married men who cheat

Quote: boymimbo

Who are you, Rex Murphy? It's difficult to read through the metaphor.

Yeah i agree...have absolutely no idea what garnabby said/meant.

I didnt say i dont think he would cheat on me...i was asking...wondering if it could be a one time thing in the midst of all the changes he is making and the self awareness in early sobriety. And if in the future we did get together would he continue that behavior it being a character flaw, a drive of some kind.... altho now that i step back and think (wish i would have done that from the beginning) i am remembering things he told me such as having been with prostitues and how he is ashamed of the "swinging" needs...i think he had prostitues during
marriage but not sure....so does that info put a different slant on this..that he might be cross addicting with sex?? I have known him at a distance for a while and he is carrying alot of anger...and three years soberis hardly sufficient time to work through all the issues or even begin the awareness of all the issues. I agree with ncfatcat thathe is an emotional baby in recovery....geez...what was i thinking? That id save this guy or be better than his wife or that he was ready for anything other than being a father and figuring himself out...i know that when one person gets sober in a marriage the dynamics change if the spouse or significant other isnt doing some changing as well. But clearly this guy is in no place or shape to be in another r/s and i was a good distraction from himself.

Well it may be embarrassing to write to a forum about such drama but all this writing and reading responses is giving me some much needed clarity and a kick in the ass of who i thought i was...wow...my hormones and own needs blinded me to this. This is how affairs happen...someone walks into your life when your're not thinking clearly and it seems like they will make the world better just by being in it. Hmmm...he even said just that to me 3 weeks ago..."i feel better knowing you are in this world, it makes me happy and relieved" i laughed when he said it thinking im def not that special but now i get it.

He admitted to not knowing who he is or what he wants...i guess i was an experiment. Why i believed we could be meant when what i did was interfere with his marriage. Wow. Idiot. Thinking back i remember having some of this clarity before he kissed me. I should have run then like i thought. .

Well maybe this post will help someone else...all i can say is dont do it. Its not worth the emotional toll....and the guilt. And bad feelings. I agree with poster who said finish a r/s before moving onto another...think it through...play out the outcomes.. and sadly we had talked about every outcome yet we forged on blindly eyes dilated in 'love'. Im feel sick.

Don't beat yourself up too much. You are not guilt free by any means however you can't be a home wrecker without a co-conspirator. You clearly have a conscience and that is why you are suffering now while the lothario is out seeking his next conquest. Stick to your guns.

Quote: belleepoque

I am trying to decide the next right thing...do i tell his wife or is doing that selfish rather than accountable. I think about my motives and wonder would i be telling her for vengence towards him? Or to somehow clean my side up?

I won't try to say I know your motives for considering this option. I can tell you that I know more than one instance where a woman who was the new lover [let's call her the beta female] intentionally does this out of selfish motive; sometimes unconsciously I think. If the alpha female [sometimes a wife, other times a long-time girlfriend] finds out about the infidelity, there is a chance that beta changes to alpha, you see, and I'm convinced it is possible to just do this instinctively. Usually this means leaving personal items behind for the alpha female to find, and every instance I know of involves intimate items.

It is common enough that it has led to a good joke:

Wife: "I found a pair of pantyhose in a drawer here that aren't mine! "

Husband: [grabs them and tries putting them on] "I'll be damned! they must have shrunk"

I hope you'll come back later and give us an update.

Quote: belleepoque

Yeah i agree...have absolutely no idea what garnabby said/meant.

Only that there're basically three options when dealing with addictions and the like: just stop doing it; take away the appetite; or figure out a way to do it productively.

The easiest way for most persons, being to only (deliberately) not set themselves up for such an appetite. Clean living serves many other advantages, despite the nonsense of not being "cool" (tacitly-understood), or of not obtaining something for nothing.

Quote: boymimbo

You're Canadian, you don't watch the National?

If "The Devil is in the details", then God is in the vagueness.

I have watched the National, and hence on occasion, Rex. I was more interested in what he specifically signifies to you... before responding to your comparison of him to me.

I'm lost in all this soul searching nonsense. Time for any of that is long gone.
I still don't understand why you are concerned about his marriage or his wife.

He saw something that was available, he revealed the fact that he was married, you agreed to the situation ... you got what you bargained for... and then you seem to have had some sort of buyer's remorse well after the transaction had taken place.

You chose to be his mistress.
Now you choose to supposedly end the relationship but you seem to be continuing on and on in thinking about it and talking about it.

I still don't understand why you won't either be his mistress and shut your yap or end the relationship and shut your yap.
No talk to him, no talk to his wife, no talk to a diary, no talk... end it.

Find a new way to occupy your spare time.

Yeah heard you the first time fleastiff. Maybe you dont have emotions but i do. Dont read what im posting if it bugs you so much. I feel like writing about how i feel for several reasons. And if you read my original post youd see there was more to it then just being a mistress. Both he and i were blindsided by the intimacy. So shut YOUR yap.

i took your advice wizzard and that of several others and just made my own closure...not going to say anything to wife or to him. His marriage is not my business like i said earlier. Im working alot and doing what id advise anyone else....get out of my head and help someone else.

Thanks for feedback. I still hurt but ill get over it.

Quote: belleepoque

That is why i took advice and am staying away esp as he Will drink if he continues on like this. I have to let him go and i have to find my own guy.

You are just going to vanish?

>we were at his cabin three different weekends and i thought hmmmm
>maybe some black hair in the sink will get me what i think i want. (Wife is blonde)....i didnt do this.
>I double checked all my stuff was packed.
Good.
You avoided doing something that would have been manipulative, deceitful and hurtful. That shows good character. You did not needlessly hurt him or his wife or foolishly set yourself up in the cross hairs of her gun sight. That is good. Perhaps one day you and the wife will meet for a glass of wine and toast life's often strange ways. The husband knows what value he places on his marriage and what value his wife places on the marriage. Perhaps he will discuss things with her, perhaps not.

The husband did not take off his wedding ring and lie to you, you did not set out to ensnare the husband in an embrace that would be fatal to him or to his marriage. Had you each been on business trips, you would have chalked it up as a pleasant one night stand. It was a bit more than that but the inescapable fact remains: he is a married man. Perhaps he will tell his wife that he met a woman who was careful to clean her black hairs out of the sink. Perhaps he won't. Its his marriage and his decision. He can decide on his marriage and his wife can decide on her marriage, but you are stuck with the situation as it exists: he is a married man.