Adult jokes here:

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off *****. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

I'm not sure that that specific slang term for the orifice in question necessarily had to be used to get the point across, so I censored it out.

go eat a mcnugget...........lol

Oh, this thread again....goody! This airline joke is really, really awful and not politically correct, but often told by a captain friend. Fair warning, I hope.

So the airplane is at altitude, proceeding normally, when there's this sudden lurch and commotion on the right side. Gasps and screams, hurried belt-buckling, and a sense of barely controlled panic grows in the cabin as the plane tilts a bit sideways and downward. The captain comes on the PA: "Folks, I'm afraid we've been involved in a mid-air collision and are attempting a controlled descent. Flight attendants prepare the cabin for emergency landing."

More screams and shouts, and the start of prayers fill the air. As the flight attendants are struggling up the aisle with the drink cart, attempting to secure it, a man violently pulls open the bottom drawer, grabs several of the premium booze bottles, and starts chugging them. "Sir!" says the pretty black attendant, " Those are first class only!" "Go away, lady," the passenger snarls, "If I'm going to die, I'm going to be drunk on the best stuff when I go!"

The guy in the window seat next to him pulls out a cigar and lights up. "Sir!" she says, "Please! You can't smoke on this airplane!" "Lady," he says, "If I'm going to die, I'm going to enjoy this cigar before I go. Move on!"

She gives up on both and attempts to move ahead, but is suddenly pulled down onto the floor by the passenger behind the drunk. He's unzipped his trousers and is now grabbing up her skirt, trying to tear off hose and underwear. "Sir!" she screams, "What on EARTH are you doing!?" "Lady," he says, continuing to grope, "the only thing that ever survives these crashes is the little black box, and when we hit, I intend to be inside one."

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO.
She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”

Quote: beachbumbabs

Oh, this thread again....goody! This airline joke is really, really awful and not politically correct, but often told by a captain friend. Fair warning, I hope.

So the airplane is at altitude, proceeding normally, when there's this sudden lurch and commotion on the right side. Gasps and screams, hurried belt-buckling, and a sense of barely controlled panic grows in the cabin as the plane tilts a bit sideways and downward. The captain comes on the PA: "Folks, I'm afraid we've been involved in a mid-air collision and are attempting a controlled descent. Flight attendants prepare the cabin for emergency landing."

More screams and shouts, and the start of prayers fill the air. As the flight attendants are struggling up the aisle with the drink cart, attempting to secure it, a man violently pulls open the bottom drawer, grabs several of the premium booze bottles, and starts chugging them. "Sir!" says the pretty black attendant, " Those are first class only!" "Go away, lady," the passenger snarls, "If I'm going to die, I'm going to be drunk on the best stuff when I go!"

The guy in the window seat next to him pulls out a cigar and lights up. "Sir!" she says, "Please! You can't smoke on this airplane!" "Lady," he says, "If I'm going to die, I'm going to enjoy this cigar before I go. Move on!"

She gives up on both and attempts to move ahead, but is suddenly pulled down onto the floor by the passenger behind the drunk. He's unzipped his trousers and is now grabbing up her skirt, trying to tear off hose and underwear. "Sir!" she screams, "What on EARTH are you doing!?" "Lady," he says, continuing to grope, "the only thing that ever survives these crashes is the little black box, and when we hit, I intend to be inside one."

Wow. WOW.

If Febreeze is so good, why don't they make a feminine hygiene product?

An old woman and her husbands sex life has been dry, So she go's and buys herself some crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home and she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey lover ," she says, want to come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no woman look what it did to your panties!!!!"

Reasonable, I chuckled.

DO I dare show how old I am? It's a seventies joke.

Kissinger's wife asks a 'marriage counselor' (as they called it before "sex" was an acceptable word) how to bring her husband back to the thing instead of always being busy with his job. After advice, she makes some purchases, sexy underwear and such (don't imagine weird things, this is the seventies).
That night, she puts on the apparel, but he is busy reading some report in bed so doesn't even notice her.
She begins to undress slowly; still no reaction.
She is now in black bikini, no use.
She slowly takes one suspender off her shoulder and breast, moaning significantly.
At last! he turns his eyes on her, then suddenly: "Damn! I forgot to call Moshe Dayan!"

That's pretty funny, Kubi! Yes, I'm old enough to get it, especially given Kissinger's reputation as a ladies' man before marrying Nancy.

As a plane is taxiing in from the runway, the pilot finishes making the landing announcements and forgets to turn off the microphone:

Pilot: "Now if we can get this thing parked, I have GOT to take a s**t!"

Co-pilot: "Got any plans for the night? Wanna grab a beer or something?"

Pilot: "Going straight to the hotel with Julie."

Co-pilot: "The blonde attendant with the big t*ts?"

