married men who cheat

Quote: FleaStiff

You did not needlessly hurt him or his wife or foolishly set yourself up in the cross hairs of her gun sight.

While I agree there's a big downside to any kind of drama, she doesn't owe him any special consideration. She didn't take vows to his marriage.

He set himself up to destroy his marriage when he decided to cheat. It's mutual risk or reward for both of them.

Maybe he told her the whole truth about his marriage problems. Maybe he didn't. I try to avoid shows about relationship drama, but the ones I've caught -- how often has the cheating spouse accurately portrayed the relationship just the way his spouse would describe it?

Almost never, I think. So, unless she has a conversation with his wife some day - I'd assume one really doesn't know the whole story.

Move on, and don't look back is a good overall plan.

Quote: odiousgambit

You are just going to vanish?

Not sure what you mean. But im not going to talk to the guy, or text or email. And im not going to talk to wife. Ive done enough damage. Its up to him to get what he needs in marriage or get out. 3 years sober for him is not nearly enough time to figure out who he is imho. Like ncfatcat said. The guyntold me he got married in height of his drinking, got married for stability as he was unable to give himself that stability....he made the ultimate commitment to raise kids and made that decision in his addiction as well. Now he is waking up...just barely....most likely he is very angry, confused, probsbly has alot of resentments....but again not my business. He decided to go no contact and yep im crushed just as i knew i would be. But poor me...ridiculous. his wife is the one who is crushed if she knows.

So vanishing from his life is the right thing to do. Believe me im not so together that i havent tried to force contact. I have and did. Our last conversation a month ago was loving. But it hooked us both in again as he sext me 2 hours later. I know he and i cant see each other. Its all over if we do. We'll end up ....well.....you know...in bed. We still have it for each other but its destructive. Sadly. I did tell him that the only time i ever want to see him again is if he has divorce papers...but even then he needs time to himself. Hes got a long road ahead i think. Ive done that psychological work and its not easy.

I have thought about moving out of the state even...thats how much i hurt. Not sure yet...

Quote: rxwine

While I agree there's a big downside to any kind of drama, she doesn't owe him any special consideration. She didn't take vows to his marriage.

He set himself up to destroy his marriage when he decided to cheat. It's mutual risk or reward for both of them.

Maybe he told her the whole truth about his marriage problems. Maybe he didn't. I try to avoid shows about relationship drama, but the ones I've caught -- how often has the cheating spouse accurately portrayed the relationship just the way his spouse would describe it?

Almost never, I think. So, unless she has a conversation with his wife some day - I'd assume one really doesn't know the whole story.

Move on, and don't look back is a good overall plan.

Rxine:

Yes he did set himself up to destroy marriage and i think he did it unconscously. One time we were in public, well several times actually, where alot of people we both know could have seen us and he kissed me. I asked him about that...i said it seems likenyou want to get caught. He said he didnt care who saw. Then later after we got outed he told me that he agreed with me, that he wanted someone else to make the decision so he could leave.

I give him credit for not saying how his wife doesnt understand him or that shes an evil witch. He didnt. He said she is nice. She has been supportive. He felt like a douche. He said the problems in marriage were all his doing. I know that isnt true but he owned his crap anyway. He told me a month aho he is a douche to her and felt like shit about it. Again its a passive aggressive way to get her to do the dirty work. I told him that.

So, no, i dont know what the real story is. I can only surmise that alot changes when one person gets sober. If both dont change and grow then it is doomed. She lived with an active alcoholic for 14 years....shes got some of her own shit no doubt. From what ive seen of him he can shut down and be noncommunicative and not budge from that position even when someone asks him to talk. Not easy to deal with.

It would be interesting to see what she says. But i have found inconsistencies in things he's said whih confirms his confusion. At the very beginning he told me they were "close" . I remember looking at him like he was crazy....i called him on that one. If you're close then why are you here with me hugging me and being intimate. Then later he slowly realizes they've got problems. When i told him that he was feeling intimacynin recovery with me he was shocked. Intimacy in early recovery is difficult. That was when he realized he and wife didnt have that. And he discussed being in love, not me. I called him on that too. Then later he told me she was erasing texts and clearing emails that he thought she was having affair. They had done some "swinging" tyoe sex in early marriage so i didnt know if that meant an ooen marriage but he said she would feel betrayed if she knew how close he and i were, that we had i timacy, not just sex and that we had a relationship. So the point is its all a mess over there i think. And i just confuse the issue.

As i said in another post there is a lot of work ahead for him. Its not going to be easy or fun. So, goody, i get to be the catalyst for them improving their marriage. For fucks sake.....





As i said in another post thee is a lot

Quote: Garnabby

I have watched the National, and hence on occasion, Rex. I was more interested in what he specifically signifies to you... before responding to your comparison of him to me.

Rex speaks alot in metaphor and is difficult to understand unless you really think about what he's trying to say. I am saying that you seem to be the same way.

You know, it doesn't really matter at all what his situation is. You slept with a married man. You're in the wrong, so get out. Everything else is moot.