Just the same as everyone else, am i right in not trusting my boyfriend?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months. Everything's been great. He told me he loved me after only 2 months (flag?) and has treated me like a queen everyday. He bought me a laptop in November as a Christmas present. He is also a photographer, mostly weddings. He recently got started taking pictures at local clubs for a local promoter who is a notorious man-whore to begin with. Suddenly after my boyfriend starts doing these pictures, all the small cute things he says and does don't exist. He'll disappear and not text or call and he's been not coming home until 5 or 6 am when the clubs close at 2. I checked his phone and found several blackberry messenger texts between him and two different females from very late hours. Each of these girls are asking him if they're gonna hang out after he's done with photos (at 2 am????)and while he never says yes, he never says no and certainly never mentions me. One message to girl references that the two of them are supposed to be watching a movie together, another references when my boyfriend will get to see that girl's new dress. I've also gained access to his facebook and he messages another girl asking her if she wants to go with him to the club he goes to once a week and that he'll stay close so she has a familiar face and that his cell is on his business card so she can call or text for any photo stuff or "anything else." My boyfriend won't let me go to the club with him because he says it's too distracting for him and he would miss photos...so why does this other girl he just met get to go? I brought up that I saw the messages between him and the two girls and he had no explanation other than telling me he's never hung out with them, never gone to their house and doesn't know what the messages about movies and dresses are even about. We had a long conversation and he says he wants to be with me (there are other minor things going on too) and that he wants to work on it. If he wanted to be with other people I feel like he would just break up with me. But I'm still worried and really thinking about snaking his phone again. I've had a long history of cheating boyfriends. Am I crazy or should I be concerned.

Why would your boyfriend find it distracting for you to be there while he is involved with all these other women? Its obvious you are simply one of several. If you are seeking a monogamous boyfriend, you ain't found one. If you are happy enough with the situation... so be it. Maybe you come first with him, maybe you come last with him. I don't know. You clearly are not the only one though.

Quote: starrynight

If he wanted to be with other people I feel like he would just break up with me.

Wrong. Men are wired to spread their seed around as much as possible. He probably wants to have as many girls as possible, including you. This guy sounds like a Tiger Woods understudy. I agree with Fleastiff, you either have to accept the situation as it is or break it off. You aren't going to change him.

I agree with the Wizard. Men are dogs and will have sex with anything they can get their hands on, especially if they know they have a partner who will tolerate it, like you can. We are wired to procreate.

The only reason that men remain monogamous is that they love their partners, that it's socially wrong, and the problems that would be created from the knowledge of the affair (ie multi-million dollar divorces, golf clubs thrown at your car, OJ Simpson) would not be worth the 'benefit' of the affair. Even still, the temptation is there every day.

Inotherwords, if your partner does not have love for you, then he will do a cost-benefit analysis to figure you whether the quality of the affair is worth ruining the existing relationship. Of course, some men don't do that analysis or they come out with the wrong result (like if you have children together).

Your boyfriend is cheating. He bought you a laptop to buy you off. He will remain with you until don't let him get away with it. Dump him. You can do way better.

Quote: starrynight

I've had a long history of cheating boyfriends.

Well, there's a red flag right there.

Do you unconciously seek out men that will be unfaithful? Is your personality or sexual appetite one which encourages cheating?

Quote: starrynight

Am I crazy or should I be concerned.

You're not crazy. Oh, yeah, he's cheating.

But should you be concerned? Should you just live with it? That's a tough decision.

Then again, maybe you should acknowledge and accept it. Some of the most committed men are ones that have a spouse that allows and/or encourages other sexual partners.

Quote: starrynight

Then again, maybe you should acknowledge and accept it. Some of the most committed men are ones that have a spouse that allows and/or encourages other sexual partners.

I am not married to one of those and I am quite committed. I do think however that women in happy marriages should concede that men are wired this way and do things to make them happy, short of going outside of the marriage in an affair.

Well you are not married but Kobe's wife got a 8c purple diamond.