Pilot: "Yeah, we got together a couple of weeks ago and ended up spending the night together..... Had a couple layovers since..... She is FANTASTIC! We can hardly keep our hands off each other.... She does this thing...."

In the back of the plane, Julie the flight attendant realizes what is happening and starts RUNNING toward the front of the plane.

About half way up the aisle, she trips and lands flat on her face next to an elderly woman.

As she starts to pull her self up onto her knees, the old lady leans over and whispers (a little too loudly) into her ear:

"No need to rush, dear...." (lightly patting Julie's hand) "He's got to take a s**t first."

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct '98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

British: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Irish: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britiannia! The second largest ship in the British Atlantic fleet! We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North. I say again, that is 15 degrees North, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Irish: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

So there's this sperm....Herbie. Herbie the sperm. And he spent the entirety of his time working out. Doing jumping jacks....situps...lifting weights...running and all of the other sperm would continually ask Herbie why. Why are you working out so much? Herbie's reply? I'm getting myself fit. When that bell goes off and we shoot down the tube, I want to be first. I want to be first to that egg. "That egg is mine!" A bit of time goes by and bang....the bell goes off and they all head down the tube.......here's Herbie slowly taking the lead. He puts it into another gear and gets so far ahead that they can no longer see him....

Then, all of a sudden he's running back...running back and yelling "Go Back! Go Back".....waving his arms frantically yelling "It's only a blowjob......

So this guy comes home from work and finds his girfriend throwing all of his stuff out on the street. He says, "Now baby what's going on here, I thought we were doing so good these days"

And she says ......"Don't try to sweet talk me I know all about you, I know the truth about you mr Mann youre a pedophile!!!!"

And then he says ........"Pedophile huh? That's a mighty big word for a ten-year-old"

What's worse than sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandma's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 11

I'm going to piss myself laughing on my chair in my office.....I need to hide my face.....WTF man!!! :D

Great day for medical science and surgery: the first graft of a female neuron in a male brain!
Neuron wakes up, discovers her new environment. Weird... The place is empty, hollow. She calls out.
From far away down, she hears a response. Moves closer, leans over, calls again. Hears:
"Hey, whatcha doing up there alone? Come down here, we're all in the balls!"

OMFG!!! Ok, gotta tell you this one. Pay attention

A guy goes into a bar and sees a jar of $20 bills near the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar of cash is for. The bartender says he gives everyone (3) tasks after drinking a bottle of his finest tequilla, which of course you have to buy yourself.
So the guy who is intrigued, buys the bottle, takes a few shots and asks what the first task is.

The bartender says, "Ok, you see that 6'5 290 pound body builder at the door?
The guy responds, "Yes"
The bartender tells the guy, you have to take him outside and beat him up until he quits, but you can't take more than (3) minutes.
The guy tells the bartender that this is no issue as he is an amateur MMA fighter, takes a few more shots and beats the body builder down in less than (3) minutes.
After the scuffle, the guy asks about the next task.
The bartender says, "How are you with dogs? I have a pitbull farm out back and one of my bitch's has a bum tooth. Take these pliers, a few more shots and pull the tooth. Oh wait, I might as well tell you the 3rd task. My 87 year old Grandmother lives up stairs and has been dying for over 20 years. Her last request was to have the best orgasm of her life. So when you are done with the dog, go upstairs and see my grandmother.
The guy takes a few more shots, goes out to the pit bull farm, and for 20 minutes all you could here is howling, growling, fighting, yelling, screaming and crying.
The guy stumbles back in the bar all bloody with torn clothes, and asks the bartender, "Ok sir, where is the old bitch with the bum tooth?"

Two 75 year old men are playing gulf. One of them hits his ball into a water hazard. As he is looking for the ball he notices a frog. Too his amazement the frog talks to him. The frog tells him she's a beautiful princess that was cursed by a witch and must be kissed to turn her back. The frog then tells him if he kisses her she will be so grateful that she will sleep with him to thank him.

Well the man picks up the frog, zips it into his gulf bag and starts heading back to the club house. His friend who saw the whole thing, ask him if he will kiss the frog tonight. The golfer replies "at my age I'd rather have a talking frog".

A joke told by one of my regulars on the craps table...needless to say, it's a pretty sick joke, so I'll put it in spoilers.

Three old ladies were sitting on a bench in the park. As a man walks by, he turns, opens up his raincoat and exposes himself in all his glory to the old ladies.

The first old lady was so startled she had a stroke right there on the park bench.

The second lady, who was even older and more frail in her health than the first, had a stroke too.

The third lady was a little younger and a little more healthy then the other two, but even she almost had a stroke.

But, as luck would have it, something startled the man and he ran off before she could get her turn.

All three ladies are planning to meet in the park around the same time tomorrow.....

In an effort to try to direct this forum back to things relating to gambling, I will be closing some very non-gambling related threads, starting with this one.

I encourage you to resume this thread at diversitytomorrow.com.