Nareed's Laws of Traffic (Universal Edition)
July 28th, 2010 at 8:00:56 AM
permalink
1) The most congested route is the one you're on.
2) The slowest form of transportation is the one you're on. There are occasional exceptions when traveling on foot.
3) During holidays and other well-known high traffic periods, if you leave earlier to beat the traffic everyone else will have the same idea.
4) Traffic will find you wherever you go.
5) In most large cities (ie LA, Mex City, London, etc) you can travel between any two distant points in approximately 60 minutes. If you wish to be on time, you will leave at least 90 minutes before your appointment. For life or death situations, or tight deadlines, leave 120 minutes before the deadline.
6) Relax and try to keep your cool. Anger won't make traffic flow faster, neither will your car's horn.
7) The probability of finding light traffic along your route at normal times is inversely proportional to the cube of your urgency to get there. Sufficient urgency can cause traffic jams at 3 am.
2) The slowest form of transportation is the one you're on. There are occasional exceptions when traveling on foot.
3) During holidays and other well-known high traffic periods, if you leave earlier to beat the traffic everyone else will have the same idea.
4) Traffic will find you wherever you go.
5) In most large cities (ie LA, Mex City, London, etc) you can travel between any two distant points in approximately 60 minutes. If you wish to be on time, you will leave at least 90 minutes before your appointment. For life or death situations, or tight deadlines, leave 120 minutes before the deadline.
6) Relax and try to keep your cool. Anger won't make traffic flow faster, neither will your car's horn.
7) The probability of finding light traffic along your route at normal times is inversely proportional to the cube of your urgency to get there. Sufficient urgency can cause traffic jams at 3 am.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
July 28th, 2010 at 8:16:00 AM
permalink
8) On any street at any intersection where you're stopped waiting for a light in LV, if you look at the drivers in front, on the sides, and behind you plus in all diagonal directions, there's a very high probability you'll see two Asians driving cars they can't afford, a white trash driver in an old uninsured pickup, a yuppie or two in new cars with big payments, some punk in a loud piece of junk Honda, and a drunken gambler in a Mercedes.
July 28th, 2010 at 9:50:11 AM
permalink
8) You will always find parking near your destination after you've parked three or more blocks away. Exception for pay parking lots/garages.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
July 28th, 2010 at 11:05:31 AM
permalink
9) You won't hear a traffic report on the radio until immediately after you're irrevocably committed to the route which is hopelessly congested. The traffic report will tell you that you should've taken a different route.
July 28th, 2010 at 11:32:31 AM
permalink
10) If you hear a traffic report in time to make a decision, the information will be incorrect or outdated causing you to make the wrong decision.
I invented a few casino games. Info:
http://www.DaveMillerGaming.com/ —————————————————————————————————————
Superstitions are silly, childish, irrational rituals, born out of fear of the unknown. But how much does it cost to knock on wood? 😁
July 28th, 2010 at 11:40:37 AM
permalink
11) An undetermined portion of all traffic reports are made up by reporters away from the area being reported.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
July 28th, 2010 at 11:43:01 AM
permalink
12) The most effective way for a control entity to reduce traffic jams would be to lie to the drivers.
July 28th, 2010 at 12:09:27 PM
permalink
13) You will curse all the "lookyloo" gawkers jamming traffic... but will slow to make sure you don't miss anything when it is finally your turn to pass.
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication - Leonardo da Vinci
July 28th, 2010 at 1:50:44 PM
permalink
Well, YEAH!Quote: Ayecarumba13) You will curse all the "lookyloo" gawkers jamming traffic... but will slow to make sure you don't miss anything when it is finally your turn to pass.
If I've paid the price, I want the reward!
I invented a few casino games. Info:
http://www.DaveMillerGaming.com/ —————————————————————————————————————
Superstitions are silly, childish, irrational rituals, born out of fear of the unknown. But how much does it cost to knock on wood? 😁
July 28th, 2010 at 2:27:14 PM
permalink
14) Stories of bad traffic jams, or the occasional no-traffic trips, work best when told to people familiar with the city it happened in. When told to people unfamiliar with the area, they usually fall flat.
15) The more agressively a driver is passing you on a freeway (ie tailgating, hinking, etc to get you to move aside), the higher his odds of stopping at the very next opportunity. Odds quintuple in two-lane roads.
