Is it a good or bad idea to let a 15 year old visit her mom in jail?

Was searching for off topic/jail forums to ask for impartial opinions and this is one that came up


my wife just went to county jail for eight months for a money crime. . I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her in jail. My daughter seems to be enthusiastic about visiting her mom when she is in jail.

I am wondering what is the best way of preparing for a visit. Daughter seems to be taking her mother being away for a while fine and she does seem a little excited. I wonder why. She even poked some fun at her mom that "she is getting ordered around now" in a clear joking way. My wife was self deprecating about it and didn't mind.

my daughter seems to want to ask her mom some things about what it is like inside jail. I told her what kind of questions and she wrote them down and gave me a list

how's the food what are the other prisoners like are you able to sleep at night, or is it noisy what do you do to keep from getting bored how are the guards are you able to do jobs like in the kitchen or laundry Does she have a cell all to herself or does she have to share? If she has to share, how is that going? Does she get along with her cellmate? does she have to change and shower with other people? what's the funniest thing you've seen since you got there

are these questions OK or are too personal? Is it OK for a 15 year old to know such things? Should I maybe steer the conversation away from such matters?

also another thing I wonder, Should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail and try not to talk to others really? Just as a way of maybe keeping her out of any potential trouble

Main problems I have have is

She will see her mom in jail clothes

She will see other inmates

She will see guards that could be intimidating

Is that ok for her to see?

I am all for off topic discussions but you would be much better off asking these questions on an inmate family support forum.

But to answer, you should already be aware that 15 year old is old enough to know what's going on. No problem with visiting.

I would take her but not allow those questions. That being said why are you posting such a personal account on a gambling forum? Did she go to jail for embezzlement due to a gambling problem?

Tough question.

I'm against the idea of shielding children from the unpleasant realities of life. I mean, how else are they supposed to be prepared when they go out into the real world?

Frankly, a visit to a jail might help an child stay on the right side of the law.

But the comment about poking fun and "she is getting ordered around" has me concerned. Is your daughter gloating or otherwise making fun of mom's situation? In that case, a visit might not be a good idea. On the other hand, remind her that "Bossy mom is coming home in X months, and she'll remember this visit" might help to curb her enthusiasm.

Also, some of those questions make it sound like she's thinking the jailtime is something of an adventure.

Is your wife in a minimum security, country club type of prison? If so, a visit might confirm that it's just a fun adventure in her mind.

Quote: GWAE

you would be much better off asking these questions on an inmate family support forum.

Ditto.

Let your daughter see her. The truth is usually the best option.

I would bring her up. She needs to see it is not an adventure if that is in her mind.

Most of her questions were legit thoughts. I do find it hilarious she asked whether mom has her own cell phone or has to share. Perhaps she doesn't realize that prisoners aren't allowed cell phones at all and must make calls from monitored public telephones (which must go through an operator with a request for the recipient to accept all charges). It's a shame that todays teenagers don't even know public telephones ever existed.

Also, as I was in a similar situation once (on the visitation side, not the inmate side), one joke is that it takes a lot more work for the innocent civilians to get into jail than the guilty criminals. The process for going through multiple layers of inspection, searches, organization, metal detectors, and the wait times for your inmate to be summoned are usually several hours. I suspect after the first time she goes through it she will not be too anxious to repeat the grueling requirements.

Of course, I am speaking of only the places I visited, perhaps your wife's prison is more minimal security but I am sure they will still have their requirements that make going through the airport security look like a vacation :)

Quote: darkoz

It's a shame that todays teenagers don't even know public telephones ever existed.

Why? (as if they were a good thing). I wish we had cell phones when I was a kid.

Skip to 1:47

Quote: darkoz

I do find it hilarious she asked whether mom has her own cell phone or has to share. Perhaps she doesn't realize that prisoners aren't allowed cell phones at all and must make calls from monitored public telephones (which must go through an operator with a request for the recipient to accept all charges). It's a shame that todays teenagers don't even know public telephones ever existed.

I laughed when I realized your interpretation was cell phone not jail cell.

Quote: miplet

I laughed when I realized your interpretation was cell phone not jail cell.

Wow, I had to laugh just now too. I think you are right.

I've gotten used to my cell phone too much methinks, as well.

Quote: I1924

also another thing I wonder, Should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail and try not to talk to others really? Just as a way of maybe keeping her out of any potential trouble

I used to have a pen pal in prison. I asked him the question about keeping your head down and not talking to people, and he said that can be just as bad as going around running your mouth. If you just keep to yourself and not talk to anyone, then people (other inmates) will get suspicious and think you're up to something, and they won't trust you and may even try to start s**t. He said to just talk to people like you normally would; be respectful, don't be an ass, etc.

Then again, this guy was doing years of time in a federal prison. If you're just doing a few months in a county jail, the "inmate culture" might be a little looser.

Quote: DJTeddyBear

Tough question.

I'm against the idea of shielding children from the unpleasant realities of life. I mean, how else are they supposed to be prepared when they go out into the real world?

Frankly, a visit to a jail might help an child stay on the right side of the law.

But the comment about poking fun and "she is getting ordered around" has me concerned. Is your daughter gloating or otherwise making fun of mom's situation? In that case, a visit might not be a good idea. On the other hand, remind her that "Bossy mom is coming home in X months, and she'll remember this visit" might help to curb her enthusiasm.

Also, some of those questions make it sound like she's thinking the jailtime is something of an adventure.

Is your wife in a minimum security, country club type of prison? If so, a visit might confirm that it's just a fun adventure in her mind.



Ditto.

A county jail. Based on what I see it is not a country club type place since it is meant for sentenced less than a year

Please don't send Private Measages for follow-up questions. PMs are intended for private / confidential inquiries, or discussions that nobody else would be interested in.

