I don't know what to do

Dear Mr Wizard.
This question is not gambling related but an unusual dating question notcovered by the rest of your site

After being with a girl for 6 months, no problems, no issues, no fights, no arguements. Earlier this week, She told me she wants to be just friends because she loves me, but no longer in a partner kind of way. And she doesn't think she "can be what I need her to be". I don't need her to be anything, and tell her I like her how she is, but she seems set on this course

I don't know if she doesn't like that the relationship cooled a bit since every experience was no longer a new one, or if there is a problem I don't know about our what, it just seems like if it is 99% good, why we wouldn't even try to fix it if there's a problem

Sorry, I know you don't answer these kinds of questions any longer, I just wanted the perspective of another actuary, one not attached to the situation. Do I play along for a bit and hope she reevaluates, cut ties unless it is about getting back together, end the entire thing? I want to try to fix things if they are broken for her, but it seems weird that we are not even going to try...

Not Wizard, but: How old are you? Younger people are more apt to throw away a pretty good thing. Younger people do things to see how the other person will react--to see what they're made of. She might be testing you.

There are so many possibilities that it's impossible to give you meaningful advice beyond the generalities I've mentioned.

Tell her how you feel. Be honest. Women respond to honesty.

Better to break up than sit around being her best eunuch.

Is the sex good for her? If a woman is content with the loving in the relationship that cures 80% of the problems.

Are you a stopgap for her? Are you reaching too high and trying to keep up? ARE YOU BEING YOURSELF?

Wow this sounds oddly familiar.

Just ask her straight up "Am I making you happy in this relationship?" Experts say putting "I" before "you" is less accusatory and puts the other one being talked to at ease. For example, "Are you happy in this relationship," is a no no.

Let's make the assumption she wants to marry some day, at least that she isn't just contemplating staying single, figuring that is best for her. I'll also assume that she is not nympho.*

There is a good chance she is seeing someone else, someone that in her eyes fits the bill better for future husband. She may love both of you. Or she may not actually love this other guy, but, you know, the car, the house, the job, his place in the world, magnify him into great status.

If not, maybe she is saying she is on the hunt for this guy. Maybe she thinks if she lets you know that in her way, she wonders if you will propose marriage. Is it possible she thinks you are stalling?

If our assumptions above are correct, it's hard for me to imagine other scenarios.

* You'd know by now if she was a nymphomaniac. Such a woman is always hard to keep, she needs more partners than one

Quote:

Earlier this week, She told me she wants to be just friends because she loves me, but no longer in a partner kind of way. And she doesn't think she "can be what I need her to be"

She dumped you.

What other meaning can you take from her comments?

She seems to be trying to not hurt your feelings; she made it perfectly clear that she wants to move on.

Trying to convince her to stay with you will be a demeaning exercise in futility.

Quote: MrV

Trying to convince her to stay with you will be a demeaning exercise in futility.

Nailed it.

I'm not an actuary. I am a female. But I'll weigh in anyway.

She is asking you to live in the Friend Zone. She wants to keep you in her life, but not "that way" you want. It's highly unlikely you will ever return to a romantic or sexual relationship, though not impossible. She's trying to be kind but also honest that you're in a one-sided situation, which speaks well of you, believe it or not; you're not awful to be around, she likes you, she just doesn't think the two of you are a suitable couple.

I suggest you move on. Trying to live in that Zone while still being around her is almost impossible. After a healing period, preferably after you've met someone who returns your feelings, you have a great chance of resuming your friendship (if you still want to), but healing while trying to be around her is just too hard.

Been there. Done that. Not fun. Sorry you're having to go through it.

Dump her ditch Facebook hit the gym

Quote: AxelWolf

Wow this sounds oddly familiar.

How long has it been since we had a relationship post???

I feel your pain brother. I've been given the brush-off by girls/women so many times I'm still shell-shocked from it.

My answer is there is nothing you can do. You got dumped and she was trying to do it as gently as possible. The "no problems, no issues, no fights, no arguements" part does not surprise me. It seem to me that women don't want 99% good but more like 75%. If the relationship goes too smoothly I think that most women will feel it isn't challenging enough or you're too easy to push around. Then again -- I'm about the last man on earth to go for an understanding of women.

