A Different Relationship Thread

I have to agree with SooPoo. Your ex is taking enormous
advantage of you because she knows she can. You made
an agreement and at the first opportunity she violates it.
My attitude would be, tough luck lady. You stay here or
I get custody. Thats it. I no longer am sympathetic to women,
their goal is to ignore what we want at every turn, to
hell with that. Do whats best for your son and you, screw her.

Boymimbo, you sound so much like my Pops it's downright spooky. I literally had this exact same conversation just minutes ago at my kitchen table.

Quote: boymimbo

You have a very mature attitude about this, but I don't want to sell yourself short either. You've seemed to somehow accept that the son living with the mother is the better option. Why?????? Because the mother can emotionally accept it? You've gotta look at what's best for the child. PERIOD.

Thanks. It’s nice to hear that, especially given my rock-star-party past. I haven’t always made the best decisions, but when I do, it’s because of kid /worldsmostinterestingman.jpeg =)

The “accepting” her taking him is mostly because I’ve sort of trained myself to think slow and deep, probably to counter my compulsive nature. What she proposed (her taking him) is one option, the first I was given, so that’s what I focused on. Pro’s, con’s, blah-blah-blah. I can accept that, I think it’s in the best interest to be able to accept that because it could happen. That does not mean I will just let it happen if I think there’s a better option. I’m young and sort of wild. I have a lot of time, a lot of energy, and the support of all my family (and indeed some of hers). If it comes to a fight, I can go as hard and as long as needed. And I will. “War to end all wars” wasn’t some stupid threat lol. For my kid, I’d fight for the rest of my life twice.

All the rest of what you posted about this being her choice and she should be the one to figure it out and all the rest, seriously, if my old man wasn’t so computer illiterate I’d swear you were him.

Part of my concern for her is just the way I am. Some would call it “being a sucker”, and I suppose we’ll just roll with that for now. I often put myself out there and rely on people’s good nature and their word to carry the day. Very much a “handshake guy” as opposed to “legal contract guy”. My memories of her was as Super Mom, and if she says it’ll all work out, my nature and memory of who she used to be leads me to believe that (or at least want to believe it) But as Pops pointed out, that’s already burned me, and just within the 18 months we’ve been apart and with my boy just in Syracuse. She was supposed to pay health insurance, but she pissed her job away so now I do. I pay her $250 a week, yet when he needs clothes, she comes at me for more. Pops bashed me over the head with this over and over again, of course, trying to open my eyes. He did a damn good job.

But all of that is sort of inconsequential. I mean, that fucks me over, whatever. I’m not the issue, my kid is. And if she somehow got destroyed to the point she was jobless and homeless (a possibility in this mess), I’d probably break myself to try to keep her afloat, too. Not because it’s fair or because I even like her and certainly not because she deserves it, but just because that’s my son’s mother. If helping her helps him, then that’s what’s going to happen. What can I say… some people are just born a sucker.

Concerning his ability to find a job in the area, I’m starting to think that’s a non-issue. Past comments to family are coming out of the woodwork and some Facebook investigation is pointing more and more to this being a conscious decision as opposed to a forced work issue. The more I hear, the more it fits, and I wish I could say I was surprised. I don’t care one way or the other because the problem’s the same, but do you think that will affect a court decision? Does it weigh differently if it was a choice rather than forced?

I’m trying to remain unbiased (maybe unemotional is a better word) and trying to look at this from an objective standpoint (what is best for my son) as opposed to emotional (how will I feel). But I can usually sort through bullshit pretty fast, and I feel that ball already rolling towards a fight. Bullshit aside, it seems very simple. Florida = uncertainty, distance, no family support, mom with no job, all resting on a “new” relationship with a chronic womanizer. New York = stable house, stable employment, all immediate and extended family within 20 min max, and a Dad who makes the SON the priority. Seems kind of obvious once you put it “on paper”.
Boymimbo, thanks again. Between you and SOOPOO, an enhanced license leading to beer on me plus tiles at Fallsview is on my to do list =)

Quote: SOOPOO

Ok... here goes.... I feel mean saying this , but this is a no-brainer for me. I politely tell my ex... "Honey, we put that 300 mile thing in our agreement so we would both have a reasonable opportunity to be in our son's life. Surely you must have told the guy you were thinking about marrying about it! If he really cares about you and your son, he will understand that you cannot go with him. If he cares enough about you he will figure out a way to stay. But under no circumstances will my son be moved thousands of miles from me, his loving father. I hope you two can work it out."

Can't argue with this.

I can also see things potentially becoming terribly bitter. I'd like to suppose it would all be seen as reasonable, but I know better than to predict that.

Good luck, is all I can say.

Quote: SOOPOO

Ok... here goes.... I feel mean saying this , but this is a no-brainer for me. I politely tell my ex... "Honey, we put that 300 mile thing in our agreement so we would both have a reasonable opportunity to be in our son's life. Surely you must have told the guy you were thinking about marrying about it! If he really cares about you and your son, he will understand that you cannot go with him. If he cares enough about you he will figure out a way to stay. But under no circumstances will my son be moved thousands of miles from me, his loving father. I hope you two can work it out."
You can always offer her the option of moving and your son staying with you, granting her liberal visitation opportunities. If you believe that him living with you is not a real feasible option, due to your job, lifestyle, etc... then don't ask for what you really don't want. If you are prepared to be the sole custodial parent, then, just enforce the 300 mile deal you agreed to.
I think, ESPECIALLY since you don't like the guy, that standing your ground is the only option.....

