redneckrounder
redneckrounder
Joined: Jul 11, 2021
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MaxPen
July 11th, 2021 at 6:09:31 PM permalink
A little satire inspired after I saw a sign at a CET joint showing their NFL sponsorship:

Press Release, For Immediate Release:

Caesars Entertainment and the NFL announce expansion of partnership

Reno, NV

The NFL announced today that it has further partnered with Caesars Entertainment (CET) as a corporate consultant overseeing an efficiency drive, “The Pre-Season” to be implemented across the NFL.

After Caesars came on board as a sponsor, the NFL took a really close look at the company. What we saw amazed us in regards to their level of corporate performance. When we looked at our own organization, we saw that financially, we were out of shape. Just like in the pre-season, when players get back into season form and teams choose their best players, it was time for the NFL to enter pre-season. We approached Caesars about expanding our partnership and the result is a cooperative effort between the two companies that will see Caesars Entertainment, in a consulting role, driving our pre-season activities.

Today we are announcing the “Drills” we will be implementing as part of our week one pre-season activities:

The GHU - Globally Harmonized Uniform.

Untold hundreds of thousands of dollars are spent each year by NFL teams maintaining the uniforms and equipment that keeps the teams on the field. With the GHU, there will be one, and only one, uniform that will be worn by all teams. Each team will be recognized by armbands worn by the players utilizing team colors the fans are familiar with. This will cut down cut down on uniform costs as the organization can realize cost benefits from bulk purchasing. Additionally, teams will save costs as uniform maintenance while on the road because of its interchangeability with the uniforms of the teams that they are visiting.

Teams will now be limited to 10 players on the field at one time:

When we looked at the on-field product, we noticed that during any one play, there are only three or at most four people that touch the football. What are those other players doing really?” Remarked Sue Stephens, Senior Vice-Director of Efficiency and Overseas purchasing for CET. ”Our studies of football fans found that most of them can’t count anyway so they are not going to notice the difference anyway. By removing one player, teams can cut their rosters by almost 10%!!!.”

Touchdowns will count for 5 points instead of 6:

“This was a no-brainer, really” said Bob Stapleton Northeast Regional President of Accounts-Receivable for CET. ”Reducing the value of a touchdown from 6 to 5 points will make scoring the game simpler since you don’t have to count as many points. With this in mind, we believe we can reduce the headcount in the referee and scoring departments by 15%.” Those affected by this reduction are being notified today, we wish them the best in their future endeavors.

Sale-leaseback of teams

Additionally, the NFL is announcing that 10 teams are in the process of undergoing sale-leaseback agreements with a consortium of investors including Carl Icahn and Apollo Capital Management. “We would have liked to be able to provide more details about these agreements, but to be frank, it takes time to set up all the shell-companies and off-shore entities to make this sort of scheme work and with the current COVID situation, we just aren’t as far along as we wish we were” stated Josh McCorckle, Non-Core Assets and Sanitation Contract Manager for CET.

“These Drills represent only the first week of the Pre-Season” says Bob Stapleton. “Just like real life, second and third week drills will be based upon how the team responds to the first week.”

Other Drills the NFL are considering are quarter-based ticket pricing, reducing the length of the playing field to allow for more space for sponsor messaging, and closure of profitable but under-performing teams (probably the Browns).

Combined these drills are are expected to save the NFL and its teams $100 billion* over a number of years. In the end, it’s all about the fans, and the NFL believes that the fans are really going to enjoy the NFL when it reaches season form.


*Savings are calculated on a 150 year basis, adjusted for inflation.

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