So, my advice is to first get over this broad. None of this friendship nonsense -- make it a clean break with no communication. Then, with the next gal, don't try too hard. Be yourself. I think it is a good thing to have an argument once in a while so say something if she gets you angry and let the chips fall where they may.

I hope one of the few women on the board will chime in.

Two of the cruelest things a girl ever said to me when i was a young man. " I have always thought of you as the bug brother I never had" or from my first love " We have to break up. Too many other boys think I am your girlfriend " Her name was Patsy, died ay age 42 SIGH

My college GF is now a professor of psychology who writes / publishes extensively on the subject of "sexuality."

I like to think I taught her everything she knows.

Alas, back in the day she blew me off for a guy with a regular supply of good cocaine.

Ah, women: so damned fickle.

It's tough to get lucky in love, but an endless bag of blow seems to help.

Either you (a) didn't spend every last dime in your pocket on her or (b) didn't agree with everything she said (no matter how ridiculous)
Unless you are willing to do (a) or (b) above, 99% of women will have nothing to do with you
It is not selling your soul to the 'devil' you need to watch out for, it is selling your soul to a woman

Unfortunately this kind of thing happens all the time and most people have been there one way or another-- usually many times.

There's usually no chance to fix it, so the best course of action is to be cool, step back a bit, and then see if you have any interest in actually being friendly in the future. Even if there is a one in a million shot that she'll change her mind, it's not going to happen by you hanging in there and losing face or pride right now.

It sucks, but be glad it was only 6 months. She probably isn't the one... but it's usually no one's fault, and there's no reason to get all jaded or angry about women in general, because with that attitude you'll just miss your chance if the real one actually does come along.

Quote: aceofspades

Either you (a) didn't spend every last dime in your pocket on her or (b) didn't agree with everything she said (no matter how ridiculous)
Unless you are willing to do (a) or (b) above, 99% of women will have nothing to do with you
It is not selling your soul to the 'devil' you need to watch out for, it is selling your soul to a woman

Of course, I can't imagine how speaking in a way that makes it clear you are an individual who respects women as equals with motivations beyond money or having a personal doormat would help. So, definitely don't try that.

I have to admit, I don't like the generalizations, here. Granted, some women are like that, and your post would make a great Inauguration Speech were you to ever be elected as President of Al Bundy's, 'NO MA'AM,' but I would say the post is not true of a majority of women.

Um...I really can't argue the expressed position any further in a meaningful way because that position is simply too absurd. I sincerely apologize if that position is reflective of '99%' of the women that you have met. Your sample deviates drastically from the Mean if that is the case.

Quote: Mission146

Of course, I can't imagine how speaking in a way that makes it clear you are an individual who respects women as equals with motivations beyond money or having a personal doormat would help. So, definitely don't try that.

I have to admit, I don't like the generalizations, here. Granted, some women are like that, and your post would make a great Inauguration Speech were you to ever be elected as President of Al Bundy's, 'NO MA'AM,' but I would say the post is not true of a majority of women.

Um...I really can't argue the expressed position any further in a meaningful way because that position is simply too absurd. I sincerely apologize if that position is reflective of '99%' of the women that you have met. Your sample deviates drastically from the Mean if that is the case.

Personal insult - calling my opinions absurd.
If you do not impose a ban upon yourself for this, then please once again ban me. Thank you.

Sounds like Mission needs to put Ace in the friend zone :)

Quote: aceofspades

Either you (a) didn't spend every last dime in your pocket on her or (b) didn't agree with everything she said (no matter how ridiculous)
Unless you are willing to do (a) or (b) above, 99% of women will have nothing to do with you
It is not selling your soul to the 'devil' you need to watch out for, it is selling your soul to a woman

Quote: aceofspades

Personal insult - calling my opinions absurd.
If you do not impose a ban upon yourself for this, then please once again ban me. Thank you.