First of all... All of you who answered her questions are just simply awesome. I have never seen such candid, honest, truthful answers even in "specialty" forums where the forum is specifically about one topic. I think it's amazing that women have found this off the wall forum where they can voice their concerns about their man's fidelity and receive answers from what appears to be a man's perspective and not holding back just because you don't want to hurt their feelings. Most of us are used to just girl-talk, where our girlfriends somewhat soften the blow with unrealistic hopes that he'll change and if we do have any male friends they're either a next door neighbor who is probably friends/acquaintance with our man too, or our friends boyfriends who we don't really know well enough to discuss the issue with them or feel embarrassed or awkward doing so. If we do have male friends and our boyfriend's are okay with us having them, they are usually not heterosexual and tend to be on the feminine side so it's hard to get a man's opinion from them in this aspect since they are probably in the same boat as we are (dating men) and don't tend to be "wired" in the same "conquer/pro-create" manner that straight men are, so therefore cannot offer an opinion from that perspective. Those that are heterosexual are either co-workers whom we don't really want to spill our relationship problems to because we don't really want to mix our personal problems with work/co-workers. Any other male friends are probably not liked by our boyfriends and discouraged by them because they don't really like or want us hangin' out with some other guy.

Like I've already mentioned, I am familiar with the wizard of odds website and have visited regularly, but never knew about this Wizard of Vegas site and certainly didn't know how valuable and informative the wizard and his forum members are at giving feedback, answering questions, giving advice or making suggestions to those who post here questioning their man's fidelity. I myself, have a question in regards to my man's fidelity but have not posted yet, but feel I may already have the answer just by simply reading everyone else's questions, but I am still going to post because I am interested in what you all will have to say. Thank all you guys for helping us women out when we really need to know the truth. It's appreciated and it's awesome that you are willing to share what you know about men... how they think, feel, act, and are... It does help to know that most men are born wired this way from the start and that it's not just "us". I feel better knowing that if not me, then probably some other woman, but regardless... not all, but most men do it. From what I understand, even if a man had "his" perfect dream-girl, who was the most sweetest, nicest, understanding, compassionate, empathetic, beautiful, hot, sexy, funny, intelligent, hard-working, wealthy, generous, kind, caring, easy-going, permissive, submissive, and just downright incredible! and simply the best! she could be the most coolest chick on the planet who satisfies and stimulates him completely; taking care of his needs both sexually and intellectually, and in every other way possible... that he would STILL eventually get tired of her and eventually cheat on her too. Although it's sad to come to such a realization, I do take comfort in knowing that it's not just us or even me personally, and that most men do it, but most of all... I take comfort in knowing that there are SOME who DO exist that ARE monogamous and DON'T cheat (even if they are tempted and if the only reason why they don't is because of the cost/benefit-analysis factor... then there is still hope.) Thank you all again for your insight and contribution to this area of questioning on this forum, thank you very, very much.

As for the girl who posted this concern... I agree with everything the others have stated here and believe it is a question of whether or not you want to decide to accept it, allow it, and tolerate it... or if you need to let him go and hope to find a man who fits into the small percentage of men who don't cheat on their wives/girlfriends for one reason or another. Whatever you decide, I hope you make the right decision and find happiness.

This is a good forum to get men's perspective on things. The ratio of women here, from what I can tell, is very low. I would welcome more, but, alas, the odds of casino games don't seem to interest most of them.

While I maintain that men are wired to spread their seed as much as possible, that doesn't mean they all act on that. Intelligent men, who understand the concept of risk and reward, and delaying gratification, are more likely to make decisions with their brains, as opposed to below the waist. They will be the ones to understand that the guilt and the consequences of being caught are not worth it. There are plenty of good men out there who are very low risks for cheating. Such men are usually the least in demand too.

Heh. I'm going to post a different perspective from everyone else.

You presumably enjoy this man's company, presumably enjoy sex with him, and he "treats you like a queen". He also says he loves you, and he very well may. He, however, is not promising anything more.

SO WHY NOT SETTLE FOR WHAT THE TWO OF YOU DO HAVE??????????

You have his not-exclusive attentions--but, so what? You do have fun with him. You do like spending time with him. At no time (since you didn't mention it, I am assuming) did he promise a monogamous relationship with you. He obviously senses your discomfort, because he is trying to conceal his other girlfriends from you (trying rather lamely, which means he doesn't feel particularly guilty about them). It seems like he cares for you, and is a good friend. Maybe that's the extent of your relationship; maybe there's nothing more. Why not accept it for what it is?

After all, you've gotten friendship, companionship, sex (I assume), and a free laptop! Why ruin that by trying to get something more, which he is obviously unprepared to offer? Maybe this isn't the time or place to fulfill your romantic fantasies--after all, the vast majority of the men in your life, past, present, and future, will NOT be "the one". Why not enjoy what you do have with this guy?

