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ewjones080
ewjones080
Joined: Feb 22, 2012
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October 26th, 2012 at 3:22:06 AM permalink
I guess this now belongs on the new website, but since I started it here, I figured I would continue it here, but I'll repost on the DT site.. for those that don't know, here's a synopsis:

I went to the strip club. A stripper, I got a dance with, gave me her number, giving me seemingly clear signs she might want to date me for real. We exchanged texts two days later arranging a date, but without details. I called twice with no response.. it didn't happen, and so I texted her the night we were supposed to go out, she said, "sry. we can reschedule"

Moderator's note: Original thread


So, there really isn't any update. But I wanted to switch gears a little bit, since the last thread had more of a feel of my problems with meeting women, and I was hoping to extend that. Last Thursday, Oct. 18, I went back to a different strip club with a friend I work with. It was okay, except that, since I wasn't alone I think I was a little more "douche-baggery" and the girls weren't into it.. I regret acting the way I did, and I wanted to apologize to this one particular girl that was on stage.....

He told me about one of the girls that he had been seeing. She also gave him her number... they went into the back and he continued to get SEVERAL songs...I felt a little sorry for him, because I think he might've thought there was more to it, when there wasn't.

I'm convinced now that MY stripper "friend" just wants me to come in to buy more dances...

But to switch gears a little bit.... I went to the bar yesterday (Wed, Oct 24). This bar all my coworkers go to, but this particular week, I knew a bunch were going to the casino, so I expected to be alone... But the sexiest girl I work with walked up behind me saying: "Oh, I thought I was gonna be the only here"... we proceeded to chat for awhile, getting a little bit of intimate time so to speak. For the last few weeks I've gotten a slight feeling she might be interested, although it might all be in my head...... Later in the night, I was playing a game of pool, and she's right there, seemingly MILLIMETERS away from dancing with me...SEEMINGLY all I needed to do was start shaking it, and I coulda grinded on her...

Now, even if I could get with her, I'm not sure if I would want to, since she has two kids--one with a fellow co-worker--and we really don't have anything in common.

So, later that night, there's this OTHER girl... a bit older.. a customer that has recently started coming to the bar, also extremely cute. We play a game of pool, and while I'm taking a shot, she smacks my ass.... she did this at least twice, with some other flirtatious nudges..... the thing is, if I remember correctly, she's married with two kids, which she told me herself, so I was totally confused, as I was reading signs of: "I want your d**k" ... I guess any time a girl does something like that to me, I would read it as a sign of "I want your d**k".. but maybe I'm wrong..




The truth is, anything I try to do what I know I'm "supposed" to do, and flirt and talk talk with girl, I get totally shut down, which is obviously discouraging. This leads me to play it safe and just not make much of an effort at all, that way I can't get turned down. So, I can not talk to girls much, and feel like MAYBE I could get a girl, or try to talk to a few and get rejected and feel like shit... I don't really know what to think at this point in my life...
FleaStiff
FleaStiff
Joined: Oct 19, 2009
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October 26th, 2012 at 3:48:11 AM permalink
H'mmm,
Let's see now.

To you dancing seems to mean lap dancing or some similar bump, grind overtly sexual contact.

"Signals" seem to you to be what Hippies used to call "Vibes".... no one but you can see them yet you dwell upon them excessively and never seem able to actually talk to someone and get a simple clarification of these "signals".

You say you have nothing in common and don't want to "get with her" because of her baggage (children), but you still obsess about a "slight feeling" that goes on for weeks... man those vibes must be real strange.

Your social life seems to be nothing but strip clubs and bars. And you seem to experience nothing but Vibes and Doubts About Vibes. The only women you seem to encounter are strippers or hookers or both or some combination and permutation thereof. I think you will find your problem in the mirror.
ewjones080
ewjones080
Joined: Feb 22, 2012
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October 26th, 2012 at 4:30:20 AM permalink
Quote: FleaStiff

H'mmm,
Let's see now.

To you dancing seems to mean lap dancing or some similar bump, grind overtly sexual contact.

