The Sucker Reform Act of Nobody Gives a Damn

Here are my suggestions of soccer reform. They may transform a sport that can bore people to death into something that will merely bore them to tears.

1) Reduce the field by 30% to 70 meters long, and a proportional amount in width to maintain the current aspect. Right now most of the "action" consists in driving the ball from one end to the other. That's as interesting as, well, watching grown men kick a ball from one side to the other of a 100-meter long field. (Bring on the comparisons to Football, by all means).

2) Stop the f*** clock. Play (action is too charitable a word and I'm running low on quotation marks) is supposed to be 45 minutes per half. A co-worker, who is a sucker fan, tells me he timed effective play in several WC games using a stopwatch. By his reckoning, play is closer to 30 minutes per half. Meaning the time when the abll is off the field, the players mill around waiting for the referee to rule, or let play resume, etc etc, eat up one quarter of play time. Stop and start the clock as in any other timed sport. As a necessary corollary to this, institute time outs.

3)Have a play clock. As in basketball, each team will have a fixed time to score, say 120 seconds, maybe 180. If they don't score when the play clock runs down, they turn the ball over to the other team.

4) Bring the game into the 20th Century: use instant replay (ah, flashbacks of when techies would tease luddites by saying "join the 20th Century before it's over!") This needs no explanation, and it beats banning replay of "controversial" plays on stadium screens.

5) Increase the size of the goal, especially the height

6) Eliminate the position of goalie. Instead designate one player per team who can lay habds on the ball, but only when inside the goal area; however, no lpayer may remain longer than 20 seconds inside such area unless the ball is in play in it.

7) Allow substitutions as needed by each team. This allows for the creation of speacialty players, plus a well-defined offense and defense.

8) Give up the whole sorry spectacle altogether and form Football leagues instead (WARNING: This will eliminate the boredom factor entirely)

9) Naked cheerleaders.

Quote: konceptum

9) Naked cheerleaders.

Oh, no.

You don't give for free what the customer will pay for.

9) Strip clubs all around the stadium. Outrageously high cover price on game day, equally impressive discount for ticket holders.

-bites-
You know that a lot of the world are quite happy with football the way it is... as a sport it makes more money and has more viewers than the NFL.

(apart from some sort of replay, which would be a good idea when the bleedin' ref and linesman can't see a ball cross the bloody line that 90,000 other people in the stadium can.... bah).

Quote: thecesspit

-bites-
You know that a lot of the world are quite happy with football the way it is... as a sport it makes more money and has more viewers than the NFL.

A lot of people were quite happy thinking the Sun revolves around the Earth, too. I fail to see the point :P

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(apart from some sort of replay, which would be a good idea when the bleedin' ref and linesman can't see a ball cross the bloody line that 90,000 other people in the stadium can.... bah).

Right. I forgot that one:

10) Change the rule that requires referees and other officials fail an eye test before being allowed to officiate games.

Puzzled and then trying to understand the 'offsides' rule this time around, I have concluded that you can only watch this game drunk and pretend to understand what is going on. Now I understand the hooligan problem.

from Wikepedia:

"Offside ... The law states that, if a player is in an offside position when the ball is touched or played by a team mate, he may not become actively involved in the play. A player is in an offside position if he is closer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and all but zero or one of the opposing players, but only if the player is on his opponent's half of the field (pitch). What is considered actively involved has become the subject of complex guidance."

Quote: odiousgambit

Puzzled and then trying to understand the 'offsides' rule this time around, I have concluded that you can only watch this game drunk and pretend to understand what is going on.

I was going to say you're thinking of baseball, not sucker, but then I remembered my last time at a sucker game (almost 25 years ago). I had a hell of a time finding a soft drink vendor. I think there was one such for every 3 beer vendors.

Not only that, but soda was served in generic plastic cups, and it may have passed near a refrigerator in the not-too-distant past, but then again might not have. Beer, on the other hand, was carried in ice buckets. The bottles were opened by the vendor and poured, whole, into a styrofoam cup. Of course beer was more expensive, but also easier to get.

Oh, I asked while I wrote the paragraph above. One co-worker says it's offside when the sideline judge says it is. The other says it's offside if it goes against the other team.

