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beachbumbabs
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beachbumbabs
Joined: May 21, 2013
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January 20th, 2014 at 1:05:33 PM permalink
That's pretty funny, Kubi! Yes, I'm old enough to get it, especially given Kissinger's reputation as a ladies' man before marrying Nancy.
If the House lost every hand, they wouldn't deal the game.
skrbornevrymin
skrbornevrymin
Joined: Jun 24, 2011
  • Threads: 1
  • Posts: 168
January 30th, 2014 at 2:02:05 AM permalink
As a plane is taxiing in from the runway, the pilot finishes making the landing announcements and forgets to turn off the microphone:

Pilot: "Now if we can get this thing parked, I have GOT to take a s**t!"

Co-pilot: "Got any plans for the night? Wanna grab a beer or something?"

Pilot: "Going straight to the hotel with Julie."

Co-pilot: "The blonde attendant with the big t*ts?"

Pilot: "Yeah, we got together a couple of weeks ago and ended up spending the night together..... Had a couple layovers since..... She is FANTASTIC! We can hardly keep our hands off each other.... She does this thing...."

In the back of the plane, Julie the flight attendant realizes what is happening and starts RUNNING toward the front of the plane.

About half way up the aisle, she trips and lands flat on her face next to an elderly woman.

As she starts to pull her self up onto her knees, the old lady leans over and whispers (a little too loudly) into her ear:

"No need to rush, dear...." (lightly patting Julie's hand) "He's got to take a s**t first."
Face
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Face
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
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February 7th, 2014 at 9:58:33 AM permalink
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct '98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

British: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Irish: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britiannia! The second largest ship in the British Atlantic fleet! We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North. I say again, that is 15 degrees North, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Irish: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
The opinions of this moderator are for entertainment purposes only.
Puckerbutt
Puckerbutt
Joined: Sep 24, 2013
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  • Posts: 173
February 7th, 2014 at 10:16:24 AM permalink
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife died.
If'n I'd a knowed you wanted to have went with me - I'd a seen that you got to get to go.
steeldco
steeldco
Joined: Nov 30, 2011
  • Threads: 52
  • Posts: 4914
February 7th, 2014 at 11:35:22 AM permalink
So there's this sperm....Herbie. Herbie the sperm. And he spent the entirety of his time working out. Doing jumping jacks....situps...lifting weights...running and all of the other sperm would continually ask Herbie why. Why are you working out so much? Herbie's reply? I'm getting myself fit. When that bell goes off and we shoot down the tube, I want to be first. I want to be first to that egg. "That egg is mine!" A bit of time goes by and bang....the bell goes off and they all head down the tube.......here's Herbie slowly taking the lead. He puts it into another gear and gets so far ahead that they can no longer see him....

Then, all of a sudden he's running back...running back and yelling "Go Back! Go Back".....waving his arms frantically yelling "It's only a blowjob......
DO NOT blindly accept what has been spoken. DO NOT blindly accept what has been written. Think. Assess. Lead. DO NOT blindly follow.
AxelWolf
AxelWolf
Joined: Oct 10, 2012
  • Threads: 146
  • Posts: 18246
February 7th, 2014 at 1:19:37 PM permalink
So this guy comes home from work and finds his girfriend throwing all of his stuff out on the street. He says, "Now baby what's going on here, I thought we were doing so good these days"

And she says ......"Don't try to sweet talk me I know all about you, I know the truth about you mr Mann youre a pedophile!!!!"

And then he says ........"Pedophile huh? That's a mighty big word for a ten-year-old"
♪♪Now you swear and kick and beg us That you're not a gamblin' man Then you find you're back in Vegas With a handle in your hand♪♪ Your black cards can make you money So you hide them when you're able In the land of casinos and money You must put them on the table♪♪ You go back Jack do it again roulette wheels turinin' 'round and 'round♪♪ You go back Jack do it again♪♪
rxwine
rxwine
Joined: Feb 28, 2010
  • Threads: 166
  • Posts: 9680
February 7th, 2014 at 1:42:24 PM permalink
What's worse than sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandma's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 11
Quasimodo? Does that name ring a bell?
Tomspur
Tomspur
Joined: Jul 12, 2013
  • Threads: 28
  • Posts: 2019
February 9th, 2014 at 11:08:21 PM permalink
I'm going to piss myself laughing on my chair in my office.....I need to hide my face.....WTF man!!! :D
“There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.” - Winston Churchill
kubikulann
kubikulann
Joined: Jun 28, 2011
  • Threads: 27
  • Posts: 905
February 10th, 2014 at 10:44:33 AM permalink
Great day for medical science and surgery: the first graft of a female neuron in a male brain!
Neuron wakes up, discovers her new environment. Weird... The place is empty, hollow. She calls out.
From far away down, she hears a response. Moves closer, leans over, calls again. Hears:
"Hey, whatcha doing up there alone? Come down here, we're all in the balls!"
Reperiet qui quaesiverit
tilt247
tilt247
Joined: Feb 11, 2014
  • Threads: 2
  • Posts: 37
February 11th, 2014 at 12:26:00 PM permalink
OMFG!!! Ok, gotta tell you this one. Pay attention

A guy goes into a bar and sees a jar of $20 bills near the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for. The bartender says he gives everyone (3) tasks after drinking a bottle of his finest tequilla, which of course you have to buy yourself.
So the guy who is intrigued, buys the bottle, takes a few shots and asks what the first task is.

The bartender says, "Ok, you see that 6'5 290 pound body builder at the door?
The guy responds, "Yes"
The bartender tells the guy, you have to take him outside and beat him up until he quits, but you can't take more than (3) minutes.
The guy tells the bartender that this is no issue as he is an amateur MMA fighter, takes a few more shots and beats the body builder down in less than (3) minutes.
After the scuffle, the guy asks about the next task.
The bartender says, "How are you with dogs? I have a pitbull farm out back and one of my bitch's has a bum tooth. Take these pliers, a few more shots and pull the tooth. Oh wait, I might as well tell you the 3rd task. My 87 year old Grandmother lives up stairs and has been dying for over 20 years. Her last request was to have the best orgasm of her life. So when you are done with the dog, go upstairs and see my grandmother.
The guy takes a few more shots, goes out to the pit bull farm, and for 20 minutes all you could here is howling, growling, fighting, yelling, screaming and crying.
The guy stumbles back in the bar all bloody with torn clothes, and asks the bartender, "Ok sir, where is the old bitch with the bum tooth?"
Wait, it's a long term advantage?

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