I'm not sure if you're joking or not but it is allowed to disagree with somebody's opinions. I have too disagree with your point of view too. Show me a guy who spends all his money on his woman and agrees with everything she says and I'll show you a guy who get dumped eventually, when the money runs dry or when she just tires of being with a doormat.

So, I'll give you a chance to change or your mind, or do you prefer to be banned?

Quote: DJTeddyBear

How long has it been since we had a relationship post???

It's been a while, that's why I can't remember who or exactly what was said, but it was very similar IIRC.

I agree with Wizard, to an extent. The most important piece of advice he gave was, 'Be yourself.'

In the formative stages of a relationship, if you try too hard to please a given individual, (man or woman) that you are doing such is almost immediately apparent, feels unnatural and will often serve as a deterrent to the desired partner.

Unfortunately, the lone exception to this is an individual who WANTS you to try too hard, and that is simply because the individual is more interested in what he or she can get out of you than in you as a person.

I would not suggest creating an exhaustive list of every flaw that you have or have ever had to present to a potential mate, but I would suggest not doing anything to hide your flaws.

I remember my first date with my current significant other of nearly 1.5 years, we decided to meet in a neutral area, but I would drive her home if she felt comfortable with me. The conversation went:

"Okay, so I'm going to park at Rivers Casino and I'll meet you in front of it and we'll walk to the restaurant."

"The casino? That's a strange choice."

"Well, yeah, but it's free to park there and I plan to get there a few minutes early so I can do what is called Vulturing Ultimate X machines."

"Do you gamble a lot?"

"Anyone who doesn't gamble much would say yes, but I don't think so. I typically only gamble if I have an advantage of some kind, anyway. We can discuss that, if you like, but if it is off-putting to you but you think it might change, it's not going to change. I assure you I don't have a gambling problem, though."

"Okay, good enough. Your gambling is none of my business at this point, anyway."

"Well, to be perfectly clear, as long as I do it responsibly and only with my own money, it'll never be any of your business. Excepting, of course, if you want to come along. You should, actually, you can play at a small advantage and get free food and nice hotel rooms."

"We'll see."

And, she stays and even frequents the gaming floor if I am there. She likes it, but not enough that she'd ever go to a casino by herself. It's cool, I watch Once Upon a Time on ABC on Sundays, now, which is something I'd never do by myself. She likes it so much that watching her enjoy the show actually makes it kind of fun.

Oh, and seeing Avengers 2 in theatres. Did that, too.

Quote: Wizard

...or do you prefer to be banned?

I never stated that someone cannot disagree with an opinion - BUT, calling someone's opinion absurd is a personal insult. If it is not then all of us can attack one another indirectly by merely attacking the opinion rather than the person
i.e. EvenBob's opinion that Thanksgiving is overrated is a F**king B******t opinion and should be defecated on (is that a personal insult or merely attacking an opinion — of course, no offense my friend EB)

If I am wrong, ban me.

I don't want to ban you.

The middle ground I will propose is that I apologize for using the word, 'Absurd,' but that is the very definition of, 'Attacking the writing not the writer.'

That said, given your tenure at the Forum, it may not have been absolutely necessary for me to describe your blatantly misogynistic post as, 'Absurd,' so I apologize for using that word.

I do not apologize for insulting you personally, which I did not do, or for my vehemence in disagreeing with your opinion.

Somebody once told me b*tches be trippin

Quote: aceofspades

I never stated that someone cannot disagree with an opinion - BUT, calling someone's opinion absurd is a personal insult. If it is not then all of us can attack one another indirectly by merely attacking the opinion rather than the person
i.e. EvenBob's opinion that Thanksgiving is overrated is a F**king B******t opinion and should be defecated on (is that a personal insult or merely attacking an opinion — of course, no offense my friend EB)

If I am wrong, ban me.

Calling someone's opinion obsurd is not a personal insult. Have a Snickers. You're not yourself in this topic.


ZCore13

Quote: Mission146

I don't want to ban you.

The middle ground I will propose is that I apologize for using the word, 'Absurd,' but that is the very definition of, 'Attacking the writing not the writer.'

That said, given your tenure at the Forum, it may not have been absolutely necessary for me to describe your blatantly misogynistic post as, 'Absurd,' so I apologize for using that word.