I have to say that suggesting such huge changes to what is the most popular sport in the world is quite ridiculous. I hope you were just taking the piss.

The problem I have here is that is plays to the assumption that a sport is boring if there is not a lot of scoring. The NFL seems to have this problem and to me it takes away from the game. While two hapless teams is boring, I for one prefer the chess match of field position to when there are just a few long passes and a score.

Quote: Aussie

I have to say that suggesting such huge changes to what is the most popular sport in the world is quite ridiculous. I hope you were just taking the piss.

Hmmm.....

"I have to say that suggesting such badly needed changes to what is the most boring sport in the world is a stroke of sheer genius. I hope you inspire the ignorant masses to puruse these changes"

There! All fixed. :P

On the other hand the thread title was supposed to give a clue.

Bigger goal, instant replay, no offsides, clocked event like real football, shouldn't be too hard to fix.

I played soccer as a kid, and offsides was sometimes confusing even to the players! However, it's pretty easy, in reality: You can dribble the ball down the field with no defenders between you and the goal, but you can't just camp out there and hope that someone passes the ball to you.

I don't know what any of this stuff would do to the economics involved but if its really such a list of great ideas then why don't you simply identify the cities with major soccer teams and organize your own league that follows these rules but plays in the same cities thereby taking away their audiences and advertiser?

When you've got all the major markets locked up... they can change their rules but it will be too late. You will own "Real Soccer" franchises.

Good luck.

I arrived in Las Vegas on 7/11, climbed into the taxi, and the first words of small-talk out of the cabbie's mouth were about the world cup finally being over. (Yes - I had managed to schedule my flight to coincide with the world cup final.) The next words were about how stupid and boring the game is. I happen to like the game, though not enough to change my travel plans, but I felt trapped, unable to defend the sport because this cabbie held my life in his hands. One wrong word and I KNEW we'd be taken for a ride - "Oh, didn't you know that the shortcut to the strip has great views of the Grand Canyon?" We'd already been offered the expressway shortcut, so this was a real possibility.

Of all the sports that people don't like for whatever reason, soccer seems to have the most vocal and obnoxious detractors. You don't hear this kind of outburst about curling. I wasn't annoyed that this gentleman did not like soccer - he's entitled to his opinions - but I was annoyed that he assumed that because I am an American-English speaking white guy, I must not like the game either.

Other than that, I enjoy the rants against soccer -- very entertaining. Really. I mean that.

Quote: seattledice

Of all the sports that people don't like for whatever reason, soccer seems to have the most vocal and obnoxious detractors. You don't hear this kind of outburst about curling.

That's because the fans and ruling bodies of other sports, not to mention the media, don't go around lecturing people for not liking Football, curling, skiing, skating, baseball, etc etc.

Sucker fans, not all of them but the vast majority, are firmly convinced everyone should love their pastime. They get nasty at any opposition.

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I wasn't annoyed that this gentleman did not like soccer - he's entitled to his opinions - but I was annoyed that he assumed that because I am an American-English speaking white guy, I must not like the game either.

Come on. It was a good bet on his part. Although I'm puzzled how white gets into the equation. Most US sucker players are white.

Quote: FleaStiff

I don't know what any of this stuff would do to the economics involved but if its really such a list of great ideas then why don't you simply identify the cities with major soccer teams and organize your own league that follows these rules but plays in the same cities thereby taking away their audiences and advertiser?

It's a great idea in that 1) it may make the game marginally less boring and 2) it couldn't possibly hurt the quality of the game (can't hurt non-existent quality, right?) But aside from instant replay, getting sucker fans to accept a minor change to their non-sport is like getting a two year old child to believe the apple with the near-microscopic spot on it tastes the same as a pristine apple.

Quote: AZDuffman

The problem I have here is that is plays to the assumption that a sport is boring if there is not a lot of scoring.

People tell me the objective in a sucker match is sto score more goals than the opposing team. I say that's bunk. If that were the objective, then they would score more often. I repeat, the goal is huge, the goalie is merely human sized: why the paucity of scores then? In hockey where the goal is tiny and the goalie pretty much covers 90% of it, there are more scores per game.

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The NFL seems to have this problem and to me it takes away from the game.

