Face
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Face
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January 16th, 2012 at 1:28:01 PM permalink
Quote: AZDuffman

Wait a minute, sorry if I missed this before, but you actually work there? I thought you just lived upstate?



Yeah AZ, I work here. Did you happen to visit on Friday? Chippendale's were in town, one thousand drunk and screaming ladies took over the floor. Madness.

Well my friends, it appears I'm coming to the end. Our last mediation was this morning. Both of us showed up pleasant and were conversing before the session started, and it started right off with the retirement. I told her what I told her the first time, that I intended to keep her whole, but I didn't want any secrets. If we were to try to remain civil, maybe even friends, we had better start off on the right foot and that means transparancy.

As far as very bad things go, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Both of us left...happy. Everything she wanted she got, and everything I wanted I got. I didn't even have to use the retirement as leverage, she waived me splitting healthcare costs of her own accord (in the long run WAY better than half her retirement) and actually brought up herself the fact that we should split tax claims. I had an idea of what I would accept in my head; she added to that and we were done in 25 minutes. Just a clean, smooth deal.

We spent a good 45 minutes after that talking just the two of us. Where we were going, plans for our son, her health problems and how I and my family would always be available, how she would help me tranistion my finances...say true, it's kind of weird. We still have the same level of respect and caring for each other, just without the romantic connotations. I think we're going to make this work just fine.

The hard part's over, now comes the harder part. And then probably an even harder part after that and, if I'm lucky, one last hardest part and I'll be done. But right now, I'm in a good place, and really, I can't say it enough, a not insignificant part of my mental stability is the help I received here. A thousand times thank you, for every one of you have given me a gift of immeasurable value.
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odiousgambit
odiousgambit
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January 16th, 2012 at 1:37:38 PM permalink
Very good news!
the next time Dame Fortune toys with your heart, your soul and your wallet, raise your glass and praise her thus: ďThanks for nothing, you cold-hearted, evil, damnable, nefarious, low-life, malicious monster from Hell!Ē She is, after all, stone deaf. ... Arnold Snyder
EvenBob
EvenBob
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January 16th, 2012 at 1:52:47 PM permalink
Quote: Face

I didn't even have to use the retirement as leverage



Don't kid yourself, of course you did. By
letting her know you were going after it
last week, and then dropping the issue
this week, thats the leverage that got
you what you wanted. She was so relieved,
it was smooth sailing. Women and money,
oy..
"It's not enough to succeed, your friends must fail." Gore Vidal
AZDuffman
AZDuffman
Joined: Nov 2, 2009
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January 16th, 2012 at 7:40:14 PM permalink
Quote: Face

Yeah AZ, I work here. Did you happen to visit on Friday? Chippendale's were in town, one thousand drunk and screaming ladies took over the floor. Madness.



Was there Saturday. Casino, not the Chippendales...... Played some, friends wimped out on the good steak dinner. One friend kept breaking my balls about getting a player's club card, saying what was the point. Well, the point was the $10 free play became a $130 win! So my weekend was basically free.

Glad all went as well as possible for you. I agree with EB, she thought about her pension and your claim and her lawyer told her to not push things because you had the upper hand. I do continue to encourage you to move forward, not look back. Little comes off worse than a guy trying to get his ex back. And I casay from having worked with such guys that is a death spiral. After a few years the are the "Peaked Paul" of the office--come in looking like they were out all night everyday; talk about nothing but how great "the good old days" were; and stay just a step ahead in life.

So far your attitude seems great--keep that. Surely the whole board suppots you.
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others
EvenBob
EvenBob
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January 16th, 2012 at 8:16:55 PM permalink
Quote: AZDuffman

Little comes off worse than a guy trying to get his ex back. .



Ain't that the truth. Nothing more pitiful
than a guy making a fool out of himself
chasing something he can't catch. It
works in the movies, I've never seen it
work for real.
"It's not enough to succeed, your friends must fail." Gore Vidal
Face
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Face
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April 19th, 2013 at 4:28:29 PM permalink
I hate to bring this back up, but Iím scared of becoming a stat for s2dbaker to post in the gun thread (joking). Since yíalls help worked so good last time, of course Iím going to try it again. So, long story short to bring everything up to speedÖ

Almost immediately after this thread ended (~3 weeks after I moved out) she started seeing an old friend (the same one she talked to all the time and I ďdidnít need to worry aboutĒ).

