In love but there's one possible problem...

As boybimbo said, incest is not your problem, the bad boy is. Do NOT confuse his protection of you with his possession of you. You said that he is violent and can beat people up. But not you?. The example you told when you were a drunk 18 and he saved you from a guy, what would have happened if you had wanted this other guy and Mr bad boy showed up? If you had said go away, would he? You must ask that if you marry, are you then legally his possession in his mind? Then will he let you have any life on your own without him.

Quote: boymimbo

Sigh.

Tell your family, let the chips fall where they may, any do what you want to do.

That said, you wrote some stuff about how he used to be a bad boy and he isn't now. Why is this relevant? The point of relevance, if this was the only concern, is the fact that this bad boy is your second cousin.

There must be some concern and some lingering in your mind about this man besides the 2nd cousin. He's cheated on everyone except you. He's got a history of drugs, jail, etc. Let me tell you that this is not typical. Most people (well over 90%) of the population has not been to jail. These concerns are your own, but you chose to write about it anyway, asking for some kind of reassurance, I guess. I can't give you that. Reflect back on yourself why don't you and ask yourself why you chose to write that.... you might be concerned about it. You should probably only marry the guy if your concerns are allayed.

2nd or 3rd cousin... doesn't matter. Your family might think it's strange. Screw em. It's your life.

I think mostly I began to write about the 'badboy' thing in response to Face's initial comment about me being into him because he is 'forbidden fruit' and I wanted to be clear that that was not the case. It is definitely something I've thought about and he and I have discussed it at length. We've discussed the fact that we're so happy and wondered why we waited so long to be together because things are so great. The point he made (not me) was that if he would have had the opportunity to be with me back when we were younger he can't be sure that he wouldn't have screwed it up because he was so young and stupid. He said he was basically messed up from the age of 14 until he got in trouble approximately 8 years ago. He wasn't in a gang or anything but he really got into drugs and began making them and dealing them, I guess. We don't ever really talk about the details of his criminal activities as they are in the past and he knows that I was never into that scene. He has fully matured as far as leaving the drugs behind him and the people who he used to run around with from that life.

I wouldn't have mentioned the cheating had he not mentioned it to me recently. I don't even know why he brought it up other than the fact that he was trying to sincerely explain to me how deeply he loved me. And as someone who has been repeatedly cheated on, lied to, knocked around, belittled, and all around emotionally abused by the previous men in my life... I can tell you that in my gut I have no fear of any of that with this man. And considering none of the other men I have been with were jailbirds but still treated me terribly - the fact that this one has been in the 'system' and yet can be so emotionally available, gentle, kind and sweet all while intimidating every other male around, I find that incredibly appealling.

I guess I should note also that both of my ex husbands were younger than me and I've never before dated anyone over the age of 30. That in and of itself might be part of my problem. This man is 38 and has sowed his wild oats, gotten into a lot of trouble, defied authority and yet has landed on his feet and wants to make a life with me, my children and his children. I know where he comes from and where he's been and I believe he has a good heart and good intentions. I doubt that he spent the last 20 years adoring me from afar just to finally get me all to himself and then screw it up.

Hopefully that helps everyone understand why my issues aren't with who he is or what he's done in his life... my concern is on the partial sharing of the DNA... :o)

Quote: matilda

As boybimbo said, incest is not your problem, the bad boy is. Do NOT confuse his protection of you with his possession of you. You said that he is violent and can beat people up. But not you?. The example you told when you were a drunk 18 and he saved you from a guy, what would have happened if you had wanted this other guy and Mr bad boy showed up? If you had said go away, would he? You must ask that if you marry, are you then legally his possession in his mind? Then will he let you have any life on your own without him.

Were I to go out and intentionally flirt my a$$ off in front of his face, would he get angry... I doubt it. I think he'd laugh and then tell me I could stay or leave with him because he'd be going now. If I stayed, I would put money on it that he'd go find the 2nd most attractive girl in the bar and invite her to leave with him. Tit for tat. Would he ever beat me into submission? No. He would know better. I guess that's the one thing I have going for me in this relationship as opposed to the others I've been in... this one understands the gravity of messing with someone in my family. LOL!

Okay that maybe wasn't funny but my point is that I have a BIG dad and a BIG brother and MANY male cousins who wouldn't stand for any of that and regardless of how bass a$$ this man is, the GROUP of the other men in my family who aren't exactly wall flowers themselves would be enough of a deterant were he to even remotely entertain the thought of laying a hand on me. That's all WAYYYY out of context though because I don't flirt with other men and when I do speak to other men he thinks it's fun to walk up and hug me from behind, kiss my neck, smile and then walk away just to make his presence known. That typically lets everyone else in the area know that I'm with him and he has no problem with me talking to whoever I want but I will be leaving with him. The fact that he's 6'6" and 225# of solid muscle helps too. It's all good.

He doesn't have a problem with me playing pool, singing karaoke, dancing without him, or any other activity I can do in a bar that doesn't include him. Typically I'm the life of the party. I'm friendly, chatty, fun, I smile a lot, I have just as many girl friends as guy friends and there is never any question as to my motives. I always go find him and check in periodically if he's outside smoking or in a booth talking to friends... we're chill like that. Previously, I think he has been with the girls who like to cause trouble by flirting with all the men to get attention and usually that causes problems because they have never understood that the way to this man's heart is not through jealousy... he isn't the jealous type. But he will get extremely sick of your a$$ and if the guy who you're flirting with thinks he can beat up your BF... he'll have to prove it.

So - no he doesn't think I'm his possession. :o)

Eight years is not all that long when it comes to leaving drugs behind, especially if he was dealing and making and using them; the money is hard to forget and the craving for the rush is always there. All he needs is for one of his old friends to stop by one day ...

