Poll

6 votes (75%)
2 votes (25%)

8 members have voted

TheNightfly
TheNightfly
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January 17th, 2011 at 12:26:20 AM permalink
I guess this question may only apply to those who have experienced both situations in the poll but if you have any comments I'd be glad to know them.

Many of us have experienced loss in our lives. Some of us deal with loss better than others. I'd like to know your opinion on which one of these losses you consider to be the most painful or difficult.

1. The death of a parent/close relative. Not everyone is close to their immediate family members but some people have very close relationships with their parents. We all know that sooner or later we'll all die and I guess it's more or less expected that we'll have to witness the death of one or both of our parents. Whether it's sudden or after a long illness may make a difference but I'm simply asking about how you deal with the loss.

2. The end of a relationship. I want to be specific here and state that I'm not talking about a divorce. Let's say you've been with someone - whether it's 4 months or 3 years - and while you're with that person you truly believe that you will spend the rest of your life with that person and you know that this is what you want with all of your heart. Then, that person decides that they no longer wish to be with you and it ends.

Again, which loss do you think is the more painful and the hardest to let go.
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mkl654321
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January 17th, 2011 at 12:30:52 AM permalink
The death of a relative is probably "supposed" to be more painful, but in most cases, that death isn't all that unexpected. Relationship breakups, on the other hand, can happen relatively suddenly. I think a measure of the pain we feel at a loss in our lives is how much or how little we were prepared for it.

On the flip side of the coin, we don't think we can bring a dead relative or parent back to life, but we often let the hope that we can repair a broken relationship linger far beyond when we should have given up--so we draw the pain out that much longer. (This is much more true for men than for women. While we sit mooning over a picture of our former beloved, she has already fed our heart to the cat, and put our belongings that we left at her apartment into a neatly packaged box that we can come by and pick up at our convenience.)
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality.---George Bernard Shaw
Face
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Face
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January 17th, 2011 at 2:55:35 AM permalink
I agree, circumstance has much to do with the severity of pain. Most people realize that the loss of a parent is inevitably going to happen and have decades to prepare, ponder and deal with this fact. Break-ups are usually unexpected, and unexpected pain is often worse. Its kind of like being punched in the face; it always hurts, but it hurts a lot less if you can see it coming. For this reason, I'd say the end of a relationship is more painful.

'Trauma' counts, too. Seeing family waste away too early with terrible illness, or being gunned down in the street, would obviously be worse than your partner simply falling out of love with you. Just as actually catching your lover cheating is far worse than them simply leaving, thereby raising it above some of the 'family' scenario's. However, all things being equal (family dieing of natural causes, relationship just running it's course) I'd still say the relationship hurts worse.

Personally, I believe* it may have something to do with biology. (*Belief. No scientific proof, see also: opinion) Love, attraction, all the elements of relationships are parts of our biological need to reproduce. Often times it surpasses even that of actual needs (food, water, shelter). Our NEED for parents, speaking strictly in biological terms, ends within the first year/s after birth. As we're all assumed to be over 18, we've all experienced the wonderful power of biology in the form of teenage hormones and suffice to say it's stronger than most any emotion produced over the course of a lifetime. Biology rules us all, and for this reason, I still say the relationship hurts the most.

As for dealing with the loss of family, I prefer positive rememberance. Don't dwell on the negative memmories (I didn't spend enough time, I shouldn't have fought with them so much, etc) It's emotional suicide, it only makes it worse, and is definately NOT what they have wanted. It may hurt, but do something, go somewhere, you and they used to enjoy and just remember them. It's how people live after death. My father-in-law, who I loved very much, recently passed. He taught me much on love, life....and carpentry. I was in the middle of re-roofing my house (by myself ><) when he passed. After the funeral proceedings, and after WNY's lovely weather had passed, I resumed that damned roof. I don't believe in spirits, souls, ghosts, Gods, heaven/hell, the afterlife, etc, but he was most definately there with me on that roof the entire time. It was so....refreshing. I guess thats is the only way to descibe it. Instead of feeling that weight of sorrow on your back, it was like shedding a layer of musty, itchy, heavy leather and standing naked and renewed in the spring sunshine. It wasn't a panacea, nothing really is, but it helped me tons and gave me more room on my shoulders to hold my wife up.

Lovers I would say is the opposite. I wouldn't purposefully go back to your old hangouts, but I also wouldn't purposefully avoid them. I think the number one thing to remember is your mind is your enemy (at least if you're a guy, as I can only speak for that particular brand of person). It will deceive you, taunt you, tease you and undermine you any chance it can. Very tricksy, it can be. The only way to defeat it is to give it enough to do that it can't focus on F'ing you over. New hobbies, new activities, reviving old hobbies you fell out of touch with throughout your life, anything you can think of as long as it's brain intensive. Creative? Write a book, paint a picture, compose a song. Gearhead? Re-build a motor, even if it's just tearing down your lawnmower and putting it back together. Anything in which you must concentrate on, thereby preventing your brain from drifting into the 'I'm a loser, I f'ed up, I Can Still Fix It!' mentality us guys tend to fall into after a breakup. Break-up pain will fade with time, you just have to keep a lock on your brain until that time comes. Alternatively, if it seems like too much work, you can follow me sage-like advice I used to dole out in my college days..."The faster way to get over someone is to get under someone".

Hope it helps. Good luck with whatever pains your heart.
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boymimbo
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January 17th, 2011 at 5:47:54 AM permalink
Hmmm...

I think it really depends on you. I think that if either is sudden, it's extremely painful and difficult either way. You have a deep emotional bond to both a lover and a friend. With death, obviously, you have regrets over things unsaid and issues that were unresolved. You can't resolve those issues -- they're dead. If the death is not sudden, I think it's alot easier to prepare and move on (unless you are the parent of the dead one - death of children is by far the worst experience one can go through, bar none).

In a sudden breakup, it's usually because of unresolved issues that the breakup occurs. In the type of breakup you describe, it takes a level of maturity to realize that you'll find someone else and that there are billions of other fish in the sea. In a breakup, no matter how it happens, it indicates that something wasn't perfect in your relationship (I would suggest lack of communication?) and that the inability to see the relationship coming to a close on such a short notice is a learning lesson for your next relationship. Letting go is difficult, but once you come to the realization that it wasn't your fault and that you erred in thinking that this person was the one for you, it becomes much easier. The good thing about someone that is still alive is to test the hypothesis that this person is the one for you by attempting to be with him/her after the breakup. You'll quickly come to the conclusions (after banging your head on the wall) that the person is not the right one for you and hopefully will modify your behavior to understand warning signs. If you look around and ask, you will find that pretty much every adult around you has gone through the same process of having to lose "the one", and for the most part, they've gone on and found "the other". If you've done it right and learned from the previous experience, "the other" turns out to be a better choice than "the one".

I think back to a particular relationship that I had 10 years ago. We were fantastic together, and thought absolutely for sure that she was the one. It was around Christmas that she broke up with me, out of the blue. I spent a good 3 - 4 weeks trying to get her back but it was all in vain. (critics, insert jokes here, and here). I came to realize the reason why it was sudden: I failed to see warning signs, there was a high risk factor of her returning to her former love, and in general, she was uncommunicative and emotionally closed off.
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