"Signals" seem to you to be what Hippies used to call "Vibes".... no one but you can see them yet you dwell upon them excessively and never seem able to actually talk to someone and get a simple clarification of these "signals".

You say you have nothing in common and don't want to "get with her" because of her baggage (children), but you still obsess about a "slight feeling" that goes on for weeks... man those vibes must be real strange.

Your social life seems to be nothing but strip clubs and bars. And you seem to experience nothing but Vibes and Doubts About Vibes. The only women you seem to encounter are strippers or hookers or both or some combination and permutation thereof. I think you will find your problem in the mirror.




HAA.. yeah, you're pretty right about most of that... quite simply, I don't know what "dancing" is... I mean, I'm not a dancer, so any time I have done it, it's been cause I'm drunk, and just "bump and grind" in a club.... or awkward slow dance in high school...

Yeah, I usually can't communicate my thoughts to women. I simply don't want to be wrong and embarrass myself.. Again it's a lack of confidence... I also think part of it is how I grew up.. women were in my life to the max...I hung out with my older sister and her friends all the time.. or our girl cousins... I didn't grow up with guys and thus "the guy perspective" in my life... So I tend to think that my bad luck with women stems from being too respective of women..

I don't want to "get with her" not because of her kids, but because we work together... I'm an extremely private person and I know people would gossip...
vendman1
vendman1
Joined: Mar 12, 2012
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October 26th, 2012 at 6:19:52 AM permalink
OK man let me try to help you. In your original post I suggested that strippers are never interested in you for reasons beyond money. I think this has been proven correct. So maybe you'll take some more advice from a married guy in his 40's :)

Two things.

1. Stop looking for love in strip bars. It's a waste of time and money, and a little pathetic.

2. Women are usually attracted to confidence. Not that I'm suggesting you be a cocky a**hole, but simply more confident in your approach to the ladies. Which you seem to know is your biggest problem. So man up and ask a "real woman" (no strippers) out. Find someone you like and say "would you like to have dinner sometime"...or whatever works for you. What's the worst that could happen?. She says NO. BFD...you say ok, and move on to the next one. There are many fish in the sea dude. The worst thing you can do is get all fumbly and stammering and not know what to say. Think about it, you know what to say. You're just afraid to say it to a woman you find attractive. DON'T BE!!! Just get in there, a little embarrasment is the worst result possible.
ewjones080
ewjones080
Joined: Feb 22, 2012
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October 26th, 2012 at 7:08:30 AM permalink
Quote: vendman1

OK man let me try to help you. In your original post I suggested that strippers are never interested in you for reasons beyond money. I think this has been proven correct. So maybe you'll take some more advice from a married guy in his 40's :)

Two things.

1. Stop looking for love in strip bars. It's a waste of time and money, and a little pathetic.

2. Women are usually attracted to confidence. Not that I'm suggesting you be a cocky a**hole, but simply more confident in your approach to the ladies. Which you seem to know is your biggest problem. So man up and ask a "real woman" (no strippers) out. Find someone you like and say "would you like to have dinner sometime"...or whatever works for you. What's the worst that could happen?. She says NO. BFD...you say ok, and move on to the next one. There are many fish in the sea dude. The worst thing you can do is get all fumbly and stammering and not know what to say. Think about it, you know what to say. You're just afraid to say it to a woman you find attractive. DON'T BE!!! Just get in there, a little embarrasment is the worst result possible.



I just need to say this.. I wasn't looking for love in the strip club.. more along the lines of looking for p**sy, and even then, knew full well that my chance of simply finding a f**k buddy was unlikely.

In your second point, you say what many of my friends always tell me. It's always easier said than done. At this point my life I feel like meeting a woman needs to be organic, and not forced. Any time I try to force it, I am doomed to failure. If I don't make an effort, I can always fall back on the notion of:: well I could've got her had I tried. If I don't try, I can't fail. Obviously, this isn't a good way to live ones life, but I have seemed to settle into this philosophy.. Although, there are women that seem to be interested in me lately that I'm not interested in.... This just causes a whole new set of problems..
vendman1
vendman1
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October 26th, 2012 at 7:18:27 AM permalink
OK fine you weren't looking for "love" in a strip bar..just sex. Fine nothing wrong with that..(just remember to glove up!!)