15) The more agressively a driver is passing you on a freeway (ie tailgating, hinking, etc to get you to move aside), the higher his odds of stopping at the very next opportunity. Odds quintuple in two-lane roads.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
July 28th, 2010 at 3:10:26 PM
permalink
Special laws for the city of Pittsburgh and surrounding area:
1) Yes, the road is under construction. How long? Probably as long as you live. And for some time after that.
2) Yeah, that pothole sucked. How long will it be before the city and/or PennDOT fixes it? Probably as long as you live. And for some time after that.
3) Don't rely on your GPS to get you anywhere in the city. It WILL tell you to drive down a flight of stairs with a street name, guaranteed.
4) No matter how long someone has lived in the city, they will insist on slowing to a crawl EVERY single time they enter the Fort Pitt Tunnel, slowing everyone else behind them to a crawl too. Who knows? There might be a scary monster in there this time.
5) If you see an empty parking space around the city filled with a folding chair and nothing else, take it at your own peril.
6) Before attempting to drive anywhere, do some Zen exercises, take a deep breath, and take it all in stride.
Happy driving and come visit us sometime!
1) Yes, the road is under construction. How long? Probably as long as you live. And for some time after that.
2) Yeah, that pothole sucked. How long will it be before the city and/or PennDOT fixes it? Probably as long as you live. And for some time after that.
3) Don't rely on your GPS to get you anywhere in the city. It WILL tell you to drive down a flight of stairs with a street name, guaranteed.
4) No matter how long someone has lived in the city, they will insist on slowing to a crawl EVERY single time they enter the Fort Pitt Tunnel, slowing everyone else behind them to a crawl too. Who knows? There might be a scary monster in there this time.
5) If you see an empty parking space around the city filled with a folding chair and nothing else, take it at your own peril.
6) Before attempting to drive anywhere, do some Zen exercises, take a deep breath, and take it all in stride.
Happy driving and come visit us sometime!
"I believe I've passed the age/of consciousness and righteous rage/I've found that just surviving was a noble fight...
I once believed in causes too/I had my pointless point of view/And life went on no matter who was wrong or right..." --Billy Joel
July 28th, 2010 at 3:43:35 PM
permalink
Quote: OneAngryDwarfSpecial laws for the city of Pittsburgh and surrounding area:
I'll see your Pittsburgh and raise you Mexico City:
1) When any "independent" group (ie any group favored by the party in power, or who intimidates the party in power, or who is against the federal government) wants to close streets without warning for a protest, including major avenues and freeways, they'll get a police escort. Also the police will close additional streets in the surrounding area the better to coagulate all traffic.
Addendum: any group that does not meet the above requirements will be either a) driven off the streets by police and/or b) be branded as dangerous elitist whiners.
2) When the Mayor of Mexico City wants to close off a mayor avenue for a) a popular spectacles (such as a fair, concert, etc), or b) a populist spectacle (like the weekly bike rides on Sundays), He may do so without more than cursory notice when He feels like it.
On an unrelated note, Steelers rule!
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
July 28th, 2010 at 5:02:39 PM
permalink
Quote: OneAngryDwarfSpecial laws for the city of Pittsburgh and surrounding area:
1) Yes, the road is under construction. How long? Probably as long as you live. And for some time after that.
2) Yeah, that pothole sucked. How long will it be before the city and/or PennDOT fixes it? Probably as long as you live. And for some time after that.
3) Don't rely on your GPS to get you anywhere in the city. It WILL tell you to drive down a flight of stairs with a street name, guaranteed.
4) No matter how long someone has lived in the city, they will insist on slowing to a crawl EVERY single time they enter the Fort Pitt Tunnel, slowing everyone else behind them to a crawl too. Who knows? There might be a scary monster in there this time.
5) If you see an empty parking space around the city filled with a folding chair and nothing else, take it at your own peril.
6) Before attempting to drive anywhere, do some Zen exercises, take a deep breath, and take it all in stride.
Happy driving and come visit us sometime!
You missed some:
7. Directions are based on what *use* to be there: (ie: drive by the old airport terminal; turn where J&L Steel used to be, etc.)
8. People take turns at certain yield signs, even if you have the right of way you don't. I explained it to someone this way.
"No, even with the yield sign you take turns here"
"Why?"
"Because at shift change at the mill the road backs up so you take turns"
"What mill?"
"Right there."
"That's a buch of stores and restaurants"
"Oh, the mill closed in 1983."
