JoelDeze
JoelDeze
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ChuckleberryZugaBlueEagle
March 28th, 2017 at 8:11:53 AM permalink
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
5. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
6. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
7. A backward poet writes inverse.
8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
9. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive".
10. No pun in ten did.
“It’s a dog eat dog world out there and I’m wearing milkbone underwear .” – Norm Peterson
JohnnyQ
JohnnyQ
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Joined: Nov 3, 2009
March 28th, 2017 at 8:17:35 AM permalink
There are many that say the invention of the tire caused a revolution in our country, but I believe it was the invention of the broom that really swept the nation.
There's emptiness behind their eyes There's dust in all their hearts They just want to steal us all and take us all apart
MrV
MrV
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Joined: Feb 13, 2010
March 28th, 2017 at 8:52:03 AM permalink
Confucius say: "Many man swallow, but Fu Manchu."
"What, me worry?"
Wizard
Administrator
Wizard
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Joined: Oct 14, 2009
March 28th, 2017 at 10:58:27 AM permalink
Quote: JoelDeze

8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



Thanks for some good groans. Your #8 reminds of of this one:

11. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow." -- Ecclesiastes 1:18 (NIV)
PlayYourCardsRight
PlayYourCardsRight
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Joined: Dec 29, 2011
March 28th, 2017 at 11:26:23 AM permalink
If a parsley salesman fails to pay his bills, they garnish his wages.
Deucekies
Deucekies
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Joined: Jan 20, 2014
March 28th, 2017 at 11:36:50 AM permalink
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, the friars did so - thereby proving once and for all...

Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Casinos are not your friends, they want your money. But so does Disneyland. And there is no chance in hell that you will go to Disneyland and come back with more money than you went with. - AxelWolf and Mickeycrimm
MrV
MrV
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March 28th, 2017 at 3:46:08 PM permalink
An aged Communist couple are viewing the Russian tundra.

"It looks like rain," says Rudolph.

"Nyet, it will snow," answers Natasha.

"You are wrong; Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Last edited by: MrV on Mar 28, 2017
"What, me worry?"
Wizard
Administrator
Wizard
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JohnnyQ
March 28th, 2017 at 4:36:44 PM permalink
What do you call chess enthusiasts bragging in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow." -- Ecclesiastes 1:18 (NIV)
Doc
Doc
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March 28th, 2017 at 8:06:29 PM permalink
Well, have you all heard about the dehydrated Frenchman, Pierre?
Ibeatyouraces
Ibeatyouraces
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March 28th, 2017 at 8:40:32 PM permalink
Quote: MrV

Confucius say: "Many man swallow, but Fu Manchu."


Confucius say: "Girl who ride bike all day, peddle ass."
DUHHIIIIIIIII HEARD THAT!
Wizard
Administrator
Wizard
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March 29th, 2017 at 6:41:31 AM permalink
Yesterday a clown opened the door for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.
"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow." -- Ecclesiastes 1:18 (NIV)
MrV
MrV
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Joined: Feb 13, 2010
March 29th, 2017 at 9:51:59 AM permalink
Confucius say: "Man who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand."
"What, me worry?"
Melco
Melco
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Joined: Feb 16, 2015
March 29th, 2017 at 10:26:55 AM permalink
A good farmer is out-standing in his field.
Hunterhill
Hunterhill
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Joined: Aug 1, 2011
March 29th, 2017 at 10:56:24 AM permalink
Confucius say: " He who fart in church, sit in own pew".
The mountain is tall but grass grows on top of the mountain.
Melco
Melco
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Joined: Feb 16, 2015
March 29th, 2017 at 11:25:08 AM permalink
The Russian meteorologist Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
SOOPOO
SOOPOO
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Joined: Aug 8, 2010
March 29th, 2017 at 1:16:28 PM permalink
What did the alcoholic say to the neurosurgeon?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.....
Deucekies
Deucekies
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Joined: Jan 20, 2014
March 29th, 2017 at 1:16:36 PM permalink
Quote: Melco

The Russian meteorologist Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.



Quote: MrV

An aged Communist couple are viewing the Russian tundra.

"It looks like rain," says Rudolph.

"Nyet, it will snow," answers Natasha.

"You are wrong; Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Casinos are not your friends, they want your money. But so does Disneyland. And there is no chance in hell that you will go to Disneyland and come back with more money than you went with. - AxelWolf and Mickeycrimm
Melco
Melco
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Joined: Feb 16, 2015
March 30th, 2017 at 8:00:12 AM permalink
Ah - somehow I missed MrV's post. My apologies.
beachbumbabs
beachbumbabs
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Joined: May 21, 2013
March 30th, 2017 at 9:45:51 AM permalink
Two fleas went to the corner bar and proceeded to get schnockered They weren't just drunk; they were loud, obnoxious, and mean, hollering at the waitress, throwing their glasses on the floor, banging into others around them.

Two grasshoppers looked on in disgust. Finally, one said to the other, "Just as I told you. Chiggers can't be boozers."
If the House lost every hand, they wouldn't deal the game.
JoelDeze
JoelDeze
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Joined: Apr 20, 2016
March 31st, 2017 at 7:03:59 AM permalink
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
“It’s a dog eat dog world out there and I’m wearing milkbone underwear .” – Norm Peterson
MidwestAP
MidwestAP
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March 31st, 2017 at 7:21:06 AM permalink
Three strings walk into a bar. The first one goes up to the bar and asks for three beers for him and his friends. The bartender points to a sign that reads "No Strings Allowed". The second string, thinking he can do better, tries it as well, but alas, no beer. The third string twists himself all up, messes up his ends and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender replies, "I already told your two friends here that we don't serve strings, you are a sting aren't you?" To which the third string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
BlueEagle
BlueEagle
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Joined: Jun 7, 2015
March 31st, 2017 at 7:10:44 PM permalink
Quote: JoelDeze

10. No pun in ten did.



There was a man who entered a pun contest.

He submitted ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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