Clearly, anyone who has read this thread so far would be interested in, and may even be able to offer answers, to your questions.

While I'll protect the private nature of your message by not repeating it, I believe all your new questions have already been answered by me in my earlier post.

This just got even stranger.

I find it VERY odd someone is asking parenting advice on a gambling forum, especially considering the nature of the situation.

The answers seem so obvious given a "normal home" and normal teenager and I'm not even a parent. Yet this person has been one for 15 years.

There's no way anyone here should be able to give the best answers to your situation because we don't know your daughter or how something might affect her since everyone is different.

The fact you yourself doesn't see how unconventional this is makes me wonder if you're capable of properly parenting a teenager by yourself, especially at 15 that's one of the most important ages for shaping their future. It's also an age where teens start wanting to do more adventurous and experimenting.

I fear that you might find yourself with a troubled teenager and it's more likely given the circumstances (9 months when you are 15 is like 2 adult years).

I suggest talking to her grandparents, responsible family members and a counselor. The school may even have a counselor. I'm not really too confident in school counselors but it's probably better than a gambling forum. NVM it's summer time. It's the worst time for this to happen, especially if you work full time and there's no supervision.

GET REAL HELP AND ADVICE.

This is getting pretty shilly.

Why in the world would the op send a pm. This is all so completely strange - never even acknowledged some of the questions asked

Quote: I1924

Was searching for off topic/jail forums to ask for impartial opinions and this is one that came up


my wife just went to county jail for eight months for a money crime. . I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her in jail. My daughter seems to be enthusiastic about visiting her mom when she is in jail.

I am wondering what is the best way of preparing for a visit. Daughter seems to be taking her mother being away for a while fine and she does seem a little excited. I wonder why. She even poked some fun at her mom that "she is getting ordered around now" in a clear joking way. My wife was self deprecating about it and didn't mind.

my daughter seems to want to ask her mom some things about what it is like inside jail. I told her what kind of questions and she wrote them down and gave me a list

how's the food what are the other prisoners like are you able to sleep at night, or is it noisy what do you do to keep from getting bored how are the guards are you able to do jobs like in the kitchen or laundry Does she have a cell all to herself or does she have to share? If she has to share, how is that going? Does she get along with her cellmate? does she have to change and shower with other people? what's the funniest thing you've seen since you got there

are these questions OK or are too personal? Is it OK for a 15 year old to know such things? Should I maybe steer the conversation away from such matters?

also another thing I wonder, Should I tell my wife to keep quiet in jail and try not to talk to others really? Just as a way of maybe keeping her out of any potential trouble

Main problems I have have is

She will see her mom in jail clothes

She will see other inmates

She will see guards that could be intimidating

Is that ok for her to see?

Perhaps you should refer back to City-Data.com, since you asked the same question there three years ago:

Quote: Same question posted on a different board three years ago

My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old is going to jail for six months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did . I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her and have her still be involved with her child because she was never an absent or abusive parent or anything. Some might say sticking by her is being enabling but I just cannot agree

Here is how I am dealing with the situation. I told my daughter right away that her mom got in trouble with the law and now is going to jail for six months. She made some bad decisions and is serving her punishment now.

Her mother is also being honest with her and explaining exactly what will happen. Main intent is not to treat my daughter like a baby in this situation, also make it clear that we will continue living life normally while she is away. I heard this comment "when a family member goes to jail it feels like the whole family is in jail". I am not following that at all


I was thinking of allowing my daughter to visit her. But I am not sure if I should because I don't think my daughter to be exposed to a prison environment. It is nothing to do with the mother is solely the environment. Also I hear it is a hassle to get in and you don't even get much time to speak. Seeing her mom there might be a bad image

My daughter seems to be taking it fine , she said it is kind of cool that her mother is locked up and is now the one being ordered around by others. This is weird because she never had a bad relationship with her mother. I asked what she meant and she said she was just joking. I think that is OK to try to crack a joke to make the situation feel less bad and that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about it.



some say you should not tell her and make up some story to explain her absence. Others say it is best to tell her and involve her from the beginning. Which is right?


also I am wondering if visits would be appropriate when she goes. I was thinking of allowing my daughter to visit her. But I am not sure if I should because my daughter beeing in a prison could be scary or traumatizing. It is nothing to do with the mother is solely the environment. Also I hear it is a hassle to get in and you don't even get much time to speak. Seeing her mom there might be a bad image. Also seeing other inmates behind glass and even police officers could be intimidating to a 14 year old.

what other things should be done to prepare. Obviously everyone needs to prepare , my wife must prepare to actually be going there while me and my daughter must prepare how we are going to live and how things are done during her absence. What is a good way to do this? Luckily there is still time to prepare. She hasn't gone yet. My wife has been saying bring her if she wants to but don't if she doesn't


I have heard though that seeing someone you know in jail makes you more likely to commit a crime. Is this true?
Last edited by 1924; 12-24-2013 at 10:31 PM..

Well, THAT'S interesting.

Almost as interesting as a daughter that ages only 1 year in 29.5 months....

And with that, IMO Ayecarumba wins the internet, and the stuffed giraffe.

Seemed fishy even before ayecarumba proved it/ the name even was fishy

It might have been a fishy question but it does raise an interesting topic of when children should be introduced to various grown up situations.

One problem can be having young children running around at a funeral. I have been to a couple of funerals recently. One had lots of kids and the other, essentially, people over 18.

I think whether a teenager goes to a funeral (or visits jail) really depends on how mature they are and the closeness of the person. I can't comment on prison, but a cremation seems slightly easier to take than a burial.

Quote: Ayecarumba

Perhaps you should refer back to City-Data.com, since you asked the same question there three years ago:

Good work, detective!