I do not apologize for insulting you personally, which I did not do, or for my vehemence in disagreeing with your opinion.

so, as long as a member attacks the statement and not the person they can say anything they want?

Quote: Mission146

That said, given your tenure at the Forum, it may not have been absolutely necessary for me to describe your blatantly misogynistic post as, 'Absurd,' so I apologize for using that word.

I hope that will smooth things over.

Quote: aceofspades

Either you (a) didn't spend every last dime in your pocket on her or (b) didn't agree with everything she said (no matter how ridiculous)
Unless you are willing to do (a) or (b) above, 99% of women will have nothing to do with you
It is not selling your soul to the 'devil' you need to watch out for, it is selling your soul to a woman

Good Lord, Ace! I'm going to disavow our friendship if you stay this grumpy!

Original Poster: The Above Is A Professional divorce lawyer, forced to see everyone at their worst. Do not try this at home. (tv warning) lol...

Edit: Wrote this before I saw the thread derailed a bit. No insults intended, hopefully none taken. Be of good cheer, my friend.

Regardless of y'alls age or her reason, the end result is the same.

If she is testing her partner which some wives do all throughout life, she'd end up coming back on her own schedule.

If she really is looking for someone with different attributes, then you can't change that.

Let her go and she may return.

If you like someone, let them go.

Quote: aceofspades

i.e. EvenBob's opinion that Thanksgiving is overrated is a F**king B******t opinion and should be defecated on .

But it's not an opinion, it's the truth. No
defecating on the truth, that would be a
sin, if sin was a real thing. Which it isn't.

Quote: aceofspades

Either you (a) didn't spend every last dime in your pocket on her or (b) didn't agree with everything she said (no matter how ridiculous)
Unless you are willing to do (a) or (b) above, 99% of women will have nothing to do with you

This kind of thing tends to be truer in big
cities like NYC. Not so much in the Midwest
and definitely not in the South. The South
has the nicest women I've ever met. They
may be the same inside as other women,
but they have a different way of expressing
it.

OP, I didn't hear the following until after two ex-wives. Applies equally to males or females. Your life will be much happier, you will get much better stuff, and you'll have much more money.

"If it Floats, Flies, or F***s, rent it by the hour!!"

Wish I had heard that when I was around 25.

The last time we had a relationship thread with a male OP might have been Face!

Quote: Mission146

I watch Once Upon a Time on ABC on Sundays, now, which is something I'd never do by myself. She likes it so much that watching her enjoy the show actually makes it kind of fun.

Some of the best sex I ever had was often accompanied by the program "Love Boat" on the TV near the bed [while it was current]. Lo and behold, I found myself really liking that show! I had some embarrassing moments later on in life, admitting I liked that show, only to slowly realize that almost everybody, men and women alike, pretty much ranked it as the worst TV ever put on the screen LOL.

I watched it again recently. Pretty bad. Yet while watching I still could sort of tune in to those thrilling days of yesteryear when I liked it.

Quote: MrV

... she blew me off for a guy with a regular supply of good cocaine.

Ah, women: so damned fickle.

I developed the opinion long ago that women like for you to be the drug procurer in a relationship. Since I didn't and don't use drugs, that was a problem. However, I can't help but notice my wife likes it that I am the guy who takes care of making sure we have liquor. Yes, she can completely legally and without censure walk into a liquor store and buy whatever she likes from the friendly staff. But she wants me to do that.

If she does buy booze, it'll be those little bottles like they serve on the plane. No kidding.

Re: "absurd:"

Life is absurd.

I'm an existentialist, and as such I embrace and indeed I freakin' REVEL in the absurd.

*the benign indifference of the universe" --- Albert Camus, "The Stranger"

Hi everyone, Wow, thanks for all the feedback! I'll read it all as soon as I can, but I should first update people on the situation.

No one else I could find could make sense of the situation either. She told me she didn't think she was "wired correctly" to find relationships (with anyone) fulfilling. She has been suffering through untreated anxiety disorder for a few years now. On an off chance, I started researching more about the illness, and suddenly it went from "that is so strange it is hard to believe" to having a ton of people who have gone or are going through things ranging from very similar to eerily similar, so I've been focusing on trying to take all of that in.