Don’t worry about “mean” or “harsh”. Even if you’re critical of me, I’d rather hear it than miss advice. I can take it, and would prefer to hear it rather than you censoring it.

My lifestyle has little to nothing to do with it. My work schedule kind of sucks, but as I’ve said, I’ve got family all over just minutes away for childcare, family he already stays with often and loves going to see. The rest of my “lifestyle” are lazy days at the pond / crick, yard work and house maintenance, and hockey. Other than hockey, he does everything with me. I am and have been prepared to be the custodial parent. I’d welcome it. I want it.

As I just said to boymimbo, I think it’s time to fight for it.

Quote: Face

Bullshit aside, it seems very simple. Florida = uncertainty, distance, no family support, mom with no job, all resting on a “new” relationship with a chronic womanizer. New York = stable house, stable employment, all immediate and extended family within 20 min max, and a Dad who makes the SON the priority.

Now you're making sense, see my other post. FL?
Thats for old people and those who like summer
indoors.

Quote: odiousgambit

Busy in my own personal life, just now catching up, Face.

Hang in there, we are rooting for you.

Thanks, OG =)

Quote: 1BB

There are two sides to every story. I wish we could what your ex has to say. Best of luck, Face.

There sure are, and I'm sure it'd be quite different than what you're hearing from me.

All I can say is that I'm here for advice, and as such, it's in my best interest to give everything as straight up and truthful as possible, lest the advice not directly apply.

Thanks for the luck =)

Actually I'm lost in the details and a bit confused and annoyed by references to "wife" when it should be "former wife".

It seems that there is some agreement in force and that its a largely voluntary move beyond its geographical limits and yet the response is "roll over, do nothing and get nothing in return".

Given the costs of interstate enforcement of compacts its a protracted battle to see any existing agreement enforced anyway. I think you should choose your battles anyway and the battle should be over the quality of the time not its amount or geography.

I think there are fishing holes just about anywhere ... so I don't see what is so limiting about upstate NY except that is where you grew up. I think in Tampa they fish from boats, I'm not sure. If you don't like Tampa's climate or economy, don't go there.

Bonds with kids should be emotional not geographic, legal or financial.

Quote: Face

As I just said to boymimbo, I think it’s time to fight for it.

I have no experience with these issues, but based on the facts as presented, I have to agree with the majority of the advice already given. Good luck working it out for the best for your kid!

Quote: FleaStiff

Actually I'm lost in the details and a bit confused and annoyed by references to "wife" when it should be "former wife".

It seems that there is some agreement in force and that its a largely voluntary move beyond its geographical limits and yet the response is "roll over, do nothing and get nothing in return".

Given the costs of interstate enforcement of compacts its a protracted battle to see any existing agreement enforced anyway. I think you should choose your battles anyway and the battle should be over the quality of the time not its amount or geography.

I think there are fishing holes just about anywhere ... so I don't see what is so limiting about upstate NY except that is where you grew up. I think in Tampa they fish from boats, I'm not sure. If you don't like Tampa's climate or economy, don't go there.

Bonds with kids should be emotional not geographic, legal or financial.

I completely agreed with your last offering. "Serving time", that's a very good way of putting what I should strive to avoid. But I'm starting to see time as less of a concern. I mean, either way you slice it, no matter who wins, time is not going to be perfect. With no fix to that, I'm starting to look at what environment would be best for him.

NY is "limiting" not only because I'm from here, but everything is from here. All his aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, his entire family on both sides. They are our childcare, all free, all who care for him like family. Anything I or he needs, boom, it's there in 15 minutes. My stable job, my established home, my "son comes first" mentality, our support system, that's all in NY. In Fla, he'd be going into a new home with a jobless mother with the nearest family (one sister) 200 miles away in Jacksonville, on the hopes that a relatively new relationship will work out and his mom will find a job and could somehow afford childcare on top of sending him home 10 times a year. And on top of that, hoping that she'll put my son first and maintain the visitation / payment agreement, which she already couldn't do just living in Syracuse.

God, it's so obvious! Thanks, guys. I guess I just needed to argue, bounce ideas, type it out. I'm almost embarassed I had to ask for all this advice when the answer is as plain as day.

Edit: Thanks to you also, Aces =)

Quote: Face

I'm almost embarassed I had to ask for all this advice when the answer is as plain as day.

It wasn't obvious at all. Because your emotions are
involved, nothing is ever obvious.

Quote: EvenBob

It wasn't obvious at all. Because your emotions are
involved, nothing is ever obvious.

Well, yeah. But for you guys outside looking in, it was probably "duh, what's the problem?"

In any case, as usual and yet again, you have all been a big help.

Yes, the "support network" is in NY. True. Emergency babysitters, social visitors, people who will pop in and do the dishes .... all nice to have nearby though alot of people survive separation, particularly in the days of the internet and skype and stuff.

I'm not saying do away with it whimsically.

Quote: 1BB

There are two sides to every story. I wish we could what your ex has to say. Best of luck, Face.

I agree that there are two sides to every story. His side is she's moving to Florida, her side is she's moving to Florida, so I say, "Screw her." I don't know who this person she's married to now is, and he might be swell, but there's only one Face, so she should put the child first.

Good luck to you, Face.