A little over a month later, she attempted to move in with him and take my son with her (Iím 40min SE of Buffalo, he lives in Syracuse, total drive time ~4hr) I came uncorked and threatened a never ending war to end all wars if she did. If she wanted to go, that was fine. But gambling my sonís stability on an experimental relationship wasnít happening. I won that fight and we agreed that my son was to enroll in school in the fall out here with me. She moved to Syracuse and had since remarried, coming to get our son on the weekends. Come summer he would be with her full time with me getting him on my days off, and come next fall, he would then enroll out in Syracuse and Iíd get him on the weekends.

While it was probably the best that one could hope for, it still just griped my ass. I mean, weekends are days you play with your friends that you meet in school. He wonít get to do that. Sports, musicals, all these things were going to be different for him, and his dad / grandparents / aunts / etc wouldnít be able to attend because of the distance. But again, what else could be done? Nothing, except do the best we could.

I just got off the phone with her. Come this June, her husband is getting transferred back to where he was hired. Tampa. Mother%&^ing. Florida.

I donít know what to do. This ainít about me; if it was Iíd just take her to court and fight for custody. This is about him, and because her selfishness, he is going to suffer. Whether I or she has custody, heís going to be going long stretches without seeing one of his parents, and is going to constantly endure long flights by his self (heís 4!) just to get back and forth to us.

Even if I could somehow win custody and put her in a position to have to choose between her son or her husband and force her to stay hereÖ Christ, itíd still destroy his mother, and hurting her is hurting him.

Rock, meet hard place.

So come on with it. Give me some perspective. Help me realize this isnít the worst bleeding thing that could possibly happen. I just need a little light to work off ofÖ
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boymimbo
boymimbo
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April 19th, 2013 at 6:23:47 PM permalink
Sure. I'll give you perspective.

--Deleted for personal reasons--
Many years ago, ...... grade.
-----

My advice to you is that you gotta do what's truly best for your child. Long distance relationships suck. As his Dad, though, you've got to play the high road. Weekends and friends are really meaningless until later on in the child's life (think age 11 or so). Even if you fought for custody, the judge will likely look at the relationships and connections and favor the mother. You also have to look at the step-father too to see if he's a good role model for your kid. Then make a decision on whether to fight it based on that. I think that for you, Face, it's worthwhile to make your points in front of a judge. If you truly believe it's in the
child's best interests to be with you over the mother, then you've gotta make that fight, without being slanderous and terrible to your ex (no matter how she's treating you).

A father's relationship to his son is the most important relationship a son can have. He needs a great male role model in his life. Otherwise there's a good probability that bad things will happen to him in his teenaged years.

If it turns out that he moves to TPA or he stays with you in BUF, your kid aint' getting on a plane unaccompanied to see you. He ain't transferring in ATL or PHI or CLT (you can't get from TPA to BUF without stopping somewhere). It's way too hard on the kid. You (or your ex) will be getting on the plane and making arrangements to stay at relatives or a hotel to have access to the child, as often as possible. More than likely Face you'll end up moving down to TPA to be close to the kid. It will be f**king painful. Make sure that the custodial parent pays for the travel (or make sure it comes off of the support). Make sure that the non-custodial parent gets to spend the majority of summers and holidays with them.

Sorry.
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
Face
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Face
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April 19th, 2013 at 7:04:28 PM permalink
Thanks boymimbo. Glad to hear your situation has so far worked out, at least as far as your girl is concerned.

Thatís the big bitch in all of this. I could give a flip about myself. I mean, the divorce, at least financially, completely ruined me to the point itíll be well over a decade before I recover. But still Iím the happiest Iíve possibly ever been, in large part due to how my boy is, which is wonderful. It just kills me because, like you experienced, I already have to deal with the teary eyes because he misses either I or mommy, and thatís just being away for 4 days max. To think of that being extended to months until winter / spring / summer breaks, and I could just about kill her (not literally).

I guess I just canít over what I view as her selfishness. I mean, sure, she deserves to move on and pursue happiness and all that, I donít fault her for it. But so do I, and I made damn sure my girl knew and knows that my boy comes first, and anything he needs, Iíll provide. If that conflicts with what she wants, too bad. Deal with it or leave.

I just feel she has and is still putting her personal happiness above my sonís. Perhaps thatís an error in thinking, but I canít shake it. Sheís done nothing but chase this guy around and drag my son further and further from his familyÖ I just couldnít imagine doing that. Hell, Iíve already passed up job offers for just that reason,Ö but I donít know. Maybe Iím the one being selfish?