I'll read the rest of the posts here and update you on the situation more tomorrow

Quote: GamerMan

Hi everyone, Wow, thanks for all the feedback! I'll read it all as soon as I can, but I should first update people on the situation.

No one else I could find could make sense of the situation either. She told me she didn't think she was "wired correctly" to find relationships (with anyone) fulfilling. She has been suffering through untreated anxiety disorder for a few years now. On an off chance, I started researching more about the illness, and suddenly it went from "that is so strange it is hard to believe" to having a ton of people who have gone or are going through things ranging from very similar to eerily similar, so I've been focusing on trying to take all of that in.

I'll read the rest of the posts here and update you on the situation more tomorrow

Believable,

She probably has issues.

Just take care of yourself first and don't put yourself under anyone.

Ok, on my lunch break, here are some replies:

@GreasyJohn: I'm 27, she is 24. A gentleman does not kiss and tell. And I am always being myself.
@axelwolf: I can give you links if my post on page 4 still seems familiar
@odiousgambit: I did give this real consideration, but decided it was unlikely. Also, I'm 99.9% certain that she is not pressing for marriage.
@MrV: yes. but worse than you think, i'll address this in a later post
@beachbumbabs: if this is what she wants, she really is emphasizing the "don't actually leave". as she very soon afterwords announced to the D&D group I run that she was going to make it to next session (without asking if I wanted her to stay or not). She also verbalized that she wants to be the type of friends we were in April (right before I asked her out). I mentioned that we both were super flirty pretty much all of April, and that we were practically dating already by the end of it. She pretended I did not say that, and a few days later told me again that she would eventually like to work up to the friendship we had in April. This is something that will need to be addressed.
@djatc: I don't have facebook
@Wizard: I'm pretty sure "as gently as possible" is only that way for the dumper, not the dumpee :P
Neither of us were really the dominant partner, we both were always looking for things to do or time to spend with the other one, so I'm not sure a 50/50 relationship is "too easy to push around."
As for next girl advice, we had been friends for 4 years prior, and we both were our selves around the other (except the first 2/3's of the first date). And neither of us were avoiding problems or avoiding having arguments or fights, we just never fought because we never had things to fight about, and the few potential problems we had were resolved in a civil manner before they became fight worthy. It wasn't that I was avoiding getting angry at her, it was that I honestly had nothing to be angry about.
@muleyvoice: second girl sounds like a terrible person. First girl prolly knew what was going on and decided to preempt it to put off the future problems
@Ace: I actually have much more discretionary income than desire for new products and services. She wouldn't let me spend more money on her than what I did (not a bad problem to have most of the time). When we disagreed on something, we agreed to disagree after a friendly debate. been that way for years.
@Ace v. Mission146: Ace, no one is saying you are absurd or doubts that that is your experience. However, even for the most cynical of members here, they likely say there is closer to 10% good women. Even if that was the case, and all 90% of the "bad" women fit your model, then even someone who has only met 50 women and found that 5 of them were good would find that your model gives only a 1/6864 chance of their experience or better happening. Now, your model may be true for you, but I think your model is not indicative of the greater population, to the point that it could safely be considered absurdist for most of us to apply it. We don't doubt that it is your experience, but I'd suspect that almost all of us would say that your sample group is not representative of the greater population.

I think that is everyone. Note that I commented on the parts that did not seem to apply or needed commentary. I read and listened to all your advice and am giving it consideration. I'll follow up again later today.

Quote: GamerMan

@Ace v. Mission146: Ace, no one is saying you are absurd or doubts that that is your experience. However, even for the most cynical of members here, they likely say there is closer to 10% good women. Even if that was the case, and all 90% of the "bad" women fit your model, then even someone who has only met 50 women and found that 5 of them were good would find that your model gives only a 1/6864 chance of their experience or better happening. Now, your model may be true for you, but I think your model is not indicative of the greater population, to the point that it could safely be considered absurdist for most of us to apply it. We don't doubt that it is your experience, but I'd suspect that almost all of us would say that your sample group is not representative of the greater population.