There should be some sort of a disclaimer on this stuff.
Someone might be genuine and take you all seriously.
Who knows what their state of mind is?

Quote: Wizard

This is a good forum to get men's perspective on things. The ratio of women here, from what I can tell, is very low. I would welcome more, but, alas, the odds of casino games don't seem to interest most of them.

While I maintain that men are wired to spread their seed as much as possible, that doesn't mean they all act on that. Intelligent men, who understand the concept of risk and reward, and delaying gratification, are more likely to make decisions with their brains, as opposed to below the waist. They will be the ones to understand that the guilt and the consequences of being caught are not worth it. There are plenty of good men out there who are very low risks for cheating. Such men are usually the least in demand too.

Thank you for expanding on the subject a little more... I take comfort in knowing this.

Quote: Wizard

Such men are usually the least in demand too.

I agree 100% :)

Quote: chook

There should be some sort of a disclaimer on this stuff.
Someone might be genuine and take you all seriously.
Who knows what their state of mind is?

Meaning, that a woman's man may be genuinely monogamous and after reading these posts may seriously believe all men cheat, including her man? After deciphering you're comment, I believe that's what it means, and I have taken everything into consideration and where they discuss the cost benefit/analysis factor, any reasonable person with common sense would realize not everything being said about men here is derogatory and that there are men out there who are monogamous. But if she is on the internet searching for answers in regards to whether or not her man is cheating on her, obviously he is displaying warning signs for her to be concerned about and so chances are, he probably or most likely is. I'm just sayin'...

Quote: AQT4U2XO

Meaning, that a woman's man may be genuinely monogamous and after reading these posts may seriously believe all men cheat, including her man? After deciphering you're comment, I believe that's what it means, and I have taken everything into consideration and where they discuss the cost benefit/analysis factor, any reasonable person with common sense would realize not everything being said about men here is derogatory and that there are men out there who are monogamous. But if she is on the internet searching for answers in regards to whether or not her man is cheating on her, obviously he is displaying warning signs for her to be concerned about and so chances are, he probably or most likely is. I'm just sayin'...

I wasn't being specific. I was referring to all threads of this nature.
Not everyone has the constitution and resilience of a MRJJJ.
Don't want to see the Wizard end up on the O'Reilly Show.

Quote: chook

I wasn't being specific. I was referring to all threads of this nature.
Not everyone has the constitution and resilience of a MRJJJ.
Don't want to see the Wizard end up on the O'Reilly Show.

hahahahaha! ya, I hear ya... lmao

Fun! More relationship advice!

IMHO, I agree with everyone who says that this guy is probably cheating. Nothing to add to that part of the discussion ...

BUT ... there is the slightest chance that he has a perfectly valid explanation. If you think you can handle it, ask for the explanation. This requires a few things from YOU, though:

1. You have to sit there and listen. No questions, no trying to "dig deeper," no confronting him with what you saw in his accounts (more on that later), none of that.
2. BEFORE you hear it, know what you have to hear to stay together. If you don't hear it, break up.
3. Don't cling to one little part of what he says to rationalize staying together. If he abuses your trust and you stay with him, then the problem becomes partly yours.

This will NOT be easy for you, especially the listening-only part. It requires a GREAT DEAL of maturity. If you don't think you can do these things, then break up.

I will say this, though ... it's a little weird to me that you are going into his personal accounts and "checking up" on him like that. Further, it's a lot weird that you're using the information to try to catch him in a lie. In other words, he's (almost certainly) cheating! How does it soften the blow to hear him lie about it?

At the end of the day, you have to trust whomever you're with. Checking up on him - using access to his private accounts that HE GAVE YOU - is unacceptable. Whatever the reason is he gave you those passwords, it wasn't to check up on him, and you're the one abusing trust. Yes, he may be a dog, but that doesn't allow you to be a prying harpie.

If he abuses your trust, you'll find out, and it will all be on him. And, it should make your should-I-stay-or-should-I-go decision easy.

PS - For a 9-month relationship, this doesn't really apply, but for years-long relationships, I would urge the woman to consider the totality of the guy's behavior. Cheating is ALWAYS a very bad thing, but if there's one cheating incident after, say, 7 years of complete and utter trustworthiness, there's a case to be made for extraordinary circumstances.

But again, I don't think that applies for a 9-month relationship.

My $0.02.