Football has a complex scoring system. That helps. But teams do score several times during the game. Shutouts are rare, but so are lopsided reults.

Can you imagine a Superbowl witha 3-0 or 7-3 score? The closest one was Superbowl III, which turned into a defensive duel despite good offenses on both teams, and even then there were five scores.

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While two hapless teams is boring, I for one prefer the chess match of field position to when there are just a few long passes and a score.

Merely watching both teams advance to near mid-field and then punt? I'm sorry but I don't quite get what field position means the way you used it.

Normally field position is a measure of a team's chances to score. That is, you're more likely to score at leasta field goal if you have good field position, and more likely to punt if you don't.

Quote: Nareed

Here are my suggestions of soccer reform....

Nareed: I don't suppose you read the comic "Get Fuzzy", do you? It had quite a sequence of strips with the sarcastic cat expressing his opinion of soccer and the World Cup (link below). The 7/11 strip (nice, irrelevant, date/gambling reference) had his suggestion for rules changes. Take a look to see how well these strips endorse your opinions.

Get Fuzzy ..... This link shows the nine pertinent strips.

Nareed, Why do they take their shirts off to celebrate a goal?

Not Nareed here, but I thought that was to commemorate Brandi Chastain. ;-)

Quote: matilda

Nareed, Why do they take their shirts off to celebrate a goal?

Well, I'm stumped.

Not because I don't know the answer (naturally I don't know the answer). What I can't figure out is why is the question directed at me.

Quote: Nareed

Well, I'm stumped.

Not because I don't know the answer (naturally I don't know the answer). What I can't figure out is why is the question directed at me.

Because you are an expert on the game. Anyone who is so bored with the game must have digested every nuance the game has to offer in the search for enjoyment from the game and then has rejected each facet as boring.

Quote: matilda

Because you are an expert on the game. Anyone who is so bored with the game must have digested every nuance the game has to offer in the search for enjoyment from the game and then has rejected each facet as boring.

No offense, but that makes no sense.

A game may be boring or exciting regardless of what the spectator knows about it. Furhtermore I wouldn't expect someone who dislikes a game to try to find something to like about it. I don't ahve to eat a whole rotten egg to know it is rotten.

Why do Football players spike the ball to celebrate a touchdown? I've no idea. The ways players and teams celebrate a score vary by team, by player and even by the current fad. The rules say after scoring a TD the player should return the ball to the official standing by the end zone line.

Why is a touchdown called a touchdown when no-one touches down?
Or called football, when it's not a ball, and it rarely gets played with the foot?

Why is the baseball 'perfect game' called such when perfection means one side generates no hits?

Actually, now baseball, there's a game that take dullness to new levels. If you could make the ball bounce, have no foul terroritory, more running and less innings, you'd have a better game. Oh, wait, the Brits already invented it and called it cricket...

Quote: thecesspit

Why is a touchdown called a touchdown when no-one touches down?

Beats me.

Closest I can come is "Why is a wall called a wall?"

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Or called football, when it's not a ball, and it rarely gets played with the foot?

Kicking, usually with the feet, is an integral part of Football. And there is a ball.

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Why is the baseball 'perfect game' called such when perfection means one side generates no hits?

Unused as I am to defend the undefensible, the "perfect game" is awarded to the pitcher who allows no hits.

Anyway, why is it called "baseball"? because "golf" was already taken. But why is it called "golf"? Because "s***t" was already taken.

Quote: Nareed

Beats me.

Closest I can come is "Why is a wall called a wall?"

Well, I can tell you why it is called a touch down in rugby....

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Kicking, usually with the feet, is an integral part of Football. And there is a ball.

As opposed to kicking with the closed hand?

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Unused as I am to defend the undefensible, the "perfect game" is awarded to the pitcher who allows no hits.

As opposed to the crowd who have to watch a sorry afternoon...

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Anyway, why is it called "baseball"? because "golf" was already taken. But why is it called "golf"? Because "s***t" was already taken.

Shift? Shaft?

Quote: Nareed

"Why is a wall called a wall?"

Using the g++ or gcc compiler, the -Wall flag means to give all warning messages, so Wall = "warning all".

Don't bump your head!!!

--Dorothy