married men who cheat

I met a 45 year old man who has been married 17 years....2 kids age 3, 10. Recovering alcoholic for 3 years. Says he got married for stability and also got married in the height of his alcoholism...and now in recovery is emotionally unfulfilled in marriage. He is a professonal man, smart funny but has pent up anger from family of origin. I met him through a friend and we immediately had fireworks chemistry. We knew it was a problem and said we'd only be friends. Idiotic i realize. I was pretty vulnerable after a very bad divorce, death of my mom, ill father. Bad excuse. This man and i very quickly got into a relationship that was emotional and sexual. Ive heard some responses but please dont tell me im a home wrecker and an immoral person. I have already beat myself up enough. My question is severalfold: he told me he was falling in love with me, asked me if i felt the same. And i did feel the same. We spent alot of time together and got very emotionally attached. He told me i am across the board perfect for him in all areas: looks, music, sex, recreational companionship, etc. He said it over and over. We continued to talk about the fact this was all problematic as he is married. He talked about leaving but has young kids. I told him to go and work it out with wife that we were already behind the eightball spiritially. I said the only way we could work out is if he left her for reasons other than me, that we already started dishonestly.

I tried to leave several times but i had never been with anyone who i was so attracted to in so many areas. He told me we were connected. And that i was the "the real deal" he said his wife is nice and the problems in their marriage were all him. I told him he needed to figure it out and tell her that he was unhappy. He seemed to be passively aggressively pushing her away to maybe force her to make the decision.... He told me she made sexual advances but he pushed her away and they hadnt had sex for 2 years. I also realize that is a very common statement that married men say but with the entire history i tend to believe that. Trying to make this concise but there is so much to it. He is not a sleaze or a jackass trying to just get laid. We were close and he said same. I think the intimacy we had freaked us both out. This whole relationship took me by surprise. But apparently he had been watching me for 6 months, attracted, but he never did anything about it until we were formally introduced.

The point is someone found out in our circle of friends. This woman who is not too happy and mentally unstable told everyone we had run off together. We hadnt. We kept trying to end it knowing all outcomes were bad. We'd all get hurt and his wife and kids did nothing to deserve any of it. This mentally unbalanced woman made a huge scene and even called the guy and told him she had called his AA sponsor. The sponsor intervened and told him to stop with me immediately, he did. Despite me telling him we needed to stop this sudden end blind sided me. Every time he and i tried to walk away we couldnt let go. So it was done for usby a woman who doesnt even know us well.

He has pretty much gone no contact. However we did meet once and had sex then we saw each other briefly and talked about all of this...then about 3 weeks ago we spoke on the phone for 2 hours and dissected the relationship. He told me he loved me but he didnt want his kids to go thru what he went thru as a child....step parents...he'd asked me over and over that if we did run off would i wake up and regret it....he asked me if i had wanted him to leave his wife...and on and on discussing what we had how he felt that we had a close intimate relationship and i was perfect for him.

So. Im hurting in a big way. He told me he is hurting too. And altho i wanted him to go back and work it thru with wife i also am very attached and i love him. It's cliche. It-s crap- and i know that this is very bad and hurtful.

The question finally. Is this someone who is just married and will always cheat since he did with me. ( and believe me i know i am just as complicit in this) am i an idiot and fell for a scam? He told me he had never cheated before. But he did say they did some "swinging" type sex early in their marriage. He said that if he had just had sex with someone random his wife wouldnt love it but she'd get over it but that what he and i have was close and intimate and she'd feel betrayed . (Of course she would). I wonder if this guy has a sexual issuebecuz of the swinging thing. I dont know much about that lifestyle as ive never done it but he said his wife did it only for him. Have i just been played and used or what? He will not respond to my texts at all. He told me when we talked 3 weeks ago that he is scared to see me because he wants to just be with me and run off. And he said i have a "potion" over him and he cant stay away. He said he and i did more then he and his wife....we like the same out doors stuff...going to cabin, shooting the glock, hiking etc.....and even when we talk we seem to quickly engage back in it and he said texting and talking and seeing me makes it worse.

Im crushed emotionally and miss him despite knowing he should try with wife. And now that he wont respond ( im sure his sponsor said no contact) i feel like a shit and like shit. Did he must use me and im stupid? Or can i trust that what i felt from him was intimate? And that he did love me. Why is it so easy for him to stay away....and ive beev divorced a long time, 6 years, i didnt just run to him as rebound. He has all the characteristics i want... Ive never cheated before and i feel both terrible but also angry and grieving myself.

Do all cheating husbands repeat this behavior? Could he have been lonely and unfulfilled and that was why he was drawn to me? It seems they lived a parallel life but i wonder what she would say....altho i saw him and he was hardly ever home. He could come over at 11pm if he wanted. But Is he no contact because he needs to get
His head back in his family or do i assume he has no regard for me? I am an intelligent woman who made a bad decision and altho i wish i would have had the strength to just be friends when we met i also knew we couldnt deny this huge connection . Is this just a typical married cheating scenario? How do i move on when im so crushed and how come it is so easy for nim to stay away when he couldnt stay away when i tried to walk away from him?

