait til your late 20's to get serious.

I am focusing on my education, that was the reason I was living at his house. My family suddenly moved and I had got into a really good program at school, so he and his family offered to let me stay until I found somewhere else to live. We were not "playing house". I have since found somewhere to live. I will be staying at the dorms at my school to "focus" better on my education. I do not think that I should wait until a certain age to get serious. I will get serious when I find someone that I love and am committed to, and I have done that. If I did not think he was worth the effort I am putting into our relationship, or that if he is not someone that I can potentially spend many years with, then I would end it. But I believe we have something, so I am trying.

Being away from his family will lessen the pressures and you can pay attention to what is wrong.
If you feel he has potential... good luck. See if he demonstrates it now that the pressure is lowered.

Break up, this relationship is done. If you miss him after six months you can give it another chance starting from dating, not living together. No contact for six months though.

Life lessons:

1) Finish school and be employed before getting pregnant. 100% non-negotiable.

2) Don't move in with a guy after 5 months.

3) Don't ever move in with a guy and his family.

Living with a guy and his family is super trashy. Does his mom make your bed? Sometimes that's all a person knows, so I get that. But if you got yourself into school and can afford to live alone or with a roommate you've done some things well and are on a great path. Keep it up, don't screw it up by being trashy and shacking up with a guy who still lives at home. You're young and in school. You sound nice. You're a catch. Get a quality guy who treats you well AND has something going for him. And before you throw out the "this guy is quality, he just lives at home for X" line, that's fine, date him down the road when he's graduated and moved out.

Hi! Not sure if any of you will see this. I forgot about this thread after seeing all the replies, and just wanted to let you guys know how I'm doing.
I ended up leaving like I said I would to stay in the dorms at my school. I can honestly say the relationship didn't fix itself like I imagined it would. I had many problems arise of my own once I left. Financial problems, depression, bad living situation, etc. I still deal with quite a few but am now moving into an apartment with a friend to hopefully relieve some of them. My boyfriend also had more problems than I thought. It was not just stress from too much school and work, but those did attribute to it. He recently started seeing a psychologist to deal with his issues and try to figure out how to finally solve some of his problems. He will also be graduating College in the Spring, so he feels like his life is going somewhere. I'm sure from what I just said you can all see that we are still together! Closing in on two years. After I posted this thread, things stayed consistently bad. We had good times, but most were over shadowed by our own problems which impacted the relationship. Only recently did he tell me he loves me. I know you probably think I'm crazy for staying with him that much longer after he initially was confused about how he felt, but I felt we had something and was confused as to what happened to the guy I had fallen in love with. I backed off eventually with trying to get him to talk to me about things, and realized that he would open up about stuff on his own, even about his feelings. He told me he believes he loved me the whole time, because why else would he have stayed with me? Either way, we have been progressively getting better since then.
We still have issues, but he's seeing someone and getting the help he needs, while I'm inquiring about seeing someone. I just wanted to let you know that we're still together, and getting better with each passing day. We compliment each other very well, and although we still have things to work through, I'm happy that I stayed by his side the whole time. Some people take longer than others to figure things out or to realize they need help, but being there for someone is really the best thing that you can do.
Just wanted to let you know we're doing good and that what I've learned from this is that if you truly love someone and think that they may be the one, then you should give the relationship a fighting chance. Once you get over the big bumps, it can't really get much worse!
Thanks for the advice, I did take most of it to heart!

Huh.

First of, congratulations on making it thus far. Loyalty in a relationship is a huge factor on whether it lasts or not.

However, I may caution you that if you are having big bumps now this early, there are probably just bigger ones to come. Wait until there are truly conflicting things going on in your life, like big finances (buying a home together), job challenges, and most of all, children.

Just when you think life is smooth with your loved one, you're usually thrown a nice curve ball to challenge you. Once you have children, the relationship is no longer about the two of you. Your life becomes about a pressure to meet challenges coming from everywhere, and your marriage is just another one of those challenges to pass or fail.

You will have a successful marriage with a man of character and loyalty. It seems like he is building that by getting help for himself and becoming a stronger man. That's a good sign.

Oh, I know there will be bigger bumps then the ones we've already had! But children won't be for quite a while so I'm not too worried about that one yet. :)

But thank you for the advice, I'll try to remember it, especially if marriage and children ever enter the picture!

Quote: Wizard

When you fall in love the brain releases lots of endorphins, causing the well-known feeling of bliss. However, it eventually wears off. Sounds to me like it wore off with him, and he started to have second thoughts. Happens all the time, and it doesn't mean the end.

Moving out sounds like a good idea. Lower the temperature to give him a chance to hopefully miss you and want you again. Men hate talking about their feelings, so don't press him on that.

When you move back, keep your distance for a while. Say that you understand that he needs more time to think, and to call you when when he has figured out whether he wants you or not. If it takes too long, you may put a deadline on said decision, otherwise you're moving on with your life. That is often the move you need to make to get a guy to realize he doesn't want to lose you.

Let us know what happens.

Methinks you should start a WofR page.