You say you've settled into a philosophy of wanting to find a woman organically...ok also fine. Just one question... How's that working for you?
Not well is the answer, or you wouldn't be here looking for advice. So take some friendly advice and man up. Put yourself out there. Being afraid to fail is normal. Trying anyway is what you need to do. It sounds like you have friends giving you the same advice, and they are obviously closer to the situation, so listen to their good advice man.

Hope this helps I'm not trying to bust your chops...but your problem reminds me of a close friend of mine from college, and it took him years to get out there. So don't waste any more time, life is too short. Good Luck
SACR
SACR
Joined: Jul 7, 2012
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July 5th, 2015 at 5:48:20 AM permalink
The chick smacking your ass definitely wanted to do some horizontal dancing with you.

I'm not sure why you're so worried about getting shut down. Getting rejected isn't fun, don't get me wrong. But you need to put yourself out there or you're never going to meet anyone.

Stop trying to find a life mate when you go out. Look for something much simpler, set smaller goals.

Make your goal for the night to dance with one girl. That's it, ask a girl to dance, and if she says yes, dance with her. If she says no, ask someone else, and dance with her. Your only goal for the night is to get one dance. You accomplish that, you've had a good night.

Next time out, your goal is to dance with a girl, and any of her friends that are there with her. If you're worried about being shut down, ask the ugliest girl in the group, or the girl no one else is asking. Everyone else is going to go for the hot chick because they want to get laid that night, you're just going for dances. So who cares what your partner looks like, you're just trying to accomplish your goal for the night and dance with multiple girls.

The next time you go out, dance with some girls, and buy one a drink. Not taking her home, just dancing with her, and talk to her long enough to buy her a drink. You are working on getting comfortable talking to girls and interacting with them in a social setting.

Next time out, goal is dancing, drinking, and a phone number, but this has a twist. You're not going to ask her for her number. You're going to dance with her, buy her a drink, dance with her some more. If all goes well, at the end of the night, you tell her, "I had a great time. We should do this again. If you want, you can call me." When she says she doesn't have your number, you give it to her. If she calls you, you're in. If she doesn't call you, who gives a damn, you accomplished your goal.

Next time you go out, dance, drink, now you're ready to ask a girl for her number.

Reality is, if you go out often enough to the same place and always dance with the ladies, you're going to have one want to go home with you at some point. Simple law of averages.
MagnusBjuvman12
MagnusBjuvman12
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May 18th, 2017 at 1:53:26 AM permalink
Interesting.
SiegfriedRoy
SiegfriedRoy
Joined: Sep 23, 2014
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May 18th, 2017 at 7:34:16 AM permalink
Quote: ewjones080

At this point my life I feel like meeting a woman needs to be organic, and not forced. Any time I try to force it, I am doomed to failure. If I don't make an effort, I can always fall back on the notion of:: well I could've got her had I tried. If I don't try, I can't fail



My honest opinion is...meeting somebody organically may sound cute and romantic, but you have to be realistic. YES, you can find your "soul mate (somebody you're greatly compatible with)" running into each other in the supermarket isle, and this would be a great story to tell your grandkids. However, if you're serious about meeting "the one," you need to go to a dating website. Not the cheap free ones, but pay for match, or eharmony. There are thousands of women, and you can easily filter what type you like. it's like buying a car. Back in the days, you may have gone from dealership to dealership to look for a used vehicle, but you were limited to what was around you. If you were super lucky, you were able to get your '69 Mustang with the right color and low miles at your local car dealership. That's rare. Nowadays, you search for your car in databases with tens of thousands of cars, and finding the right car at the right price is far more realistic. Trust me on this, don't be shy about meeting somebody online, it's perfectly normal nowadays.
socks
socks
Joined: Jul 13, 2011
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May 18th, 2017 at 12:49:42 PM permalink
I've done very little dating, but I gave eHarmony a try once. They told me that they didn't have a match for me. Then, they let me view their description of me, which was disappointingly accurate. They really knew they didn't have anyone for me.

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