The dude hasnít yet got my stamp of approval, and Iím not sure he ever will. He was a woman chasing scumbag back when I was still married, my ex used to talk about every now and then. In a band, sleeping with everyone including married women, blah, blah, blah. He has a son of his own that he didnít see until he was 12 Ė 13 (living with them now), whoís already ran into issues with delinquency. People change, yeah, but Iím on permanent high alert when it comes to that. Iíve absolutely not seen anything so far to worry me, butÖ you know. Ever alert, ready to go to jail at the drop of a hat (kind of literally).

The biggest bitch of it all is it simply makes little difference. While I much rather him be with me and might even think heíd be better off, thereís nothing whatsoever that makes me believe heíll be worse off with her or that that household will be bad for him. It simply the idea of us being so very, very far apart, and all that goes with it. The travel, the long periods of time away, the inability to be there ďat the drop of a hatĒ, should that be needed. Whether I have custody or she does, that problem doesnít change one bit. What is in his best interest is exactly the thing sheís trying to take away Ė the proximity, the frequent visits, the ability to frequently be with all members of the family. And thereís no way for me to fix it.

And itís killing me.
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boymimbo
boymimbo
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April 19th, 2013 at 7:28:43 PM permalink
Kids are amazingly resilient. He will get used to the routine and accept it. It will be extremely difficult).

From what you say and from what I know about you (guns aside, lol -- please unload them and give them to your friends for a few days until this blows over), it seems that your ex is not doing what's in your kids best interests, especially given the stepfather's character as you describe, and that the courts might feel the same way about it (though courts have invariably supported mothers, things are changing).

If you feel like your ex is being selfish and taking the kid away from the non-immediate members family is selfish, then by all means, get a lawyer, learn about the case law on similar cases, and take the ex to court. At least you tried. And if you win, then the child sees everyone but the mother, and you have the support system you need to raise the kid, including strong female figures in aunts and grandparents. And if you lose, you did eveything you could, and you will feel that at least you tried. At least here in Ontario, the courts here look at the situations of each parent and at least try to figure out what's best for the child. You owe the kid that, especially if you're not sure.

If the kid moves to TPA, you will likely end up really missing the kid, especially in the first year, and you will probably move heaven and earth to move to Florida to be close to him. There are casinos in Florida, and your commitment to him will be appreciated and rewarded in spades later in life. You might lose your "girl" in this, and certainly, you'll lose some contact with the kid, but truthfully, you're probably the most important thing in your son's life, and despite what your ex does, you owe it to the child to be there for him.
----- You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
Face
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Face
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April 19th, 2013 at 10:18:02 PM permalink
Thanks boymimbo. It's funny how little words can act as a life preserver, giving you something to support and steady yourself with. I really appreciate it.

I got to talk with the ex more, she's pretty tore up as well. This was something they expected 6-7 years down the road, not in 6-8 weeks.

So far she's come up with my son coming home during all the breaks, holidays, summer, etc, basically about every month for a week during school and all the time he's out. All of this to be taken out of the CS money, which, I suppose, silver lining blah-blah-blah.

But still. That big bitch of none of it mattering as far as long periods away from one of us no matter which way it's sliced. She said he'd come home as often as possible, doesn't fix that problem. Said if he didn't adjust well, he could stay with me. Doesn't fix it. She even went so far to say that if things just did not work out, she'd leave her husband and come back home. As that would destroy her, still and yet again, the problem's not fixed. What a mess.

I almost lost it twice. Once was when, after mere hours to think, she demanded I make a decision as to whether I was going to force this issue to court. It was the retirement argument all over again where she wanted an answer now, even when it's obviously too early. I shut that down easy enough. The second was when she tried the "woe is me" bs, crying about why can't anything ever be easy for her. I could list a myriad of decision, all hers, that led her right to this point, but nah. Sometimes I wish I had more asshole in me to put people in their places, but I'll just eat this one. Again. She wouldn't have gotten it anyways and would have only made it all worse.

In any case, I feel much better already. I mean, it's all about perspective. Sure, this is a shitty situation where every single choice is a zonk of epic proportions. But my kid's happy, he's healthy, and there a damn sight more worse things in life. I know trading the "every day normal time" of married fatherhood for the "twice a week quality time" of single fatherhood has done wonders for our bond. Perhaps this will enhance that even more. One can hope...

boymimbo, again... Thank you.
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