In love but there's one possible problem...

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

My college boyfriend was BAD news and I've been married twice. Divorced twice. Both bad boys. All completely wrong for me in how they treated me.

Presumably they treated you well initially, or you would not have married them.

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

'Nice' guys and 'Good' guys are only nice and good as long as you are nice and good to them too.

Well, yeah. The Golden Rule in action.

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

After my 2nd divorce and all the BS I went through I decided life is too short to not be happy. After 2 full years of giving myself time to heal from that disaster I am ready to be with the man I love. He is my one true love.

Weren't the first two True Loves, as well? The Nice Girl marrying the Bad Boy failed the first two times, but apparently this one's different.

I know a couple suburban cops extremely well. Combine a Bad Boy with a history of cheating, drug use and jail time, blend in some kids from two or three prior relationships...that's how they spell job security.

While I'm mystified as to why women seek relationship advice on a gambling message board populated largely by men, past performance is not a guarantee of future results; have at him.

Quote: Calder

past performance is not a guarantee of future results.

But usually it is. People seldom change, they just
play out the same scrip with different people and
then kid themselves into thinking its better this time.

Quote: PopCulturePrincess

Quote: odiousgambit

I thought the rule of thumb was 1st cousin = ixnay, second cousin= OK. Might be the law too.

My dad is his great-uncle. That's the relation.

Your father is either uncle to your boyfriend's father or his mother. Technically that is called "first cousin one generation removed", because you are a full first cousin with one of his parents. It makes a big difference if they have one family relative in common or a couple. If someone remarried then it cuts your risk in half.

Typically it is the woman who is one generation lower, because men tend to marry younger women. But the boyfriend is slightly older so his parents married young, or you were born to older parents.

Legality: Although many states in the USA prohibit marriages of first cousins, there are only two that prohibit those of first cousins once removed. Indiana and Wisconsin only allow "first cousins one generation removed" if they are over a certain age or cannot bear children.

If you live in one of those two states you may have a legal problem.

Advisability: You are in a warning zone of having children with hereditary genetic disease. More than likely you are OK, but I would strongly advise getting genetic counseling before moving in together and having sex regularly. The counselling will determine if your children run a high risk of getting a disease. The biological closeness of your relationship is only one factor. A lot depends on what recessive genes are in your DNA.

Having a child with a painful disease is heart-wrenching, and the guilt will more than likely drive you apart as a couple. It is better to be informed now before you move in.

In general you are twice as likely to have a problem as 2nd cousins (like Rudy Giuliani and his wife), and four times as likely to have a problem as 2nd cousins once removed (like Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip). Famous first cousin marriages of the past are not really relevant, because people did a lot of things in the past, that are not recommended today.

I think your genetic risk is manageable, but it would be irresponsible not to have some blood tests done.

But the taboo remains very strong in the USA. It is much less in parts of Europe and other areas of the world. I suspect that you are better off writing something to your relatives rather than letting it spread by gossip chain. The difference between "first cousins one generation removed" and "first cousins" will be lost on most people.

Another Mr. Spock quote: "Insufficient facts always invite danger."

Yes, tell the world.

Quote: pacomartin

If you live in one of those two states you may have a legal problem.

Hardly. The laws in those two states have not been challenged and of course those states have to give full faith and credit to a marriage that took place in the other 48 states irrespective of its legality within those two states.

Of course there is always France where the only laws involved require an age of over 14 and factual consent, absolutely nothing else for cohabitation. That is why Anais Nin could check into hotel rooms with her father in such an open manner.

Quote: MrV

He was her step-father, and they were "in love;" he was leaving his wife, and she was running away from her mother.

Woody Allen?

Quote: odiousgambit

Woody Allen?

Sure, he put his wood all in.

That's what got them in trouble.

Quote: MrV

That's what got them in trouble.

No what got them in trouble was his girlfriend, Mia Farrow, having an immature reaction to the situation.

Quote: FleaStiff

Hardly. The laws in those two states have not been challenged and of course those states have to give full faith and credit to a marriage that took place in the other 48 states irrespective of its legality within those two states.

I am sorry but I had an incorrect reference the first time. There are six states that ban marriage between first cousins and also first cousins one generation removed (exceptions if they are infertile).
Indiana,
Wisconsin,
Kentucky,
Nevada,
Ohio, and
Washington .

If you want your marriage to challenge state law, I would contact the ACLU. Some, but not all states recognize marriages that are illegal in their state, but legal in other states. This problem becomes acute for Pakistani immigrants who frequently marry first cousins, and for same sex marriages.


The fololwing states have bans on marriages between first cousins, but not on first cousins once removed :
Arkansas,
Delaware,
Iowa,
Idaho,
Kansas,
Louisiana,
New Hampshire,
Michigan,
Minnesota,
Missouri,
Mississippi,
Montana,
North Dakota,
Nebraska,
Oregon,
Oklahoma,
Pennsylvania,
South Dakota,
Texas,
West Virginia and
Wyoming.

The really important part of my response was about seeking genetic counseling. The legal status is secondary because you could choose to have sex and conceive a baby anyway. The terrible thing is to say "we are in love" and to watch a child grow up in pain.