You forgot to take into account I live in NY

Sir,
You didn't ask me, but since this is the internet, I'll give you some free advice.

Without knowing you personally or her - it's anybody's guess what's really going on.

You may find some insights here if you're younger than 25: http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/Forum6/HTML/000199.html

Gamer,
Thanks for giving your ages since knowing how old the two of you are will help in doing the required calculations to determine why your girl has decided to go in this direction.

I have years of experience with failed relationships to draw upon and I'm more than happy to assist you in your quest to attempt to understand why women do what they do and when they do it.

First off you should know that these calculations that we will be doing will use formulas that have been proven effective for the subset of women that are under 40 years of age. Since as people age their priorities change it stands to reason that as women age their priorities also change so we will set aside the formulas used for these women until you start to have failed relationships with women over 40.

To simplify this process we must ignore any part of this breakup that may be your fault, so if you are an abuser, alcoholic, skirt chaser, chronically unemployed, Mamma's boy or general creep please ignore any or all results as they may be flawed.

The fact is that women in this age group have a lot of pressure from family and peers to have a boyfriend that has the potential to be a husband, father, grandchild producer etc. This pressure increases as the women get older and this often results in a situation where they will stay with the boyfriend even though they know that his husband potential is sub par. What these women will rarely do is jettison that boyfriend when there isn't a new boyfriend either in the current date rotation or at least somewhere in the wings. What you will often see is a breakup on Tuesday because there has been a request for a date on Monday that she will accept on Wednesday after the breakup.

Women do not end relationships at the drop of a hat. She has given this quite a bit of thought and has been waiting for something to change. Either something about you ( to which she has given many clues that are rarely understood by men ) your relationship ( yea same clues ) or the availability of a suitable replacement ( Bingo! ).

This hypothesis can be proven by by using this formula. Take the number of months that you have been dating and add the sum of your and your girlfriends ages. We will divide this number by 57 and then multiply that result by 100 to get the percentage chance that she will shortly have or does have another boyfriend. This formula has a historic error rate of +- 1%.

Do yourself a favor, don't contact her or her family and friends. She has decided that you two are no longer an item and the "remain friends" thing is, as always simply rhetoric to make it sound good. If there is a chance to get back together or remain friends let her come to you. Doing it any other way will be bad for you and your emotional health.

Do things that you enjoy doing and another opportunity will present itself. That's the good news. The bad news is that when this happens you will once again be a boyfriend and will be back in that same position that all boyfriends are in, wondering what your girlfriend is thinking.

Good Luck with that.

Quote: odiousgambit

Let's make the assumption she wants to marry some day, at least that she isn't just contemplating staying single, figuring that is best for her.

I am going to say my assumptions do not hold up, especially that in the bold, from what you are now saying.

Ok, on to the results of my research.

From what I've been able to find, this scenario (no to minimal problems suddenly turning into a breakup with little to no warning) comes up a ton for people with anxiety disorder and their partners. The basic scenario is that the anxiety disorder will manifest itself regardless of what is going on in your life. This anxiety can then target some aspect of your life when there is no legitimate reason to be anxious. A relationship partner is often the target. Here, the anxiety takes over, you suddenly lose control over your thoughts and feelings, Anxiety can make you feel like you've fallen out of love with someone, like someone is going to leave you, like someone is better off without you, et cetera. At that point, the person with anxiety has two choices, hold on to said experience and get help, or let go of said experience, often (but not always) perceived by the creation of problems needed to justify the decision.. when they do choose to let go, those with anxiety disorder or who had recovered from it describe it as most similar to drug withdrawal. You solve the symptoms for a little bit, you feel like you've taken control, and then the symptoms just come back just as bad or worse the next time. Repeat cycle. What the consensus seems to be is that the person with anxiety will almost always then come to regret their decision the moment they have the ability to remember clearly without the anxiety clouding their thoughts and feelings towards said partner. However, this may happen in a matter of weeks, or it may take more than a year, and sometimes requires a "it's too late now" trigger (seeing said person with another person, for example), which makes the breakup hard to fit into either a stopgap mentality or a proper breakup mentality. Until then, they will usually be very defensive about the decision, the decision being the right one will often feel more important than anything else in the world, and any perceived threat to it will feel like an attack on them personally. This entire cycle is made all the harder to resist, because when anxiety suggests you can not trust people, and then you get told well you can't trust your own thoughts and feelings anymore either, there is nothing left to trust. So they reject any possibility that it might be true that their own thoughts and feelings are wrong.