Frankly I don't think you came here looking for advice because you have a defensive answer for every negative comment that has been put to you; you came here looking for verification and approval of what you have already decided. You have received that from some people, so why isn't that enough?

There is NO problem -- neither medically, legally, nor religiously -- with being in love with your 2nd cousin, and if you're not going to have children together then your DNA will never be mixed, so that is a moot point and I don't know why you keep bringing it up.

You and Bad Boy need to do whatever it is you want to do. Move in together, move away together, with or without benefit of marriage, whatever. Then come back in about a year and let us know how happy you still are and what a good decision you both made.

Wait a minute ... I just re-read one of your last posts and you said, "...he thinks it's fun to walk up and hug me from behind, kiss my neck, smile and then walk away just to make his presence known. That typically lets everyone else in the area know that I'm with him..."

So why are you asking if people are going to "freak" if they see you kissing or holding hands in public? You're already doing those things.

Things never turn out the way you think they will. Ever.
Always remember that men (and women) show you one
face when they want you, and another face when they've
got you. However he's treating you now, cut it by 75% when
you've been together a couple years (or less). Can you live with
that.

Quote: tsmith

Eight years is not all that long when it comes to leaving drugs behind, especially if he was dealing and making and using them; the money is hard to forget and the craving for the rush is always there. All he needs is for one of his old friends to stop by one day ...

Frankly I don't think you came here looking for advice because you have a defensive answer for every negative comment that has been put to you; you came here looking for verification and approval of what you have already decided. You have received that from some people, so why isn't that enough?

There is NO problem -- neither medically, legally, nor religiously -- with being in love with your 2nd cousin, and if you're not going to have children together then your DNA will never be mixed, so that is a moot point and I don't know why you keep bringing it up.

You and Bad Boy need to do whatever it is you want to do. Move in together, move away together, with or without benefit of marriage, whatever. Then come back in about a year and let us know how happy you still are and what a good decision you both made.

Okay - let me clarify a few things in regard to my 'defensiveness' - I NEVER asked for help on IF I should be with this man or not. Period. I think my initial post made it evident (if it didn't I apoligize as I did mean for it to) that I am head over heels in love with this man and things are going swimmingly. My query was, "should we continue to keep things secret i.e. 'hide what's happening on the relationship level' or tell everyone (family/friends, etc.) we're together. I ONLY described the badboy thing to illustrate that I'm not into him simply for the fact that he's my cousin - I am into him in SPITE of that fact because of all the ather things about him that are attractive. And he feels the same way about me. YES, we have decided to be together. I'm simply looking for guidance on HOW to proceed considering the family connection. No we are not first cousins and I get that it is legal and in some people's minds totally not a big deal. However, to his mother (and I assume others within the family especially her 2 sisters, his aunts, all of whom, he is EXTREMELY close to) it is a HUGE deal. She thinks him being in love with me is SICK and I worry that he will lose the close bond he has with her. He says he doesn't care what people think and that his mother will never cut him out of her life as he's her only son and she loves him more than life itself... and even though he may be right I am scared to chance it if he's wrong.

The few people who are close to him and me who have found out are totally not bothered by it at all and others who I have spoken to about it (maybe 2 strangers) have no problem with it because they've seen us together and got to know us as the cute, fun couple before we divulged any additional details and so they weren't biased initially when getting to know us.

tsmith - FYI we do go places where we aren't surrounded by close friends and family members at times... have you not ever gone to a bar, casino, restaurant where you are a stranger to all others who are there? Those are the places we have been where he comes up to kiss my neck. We'll be hanging out playing pool and inevitably we play doubles and as the night goes on, we make new friends. We aren't connected at the hip everywhere we go. But considering the fact that we don't know the people in the bar - when we do get separated (maybe he goes to the bar to buy us drinks and some new fella sees me standing by the jukebox decides to start a conversation) he makes sure to come back and 'check in.' It's a nice gesture I feel and personally I think more guys should learn the art of it as it makes me, as a girl, feel loved and trusted.

So, I think I've covered everything. To sum up. You bet your a$$ I'm defensive about him and us together. I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved another man in my entire life. Maybe I'm still looking at him with 15 year old eyes but I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I know a few couples who have been together 30+ years who could use a little walk down memory lane and remember back to when they were 15 and first laid eyes on their mate. I hope I never stop feeling butterflies when I see him or am in his presence. He's amazing no matter what he's done or who he's been with before now. He's mine and I'll keep him as long as he'll have me. All I wanted to know was, "how do I break the news to the family, some of whom have already shown their disgust for the matter" or "do you recommend I keep my mouth shut and keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life before I stand on my tip toes, wrap my arms around his neck, stare adoringly into his eyes, smile and kiss him." That's it. Judge me. Don't judge me. Be happy for me. Be disturbed by me. Life is good. I just want to know: Can I tell the world????

Thanks for your input! :o)

I don't think anyone doubts you two are in love. I think what raises eyebrows is that you're treating it very differently than you otherwise would if your man was unrelated.

If this man were unrelated, you would not have these questions and you would not be more nervous about telling family than you otherwise would. But you are more nervous. And you do worry about their response, or you wouldn't be more nervous.

If this relationship is truly permanent, you're going to have to tell all the people you're nervous to tell eventually. Their reactions won't be any different then than it will be now. So, if you plan to stay with the guy, I would say just go ahead and get that part overwith so you won't be carrying that fear any more.

Who knows ... your family may all be okay with it and you're fretting for nothing.

Granted, your relationship would lose its "forbidden fruit" aspect, but that shouldn't matter given that you're truly in love.

"After awhile, you'll find that having is not the same as wanting.."

Mr Spock
Star Trek

Yeah. Starting out with a LIE is always the best way !!