"Then why do people still take turns at the yield sign?"
"Because of shift change at the mill, don't you hear good?"
9. There is always a "back way" to get somewhere.
10. If you do not learn the "back ways" to get places you will never be on time for anything-EVER.
11. Some people think "they know how to drive in snow." These people came from flat places like Chicago. Driving in snow on "the flat" vs on the hills we have here is the difference between understanding Casino War and Craps.
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others
July 28th, 2010 at 6:08:24 PM
permalink
Having gone to school in Pittsburgh - I only have the two thoughts to add to the existing ones.
12 - The reasons the roads are so crazy is that they merely paved the cowpaths/wagon trails in the downtown triangle.
13 - Even when there is no stop sign at the on-ramp to the freeway, go ahead and stop. It throws off the out of towners.
-B
12 - The reasons the roads are so crazy is that they merely paved the cowpaths/wagon trails in the downtown triangle.
13 - Even when there is no stop sign at the on-ramp to the freeway, go ahead and stop. It throws off the out of towners.
-B
July 28th, 2010 at 7:07:53 PM
permalink
Quote: toastcmu
13 - Even when there is no stop sign at the on-ramp to the freeway, go ahead and stop. It throws off the out of towners.
-B
I always thought it WAS the out-of-towners who did that!!
"So as the clock ticked and the day passed, opportunity met preparation, and luck happened." - Maurice Clarett
July 28th, 2010 at 7:16:01 PM
permalink
Quote: rdw4potusI always thought it WAS the out-of-towners who did that!!
For the most part it is--a Pittsburgh driver experienced at merging across several lanes of traffic could have made Even Kneviel (sp?) wet his pants yet think nothing of it.
But another question--how many Pittsburgh or PA locals are on here? Seems there are more than I would expect from a worldwide bbs.
All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others
July 28th, 2010 at 7:20:42 PM
permalink
Quote: NareedI'll see your Pittsburgh and raise you Mexico City:
1) When any "independent" group (ie any group favored by the party in power, or who intimidates the party in power, or who is against the federal government) wants to close streets without warning for a protest, including major avenues and freeways, they'll get a police escort. Also the police will close additional streets in the surrounding area the better to coagulate all traffic.
I'll see your Mexico city with Toronto:
- Let's have a demonstration / festival / G-20 summit downtown every weekend.
- Let's close a few random highways and throughfares during the same weekend.
-----
You want the truth! You can't handle the truth!
July 28th, 2010 at 7:33:31 PM
permalink
Quote: boymimboI'll see your Mexico city with Toronto:
- Let's have a demonstration / festival / G-20 summit downtown every weekend.
- Let's close a few random highways and throughfares during the same weekend.
Sorry, not even close.
Bad traffic on a weekend is a major downer, yes, but for most people it interferes little with really important things.
Coagulated traffic during the week keeps people from getting to or from work or school. And don't even talk about tight deadlines like presenting a proposal for a supply contest with a government agency. If you're one second late, the law says your proposal won't be allowed in. I know a guy who abandoned his car in the middle of the street so he could get to such an event on time.
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
July 28th, 2010 at 7:50:54 PM
permalink
Quote: boymimbo
- Let's close a few random highways and throughfares during the same weekend.
Here in Minneapolis, they aren't random. They close north-south routes all at once, and then east-west routes later. You'd think they'd realize that at least ONE such route needs to be open and not under construction at any given time, but that is not the case...
"So as the clock ticked and the day passed, opportunity met preparation, and luck happened." - Maurice Clarett
July 29th, 2010 at 9:03:17 AM
permalink
Apparently quite a few. Why don't you come to our meetup and meet some of them?Quote: AZDuffmanBut another question--how many Pittsburgh or PA locals are on here? Seems there are more than I would expect from a worldwide bbs.
"Dice, verily, are armed with goads and driving-hooks, deceiving and tormenting, causing grievous woe." -Rig Veda 10.34.4
August 30th, 2010 at 6:46:07 AM
permalink
I want to post my traffic laws in the blog as I did with the Vegas laws. problem is some other board members ahve contributed to them. So I ask all who posted here:
May I post the traffic laws as "Nareed's Laws of Traffic (Universal Edition)" if I give credit to those who posted additional laws?
May I post the traffic laws as "Nareed's Laws of Traffic (Universal Edition)" if I give credit to those who posted additional laws?
Donald Trump is a fucking criminal