Opinion on what the partner should do is kinda split. Some say just move on, some say leave it alone for a while and test the waters later, some say stick around for a little bit and then move on, and some say stick around for a few months, then keep your options open, and often it is based on the specific scenario as well as the person suggesting it. The suggestions given to the person with anxiety disorder (by others with it) in said scenario is almost always along the lines of "stick with it, ask for some space if needed, but let them know you are coming back, and that you will keep touching base, and then go seek professional help as soon as you can" often with warnings tossed in by the people who did break things off, or encouragement by those that didn't.

Note that if I had not done as much research on this as I did, I would have found this hard to believe as an unsurprising scenario. so I understand doubts about above. I have read dozens and dozens of people who went through it and even I have doubts about it. While this could potentially be good news, this is mostly bad. It means instead of being certain, I only will get uncertainty, and even if we got together again, being a catalyst for change to start in a reasonable amount of time is much harder than the patient encouragement route.

Reasons to justify this model: Obviously there is always the risk that this is wishful thinking, even with me being actively cynical about the possibility. However, the core reasons I fit this to the anxiety model is...
-These symptoms being able to be caused by anxiety disorder is non controversial.
-Her having anxiety disorder was well established well prior to the relationship
-She has actively made choices to embed her life into mine even after the breakup, and continues to strive towards the restoration of what I have no better way to describe than as a pseudo-dating.
-When she said "i love you as a friend", and I told her to find different wording, rather than use the word love, if that is what she wanted to say, she (very uncharacteristically) got mad that I was trying to change the way she felt. Same with another comment where she canceled her plans for her Saturday and I went to mention that the plans could have just been altered, and she exclaimed "it really hurts when you keep trying to change my mind!" [we have been minimum contact since then]
-A little bit after I posted the original of this, she contacted me to tell me that she didn't think she was wired correctly to find a relationship with anyone fulfilling because being in a relationship puts anxieties on her. (which is the closest I would have gotten to saying "i broke up with you because of my anxiety")
-A comment just 4 days before we broke up, and we were talking about hypersensitive hearing (e.g. the hums), and I made a joke "at least it will drown out your ability to hear my annoying voice" and she replied that sometimes the noises get really really bad to the point that she can't concentrate on anything or think and she gets overwhelmed, but then if I'm there, and I start talking, suddenly she will just hear my voice out of all the other noises, and even when she has no idea what I'm talking about, or even what I'm saying, just hearing me talk can help her focus and make the noise go away. Saying something like that is hard to just make up about a conversation topic that you had no idea was going to come up.
-a bunch of little things.

What to do about it? Well, right now, absolutely nothing, unfortunately. Bringing any of this up would drive her away regardless of if it was true or not (and even if I wanted that, it would make her condition worse), so my tried and true maxim "say what you need to say to whom you need to say it to" unfortunately does not apply. So I'm keeping minimum contact for a little bit longer, and then maybe slowly opening up contact once D&D starts back up (I put it on hold "for the holiday season"), at least for the 3 weeks I am stuck keeping her around as to not ruin things for the rest of my players. Also, I have another friend with anxiety disorder, who has actually talked about getting help. she would have never let me drive her to a support group before (she lives quite a ways away) but now that I have self interest in going as well, she is willing to go. So I'm going to help her out and learn more about what it is like to live with the condition just in case things start up again. Even if they don't, I still helped my friend and learned a new skill.

sorry for such a long post, feedback is always appreciated.