I apologize for length of post and please dont just tell me im a home wrecker. I already know what he and i have done. But my feelings are there and im heart broken and feeling like a jackass. I assume he is hurting too as that is what ne told me...but maybe i cant believe anything he told me...tnoughtnt Help? Advice? I wrote here because i like the straight forward and to the point, i telligent advice. Thanks....excuse typos im typing on a tablet which is a pain..

Men are scum and women are nuts.

Any person who is in a marriage and has sex with someone other than their spouse is doing precisely what they vowed they would not do. If you take those vows you'd better do everything on your side to make the marriage work - no excuses. He failed miserably and threw those vows in the garbage. You on the other hand acted like a fool and got intimately involved with a married man. Nothing more needs to be said about that than, "How did that turn out?".

Stay way from him and move on with your life. You both did something very stupid and you both deserve whatever you're feeling. Perhaps his kids will be lucky and he won't have to put them through what he "didn't want his kids to go thru... step parents". I guess he might have a better idea now of how it is that he went through that. Apple not fall far from tree grasshopper.

Men are scum and women are nuts.

He's proven his scummyness by doing what he did. You're proving your nutsyness by coming here, telling your story and thinking that someone's going to tell you that it will all turn out ok.

Advice. Grow up and move on. Oh yeah... DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

I think his sponsor was right. My advice would be the same to you -- no contact.

To your questions...

Did he use me? Yes, he did. And you used him.

Did he love me? Perhaps, in his own way.

Do all cheating husbands act this way? Pretty much.

How do I move on? Find an endeavor in which you aid others and involve yourself fully in that. A great way to expand your circle and perhaps meet someone else.

Seize the day.

Quote: midwestgb

Do all cheating husbands act this way? Pretty much.

If one must cheat, I think it is better to keep it strictly physical. No emotional entanglements.

He is married and wants to stay married.
Perhaps he wants to stay married for a variety of reasons: legal, financial, "the kids", prefers his wife, who knows, who cares. He wants to stay married.
He claims some sort of "perfect fit" with you.
You claim some sort of "fit" with him though it appears more attachment.

The only relationship, if any, available is that of mistress. So go for it....... or get lost.

Be his mistress. Sex, No marriage, no talk of marriage. No discussion about his wife, his kids,... just sex.

Take it or leave it. If you take it, shut your yap. If you leave it, shut your yap.

I have to agree with Flea on this on one. When Herman's Cain's alleged mistress came out I felt she was out of line, after he supported her for years.

After 14 years of marriage he sobers up, fathers a child, decides he's not happy and takes on a paramour. He's not thinking about his wife, his kids or you. You already know the character of this man and you already know the answer to your questions. The only thing left to do is end it. Today. Arrange a meeting in a public place, provide your own transportation and tell him in no uncertain terms that it's over. If you choose not to end it, copy Fleastiff's post and tape it to all your mirrors.

"Men are scum and women are nuts.

He's proven his scummyness by doing what he did. You're proving your nutsyness by coming here, telling your story and thinking that someone's going to tell you that it will all turn out ok."

Thanks for replies. You are right Nightfly...im a lunatic. I have no excuse for what i did and maybe i do deserve to feel this way. We have broken it off..i didnt come here asking to be told that it will turn out ok...im skeptical of online forums but ive been reading alot due to this situation and liked the honest and alot of times harsh but necessary comments here. What i really wanted is to hear that he is a jackass so i can de-romantacize this and stop caring and move on. . And i needed to hear that i need to grow up...i made a huge lapse in judgment and in that process got attached to someone and possibly fell in love. Im def an idiot. But when people are vulnerable these feelings and situations become powerful. I had emotional needs and so did he. Obviously the way we met those needs was not smart nor appropriate.

Im trying very hard to stay accountable and not justify. Its easy to judge but we all make mistakes, we dont think clearly and we react rather than respond. The fact im nuts and he is scum doesnt take away from the pain. And altho you feel we deserve the pain having support (not meaning what we did should be condoned but rather being allowed to talk about this)is needed. Im living in a new place and support system is nonexistent so i came to a forum.

I am trying to decide the next right thing...do i tell his wife or is doing that selfish rather than accountable. I think about my motives and wonder would i be telling her for vengence towards him? Or to somehow clean my side up? Im not angry at him. I did this with him. Im angry at myself. Does telling his wife just unnecessarily hurt her? I told him the best thing would be that he NOT get in another affair and not tell her...that would be how he makes amends to her...but is being honest and telling her the righg thing....now as i write this im realizing it is none of my business. I need to just stop and go away and take care of my own life that seems to have derailed in my personal pain.
I

Quote: belleepoque

now as i write this im realizing it is none of my business. I need to just stop and go away and take care of my own life that seems to have derailed in my personal pain.

Truer words were never spoken. Now act on them!