Bonus: Maths! since no one else would get this.
Let V0 be initial value, let Vp be value on success of action, and Vq be value of failure of action.
When p is low, Vp is high, and Vq is significant, but all values are of unknown quantity, how should one go about estimating
P*Vp+Q*Vq>=V0 (risk neutral value of action)
same with the Kelly criterion's corollary evaluation for if an investment is worth the risk
(Vp/V0)^p*(Vq/V0)^q>=1

From my experience, a woman not fighting with you is a sign that a breakup is imminent. Myself and many other men who wind up having their wives divorce them tend to not see it coming as they seem to be getting along fine and not fighting. Much like a coach in sports, when he stops yelling at a player it means he has lost hope in that player or given up on them. When a woman stops fighting with a man, it oftentimes is a sign that she has given up on him and the relationship.

Furthermore, fights are good for relationships. You are seeing each other every waking moment of every day, discussing your most intimate feelings and if there isn't an argument happening with some regularity you aren't doing these broadening yourself emotionally with her.

When she has moved on though, the decision typically wasn't made on a whim. This was pondered and agonized over for her, and she hasn't taken it lightly by any stretch of the imagination. She has probably involved her friends and perhaps her family in the decision all while you lived in blissful ignorance

So. Always dangerous offering an opinion without knowing people.

But.

To me, what you're describing is a woman with VERY low self-worth, assuming you've accurately pin-pointed the problem. She doesn't love or value herself, so she doesn't believe she has anything of value to offer you. Doesn't matter what you think. She feels like a fraud and is afraid of failing you (bringing on the social anxiety), so it's easier for her to withdraw, blaming herself for the failure of your relationship and validating her own fears.

Where either of you goes from there I don't know. A lot of women with those problems are in the shadow of unresolved abuse or molestation. That DOESN'T mean that's what is at the base of her anxiety issues; it's just common within the background of those other women.

I guess it's possible you can overcome her fears by persisting. It seems to work in the movies, anyway. But I still think you're in the "friend" zone and unlikely to improve that, regardless of the reason she came to that decision. My opinion remains, move on.

Quote: GamerMan

Dear Mr Wizard.
This question is not gambling related but an unusual dating question notcovered by the rest of your site

After being with a girl for 6 months, no problems, no issues, no fights, no arguements. Earlier this week, She told me she wants to be just friends because she loves me, but no longer in a partner kind of way. And she doesn't think she "can be what I need her to be". I don't need her to be anything, and tell her I like her how she is, but she seems set on this course

I don't know if she doesn't like that the relationship cooled a bit since every experience was no longer a new one, or if there is a problem I don't know about our what, it just seems like if it is 99% good, why we wouldn't even try to fix it if there's a problem

Sorry, I know you don't answer these kinds of questions any longer, I just wanted the perspective of another actuary, one not attached to the situation. Do I play along for a bit and hope she reevaluates, cut ties unless it is about getting back together, end the entire thing? I want to try to fix things if they are broken for her, but it seems weird that we are not even going to try...

Cut ties. Cut your losses. Move on.

If she does take you back which is highly unlikely you will always be the biatch in the relationship. Do you really want that? I hope not.

Quote: Wingnut

This hypothesis can be proven by by using this formula. Take the number of months that you have been dating and add the sum of your and your girlfriends ages. We will divide this number by 57 and then multiply that result by 100 to get the percentage chance that she will shortly have or does have another boyfriend. This formula has a historic error rate of +- 1%.

Do yourself a favor, don't contact her or her family and friends. She has decided that you two are no longer an item and the "remain friends" thing is, as always simply rhetoric to make it sound good. If there is a chance to get back together or remain friends let her come to you. Doing it any other way will be bad for you and your emotional health.

Do things that you enjoy doing and another opportunity will present itself. That's the good news. The bad news is that when this happens you will once again be a boyfriend and will be back in that same position that all boyfriends are in, wondering what your girlfriend is thinking.

Good Luck with that.

This resonates - with humor and some truth. Me like.

From your original post:

Quote: GamerMan

After being with a girl for 6 months,

To:

Quote: GamerMan

Ok, on to the results of my research.

This seems like a whooole lotta analysis for a 6 month relationship. Move on.